Everything said. I've got nothing left

[MentatsGhoul]

fresia it, I'm just going to be 100% honest here, just say everything. None of you will care anyway, I doubt I'll even get a response, I'm just so **** worthless to everyone

I have nothing left. Nothing. I look like honeysuckle, my clothes are dirty and falling apart, I haven't shaved in weeks or had a haircut in months, I'm jittery, because I had to quit drinking because it was just making me sick, and I've been drinking way too much caffeine, but it's just making me more anxious, my room is full of old cans, bottles, just junk left over from my awful diet that I haven't been able to clean up.

I lost my ex, huh, funny, exactly a year and a half ago, on New Years Eve, over something I never expected to go through. So what was it, huh? What was this vague thing that I always allude to? She realised that, well, she wanted to be a "he" instead. And I just couldn't... ******* get over that, I was an 18 year old kid, and I just couldn't image being with someone, my first relationship, moving to the US just to be with this person... and they wouldn't even be the gender I am attracted to anymore, and I'd have to just pretend it doesn't bother me. I have always considered myself a tolerant person, and it just made me feel like such hypocrite, such a weak *******, who left the person I loved over something they had no control over.

That person was all I had, and I tried to reach out to more people online. I only found one, an online "friend" I had cut contact with several months prior. He seemed regretful over the emotionally manipulative way he used to treat me, so I gave him a new chance. But of course, this was a mistake. Every day, he'd ask me the exact same ******* questions. Those weird "conversation starters", such as "Do you think white people are genetically superior"- no I ******* don't, and I explained to him several ******* times why, and I told him I didn't feel comfortable talking about that subject. But the worst of them all- he kept bringing up this girl, who had stopped talking to him. He had called her a ***** several times, acted weird and obsessive, and every day, he'd ask me "Why did she abandon me". Every day I tried my best to guess. He kept sending me screenshots of his repeated messages to her, where he kept asking HER these questions over and over as well, even after she threatened to call the police for harassment. Which was EXACTLY what this guy was doing. It was driving me insane, I was scared to even log onto the computer knowing I'd have to talk to him. I was honest with him and all, but it seemed like he just "forgot" the next day, or wasn't satisfied with the answer, and it would just repeat all over. I couldn't get rid of him or ignore him as well, because I was terrified that the moment I left him, he would commit suicide. Eventually though... I didn't even care, I just had to put my own sanity first, because I was too depressed to even function in every day life. I removed him from everything. I don't know what became of him, and I don't want to know.

Around the same time, I met someone else online. She was posting suicidal messages on a different forum I used to go to, and I responded, and later checked on her on chat to make sure she was okay. I don't know for sure if I saved her life by talking her out of it, but I need to believe I did, I need to believe I did at least one ******* worthwhile thing. Anyway, we ended up talking more. She was, well, weird. A weird, quirky, 23 year old goth girl. But still... we got along amazingly. Talking to her was always the highlight of my day. We'd joke around, send each other funny videos. We knew most of the darker stuff about each other's pasts and were able to open up to each other, and we were always there for one another, talked each other out of a lot of difficult times.

I went back to university. New flatmates, went out to new student societies. It started off alright, I went out quite a lot in the first month or two with my new flatmates. But I failed to make any friends in university, despite my best efforts, there was just this constant invisible wall between me and everyone else. I tried and tried, and it just made me more and more suicidal. At the same time, I started to develop feelings for my friend, despite my better judgment: hating the idea of another long-distance relationship, knowing I was not her type... But I couldn't help it. Or, it felt like I couldn't. But then she started to talk to me less and less. Because, after three years of a fairly miserable life, she started to finally turn her life around, and was extremely busy. I was worried, and finally, I decided to confess my feelings. She said she had had a lot of the same thoughts, though, we agreed a relationship wasn't the best idea. But... I went on vacation with my sister, and she went to a convention, where she very nearly hooked up with a guy, and it was all I could think of the whole time. Coupled with the fact that I have a hard time getting along with my sister, it was all I could think of, and it made the trip very hard to enjoy.

