Don't ask, don't tell (a theory)

[Somnambulist]

I have a theory on why a lot of relationships may appear, at least on the surface, to succeed. Why those couples (referred to as "actors" here, for convenience) might seem to get along perfectly well and maybe it will stay like that for a few years or much longer.

Don't ask about my life, don't tell me about yours ... let's keep things superficial. Let's do things we enjoy doing together, let's not worry about the past and about our differing political views.

When you dig into someone's life/past, you're bound to find things that make you uncomfortable or that you simply disagree about. And, I think that a lot of us, because we are more inclined to want to express/share a lot with our partners, perhaps too soon, reach that uncomfortable state a lot sooner than actors would.

Why do some many divorces occur a few years into marriage ? My theory is that the act is kept up with success initially ... but, as the years go on, the layers of secrecy slowly erode away and the real people emerge. One day, you might finally fart at the dinner table ... and the act is over. Then they look at each other and go, "This isn't the person I married x years ago. WTF is this ?"

It would be interesting to apply this theory to a new relationship ... just keep things superficial, don't talk about the past, don't argue Clinton vs Trump, just enjoy each others' company. Let the real person emerge over time. And see if that succeeds.

I'm sure my theory doesn't apply to all successful relationships. I know some healthy relationships are based on strong core values and don't need superficiality.

But, what do you think ?

 

[TheRealCallie]

I think, a lie by omission is still a lie. You can't expect to have a successful relationship if you aren't open with the person.

While I don't believe the past matters, it IS a part of who you are and anyone you are in a relationship is going to want to know where and what you were before. You shouldn't hide that, you shouldn't be ashamed of that. It made you who you are, it brought you to the person you are dating/married to. The past doesn't matter, but at the same time, it kind of does.

Everyone argues, everyone disagrees. NO ONE, in any relationship is 100% in sync with each other. That is what makes life exciting.

 

[DarkSelene]

I think superficiality wouldn't be sucessful in any situation. How can you really know someone without talking about meaningful stuff? Their lives, your life, your points of view on different subjects, etc.
I completely see what you mean, I fail to understand if those people - the "actors", as you put it - have a different type of personality (maybe more closed off, not so sensitive), or if they are just not in search of something more meaningful, if it's just about settling to what comes in their lives... Because for two people who feel attracted to each other (on every level, I mean) and care for each other, want to love each other and be together, they'll want to know everything about one another!

So, in my opinion, you might get hurt doing something like that. It's easy to say you'll be more detached and let things go, it's even easier to find someone who wants nothing so serious, who can even be monogamic but will be more relaxed and chill about the whole thing not getting deep into your business, not talking lots about their own... I think for someone sensitive and lonely, someone who wants a deeper connection, that would mean you get to spend time with this person and feel more attached to them everyday while seeing how that person doesn't really want to get to know you better, see? It'll hurt!
I think I might be explaining this wrong, but maybe you'll get what I mean.

 

[Somnambulist]

I think, a lie by omission is still a lie.  You can't expect to have a successful relationship if you aren't open with the person.  

While I don't believe the past matters, it IS a part of who you are and anyone you are in a relationship is going to want to know where and what you were before.  You shouldn't hide that, you shouldn't be ashamed of that.  It made you who you are, it brought you to the person you are dating/married to.  The past doesn't matter, but at the same time, it kind of does.

Everyone argues, everyone disagrees.  NO ONE, in any relationship is 100% in sync with each other.  That is what makes life exciting.

I agree 100%. And, I embody all those principles.

However, I have found that, inevitably, too much closeness brings conflict ... kind of like the saying "Familiarity breeds contempt."

So, I guess what I'm really proposing is that, partners can come to an explicit agreement to "keep things simple". And, I think that could lead to a smoother relationship. Of course, as you pointed out, it would not be the most open/sincere relationship, but could be freer of conflict.

A former therapist of mine once used the analogy of the layers of an onion when describing trust in a relationship ... opening up "like an onion", in layers, over time. I find that hard to do. And, I surmise that a lot of folks who fail in relationships also find it hard to do. Because we want to open up too quickly. Now, if the world were full of open and trustworthy people, that wouldn't be a problem, but ...

