Do you feel people don't understand what you're saying?

[MysteriousTelephone]

I've posted here before, the short story is that I'm 30M, employed, no debt, in shape, socially very active, no issues talking to people, and yet I can't get a girlfriend. Ever. I'm not saying I'm a super-catch or anything, but I really thought I'd be a subset of 'something', considering how many other people don't have all of those things. I don't drive as I live in a big city, which I understand is a 'minus point', but that is not obvious to the naked eye.

A constant issue I've found is being unattractive, I will often get teased for being ugly, and while that doesn't specifically bring me down, it lets me know how I'm seen and what I'm working with. I kinda hoped that gaining a muscular physique would offset that, but it hasn't helped. I enjoy my hobbies, I bring in a decent income, I go out with friends, that's all great, but at the end of each day I'm aware I'm going to go home to no-one, and still wake up in a world where I'm ugly & unwanted.

An issue I'm finding, is that my friends don't really seem to understand what I'm saying, and seem to assume certain things, or project their own ideals into the situation, even though it may have nothing to do with what I've said. I'm pretty clear that I am getting depressed because of the whole "ugly & unwanted" thing, and they'll come up with bizarre unrelated replies such as "Have you thought about changing your job?", "You should go travelling!", "It'll be different when you learn to drive.", "Yeah, it's probably because of the weather." and "Do you think you should go to therapy?"

As much as I get these people are trying, literally none of the replies have anything to do with the problem I'm describing. I've got 40 year olds saying "Oh, you should get off the dating apps, nobody ever gets matches on them.", which completely ignores the fact that nearly everyone I know is either with, or has been with someone they've met on a dating site, and that literally everyone else gets more than zero matches. I've also had people trying to be supportive by saying things like "Don't worry, you'll meet 'The One' eventually", despite that I've never ever mentioned looking for "The One", it's just something she believes in so projects it onto me. I'm really at my wit's end here, I feel like there's nothing to look forward to in a world where nobody wants me (in a romantic sense, I know I have friends etc).

 

[Unsigned]

Yeah I've totally been there.
Females with "no skin in the game" have told me "you should have a girlfriend".
What they rally meant is that I should have a plain looking, fat, or ugly one.
And that that I am old they probably mean a middle aged one as well.
It's all BS.
Most people, and especially females, want to come off as "nice". So they are never blunt and to the point.

Who is teasing you? Your male friends? Just guys breaking balls? Or do they really mean to insult you?

 

[CenotaphGirl]

Honestly I don't think you are ugly, I deffo haven't got all the answers on this one, sorry its getting ya so down

 

[Unsigned]

Honestly I don't think you are ugly, I deffo haven't got all the answers on this one, sorry its getting ya so down

Did you see the guy's picture?
Unless you have, you really cannot make that determination.

 

[MysteriousTelephone]

Who is teasing you? Your male friends? Just guys breaking balls? Or do they really mean to insult you?

Nah, my friends are actually super supportive, to the point where it’s almost cartoonish. They’ll say things like “Don’t be silly, you’re a good looking guy, it’s just an unrelated coincidence that you made it to 30 without anyone finding you attractive. Maybe it’s because you’re too good looking? Or too interesting? Maybe your ***** is too big?” Okay, the last one I made up, by you get the point

People who call me ugly, it’s a fairly common thing. Just a few months ago I was at a party and when someone thought I couldn’t hear, she referred to me as “ok… but only from the neck down.” she wasn’t saying it to hurt my feelings, she has no idea I heard it. Other times there’ll be a girl I’m interested in, and will ask a friend of hers to see how she feels, and the feedback comes “too ugly”. I’ll get teased on nights out, I catch people sniggering and pointing, or just straight-up saying it to my face. I get zero matches on any dating site or app, which is unusual, I know the deck is stacked against men, but I have not known anyone to get absolute zero.

Other times people are more polite. Just recently I had the “You’re such a lovely guy, I’m just not ready for a relationship” speech from someone I asked out, literally less than a month later she’s with the only other available guy our age. Or when I had a friend try to set me up with her single friend; we hadn’t met, she liked the sound of me on paper, but when it came to exchanging photos of each other, she mysteriously lost interest and said no.

 

[ringwood]

Nah, my friends are actually super supportive, to the point where it’s almost cartoonish. They’ll say things like “Don’t be silly, you’re a good looking guy, it’s just an unrelated coincidence that you made it to 30 without anyone finding you attractive. Maybe it’s because you’re too good looking? Or too interesting? Maybe your ***** is too big?” Okay, the last one I made up, by you get the point

I'm sorry I don't really have anything constructive to add in the relationship department. Honestly, I just wanted to say that despite your romantic troubles, you sure come across as a well-adjusted, positive, intelligent and humourous guy (you even have a big *****! Geez, what more could a girl want?! )

All kidding aside though, my only thought is perhaps it's something to do with the calibre/age of the people you hang with? It's been a while since I was in my 20's/30's, but there's always that group of people who are trendy, hip and popular and highly value things like money, possessions and sad to say, looks. I don't know. . . I'm grasping at straws here, really. Anyway, try to keep your chin up - sounds like you have a lot going for yourself and a good support system of friends.