After I came back, I asked my friend maybe we could give it a shot after all. But she said no. And, after hearing her talk about her feelings for that guy she met, I felt admittedly jealous and I asked her to just please not bring it up for the time being. I don't think that's an unreasonable thing to ask in that situation, but she did seem to take it to heart. Coupled with her finding a new boyfriend through a dating site after three years of being single, who, apparently, had his own insecurities, I just became a burden to her, and I felt her subtly pushing me away, talking to me less and less every day, disappearing for days, never initiating conversations anymore. And I asked her about it, but she just said she was "busy". At the end, I was just asking her to at least say goodbye to me when she ended a conversation, because I kept waiting for her replies at night after she disappeared mid-conversation, which sometimes didn't come for days at a time, and she told me she couldn't even do that, because she was so busy and aloof.

A while later, a week before my twentieth birthday, I tried to kill myself by overdosing on a bunch of pain killers I found. It was an entirely impulsive decision. I hadn't spoken to anyone in person since coming back from spring break, and I just couldn't handle the loneliness. This was, obviously, unsuccessful, and I just vomited everything out after a while. But before that, I messaged her. I just... I didn't want her to feel responsible, because I was worried she would considering our recent drama and me being so obviously nervous about her leaving me. Or maybe part of me was trying to cry for help and let her know how bad things had really gotten. I honestly don't know WHAT I was thinking at that stage. But after that... she said she needed space. And after a while, I just told her we should just stop talking, because she clearly didn't want to anymore. But then I regretted it, and asked if we could at least make up. She told me she had no more hard feelings, but she couldn't talk to me anymore. She finally admitted, I had become a burden.

But what's worst... she said my behaviour reminded her of her abusive ex, and that I had triggered her ptsd, and it was causing her trouble with her new relationship, because it made it hard for her to open up. This... completely wrecked me. I was trying to turn my life around, trying to be more positive, but I couldn't. I just hated myself so bad. I still do. I'm no ******* better than that guy who harassed me and obsessed over that friend of his. Maybe it's karma. I judged that guy, I basically said "screw it" and left him to his fate... and that's what my friend did to me, someone I loved deeply, not romantically anymore, but as a close friend, which, if anything is more rare and valuable.

The only people who even remotely are in my life at this stage are my parents, but they always promise to help me find a therapist or something, but then they just keep putting it off, or make some half-assed attempt and then forget it again. I love them, and they love me, but there's virtually no common ground there and I feel so drained whenever I talk to them. I have to walk on eggshells, because finding out I'm suicidal or not a christian would probably destroy my mother, and I know that if I try to talk about MY issues, it will just spin it into a "family" thing or a crying match where I have to assure my parents they are not horrible parents, and I just ******* loathe that idea, I ******* loathe sitting there, being everyone's ******* go-to rational calm-down person, I didn't ask for that role, and I need help desperately myself.

I tried reaching out online more, but same thing there. People who were emotionally manipulative, wanted to use me as a means to vent their frustration, but instantly tried to change the topic when I wanted to talk about MY problems. I even had a girl who somehow got this weird sexual obsession with me, and started emotionally blackmailing me when I didn't go along with it, saying honeysuckle like "I missed you... not like you care", even though we hardly even knew each other. I cut them all out of my life, stopped messaging each one of them. I was probably unfair, harsh and hypocritical, like I always am, but I just... I can't. Not anymore, not at this stage. I did keep one friend though, someone I've known for over a year, but we only talked very occasionally. Recently, I've been talking to her every day, and it's great, reminds me of how things were with that other friend of mine. But... I worry things will just go the same way, and I hate the idea of relying on one person when I need to talk, and I'm worried it'll just end the same way, because I'm an awful human being.

So there... I'm a terrible, hypocritical person. I'm probably going to kill myself within the next year, all alone, if things don't get better. I have one dream that's keeping me going: I want to try my hand at acting. I used to be good at it as a kid. It might be something to keep me going and let me meet new people. But, I'll probably suck, and I won't be able to find out until next semester when I can join the drama club at university. And I probably SHOULDN'T have any friends, because they all end up worse because of me anyway by the end. I get punished for every mistake I make, but never rewarded for the times I try to be good. I'm not a bad person deep down, but I don't know how long I can keep trying to be good anymore. I just don't.

