Even God left.

[user 190311]

I grew up in a cult and at school the other kids would make fun of me incessantly because we had strange practices that made me stand out. So school was pretty lonely, but I always felt God was with me.

Now years later I have become disillusioned about God. I have become tired of doing all the work in order for him to exist, or to rely on others working as his proxies, tired of eagerly waiting for some coincidence to make him real.

Now I have realised I have been all alone all along. I am not special. I'm just a meat bag walking around until I spoil.

Lately I have even been begging, late at night and in tears, for him to just say one word. One word would make everything mean something, but he is silent, and in that silence I find the truth. The truth that for those that perish things are meaningless. Where once I saw heaven opened, I now see the gaping maw of the void.

I'm tired of being used by preachers, who bind people in chains instead of breaking them free. I need God himself, not proxies. It's like only looking at paintings of beautiful places, but never seeing it for yourself. They are nice for a while but ultimately empty.

I'm pretty down people.

 

[Cherubino]

 

[TheRealCallie]

What do you mean by "doing all the work in order to make him exist"? God is based in faith. There's not always going to be signs of it, it's more that you just know it's there in the background. Sometimes you just have to figure things out for yourself. Like that whole free will thing. If you're given all the answers, what's the point?

I'm not sure what answers you're looking for, but is there anything you can do to make something happen for yourself?

 

[user 139760]

I'm not going to talk to you about God. Me and Him, if he's even there, have unsettled beef with each other.
I can however, talk to you about life. About what it means. Or maybe, about what I think it should mean.
See, I was kind of like you once. Religion, once upon a time, my Faith, was everything to me. When I'd pass by a church, I'd run up the steps, take a knee and offer a quick prayer. My Faith was pretty strong.
I also found myself in what could be considered a cult. Ih, it's practices weren't that strange, it's rather well known. But to my family? May as well have sprouted a second head. I had to leave it in order to keep my family. Which is ironically a teaching given to me by said cult. Choice was obvious.

Then, several years later, something happened. Something big. I couldn't reconcile the idea of a benevolent, all knowing, all caring father with the grotesque, ugly, evil act committed on me and mine. I went to a few churches. Spent night crying for help from on high. Long wait for a train didn't come.
I'll tell you what I did find though. People.
In the right place, at the right time, because I listened a certain way, people brought me back. Helped me climb out of hell. Even though I never told them, every day I wanted to die. I'm sure, if I actually told my loved ones what I think at times, they'd be shocked to find out sometimes, I still do. It's not something that just goes away, it's something that you learn to live with.
God didn't give me that strength. Other people's words and actions gave me that. Sometimes I still get weak. Sometimes I drop to my knees. Sometimes I make mistakes, am not the best man I can be. But those people...they listen to me, they give me a hug and help me get back up.

THAT'S where my Faith lies now. If there is a God, I figure he'd want us to live like he isn't there, just in case he isn't. But he sent people out there to help us walk the way when we get too tiredto walk by ourselves. You'd do worse than to look for it. Sometimes, help can be found in the places you least expect it to.
If you're looking for truth, or meaning from on high? Might wait a **** long time.

BUT...you can make your own. That you can find.

Good luck, man.

 

[user 190311]

I'm not going to talk to you about God. Me and Him, if he's even there, have unsettled beef with each other.
I can however, talk to you about life. About what it means. Or maybe, about what I think it should mean.
See, I was kind of like you once. Religion, once upon a time, my Faith, was everything to me. When I'd pass by a church, I'd run up the steps, take a knee and offer a quick prayer. My Faith was pretty strong.
I also found myself in what could be considered a cult. Ih, it's practices weren't that strange, it's rather well known. But to my family? May as well have sprouted a second head. I had to leave it in order to keep my family. Which is ironically a teaching given to me by said cult. Choice was obvious.

Then, several years later, something happened. Something big. I couldn't reconcile the idea of a benevolent, all knowing, all caring father with the grotesque, ugly, evil act committed on me and mine. I went to a few churches. Spent night crying for help from on high. Long wait for a train didn't come.
I'll tell you what I did find though. People.
In the right place, at the right time, because I listened a certain way, people brought me back. Helped me climb out of hell. Even though I never told them, every day I wanted to die. I'm sure, if I actually told my loved ones what I think at times, they'd be shocked to find out sometimes, I still do. It's not something that just goes away, it's something that you learn to live with.
God didn't give me that strength. Other people's words and actions gave me that. Sometimes I still get weak. Sometimes I drop to my knees. Sometimes I make mistakes, am not the best nan I can be. But those people...they listen to me, they give me a hug and help me get back up.

