Domestic Violence

Loneliness, Depression & Relationship Forum

Help Support Loneliness, Depression & Relationship Forum:

This site may earn a commission from merchant affiliate links, including eBay, Amazon, and others.
R

robot

Guest
Signs of an abusive relationshipp.

There are many signs of an abusive relationship. The most telling sign is fear of your partner. If you feel like you have to walk on eggshells around your partner—constantly watching what you say and do in order to avoid a blow-up—chances are your relationship is unhealthy and abusive. Other signs that you may be in an abusive relationship include a partner who belittles you or tries to control you, and feelings of self-loathing, helplessness, and desperation.

Abusers use a variety of tactics to manipulate you and exert their power:

* Dominance – Abusive individuals need to feel in charge of the relationship. They will make decisions for you and the family, tell you what to do, and expect you to obey without question. Your abuser may treat you like a servant, child, or even as his or her possession.
* Abusers use a variety of tactics to manipulate you and exert their powe
rHumiliation – An abuser will do everything he or she can to make you feel bad about yourself or defective in some way. After all, if you believe you're worthless and that no one else will want you, you're less likely to leave. Insults, name-calling, shaming, and public put-downs are all weapons of abuse designed to erode your self-esteem and make you feel powerless.
* Isolation – In order to increase your dependence on him or her, an abusive partner will cut you off from the outside world. He or she may keep you from seeing family or friends, or even prevent you from going to work or school. You may have to ask permission to do anything, go anywhere, or see anyone.
* Threats – Abusers commonly use threats to keep their partners from leaving or to scare them into dropping charges. Your abuser may threaten to hurt or kill you, your children, other family members, or even pets. He or she may also threaten to commit suicide, file false charges against you, or report you to child services.
* Intimidation – Your abuser may use a variety of intimidation tactics designed to scare you into submission. Such tactics include making threatening looks or gestures, smashing things in front of you, destroying property, hurting your pets, or putting weapons on display. The clear message is that if you don't obey, there will be violent consequences.
* Denial and blame – Abusers are very good at making excuses for the inexcusable. They will blame their abusive and violent behavior on a bad childhood, a bad day, and even on the victims of their abuse. Your abusive partner may minimize the abuse or deny that it occurred. He or she will commonly shift the responsibility on to you: Somehow, his or her violent and abusive behavior is your fault.

Source: http://www.helpguide.org/mental/domestic_violence_abuse_types_signs_causes_effects.htm

I would have put this in a news section. However, it doesn't get talked about enough and it is something that parallels my life right now.

Who has stories to share concerning their experiences?



www.hotline.org said:
In the United States on September 15, 2010, three women were murdered by their intimate partners, 36 babies were born to mothers living in domestic violence shelters and 391 survivors started new jobs. Three men committed suicide – one after murdering his wife, another after a failed attempt to kill his girlfriend, and the third after holding his partner hostage and a standoff with the police.

 
There can be no domestic relationship of the spouse of the son with the parents when the parents are not living along with the son & there can be no domestic relationship of a spouse with the parents of her husband when the son.
 
Thank you for posting that robot. It's very helpful and most people don't recognize or don't WANT to recognize what is happening.
More people just need to realize that and do what they have to do to get out of said relationships. It ain't easy to get out, but it's not healthy to stay.

((((robot)))))
 
((((((Callie)))))))

There were warning signs in my own situation.

Easier to get sucked into relationships with an abuser if you have already have bad self-esteem and feel worthless. That low self-esteem is amplified later in the relationship by the abuser's observations to use against their partner. The charm turns off and the abuse turns on. Slowly and progressively, before you know it, you start believing you actually deserve the abuse. It's sick.

I get irritated with a lot of the posts on this site regarding females and their tendencies to go for the "bad guy". Never a question about why. Manipulation is a powerful tool and doesn't start out with a "bad guy" saying, "Hey, I am a cheater, liar, and will wreak havoc on your self-esteem. Wanna go out?"