 

[user 115627]

You know, I had to convince myself that I could do some good by replying to this thread of yours...when you begin with that line of thought, it's no surprise one ends up doing nothing most of the time. You just decide against it for whatever inability you can attribute to yourself. But a lot of what you've written is relatable, so here goes nothing.

I remember reading that you drank a lot of alcohol, so even if going cold turkey makes you you jittery as hell now, it's better in the long run that you stopped doing it. It's a first step. Watch out with the caffeine though, so you are not giving yourself a heart attack instead. Clean up your room in small steps or it's only gonna add to your misery...but that's something to worry about later.

You have to stop blaming yourself for losing your ex and you even named the reason. Just like her decision to change genders is something she had no control over, so is your sexual attraction. It doesn't matter if you are 18 or 38 years old - it would take an immense amount of rewiring to make it happen just like that. That's not a question of tolerance, this is about something which is ingrained in your brain just like it is in hers. Sometimes things just don't work out and it's nobody's fault really...you have to forgive yourself here.

We all meet loads of people with toxic traits in our lives and while they almost always have some good sides to themselves, they're not always worth the price you pay for suffering through their behavior. I couldn't blame you for cutting ties to this friend of yours, even if he elevated your loneliness. Tolerance has its limits and his manipulative and obsessive ways were not within your ability to tolerate. It's commendable that you tried to help him out, but there's only so much you can do. You can try to direct people as best as you can, but in the end they have to make those steps in the right direction. Otherwise you'll just burden yourself with the sole responsibility. But you can't save people are not willing to save themselves. You put your own sanity first and that was the healthiest thing you could possibly do, because you have this responsibility to yourself first and foremost.

You had written about this female friend of yours before, so this paragraph will be less in-depth. I'll have to say right away that the way you behaved towards her does not measure up to the toxic behavior of this other friend of yours. It simply doesn't, that's just my subjective moral stance on this matter. I don't know how hung up you really were on her, but the way you described it makes it sound like your feelings were sincere and not obsessive or possessive. You mentioned that she had some feelings of hers as well and even if you both decided against a relationship, there was something there on both ends at some point. You were even honest about your jealousy and that's another important aspect which does not seem unreasonable at all.

You see, according to me you had a well working give-and-take interaction with her for quite some time which started with you reaching out in the beginning when she was suicidal. You did a good thing there and it was given back to you for the time being. The fewest friendships are made for eternity though and sometimes the terms of the interaction change. Which did happen. And when you operate on different levels you can either accept the new terms, renegotiate or decide that it's no longer for you. You were obviously unhappy with her constant busyness and her neglecting you as a once very good friend which you did point out to her to no avail. But...you did cross a line when you messaged her before your suicide attempt. I can see you are regretful and that you had "good intentions" by wanting her not to feel responsible. Yet the effect was the exact opposite and caused terrible repercussions. Like this kind of desperation always causes. You cannot take this back, but you can own up to that mistake - which you are already doing. More importantly, learn from that experience and don't do it again. You can hate yourself for only so long until there's no lesson to be learned from it anymore. Then you are just keeping yourself from living again.

Feeling drained when you are talking to your parents is very familiar feeling to me. There are always certain expectations that come along with being a son or a daughter which are often directly opposed to what you want to be and how you want to live your life. The moment you try to step out of those arbitrary boundaries, they'll appeal to your emotions and keep you inside with guilt-trips. More often than not, they don't even realize it. Most parents have a certain idea of who their child is supposed to become out instead of helping you to turn into your own person. That's just the way it is...and if you want to live for yourself, it means hurting other people's feelings sometimes in order to remain sane and to take care of yourselves, especially if no one else is willing to listen.