THAT'S where my Faith lies now. If there is a God, I figure he'd want us to live like he isn't there, just in case he isn't. But he sent people out there to help us walk the way when we get too tiredto walk by ourselves. You'd do worse than to look for it. Sometimes, help can be found in the places you least expect it to.
If you're looking for truth, or meaning from on high? Might wait a **** long time.

BUT...you can make your own. That you can find.

Good luck, man.

Thank you, that makes sense. I think I need to work on my people skills because I tend to push loved ones away. I am trying, but I always end up isolating.

 

[Abstamyous]

This is tough. I didn't grow up religious, but have come to accept that there is a Higher Power in my life. As Callie said, completely faith based. For the most part, I find my HP in the small things happening around me. Things that just seem to happen at the right moment, to teach me or to show me there's something else. Things that I would miss if I believed in absolutely nothing.
I am very sorry for your experiences growing up. It's completely unfair when something that is supposed to be rooted in religion, jades you from it. And I imagine you felt like you didn't belong. Please know that you are just as welcome to have faith as anyone else, even if you feel down now. It's a very personal thing, requires no gathering or priests or cults.
One thing I do daily, is look for the moon when it is dark out. I don't know why, but I feel such a power in it.
Could just be a werewolf though

 

[user 139760]

Thank you, that makes sense. I think I need to work on my people skills because I tend to push loved ones away. I am trying, but I always end up isolating.

I think it's normal. Doubly so when you're in pain. Depending on who you are as a person, it's often a lot easier to push people away than let them in. I struggle a great deal with that myself. Couple of jokes, couple of winks, oh yeah, Richard is fine, no problem. In fact, people ironically usually dump on me. I don't say a word, give them advice lol. It's kind of funny in a way. But, for my close friends, you gotta let them in. Wisdom is everywhere if you look for it, it doesn't have to be a whispered word out of thin air at 2 am, it can be a big sign on A-125 that speaks to you personally.
Open up. Talk to your friends. If you're isolated, seek some help, wether it be a professional or a group, just a support group. Speak out. There ARE sone people out there just WAITING to help you. You got to let them know.

 

[user 190311]

What do you mean by "doing all the work in order to make him exist"? God is based in faith. There's not always going to be signs of it, it's more that you just know it's there in the background. Sometimes you just have to figure things out for yourself. Like that whole free will thing. If you're given all the answers, what's the point?

I'm not sure what answers you're looking for, but is there anything you can do to make something happen for yourself?

Faith is something you do to make God real in the face of his inaction or absence. I'm so tired of that. I guess I'm trying to find meaning post God, in the vacuum left by the loss of hope for eternal life.

 

[user 190311]

This is tough. I didn't grow up religious, but have come to accept that there is a Higher Power in my life. As Callie said, completely faith based. For the most part, I find my HP in the small things happening around me. Things that just seem to happen at the right moment, to teach me or to show me there's something else. Things that I would miss if I believed in absolutely nothing.
I am very sorry for your experiences growing up. It's completely unfair when something that is supposed to be rooted in religion, jades you from it. And I imagine you felt like you didn't belong. Please know that you are just as welcome to have faith as anyone else, even if you feel down now. It's a very personal thing, requires no gathering or priests or cults.
One thing I do daily, is look for the moon when it is dark out. I don't know why, but I feel such a power in it.
Could just be a werewolf though

I'll have to try that, maybe it will awaken something in me again

 

[TheRealCallie]

Faith is something you do to make God real in the face of his inaction or absence. I'm so tired of that. I guess I'm trying to find meaning post God, in the vacuum left by the loss of hope for eternal life.

Faith, to me, isn't something you do, it's just something you have. In my opinion, there's nothing you can really do to make yourself have faith, it's either there or it's not. But even if it's not there, that doesn't mean that life is meaningless. Focus on the good things in life. There is a lot of good out there, if you give yourself the chance to see it.
If there's something in life that you want and don't have, do what you can to make it happen. Don't just sit back and wait for it to come to you, go get it. It's not easy, sometimes, but it's definitely worth it.

 

[user 190311]

I think it's normal. Doubly so when you're in pain. Depending on who you are as a person, it's often a lot easier to push people away than let them in. I struggle a great deal with that myself. Couple of jokes, couple of winks, oh yeah, Richard is fine, no problem. In fact, people ironically usually dump on me. I don't say a word, give them advice lol. It's kind of funny in a way. But, for my close friends, you gotta let them in. Wisdom is everywhere if you look for it, it doesn't have to be a whispered word out of thin air at 2 am, it can be a big sign on A-125 that speaks to you personally.
Open up. Talk to your friends. If you're isolated, seek some help, wether it be a professional or a group, just a support group. Speak out. There ARE sone people out there just WAITING to help you. You got to let them know.