 

[Somnambulist]

I think superficiality wouldn't be sucessful in any situation. How can you really know someone without talking about meaningful stuff? Their lives, your life, your points of view on different subjects, etc.
I completely see what you mean, I fail to understand if those people - the "actors", as you put it - have a different type of personality (maybe more closed off, not so sensitive), or if they are just not in search of something more meaningful, if it's just about settling to what comes in their lives... Because for two people who feel attracted to each other (on every level, I mean) and care for each other, want to love each other and be together, they'll want to know everything about one another!

So, in my opinion, you might get hurt doing something like that. It's easy to say you'll be more detached and let things go, it's even easier to find someone who wants nothing so serious, who can even be monogamic but will be more relaxed and chill about the whole thing not getting deep into your business, not talking lots about their own... I think for someone sensitive and lonely, someone who wants a deeper connection, that would mean you get to spend time with this person and feel more attached to them everyday while seeing how that person doesn't really want to get to know you better, see? It'll hurt!
I think I might be explaining this wrong, but maybe you'll get what I mean.

Yeah, I get what you mean. Totally agree. But, why then, every time we open ourselves up, do we get hurt ?

What I'm proposing is just a theory, really. Based on some thinking, which my brain does too much of.

But I have a feeling it can work.

 

[Paraiyar]

I feel like the less your opinions and interests deviate from a certain norm, the easier it can be to find compatible partners. And then they have less to clash over although you'd have to wonder if this leads to a pretty dull life...

 

[TheRealCallie]

I agree 100%. And, I embody all those principles.

However, I have found that, inevitably, too much closeness brings conflict ... kind of like the saying "Familiarity breeds contempt."

So, I guess what I'm really proposing is that, partners can come to an explicit agreement to "keep things simple". And, I think that could lead to a smoother relationship. Of course, as you pointed out, it would not be the most open/sincere relationship, but could be freer of conflict.

A former therapist of mine once used the analogy of the layers of an onion when describing trust in a relationship ... opening up "like an onion", in layers, over time. I find that hard to do. And, I surmise that a lot of folks who fail in relationships also find it hard to do. Because we want to open up too quickly. Now, if the world were full of open and trustworthy people, that wouldn't be a problem, but ...

I wouldn't want simplicity in a relationship.  That wouldn't really be a relationship, IMO.  When I'm in a relationship, I want to KNOW the person.  Perhaps not all at once, but still.  The thing about the past is that it always manages to catch up to you.  Chances are high that they will find out and then they'll be hurt that you didn't tell them yourself.  

Yeah, I get what you mean. Totally agree. But, why then, every time we open ourselves up, do we get hurt ?

Why do get hurt?  Because we aren't robots, that's why....
Life comes with risk, life comes with pain.  Doesn't matter what you do, who you know, where you are, who you are,you will experience pain.  What matters is how you deal with it.  Whether you let it defeat you or make you stronger.

 

[Austen]

I think superficiality can fuel a relationship for only so long as eventually boredom would set in and there would be nothing deep and meaningful to make the relationship worth the effort. I could be wrong though, especially given my remarkable lack of experience

 

[ladyforsaken]

There's so much to learn about an individual, it's hard to keep things superficial especially if you're really interested in the other person (and I would say so if we're talking about romantic relationships here).

 

[Tealeaf]

I think this is part of why relationships crash and burn a few years in sometimes. Some people keep things superficial in relationships, or are simply afraid to be alone and so take anyone who'll have them. So they wind up with people who are only compatible on the surface and eventually tension builds, people get bored, people find someone more interesting, or they just no longer need the support. And then it breaks.

Keeping things superficial is a common tactic to keep the peace or avoid conflict in social situations. It might work for a while, but it's a gamble as to how long because no one can really do that 24/7. And eventually you'll meet issues like raising children, etc. I also think many people don't have good communication skills in relationships which contributes to them breaking up.