The majority of people are concerned with themselves and even moreso if they are having a rough time. All you can do is set up boundaries for yourself, knowing how much you are willing to tolerate being just an echo chamber for their laments. But there are still good people out there who are not only willing to play on mutually agreed terms, but to go the extra mile if they see you are struggling. Knowing that you'd do the same. The trouble is finding one of them who also happens to be on your wavelength. You seem like a smart guy who's got a way with expressing himself and that gives you edge, in my opinion. Do right by that friend you are talking to right now, don't repeat past mistakes but still watch our for yourself. Don't set up a self-fulfilling prophecy by thinking you are such a bad guy that you are predestined to fail for all eternity.

You are not a terrible person, MentatsGhoul. You made mistakes which are plaguing your conscience and you are very willing to take responsibility for everything. Even if some of these events were just as much beyond your control as they were beyond those of others. That proves to me that you have the necessary integrity. I don't wanna give you the "You are still young" talk cause I heard that one too often myself. No matter how old you are, it's important to keep trying and to remain vigilant. You have done some good things and you shouldn't erase them from your record. Yet I know that in our own heads these 2-3 fuckups are always the events that we stick to ourselves the most. We go far enough to believe that these are the deeds which define us to most and that's simply not true.

And your passion for acting? Invest into in however way you can. Use the skills you have and learn to appreciate them. Learn to appreciate yourself that way. Even if you can't invest into it right now, keep your eyes on the prize. Practice speaking in private, read scripts, what do I know...I just think it's important not to lose your ambition and determination.

 

[VanillaCreme]

fresia it, I'm just going to be 100% honest here, just say everything. None of you will care anyway, I doubt I'll even get a response, I'm just so **** worthless to everyone

. . .


I tried reaching out online more, but same thing there. People who were emotionally manipulative, wanted to use me as a means to vent their frustration, but instantly tried to change the topic when I wanted to talk about MY problems. I even had a girl who somehow got this weird sexual obsession with me, and started emotionally blackmailing me when I didn't go along with it, saying honeysuckle like "I missed you... not like you care", even though we hardly even knew each other.

What you say up there about members of the forum is pretty much what the girl was doing to you. But... I think you should take care of yourself. If you don't care about you, no one else will. In a general sense. Take care of yourself because you're the only one who will. At the end of the day, you've got yourself and have to live with yourself.

 

[MentatsGhoul]

You know, I had to convince myself that I could do some good by replying to this thread of yours...when you begin with that line of thought, it's no surprise one ends up doing nothing most of the time. You just decide against it for whatever inability you can attribute to yourself. But a lot of what you've written is relatable, so here goes nothing.

I remember reading that you drank a lot of alcohol, so even if going cold turkey makes you you jittery as hell now, it's better in the long run that you stopped doing it. It's a first step. Watch out with the caffeine though, so you are not giving yourself a heart attack instead. Clean up your room in small steps or it's only gonna add to your misery...but that's something to worry about later.

You have to stop blaming yourself for losing your ex and you even named the reason. Just like her decision to change genders is something she had no control over, so is your sexual attraction. It doesn't matter if you are 18 or 38 years old - it would take an immense amount of rewiring to make it happen just like that. That's not a question of tolerance, this is about something which is ingrained in your brain just like it is in hers. Sometimes things just don't work out and it's nobody's fault really...you have to forgive yourself here.

We all meet loads of people with toxic traits in our lives and while they almost always have some good sides to themselves, they're not always worth the price you pay for suffering through their behavior. I couldn't blame you for cutting ties to this friend of yours, even if he elevated your loneliness. Tolerance has its limits and his manipulative and obsessive ways were not within your ability to tolerate. It's commendable that you tried to help him out, but there's only so much you can do. You can try to direct people as best as you can, but in the end they have to make those steps in the right direction. Otherwise you'll just burden yourself with the sole responsibility. But you can't save people are not willing to save themselves. You put your own sanity first and that was the healthiest thing you could possibly do, because you have this responsibility to yourself first and foremost.

You had written about this female friend of yours before, so this paragraph will be less in-depth. I'll have to say right away that the way you behaved towards her does not measure up to the toxic behavior of this other friend of yours. It simply doesn't, that's just my subjective moral stance on this matter. I don't know how hung up you really were on her, but the way you described it makes it sound like your feelings were sincere and not obsessive or possessive. You mentioned that she had some feelings of hers as well and even if you both decided against a relationship, there was something there on both ends at some point. You were even honest about your jealousy and that's another important aspect which does not seem unreasonable at all.