From the article:
Abusers are able to control their behavior—they do it all the time.

* Abusers pick and choose whom to abuse. They don’t insult, threaten, or assault everyone in their life who gives them grief. Usually, they save their abuse for the people closest to them, the ones they claim to love.
* Abusers carefully choose when and where to abuse. They control themselves until no one else is around to see their abusive behavior. They may act like everything is fine in public, but lash out instantly as soon as you’re alone.
* Abusers are able to stop their abusive behavior when it benefits them. Most abusers are not out of control. In fact, they’re able to immediately stop their abusive behavior when it’s to their advantage to do so (for example, when the police show up or their boss calls).
* Violent abusers usually direct their blows where they won’t show. Rather than acting out in a mindless rage, many physically violent abusers carefully aim their kicks and punches where the bruises and marks won’t show.

That being said, abusers are both males and females.
 
I was in an abusive relationship that was verbal, physical and sexual for 6 years when I was in my late teens and early twenties. I married a man when I was 19 that I thought I could change from being an alcoholic and drug addict. Of course, he made constant promises and that's why I went through with the marriage. I took all that time to leave because he threatened to stalk and kill my Sister and Mother. He also said he would kill me before the Police could get there if I called them. I finally didn't care what he did, because he choked me to near unconsiousness and then threw me across the room saying I wasn't worth it.

After years and years of therapy and quite a few scars on my body, I lived and still do live a normal life. I still, however, have nightmares of some of those times though.


Love yourself, don't think you can change anyone, and at the first sign of anything that Robot posted if you are in a relationship, get out!

Thanks Robot for your post! It states so many FACTS! I hope if anyone on the Forum is in a situation like this, they read this and realize it is an extreme danger to them--emotionally and physically!

 
Our situations sound so similar, WishingWell. My heart goes out to you and the pain you've endured.

My wake-up call was when I found hard evidence of my partner cheating on a website (with a girl who I knew frequented his place, but I was assured it was only a "friend"). Things became very clear to me shortly thereafter.

WishingWell said:
Love yourself, don't think you can change anyone, and at the first sign of anything that Robot posted if you are in a relationship, get out!
Agreed. Loving yourself is so important... Or at least having respect for yourself. Because if you don't to some extent, then you set yourself up as an easy target to an abuser.

Thanks Robot for your post! It states so many FACTS! I hope if anyone on the Forum is in a situation like this, they read this and realize it is an extreme danger to them--emotionally and physically!

Thank you for sharing your story, WishingWell! *hug*

 
WishingWell said:
I was in an abusive relationship that was verbal, physical and sexual for 6 years when I was in my late teens and early twenties. I married a man when I was 19 that I thought I could change from being an alcoholic and drug addict. Of course, he made constant promises and that's why I went through with the marriage. I took all that time to leave because he threatened to stalk and kill my Sister and Mother. He also said he would kill me before the Police could get there if I called them. I finally didn't care what he did, because he choked me to near unconsiousness and then threw me across the room saying I wasn't worth it.

WishingWell, please tell me this dirtbag is behind bars.
 
WishingWell said:
Thank you Robot! And, Ghost Boy, the "dirtbag" is dead. He died 3 years ago from alcoholism!

Seeing as my ex will probably die of the same fate... How did it make you feel learning that he was dead, WishingWell?
 
Most women I've gone out with suffers from addictions or alcoholism....
I'm very awear of the abuse that happens in a toxic relationship.
And all the signs
It's not especific gender as someone had mentioned

I know plenty of times I've written saying I'm attracted to pyshco ******* and I get invlove with these type of women over and over again. It was ment to be a joke...but seriously it happens.

Robot and wishingwill...
Did you come from dysfunctional homes or alcohol and drugs was involved?
Have you looked into codependency or Adult children of alcoholics?
Are you working any type of reovery program?
The reason why I ask is....like i say,
I'm attracted to or attract certain type of women into my life over
and over again. I dont even know if I'm doing it conciously or subconciously.
 