 

[Unsigned]

@MysteriousTelephone
Reading the previous comment from @ringwood made me think about something I've noticed.
Are there many East Asian girls where you live?
Over the years, I have noticed that the Asian ones are nicer to me than American/Western girls.
They seem to value character and work ethic more than just wanting a flashy and aggresive guy.
They usually stay thinner too as they age.
I'm too old to change my ways, but if I were younger I would probably focus on trying to find an East Asian GF.
Just a thought...

 

[MysteriousTelephone]

All kidding aside though, my only thought is perhaps it's something to do with the calibre/age of the people you hang with? It's been a while since I was in my 20's/30's, but there's always that group of people who are trendy, hip and popular and highly value things like money, possessions and sad to say, looks. I don't know. . . I'm grasping at straws here, really. Anyway, try to keep your chin up - sounds like you have a lot going for yourself and a good support system of friends.

I always accepted that I was never one of the ‘hot’ people when I was 18-22, I just always figured that at 25+ things would open up; a lot of good men would be taken, or have baggage such as kids, that a single guy in good shape with zero baggage would be seen as an attractive option. It does seem to be, just not when it’s in this particular package

The money & possessions thing, I don’t know, that’s not something that’s visible to the naked eye. I dress nicely, but I tend to spend my money on clothes with more simple designs that fit well (or nice material), than items with expensive looking logos. I can see why it’s popular with some people, to express to everyone that you have money, but that’s just not me. When a woman turns me down for being ugly, she has no idea what job I do, or if I own my own home, what car I have etc.

 

[MysteriousTelephone]

@MysteriousTelephone
Reading the previous comment from @ringwood made me think about something I've noticed.
Are there many East Asian girls where you live?
Over the years, I have noticed that the Asian ones are nicer to me than American/Western girls.
They seem to value character and work ethic more than just wanting a flashy and aggresive guy.
They usually stay thinner too as they age.
I'm too old to change my ways, but if I were younger I would probably focus on trying to find an East Asian GF.
Just a thought...

Erm, I don’t think so, or at least I’ve never come across many in the city where I live. I know the whole “Thai Bride” was a thing 20 years ago for men who couldn’t get women over here.

 

[Unsigned]

Erm, I don’t think so, or at least I’ve never come across many in the city where I live. I know the whole “Thai Bride” was a thing 20 years ago for men who couldn’t get women over here.

No I'm not talking about a mail order bride.

I meant ones that might happen to be living in your area.
Here in the US they are many in cities like NY, LA, SF, Seattle, etc...
But yeah I suppose in England it's quite different.

 

[CenotaphGirl]

Ah ha! I figured it out… I dont know why I ever doubted myself! So the issue is, you keep going for the same type of woman, you aren't using variety in your selection pool and you undersell your financial position no need to thank me, im here all week

 

[TheSkaFish]

The money & possessions thing, I don’t know, that’s not something that’s visible to the naked eye. I dress nicely, but I tend to spend my money on clothes with more simple designs that fit well (or nice material), than items with expensive looking logos. I can see why it’s popular with some people, to express to everyone that you have money, but that’s just not me.

Just wanted to say I agree on this, and feel like it's more classy.

I feel like it's vulgar/obnoxious/kind of trashy to wear clothes with big expensive looking logos, like you were saying.

It also seems silly, like the person doing it thinks they're cool, but really the company gets the last laugh, because they convinced someone to pay a lot of money, to essentially be the company's billboard - like paying to work somewhere, for free. Sometimes I feel like the owners of companies that sell clothes like that, must think of their own fan base as suckers.

I also think it's best when the clothes we wear represent our true interests and personality. When I wear a band shirt for example, the shirt may not have cost much, but it represents that I'm a fan of that band and style/subculture. It's something real about me, and possibly a way to start a conversation. I've gotten random compliments on my band shirts before. Wearing some big designer logo just says, "I paid a lot of money for this and I want to get noticed for it". It's kind of like begging for validation and acceptance as an "insider".

That said I think having a fashion sense is important, and something I wish I'd paid more attention to earlier myself. It isn't ALL superficial, and looking good does make you feel good too. And there's nothing wrong with more expensive items in and of themselves. I just think the understated kind, like the ones you described for yourself, are more tasteful and dignified than the ones with big logos.


PS - I'm not offended by the big logos or anything either, I think if someone wants to do that, whatever, they can do what they want. I'm not saying my way to think of it is absolutely "right" and everyone else is "wrong" - it's just not my style, is all I'm saying.