You see, according to me you had a well working give-and-take interaction with her for quite some time which started with you reaching out in the beginning when she was suicidal. You did a good thing there and it was given back to you for the time being. The fewest friendships are made for eternity though and sometimes the terms of the interaction change. Which did happen. And when you operate on different levels you can either accept the new terms, renegotiate or decide that it's no longer for you. You were obviously unhappy with her constant busyness and her neglecting you as a once very good friend which you did point out to her to no avail. But...you did cross a line when you messaged her before your suicide attempt. I can see you are regretful and that you had "good intentions" by wanting her not to feel responsible. Yet the effect was the exact opposite and caused terrible repercussions. Like this kind of desperation always causes. You cannot take this back, but you can own up to that mistake - which you are already doing. More importantly, learn from that experience and don't do it again. You can hate yourself for only so long until there's no lesson to be learned from it anymore. Then you are just keeping yourself from living again.

Feeling drained when you are talking to your parents is very familiar feeling to me. There are always certain expectations that come along with being a son or a daughter which are often directly opposed to what you want to be and how you want to live your life. The moment you try to step out of those arbitrary boundaries, they'll appeal to your emotions and keep you inside with guilt-trips. More often than not, they don't even realize it. Most parents have a certain idea of who their child is supposed to become out instead of helping you to turn into your own person. That's just the way it is...and if you want to live for yourself, it means hurting other people's feelings sometimes in order to remain sane and to take care of yourselves, especially if no one else is willing to listen.

The majority of people are concerned with themselves and even moreso if they are having a rough time. All you can do is set up boundaries for yourself, knowing how much you are willing to tolerate being just an echo chamber for their laments. But there are still good people out there who are not only willing to play on mutually agreed terms, but to go the extra mile if they see you are struggling. Knowing that you'd do the same. The trouble is finding one of them who also happens to be on your wavelength. You seem like a smart guy who's got a way with expressing himself and that gives you edge, in my opinion. Do right by that friend you are talking to right now, don't repeat past mistakes but still watch our for yourself. Don't set up a self-fulfilling prophecy by thinking you are such a bad guy that you are predestined to fail for all eternity.

You are not a terrible person, MentatsGhoul. You made mistakes which are plaguing your conscience and you are very willing to take responsibility for everything. Even if some of these events were just as much beyond your control as they were beyond those of others. That proves to me that you have the necessary integrity. I don't wanna give you the "You are still young" talk cause I heard that one too often myself. No matter how old you are, it's important to keep trying and to remain vigilant. You have done some good things and you shouldn't erase them from your record. Yet I know that in our own heads these 2-3 fuckups are always the events that we stick to ourselves the most. We go far enough to believe that these are the deeds which define us to most and that's simply not true.

And your passion for acting? Invest into in however way you can. Use the skills you have and learn to appreciate them. Learn to appreciate yourself that way. Even if you can't invest into it right now, keep your eyes on the prize. Practice speaking in private, read scripts, what do I know...I just think it's important not to lose your ambition and determination.

Thanks for this response, and for going so in depth. I don't quite know how to respond. Ultimately, there's always a matter of perspective. No matter WHAT you do in life, you can always find SOME justification for it. But if I ended up in a similar situation again, would I act different? I don't know. I really don't. Really the only "lesson" I felt here was not acting as desperate should I feel another friendship slipping away, be more careful, and not put all my happiness and social needs on one person (yet, for this, I feel like I might not have a choice, considering it's rare for me to even find ONE real friend). I handled a lot of things well that others might not have, such as my romantic feelings, I never blamed her for them and I'd say I was pretty mature in that aspect. But, the results are what matter right? I could go on for hours saying how things weren't reaaaally my fault, yet... that doesn't change all the people who got hurt because of me, and it doesn't fix the damage I did to myself.

