Fearful Avoidant Attachment style........

[michael2]

So I met this girl online. She was instantly all over me. She said she loved talking to me and was so happy we met.

Now just a few days later I can already feel her drawing away.



How is someone like me not suppose to have fearful avoidant attachment style when Im constantly being dumped for seemingly no reason at all?

I want to tell these women, hey, if you lose interest in me, just let me know and we can go our separate ways. Please don't just slowly fade away or ghost. That's happened to me so much it's literally killing me. But I can't say anything because if I do I come off as insecure and desperate.

I hate having this mental illness. Obviously caused by extreme emotional abuse I endured as a child.

 

[TropicalStarfish]

Recognition is probably the first step; you can't solve a problem you don't know is there.

After that, I suppose you do what you can to resolve the problem.

Move beyond the limitations of set definitions and past experiences. A rock is a rock. Just because a rock sat on a shelf for 8 years, doesn't make it, 'rock that sat on shelf for 8 years.' It's a rock.

A jar with peanut butter in it, is a peanut butter jar; but, that doesn't mean you can't fill it with ceiling wax and strings and other fancy stuff, after the peanut butter is gone, and the label has outlived it's usefulness.

I don't see any problem with saying, "Look, if you feel this isn't working out at some point, just let me know, and I'll be on my way." At the worst, it probably won't be anymore effective at keeping some one around than what you are doing now. Most people aren't that forward however; for better or worse.

 

[okidoke]

Have you ever considered that women like her are talking to several men at once and fade away because they’re hitting it off better with someone else? Men do that too. They hedge their bets with multiple connections simultaneously.

 

[TheRealCallie]

Perhaps she's not actually losing interest and drawing away. Could you be imagining it because "that's how it usually goes"? Or maybe she isn't feeling like you are interested, so that's making her pull back.

Ask her, what's the worst that could happen?

 

[Unsigned]

that doesn't mean you can't fill it with ceiling wax

I think it's "sealing wax".
And TBH, other than this comment the only two places I can recall hearing about it are from Louis Carrol's The Walrus and the Carpenter
and the Rolling Stones 19th Nervous Breakdown.

As to the OP's "fearful avoidant" issues, I had it for a long time as well, and for the same reasons as him (bad childhood & teen years).
I'm pretty much over it now, but I think that's just because the older I get the more inhibitions I lose -- and that may only be due to the long term effects of alcohol abuse.
Anyhow, I wish I was more like this when I was young (except for the alcohol part).
And it's really too late for me to find anyone now, given my admittedly very unrealistic parameters.

I'm not sure how a younger person can break this mental block.
Too bad they don't have a several month boot camp for "shyness", avoidance problems, and other issues. I think that might actually work.

 

[ardour]

Have you ever considered that women like her are talking to several men at once and fade away because they’re hitting it off better with someone else? Men do that too. They hedge their bets with multiple connections simultaneously.

This. Hate to rub it in OP but you're probably one of several on her rolodex of men. Less reason to take it personally, at least.

 

[TropicalStarfish]

I think it's "sealing wax".
And TBH, other than this comment the only two places I can recall hearing about it are from Louis Carrol's The Walrus and the Carpenter
and the Rolling Stones 19th Nervous Breakdown.

As to the OP's "fearful avoidant" issues, I had it for a long time as well, and for the same reasons as him (bad childhood & teen years).
I'm pretty much over it now, but I think that's just because the older I get the more inhibitions I lose -- and that may only be due to the long term effects of alcohol abuse.
Anyhow, I wish I was more like this when I was young (except for the alcohol part).
And it's really too late for me to find anyone now, given my admittedly very unrealistic parameters.

I'm not sure how a younger person can break this mental block.
Too bad they don't have a several month boot camp for "shyness", avoidance problems, and other issues. I think that might actually work.

Sealing wax... only took me 30ish years to learn that... wow.. I was thinking from the song, "Puff The Magic Dragon..."

 

[user 190541]

This. Hate to rub it in OP but you're probably one of several on her rolodex of men. Less reason to take it personally, at least.

Once a girl I met through dating apps showed me the text messages she received from other men. Dozens of them, even people from foreign countries, with whom she talked with the aid of an automatic translator. She gave her phone to me and said "you are now me, do whatever you want". One of those guys was from Iran. I thought it would be funny to discuss the geopolitics of Iran while pretending to be a woman, so I went for that, to no avail, because the Iranian was hellbent on seducing me. After some time she probably saw it was a bad idea to begin with and took her phone back from me.

 

[ardour]

Once a girl I met through dating apps showed me the text messages she received from other men. Dozens of them, even people from foreign countries, with whom she talked with the aid of an automatic translator. She gave her phone to me and said "you are now me, do whatever you want". One of those guys was from Iran. I thought it would be funny to discuss the geopolitics of Iran while pretending to be a woman, so I went for that, to no avail, because the Iranian was hellbent on seducing me. After some time she probably saw it was a bad idea to begin with and took her phone back from me.