 

[MysteriousTelephone]

Ah ha! I figured it out… I dont know why I ever doubted myself! So the issue is, you keep going for the same type of woman, you aren't using variety in your selection pool and you undersell your financial position no need to thank me, im here all week

Not at all, when I think about the women I’ve “liked”, there isn’t really much of a thread to them; sporty, bookish, tall, short, fat, thin, they’ve really all been different. Then there’s online, in which nobody has any interest despite not knowing my position.

 

[CenotaphGirl]

Not at all, when I think about the women I’ve “liked”, there isn’t really much of a thread to them; sporty, bookish, tall, short, fat, thin, they’ve really all been different. Then there’s online, in which nobody has any interest despite not knowing my position.

Ugh what a short lived moment of glory you like tall women? Hmm how tall are you ?

 

[Unsigned]

Sometimes I feel like the owners of companies that sell clothes like that, must think of their own fan base as suckers.

Agree and I feel the same about guys who wear sports jerseys with another man's name on it.
Like being a cheerleader.
I would never walk around with a shirt that says "LeBron" or something...

 

[MysteriousTelephone]

Ugh what a short lived moment of glory you like tall women? Hmm how tall are you ?

I don’t mind tall women, trees were made for climbing, baby!

I’m 5 10, not enough to be considered “tall”, but okay enough.

 

[CenotaphGirl]

I don’t mind tall women, trees were made for climbing, baby!

I’m 5 10, not enough to be considered “tall”, but okay enough.

Like a man who has high ambitions lol even though im a mini mouse

I think 5’9+ is tall but thats me

Hmm curvy/heavier set women? Women with nose piercings? Women who still like to wear colourful hair? I have to know these things not to help but just because I am nosey

 

[MysteriousTelephone]

Like a man who has high ambitions lol even though im a mini mouse

I think 5’9+ is tall but thats me

Hmm curvy/heavier set women? Women with nose piercings? Women who still like to wear colourful hair? I have to know these things not to help but just because I am nosey

I’m pretty open minded, I have liked women who are a little heavier set. Personally I probably wouldn’t go to where it is “obese”, as I believe that’s just an unhealthy lifestyle - I like to be active quite regularly and would want someone who can get involved.

 

[user 164061]

I'm the same age as you, but i don't work/study because my depression has clucked up my brain beyond repair i think in certain aspects. I find it very hard to believe that you can't meet a single woman if you are outgoing/have a job and can meet women in different ways. I've come to the conclusion i will be alone forever and i am getting used to that, as love never works for me. A woman/man is out there for everyone, but maybe you are trying to force it too much? As that can be a thing to be honest. Do you literally get turned down immediately or? As i am miffed by this still, even after seeing you post about it a few times.

 

[M_also_lonely]

...... in a decent income, I go out with friends, that's all great, but at the end of each day I'm aware I'm going to go home to no-one, and still wake up in a world where I'm ugly & unwanted.

No no no no no. Hold on. No.
You see, the collection of people who made you feel this way doesn't comprise of wise, intelligent and divine beings. It comprises of social media addicts who lust on celebrities and don't know what to do with their life and have an attention span of no more than 6 seconds. If this collection thinks you're ugly and unwanted, you're either worse than them or you're too good for them.
And since you have already shown your ability to reflect on your problems, and articulate them, you're certainly not worse than them.
These aren't people who value high qualities in someone, in fact they don't even know that they should be looking for such qualities. Don't form an opinion about you based on the perceptions of such people about you.

As much as I get these people are trying, literally none of the replies have anything to do with the problem I'm describing. I've got 40 year olds saying "Oh, you should get off the dating apps, nobody ever gets matches on them.", which completely ignores the fact that nearly everyone I know is either with, or has been with someone they've met on a dating site, and that literally everyone else gets more than zero matches. I've also had people trying to be supportive by saying things like "Don't worry, you'll meet 'The One' eventually", despite that I've never ever mentioned looking for "The One", it's just something she believes in so projects it onto me. I'm really at my wit's end here, I feel like there's nothing to look forward to in a world where nobody wants me (in a romantic sense, I know I have friends etc).

You're definitely a 'nice' person. A good person!! A rare one indeed. Sure, people like such beings.
But why do you never go beyond that?
You have to answer this: What is it about you, that 'excites' someone? That creates a rush of emotions in them, because of you or something you do or something you say or some way you express something?
Remember, 'excite' is the key word. There's so much nice about you, but what is it about you, that's 'interesting', 'exciting', something that can draw someone towards you?

If there's nothing, you know what to work on. You're welcome! And much of that process will lie on why you do something, rather than what you do. The why and how matter more. The why and how reflect in your attitude. And your 'why' and 'how' will be defined on how you see life!