I don't know. I gotta look forward I guess. But thank you, really, thank you for your perspective, it means a lot that you took the time.

fresia it, I'm just going to be 100% honest here, just say everything. None of you will care anyway, I doubt I'll even get a response, I'm just so **** worthless to everyone

. . .


I tried reaching out online more, but same thing there. People who were emotionally manipulative, wanted to use me as a means to vent their frustration, but instantly tried to change the topic when I wanted to talk about MY problems. I even had a girl who somehow got this weird sexual obsession with me, and started emotionally blackmailing me when I didn't go along with it, saying honeysuckle like "I missed you... not like you care", even though we hardly even knew each other.

What you say up there about members of the forum is pretty much what the girl was doing to you. But... I think you should take care of yourself. If you don't care about you, no one else will. In a general sense. Take care of yourself because you're the only one who will. At the end of the day, you've got yourself and have to live with yourself.

I'm sorry, but I'm not sure what you meant. Do you mean that I was acting like those members to her, or that she was doing the same thing as them? Also, just a side note, none of those people were from this forum, just to be clear. In any case, the one thing I will say is that I legitimately helped this girl through hell, and vice versa. It wasn't just me whining to her all the time, or her to me, it was 50/50. The people I was referring to who I left didn't give a rat's ass about me, and some of them pretty much admitted they were testing me and using me, despite knowing the emotional state I was in, so the situations aren't really comparable. Not that it takes away my blame, in either situation, and I don't know if I was right or wrong for cutting contact with all those people, but the fact is I need to be selective with the people I reach out in the state I am now.

 

[kamya]

I can relate to a few parts of this very well.

The depression part at the beginning I'll never had good advice for. One day you just start picking up the pieces and taking care of yourself again. Or at least that's how it seems to go.

You are focused a lot on the relationship part of life. What else are you wanting to get out of life? Goals or experiences or things you want to do? Perhaps it would help to focus on those other things for a while?

I'm honeysuckle at this kind of thing and I don't have time atm to make a super proper reply. But anyways, I can relate too a lot of this still. The thought process and reasoning and inner dialogues. It's ok though really. You aren't that bad. You'll figure it out.

 

[SofiasMami]

Hey MentatsGhoul,
I'm late to the thread but wanted to respond. You kind of sneaked in a mention in the middle of your post that you tried to commit suicide, it sounds like it was recently. Frankly, you sound deeply depressed.
What about going back to your parents and pestering them until they find you a therapist? Would that be possible? The squeaky wheel gets the grease. I think talking to someone might help. But the sad irony of depression is that it often impinges on our ability and motivation to get out of bed in the morning, much less locate a therapist and make an appointment.
Keep us updated on how you're doing - it might seem like no one is listening but there are people out there who are listening.

-Teresa

 

[ardour]

There's no reason for anyone to think you could be attracted to men/transmen. This is nobody's fault.

Re-iterating what someone else said, you seem almost obsessively focused on what others think. That's not very good for you right now.

I have almost no good memories of people in my late teens/early twenties. Most people seemed shallow, their friendships too.

 

[VanillaCreme]

fresia it, I'm just going to be 100% honest here, just say everything. None of you will care anyway, I doubt I'll even get a response, I'm just so **** worthless to everyone

. . .


I tried reaching out online more, but same thing there. People who were emotionally manipulative, wanted to use me as a means to vent their frustration, but instantly tried to change the topic when I wanted to talk about MY problems. I even had a girl who somehow got this weird sexual obsession with me, and started emotionally blackmailing me when I didn't go along with it, saying honeysuckle like "I missed you... not like you care", even though we hardly even knew each other.

What you say up there about members of the forum is pretty much what the girl was doing to you. But... I think you should take care of yourself. If you don't care about you, no one else will. In a general sense. Take care of yourself because you're the only one who will. At the end of the day, you've got yourself and have to live with yourself.