Men are least partially to blame for the indiscriminate way they approach it online.

 

[SquareBin]

Once a girl I met through dating apps showed me the text messages she received from other men. Dozens of them, even people from foreign countries, with whom she talked with the aid of an automatic translator. She gave her phone to me and said "you are now me, do whatever you want". One of those guys was from Iran. I thought it would be funny to discuss the geopolitics of Iran while pretending to be a woman, so I went for that, to no avail, because the Iranian was hellbent on seducing me. After some time she probably saw it was a bad idea to begin with and took her phone back from me.

Damn... that mist have been a weird convo trying from the girl side 0_0

 

[SherryGee]

Going through very similar at the moment.. it is so confusing and depressing.

 

[michael2]

I don't see any problem with saying, "Look, if you feel this isn't working out at some point, just let me know, and I'll be on my way." At the worst, it probably won't be anymore effective at keeping some one around than what you are doing now. Most people aren't that forward however; for better or worse.

Well, I actually told her everything. I'm sure most people would consider this oversharing, especially so early, but I got it off my chest. I told her straight up I have fearful avoidant attachment style. Turns out she's studying to be a therapist and she knew what that was. She told me to seek professional help and seemed a bit upset that I kind of brushed off that idea. I brushed it off because I don't see how professional help will do me any good. I don't want to be put on medication that could possibly alter my mind permanently or make me behave like a different person.

We had a pretty deep conversation about it and other situations from both our lives. She took it way better then I thought she would. I guess it was an example of if someone really likes you, they'll make an attempt to understand and help you, instead of bailing at the first sign your not a perfect person.

Perhaps she's not actually losing interest and drawing away. Could you be imagining it because "that's how it usually goes"? Or maybe she isn't feeling like you are interested, so that's making her pull back.

Ask her, what's the worst that could happen?

I definitely was imagining her pulling away. She definitely knows Im interested, we've talked about it

Have you ever considered that women like her are talking to several men at once and fade away because they’re hitting it off better with someone else? Men do that too. They hedge their bets with multiple connections simultaneously.

This. Hate to rub it in OP but you're probably one of several on her rolodex of men. Less reason to take it personally, at least.

We both asked eachother if this was the case (she asked me first thankfully). We both said this wasnt the case

Going through very similar at the moment.. it is so confusing and depressing.

I'm so sorry. Apparently fading away or ghosting people is very common nowadays. I don't get it.

 

[TropicalStarfish]

Well, I actually told her everything. I'm sure most people would consider this oversharing, especially so early, but I got it off my chest. I told her straight up I have fearful avoidant attachment style. Turns out she's studying to be a therapist and she knew what that was. She told me to seek professional help and seemed a bit upset that I kind of brushed off that idea. I brushed it off because I don't see how professional help will do me any good. I don't want to be put on medication that could possibly alter my mind permanently or make me behave like a different person.

We had a pretty deep conversation about it and other situations from both our lives. She took it way better then I thought she would. I guess it was an example of if someone really likes you, they'll make an attempt to understand and help you, instead of bailing at the first sign your not a perfect person.

If she's studying to become a therapist, ask her if she's read any Thomas Szasz.

Didn't Han Solo have a sort of fearful avoidant behavior pattern in Star Wars, that he overcame eventually? Psychology has it's place, but, people misplace it a lot.

 

[SherryGee]

I'm so sorry. Apparently fading away or ghosting people is very common nowadays. I don't get it.

I don't get it either.
Few years ago, I was speaking to guy I was with again for a while, thought we have a chance again then he was fading away when he met his girlfriend (I didn't know why at the time). I rather he told me that he met someone else than me finding out on Facebook.

 

[TheRealCallie]

She told me to seek professional help and seemed a bit upset that I kind of brushed off that idea. I brushed it off because I don't see how professional help will do me any good. I don't want to be put on medication that could possibly alter my mind permanently or make me behave like a different person

You wouldn't necessarily need meds to help you. There are other avenues you could go down when getting help. There are also supplements you could try that don't have the same effects as prescription meds.
Therapy only helps you when you are open to it though.

I definitely was imagining her pulling away. She definitely knows Im interested, we've talked about it

See guys, perspective and attitude is everything. Seeing something one way doesn't mean that's definitely the way it is.

 

[SquareBin]

I don't get it either.
Few years ago, I was speaking to guy I was with again for a while, thought we have a chance again then he was fading away when he met his girlfriend (I didn't know why at the time). I rather he told me that he met someone else than me finding out on Facebook.

sorry about that

happens all the time sadly. We're not as connected as we might think we are in today's world...

 

[SherryGee]

sorry about that

happens all the time sadly. We're not as connected as we might think we are in today's world...

I know no wonder we are feeling more lonely than ever