trZ
Well-known member
Hi. I'm somewhat new to this site, and still I feel like I have finally escaped the loneliness that haunted me for years. I am sure this site helped me escape, too. Thanks guys.
I have a lot on my mind, here.. So this might get messy and long. Forgive me. But I do think I have some good advice. It sure helped me.
My life now, versus the life I had when I was lonely... Is exactly the same. Nothing has changed. I go to the same school, live at the same place, I have the same friends as before... This doesn't apply to everyone, but my point is that it was all in my mind. Everything. Some people, I know have "rational" loneliness, i.e they don't have anyone around them. But at the same time, a lot of people are lonely although they have people around them.
*mod edit*
I had a lot of thoughts about how to get out of this situation. One of the absolutely strongest and most painful feeling I had when was I felt I would never find a girlfriend. This was my main problem. General loneliness + the belief I would never get a girlfriend. I had no contact with the people I knew, I was fat and apathetic. In other words, I was depressed.
Step#1: March, 2010. I decided to lose the weight. I was about 140kg (like 300lbs?). I did a lot of research and found out exactly what I had to do. I realized it would take time and I started working out 4 times a week, and change my diet. This was easy once I got started. I have now lost about 40kg (90lbs or something), and I have just a little bit left before I have reached my goal.
Step#2: April 2010. Quit gaming counter strike. For years I played this game competitively, and I earned some money on it. I was one of the best in my country and so it was always motivating me. At last i realized this wasn't getting me anywhere, and even though I enjoyed it, it took to much of my time to be qualified as recreation. I still play games, but only a small amount when I have nothing else to do.
OK, now these are relatively small steps. I was far from escaping loneliness at this point. But its something.
Some time went, I was still lonely but I stayed at the training part. Training in it self makes life more liveable, trust me.
Step#3: June 2010. Get a new hobby to replace my gaming habits. For me, this was mixed martial arts. I started training it. It was fun, it was motivating, and it got me out of the house and in contact with new people. Great! Still lonely, though.
Ok, I'm getting some feeling of accomplishment. The weight is going down, I'm feeling better already. Still lonely, though.
Step #4: October 2010. Making an account on ALL. It helped me alot seeing other people in a similar situation as myself. I began to see patterns as to why people where lonely, and what got them there.
Step#5: October 2010. Taking a hard look at myself. My low self esteem was not irrational. I was going nowhere in life, I had accomplished nothing and I was just sitting inside. The only thing keeping me sane was that I was succeeding in losing the weight. Taking a hard look at myself told me that I had to do something. What do I want to be in life? What person do I want to be? I started keeping my apartment real clean, I started paying attention in school, I started to look at where I wanted to go to university, and set my goals up. I bought some new clothes to make me feel better. I did it and I'm sticking by it.
OK, now I'm starting to feel like I'm doing what is expected of me, both by family and myself. This felt great, doing what I was supposed to do.
Now lets see about that friend problem.
I decided that I would contact some people I know from my old school. We went drinking and saw a concert. I had a blast and I understood I had nothing to be afraid of.
The next weekend, I went out again with another group of friends. Again I had a great time.
I started making phone calls to the people I know, I started asking random people what the time is in the streets, on the buss station etc. I started looking clerks in the eyes and smile when I bought stuff. This might sound stupid, it might sound trivial but it helped me immensly
I understood that in conversation, subject, what you say etc.. Its not that big of a deal. Be yourself and the people YOU want to be around will enjoy your company. The people YOU don't want to hang around probably won't like you all that much, but thats ok because you don't want to be around them anyways. Just, don't read too much into things that happen during conversations. Don't worry if they like you or not, just be yourself. It sounds so clichê but yet it is so true.
I realize that not everyone have someone they can call, or hang out with. To the people with absolutely no one to turn to, I suggest working as a volunteer. My sister did this, and she has just loads of friends from there.
Still I was wanting a girlfriend. As I've said in some earlier posts I have some weird preferences, and so I felt I would never ever going to get a girlfriend. I was in some serious pain over this.
What I did in this case, was again looking at myself. I had already done the changes I felt was necassery to feel good about myself. I understood that I was in no way "a bad catch", I didn't like myself as a person before, and I do now. This means I don't have to be desperate. I don't have to be grasping for straws, and this is a self fulfilling prophecy. If women sense that you are desperate, its an instant turn off. You all know this. This was in so many ways a relief because I realized that if I'm happy about the person I am now, just think about what I will feel about myself in, lets say a couple of years time, after working on myself and my social skill even further. I'd be like any other person! And I'd be even happier!