My brother invited me for BBQ yesterday. So I sent a whatsapp saying I would go, but then quickly deleted it after becoming anxious. Then he messaged asking if he should pick me up, and he even tried to phone, but I just put my phone on silent and ignored everything. It felt like I had no choice: That it was expected of me to say yes, and that I have no freedom. I guess what I'm saying is that social interactions feel wrong, like it's forced on me. Maybe I have some personality disorder

 

[Cherubino]

you have 3 options

- to go with the teaching of this man https://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Immanuel_Kant

- to go with the teaching of this man https://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Bertrand_Russell

- to create a new teaching yourself

 

[user 139760]

My brother invited me for BBQ yesterday. So I sent a whatsapp saying I would go, but then quickly deleted it after becoming anxious. Then he messaged asking if he should pick me up, and he even tried to phone, but I just put my phone on silent and ignored everything. It felt like I had no choice: That it was expected of me to say yes, and that I have no freedom. I guess what I'm saying is that social interactions feel wrong, like it's forced on me. Maybe I have some personality disorder

I supposed that could be one way to look at it.
Here's another, though, just tossing it out there; maybe. Just maybe. He just wants to see...you.
I imagine, I don't know you or him or anything really, that you care about your brother and that he cares about you. Maybe he's feeling you're not 100%. Maybe he's worried.
Maybe you should call him, talk to him. Even if it's about nothing important. Baby steps, man.

 

[user 190311]

Faith, to me, isn't something you do, it's just something you have. In my opinion, there's nothing you can really do to make yourself have faith, it's either there or it's not. But even if it's not there, that doesn't mean that life is meaningless. Focus on the good things in life. There is a lot of good out there, if you give yourself the chance to see it.
If there's something in life that you want and don't have, do what you can to make it happen. Don't just sit back and wait for it to come to you, go get it. It's not easy, sometimes, but it's definitely worth it.

Good advice thank you.

I was trying to solve my loneliness by trying dating apps, but I can't seem to communicate effectively. I get many matches but as soon as the conversation becomes more personal things don't work. Either my personality sucks, or I don't express myself properly. Not sure.

 

[Unsigned]

Hi @Wildman

Just my 2 cents here. Feel free to ignore.
I am a "lapsed Catholic". But I still consider myself a "believer".
I have found in the past that praying for the strength and resolve to be able to do something has helped.
Praying directly for something never works.
God, it seems, is more inclined to help us help ourselves.
I'll give a personal example. I have very bad tinnitus in my right ear. Since I was 12.
And it has gotten progressively worse over the course of my life. At times it has bothered me so much that I could not sleep.
Many times in the past I prayed for God to give me the strength to endure this curse.
And it has worked.
Again, just my two cents.
Best of luck to you.

 

[TheRealCallie]

Good advice thank you.

I was trying to solve my loneliness by trying dating apps, but I can't seem to communicate effectively. I get many matches but as soon as the conversation becomes more personal things don't work. Either my personality sucks, or I don't express myself properly. Not sure.

Maybe you're just scared to open up. Try to keep it light until you are more comfortable. Hell, maybe even just tell them that you don't open up easily, that way they know from the start to be a little more patient. Or maybe they can help you open up more easily.

 

[user 190311]

Hi @Wildman

Just my 2 cents here. Feel free to ignore.
I am a "lapsed Catholic". But I still consider myself a "believer".
I have found in the past that praying for the strength and resolve to be able to do something has helped.
Praying directly for something never works.
God, it seems, is more inclined to help us help ourselves.
I'll give a personal example. I have very bad tinnitus in my right ear. Since I was 12.
And it has gotten progressively worse over the course of my life. At times it has bothered me so much that I could not sleep.
Many times in the past I prayed for God to give me the strength to endure this curse.
And it has worked.
Again, just my two cents.
Best of luck to you.

Thanks for the reply. I have developed this cognitive dissonance where I'm extremely filled with faith or an atheist. Sometimes I pray and feel a connection, but times like now I feel empty.

 

[Unsigned]

but times like now I feel empty

I absolutely know that feeling.

 

[user 190311]

Maybe you're just scared to open up. Try to keep it light until you are more comfortable. Hell, maybe even just tell them that you don't open up easily, that way they know from the start to be a little more patient. Or maybe they can help you open up more easily.

The last person I talked to wanted to meet, but she asked about my religion. I am very faithful at times and sometimes feel there is nothing there, like now. She ghosted me after I told her that, and about the cult stuff...okay...as I type this I realise what you mean keep it light.

 

[user 190311]

you have 3 options

- to go with the teaching of this man https://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Immanuel_Kant

- to go with the teaching of this man https://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Bertrand_Russell

- to create a new teaching yourself

Thanks, I think I'm gradually making my own one, but it seems to have ups and downs of success