Robot--it made me think "another wasted life"--as in the past I have heard of so many people dying from drugs or alcohol. I didn't feel glad or anything like that, if that is what you mean.

Lonesome Crow, I did not come from a disfunctional family. And, this part of my life took part over 20 years ago, and I did go through years of counselling, etc. I am now doing well, and have put it behind me.

Thanks to both of you.
 
Lonesome Crow said:
Did you come from dysfunctional homes or alcohol and drugs was involved?
All the above.

Have you looked into codependency or Adult children of alcoholics?
Got professional counseling for a short time.

Are you working any type of reovery program?
Went cold turkey on drug use recently.

The reason why I ask is....like i say,
I'm attracted to or attract certain type of women into my life over
and over again. I dont even know if I'm doing it conciously or subconciously.
All I know is that... I'm aware of the warning signs now. I got pushed to the point of no return and I am never putting myself through it again. Even if that means if I become a lonely old broad with 10+ cats.

WishingWell said:
Robot--it made me think "another wasted life"--as in the past I have heard of so many people dying from drugs or alcohol. I didn't feel glad or anything like that, if that is what you mean.
I was just curious how it made you feel... I can relate to the whole "trying to change someone" bit. Couldn't change my family members from their drug use/alcohol use, just like I couldn't change my ex. There is a part of me that blames myself for losing family members to drug use/alcohol use. Just hope I don't do the same when I learn that my ex is dead from it, because of that whole "I've failed you" mentality I've got.
 
I too came from a dyfunctional family. My father is an alcoholic.
I got clean and sober at a very young age..22. I didn't do it alone though.
I attend recovery fellowships such as AA, NA or Alan-on. Abstance was enough for me.
I had to fine a new way to live...to live a happy fullfiling life.
I didnt relize or knew I was codependent. Most people are that grew up in a dysfunctional up bringing
That's why I kept getting involve with people that was using and becames abusive. it's part of the disease of alcoholism.

I wish you live and happy life. I wish I can take all your pains and sufferning away.
I wish those pains upon no one. it was a living hell.

Theres help if you want help. There's alot of people that had gone through simular circumstance that you had.
They had found new ways to live. A fulling life. They will also help you...if you want to.
I know a lot of trust had been destroyed and it's very difficult to want to trust again.

I know you're very, very hurted. I'm sorry you had to lived through that.
I hope you get well and heal.

You dont need to live alone with 10 cats...there's plenty of healthy non alcholics loving and caring people in this world.
I hope you meet someone that will love you like you needed to be loved and want to be love. To cherrish you. To honor you.
 
I'm sorry if it makes me sound like a horrible person, but I take joy in knowing failures in life like that die. Wasted life? No. It just didn't expire fast enough. Far too long of a life for them, that's the issue.
 
Lonesome Crow: I'm proud of you for becoming sober, despite all of the challenges you've had to face in life. Getting clean isn't easy... You know, I really didn't realize how "hooked" I was until I tried to stop. I got so ill within the first few weeks, it was like my body needed them to simply function.

For the most part, I feel a bit happier and healthier with each day that goes by that I don't put those things into my body. That isn't to say that the temptations aren't there... But more than anything, I want happiness. True happiness. Not synthetic (not to mention, expensive) happiness that is only going to kill me slowly and prevent me from pursuing any kind of career. Without the support of loved ones, I have no idea how I would have gotten this far. I'm so blessed that they didn't discard me for my mistakes...

Oh, and I probably won't have 10+ cats. Too many damn litter boxes. :p

WishingWell: I've thought about it, and you know... I agree. I won't feel glad either if my ex dies due to alcoholism. My depression also hates the idea of him dying before me. Despite what he has done to me, I'd much rather him live, learn, and be a better example for his younger family members who will become young men one day. Slim chance? Probably.

 

Latest posts

Back
Top