As I sit here on the forums, reading.. I see a lot of people being in pain over a lot of different stuff. Having no friends, having trouble finding girlfriends.
YOU NEED TO MAKE IT A PRIORITY TO FIX THE PROBLEM. You know yourself how much it hurts, and so you need to do something about it!
Having trouble finding a girlfriend? Go out, talk to people (pref girls but talking to people in general is great practice. Girls are after all people themselves). Practice makes perfect, also here.
Having trouble finding friends? Go out and talk to people! If you're lacking social skill, pay more attention to what other people are doing and saying, whilst getting practice. You will get better, and you will find friends. This applies to everyone.
If you feel that nobody will like you because you are "a loser" or "a nobody", you are obviously having issues with yourself. I think this is pretty normal for lonely people, and I say make the changes needed for you to change your opinion about yourself. This is the utter most important part of it all. You need to be happy about who you are, what you are doing in life - At any cost. Your life is gonna suck otherwise. Nothing will ever be perfect, our brains realize this and therefore you will see huge changes in your mental state just by doing a few things about it.
And, another thing...
You guys.. The past is THE PAST. It does not need to have relevance in your life TODAY, NOW. What I often do is I do my best efforts to 'reset' my mind. I try to forget about everything in the past, look at what I am (in my case a healthy 18 year old boy attending school), and understanding that what differs me from other people, and what makes me unhappy, is the memories haunting me. If I can see past them, and understand that I am just the same as all the other people, with their friends and their girlfriends, I am at a much better position to start working towards happiness.
Bottom line is: Identify the problem, think carefully about your options and possible solutions, and do what is needed to fix the problem. It is not a long distance compared to the reward.
I have a lot of thoughts on this subject, and I could write a hell of a lot more, but this will do for now. I will continue working on my self as a person, and making sure I do things that make me happy, whatever that may be.
I hope this doesn't make me sound like I think I'm somekind of "guru" on the subject, these are just my thoughts on the subject.
*mod edit*
Thanks for reading it.
I have a lot on my mind, here.. So this might get messy and long. Forgive me. But I do think I have some good advice. It sure helped me.
My life now, versus the life I had when I was lonely... Is exactly the same. Nothing has changed. I go to the same school, live at the same place, I have the same friends as before... This doesn't apply to everyone, but my point is that it was all in my mind. Everything. Some people, I know have "rational" loneliness, i.e they don't have anyone around them. But at the same time, a lot of people are lonely although they have people around them.
*mod edit*
I had a lot of thoughts about how to get out of this situation. One of the absolutely strongest and most painful feeling I had when was I felt I would never find a girlfriend. This was my main problem. General loneliness + the belief I would never get a girlfriend. I had no contact with the people I knew, I was fat and apathetic. In other words, I was depressed.
Step#1: March, 2010. I decided to lose the weight. I was about 140kg (like 300lbs?). I did a lot of research and found out exactly what I had to do. I realized it would take time and I started working out 4 times a week, and change my diet. This was easy once I got started. I have now lost about 40kg (90lbs or something), and I have just a little bit left before I have reached my goal.
Step#2: April 2010. Quit gaming counter strike. For years I played this game competitively, and I earned some money on it. I was one of the best in my country and so it was always motivating me. At last i realized this wasn't getting me anywhere, and even though I enjoyed it, it took to much of my time to be qualified as recreation. I still play games, but only a small amount when I have nothing else to do.
OK, now these are relatively small steps. I was far from escaping loneliness at this point. But its something.
Some time went, I was still lonely but I stayed at the training part. Training in it self makes life more liveable, trust me.
Step#3: June 2010. Get a new hobby to replace my gaming habits. For me, this was mixed martial arts. I started training it. It was fun, it was motivating, and it got me out of the house and in contact with new people. Great! Still lonely, though.
Ok, I'm getting some feeling of accomplishment. The weight is going down, I'm feeling better already. Still lonely, though.
Step #4: October 2010. Making an account on ALL. It helped me alot seeing other people in a similar situation as myself. I began to see patterns as to why people where lonely, and what got them there.