Relationships are also hard in ways that are unforeseeable. Maybe their habits are fine at first. Maybe you forgot to talk about one or two topics and those are the ones that tear you apart. Maybe you say something one family dinner and that starts a divide that only grows, between you and people you don't know but your partner loves. Especially if you're young, people can change a lot in just a few short years. Or it's something completely unrelated. One high school boyfriend I was with for a year tried to drug me for *** and that's not something you can predict.

But quite a few things could be forgiven in a long-term partner, a dear friend, or a family member because who wants to lose that? Maybe it's annoying but someone you've known for years, and who knew you when you were young, or a completely different person, is extremely valuable. You can't just reach out and get a new one if you don't like the political opinions of your current childhood friend. You can't just get a new brother or sister. You can't just find a new person you spent 15 years raising children with.

Growing closer to people is tricky, though. You can definitely scare people off with "too much" at first. Maybe it just seems like too much work for someone they're not really attached to yet. I know I tend to be mistrustful of people who share too much too soon, especially because I've known people to lie for attention and people who share too much too soon to be explosive with me. I guess it's not really about what they share (the depression, their family history, drugs, etc), just what it might mean to be too easy with that information.

I've wondered this about my own relationship, when I should mention things like depression that occasionally flare up and have left a few metaphorical scars.

 

[ardour]

I don’t think perfectly matching political views or having the same set of interests is all that necessary. Sure they'd be some definite red flags for me, like for example someone without any hint of a social conscience, but not everyone feels that way, even about something like that. Maybe some people are capable of tolerating their differences while keeping things civil? In which case keeping it at the superficial surface level all the time wouldn't be required. And anyway some people just don't have strong opinions.

How people deal with familiarity though, seeing the same person day-in day-out, well that is another thing. Just from where I am, couples that are long-term seem to be those where people weren’t all that initially emotionally invested or smitten, people who were into the idea of a successful relationship rather than ‘getting’ a particular person. It might seem like a cold arrangement, but it seems to work.

 

[Tuathaniel]

Whether or not matching political views are deal breakers, depends entirely on the individual and the political gap. Some people don't care about politics at all, and probably wouldn't mind a difference, and for some it's the very basis of how you judge peoples' values and character. I have a bullet list of deal breakers, and political view is definitely on it. E.g. I could never be with someone who admired Trump - that would mean our core values in life were just too different, and I would never be able to respect such a partner. A relationship without mutual respect is doomed.

 

[morrowrd]

When dating, many times we are dating people who are literally strangers.  And even when dating people we have known for "awhile" it's not the same thing as being in a relationship with them.   Opening up all your secrets can be overwhelming and sometimes scary depending on what it is and who is listening.  Thus, lets go out and have fun, not share anything too deep, isn't really a bad formula for starting out. It's called baby steps.  It's not too different from deciding not to sleep with someone after a date or two, postponing that emotional bond until such a time as you can honestly say, we are compatible.

In marriages, there are some other factors to consider, like age for example.  Myself, I proposed to my girlfriend after 3 months of dating.... what a mistake that was way back then.  We were NOT compatible but both shared similar needs in wanting a permanent relationship. Yet those needs were obviously not enough, it was immature thinking.  Looking back, that was just one of many mistakes I made using immature judgment during that era.  And it didn't take years to uncover the incompatibility...I knew it before the wedding, but didn't have the spirit or motivation to call it off. I had zero relationship experience, and figured everyone probably feels the way I do, wedding jitters.  In hindsight, they were red flags and I didn't have the understanding due to that lack of experience to recognize them.  

I believe a solid relationship begins with learning to communicate and having fun together. That doesn't involved sharing skeletons...at least in the beginning. Political views and religion, I don't see the need to do any more that just touch on them, just because I think there are bigger fish to fry, like trust for instance. Trust needs to be built, and that begins with those baby steps.  The communicating matures as the relationship continues, obviously there has to be a physical attraction to a degree, and something about the person beyond looks, that you like.  Sharing fun times, laughing and talking, all lead you down the path of a deeper, more solid relationship.  In my case with my marriage, simply wanting a secure relationship and finding someone who felt the same, wasn't wise.  Youth is wasted on the youth, they say.