I'm sorry, but I'm not sure what you meant. Do you mean that I was acting like those members to her, or that she was doing the same thing as them? Also, just a side note, none of those people were from this forum, just to be clear. In any case, the one thing I will say is that I legitimately helped this girl through hell, and vice versa. It wasn't just me whining to her all the time, or her to me, it was 50/50. The people I was referring to who I left didn't give a rat's ass about me, and some of them pretty much admitted they were testing me and using me, despite knowing the emotional state I was in, so the situations aren't really comparable. Not that it takes away my blame, in either situation, and I don't know if I was right or wrong for cutting contact with all those people, but the fact is I need to be selective with the people I reach out in the state I am now.

She said that you wouldn't care, without even knowing if you really would. You say that we wouldn't care, without knowing if we really would.

 

[MentatsGhoul]

I can relate to a few parts of this very well.

The depression part at the beginning I'll never had good advice for. One day you just start picking up the pieces and taking care of yourself again. Or at least that's how it seems to go.

You are focused a lot on the relationship part of life. What else are you wanting to get out of life? Goals or experiences or things you want to do? Perhaps it would help to focus on those other things for a while?

I'm honeysuckle at this kind of thing and I don't have time atm to make a super proper reply. But anyways, I can relate too a lot of this still. The thought process and reasoning and inner dialogues. It's ok though really. You aren't that bad. You'll figure it out.

Thanks man. I do have other goals, mostly wanting to learn acting, trying to get better grades at university, finish my driver's licence etc.

I think, the main issue with this is, ultimately as people, we have social needs. I mean, there's literally studies out there that show people with weak social circles have worse health, live shorter lives etc. And this isn't some short term issue for me. The last close "real life" friendship I had was when I was 14. Since then, it's just been people I hung out with at lunch break back in high school and online friends. It's hard to focus on bettering yourself, reaching your goals or however else you wanna put it when one of your core needs as a human being is not being met at the same time.

Hey MentatsGhoul,
I'm late to the thread but wanted to respond. You kind of sneaked in a mention in the middle of your post that you tried to commit suicide, it sounds like it was recently. Frankly, you sound deeply depressed.
What about going back to your parents and pestering them until they find you a therapist? Would that be possible? The squeaky wheel gets the grease. I think talking to someone might help. But the sad irony of depression is that it often impinges on our ability and motivation to get out of bed in the morning, much less locate a therapist and make an appointment.
Keep us updated on how you're doing - it might seem like no one is listening but there are people out there who are listening.

-Teresa

I am definitely going to try and convince them to help me get to therapy. My mom was helping me out for a while, but she just didn't seem satisfied with a single therapist she found back in our home country so she just let the whole thing slide. Now that I'm done with university, I can do most of it myself I suppose, but I'll still need them to drive me there etc, so they'll need to be involved at some level.

There's no reason for anyone to think you could be attracted to men/transmen. This is nobody's fault.

Re-iterating what someone else said, you seem almost obsessively focused on what others think. That's not very good for you right now.

I have almost no good memories of people in my late teens/early twenties. Most people seemed shallow, their friendships too.

I guess. It's just not something you ever imagine having to go through, especially considering I've never had any real struggles with my gender or sexuality personally myself

I guess, apart from what I said in my response to kamya, I'd also like to say that what I post on this forum isn't necessarily the be all and end all of my feelings. If anything, these past few months I've had an extreme focus on taking things easy, focusing on my goals and having a more positive outlook on life, with some success. But these things just get in the way of that a lot, so I had to get them out, especially since I've had a lot of setbacks this past week or so.

She said that you wouldn't care, without even knowing if you really would. You say that we wouldn't care, without knowing if we really would.

Ah, sorry, I completely misunderstood in that case. I thought you were talking about my former long term friend, not that one girl.

But no, she was kinda right, I didn't really care. I hadn't done anything to her, plus she was having relations with other guys and we hardly knew each other, not to mention we had nothing in common, and she even told me several times to stop making jokes because she found my sense of humour "confusing". Her attempt at guilt tripping me didn't really work, because I just didn't really feel like I had anything to feel guilty for in that situation.

But yeah, I didn't expect anyone to take their time and read through this novel of a thread I posted. I really do appreciate it.

 

[handheart]

Dear friend people nan give you some advices but you must be yourself who wants to help herself .You cannot expect that someone will come to you and will give you a lambourhhini 1 milion dolar and 10 chicks