Step#5: October 2010. Taking a hard look at myself. My low self esteem was not irrational. I was going nowhere in life, I had accomplished nothing and I was just sitting inside. The only thing keeping me sane was that I was succeeding in losing the weight. Taking a hard look at myself told me that I had to do something. What do I want to be in life? What person do I want to be? I started keeping my apartment real clean, I started paying attention in school, I started to look at where I wanted to go to university, and set my goals up. I bought some new clothes to make me feel better. I did it and I'm sticking by it.
OK, now I'm starting to feel like I'm doing what is expected of me, both by family and myself. This felt great, doing what I was supposed to do.
Now lets see about that friend problem.
I decided that I would contact some people I know from my old school. We went drinking and saw a concert. I had a blast and I understood I had nothing to be afraid of.
The next weekend, I went out again with another group of friends. Again I had a great time.
I started making phone calls to the people I know, I started asking random people what the time is in the streets, on the buss station etc. I started looking clerks in the eyes and smile when I bought stuff. This might sound stupid, it might sound trivial but it helped me immensly
I understood that in conversation, subject, what you say etc.. Its not that big of a deal. Be yourself and the people YOU want to be around will enjoy your company. The people YOU don't want to hang around probably won't like you all that much, but thats ok because you don't want to be around them anyways. Just, don't read too much into things that happen during conversations. Don't worry if they like you or not, just be yourself. It sounds so clichê but yet it is so true.
I realize that not everyone have someone they can call, or hang out with. To the people with absolutely no one to turn to, I suggest working as a volunteer. My sister did this, and she has just loads of friends from there.
Still I was wanting a girlfriend. As I've said in some earlier posts I have some weird preferences, and so I felt I would never ever going to get a girlfriend. I was in some serious pain over this.
What I did in this case, was again looking at myself. I had already done the changes I felt was necassery to feel good about myself. I understood that I was in no way "a bad catch", I didn't like myself as a person before, and I do now. This means I don't have to be desperate. I don't have to be grasping for straws, and this is a self fulfilling prophecy. If women sense that you are desperate, its an instant turn off. You all know this. This was in so many ways a relief because I realized that if I'm happy about the person I am now, just think about what I will feel about myself in, lets say a couple of years time, after working on myself and my social skill even further. I'd be like any other person! And I'd be even happier!
As I sit here on the forums, reading.. I see a lot of people being in pain over a lot of different stuff. Having no friends, having trouble finding girlfriends.
YOU NEED TO MAKE IT A PRIORITY TO FIX THE PROBLEM. You know yourself how much it hurts, and so you need to do something about it!
Having trouble finding a girlfriend? Go out, talk to people (pref girls but talking to people in general is great practice. Girls are after all people themselves). Practice makes perfect, also here.
Having trouble finding friends? Go out and talk to people! If you're lacking social skill, pay more attention to what other people are doing and saying, whilst getting practice. You will get better, and you will find friends. This applies to everyone.
If you feel that nobody will like you because you are "a loser" or "a nobody", you are obviously having issues with yourself. I think this is pretty normal for lonely people, and I say make the changes needed for you to change your opinion about yourself. This is the utter most important part of it all. You need to be happy about who you are, what you are doing in life - At any cost. Your life is gonna suck otherwise. Nothing will ever be perfect, our brains realize this and therefore you will see huge changes in your mental state just by doing a few things about it.
And, another thing...
You guys.. The past is THE PAST. It does not need to have relevance in your life TODAY, NOW. What I often do is I do my best efforts to 'reset' my mind. I try to forget about everything in the past, look at what I am (in my case a healthy 18 year old boy attending school), and understanding that what differs me from other people, and what makes me unhappy, is the memories haunting me. If I can see past them, and understand that I am just the same as all the other people, with their friends and their girlfriends, I am at a much better position to start working towards happiness.
Bottom line is: Identify the problem, think carefully about your options and possible solutions, and do what is needed to fix the problem. It is not a long distance compared to the reward.
I have a lot of thoughts on this subject, and I could write a hell of a lot more, but this will do for now. I will continue working on my self as a person, and making sure I do things that make me happy, whatever that may be.
I hope this doesn't make me sound like I think I'm somekind of "guru" on the subject, these are just my thoughts on the subject.
*mod edit*
Thanks for reading it.
