Finding my confidence again

[cheaptrickfan]

It's kind of amazing how events in your life can seem to change things completely. I've had a really bad, um, almost decade since my son died. Since that point, my marriage disintegrated, I've battled serious depression, lost a job and been thrown into a mid-life meltdown.

Now I wonder if it's all damaged me to the point of my never being able to be in a relationship again. Being thrust back onto the dating nightmare again after so long with one person has been an eye-opening disappointment.

The more time I spend alone, the more it seems inevitable to me that I will be alone for the rest of my life. I question myself more, and I come to believe more that I am wrong somehow, that my marriage was a fluke, that I am just unable to be a part of a "normal" loving relationship.

How in the hell do I break this destructive cycle of self-doubt?

I never used to be awkward with people. People used to comment on and compliment me on my poise and outgoing manner; now I feel almost alien, and unable to connect with people. Did the past 8 years break me somehow?

Can people recover from these awful, life-changing events or is this "new me" what I'm stuck with?

For some reason it's really got me down today.

 

[Naval_Fluff]

I think mostly anyone can recover from alot of things. I was homeschooled for 8 years of my life, then I was thrust back into public school. Of course, for the first few days, it was wierd, but soon enough I made friends and I turned out to be the loudest of them all

 

[Papabear]

The problem with relationship advice is that there is no secret easy way to do things, it typically requires a head on conflict with the problem.

In my opinion, the best thing for you to do is to get out there and start dating. Try to meet new people, ask people out, etc. etc.

You might not enjoy it, or you might love it. You have to be the one to break the cycle, find whatever it is in yourself that you need to push you out the door.

 

[cheaptrickfan]

I think mostly anyone can recover from alot of things. I was homeschooled for 8 years of my life, then I was thrust back into public school.

If only it were that easy.

I feel fundamentally different from the person I was in my 20's. Some change is a given I think, as we age and gain experience, but it feels as though my personality, my essence has been changed. I date it from the time I buried my son.

I know it may sound melodramatic, but believe me when I say that seeing your child in a coffin is indescribable. It changed everything, like it took my world and shifted it 1/8 of an inch off axis and I've been off-kilter ever since. I've talked to other parents who've been through this and they all have said that, like me, they date their lives as Before-Loss and After-Loss because it makes a solid line demarcating their two lives.

I miss the person I used to be, but with each year passing, it seems unlikely that I will get a glimpse of her anymore. I just feel kind of broken. My husband was supposed to be with me through it all. We were supposed to rely on each other, but what did the ******* do? He bailed. He bailed on me with a home-wrecking whore. He was hurtful about it too, saying some pretty awful things.

 

[cheaptrickfan]

In my opinion, the best thing for you to do is to get out there and start dating. Try to meet new people, ask people out, etc. etc.

You might not enjoy it, or you might love it. You have to be the one to break the cycle, find whatever it is in yourself that you need to push you out the door.

I've been on-again-off-again with the dating thing over the past 3 years, and it's been pretty bad, actually.

Most of the men my age (40, hello!) seem to want a woman who is 10 years younger, but who looks 20 years younger. They prefer someone without any "drama," ie, no previous marriage, depression, pyscho-stalker ex-bfs etc. The there is that delicate trick of weeding out the guys who are just after a quick bit of tail. Naturally they aren't honest about it because if a guy said on his profile or when you first meet, "Hi, I'm Steve, a pretty shallow ******* who'd really rather just take you home and screw you a few times before losing your number," he'd never get to that dreaded first date coffee date.

Um, yeah.


If you think you detect a bit of bitterness there, you'd be right.

Argh, sorry. I can't detach myself from this enough to be objective right now, because things are sucky.

 

[Naval_Fluff]

If only it were that easy.

I date it from the time I buried my son.

Oh...Um...I'm really sorry to hear that. I didn't realise that you had gone through something like that

 

[cheaptrickfan]

If only it were that easy.

I date it from the time I buried my son.

Oh...Um...I'm really sorry to hear that. I didn't realise that you had gone through something like that

That's ok. It's not something that you really ever imagine happening to you or even those close to you. It's a "someone else's problem" sort of thing.

Oddly enough, I found out who my true friends were after that happened. It's weird, but I lost some friends, maybe because they didn't know how to react, or to talk to me. Tremendous loss is a very difficult topic. I think that people are stymied by just not knowing what to do to try to help and sometimes end up just fading away because it's easiest. On the other hand, some of the people who stood by me were people I'd never have imagined would be there.

It just goes to show, you never really know how people (even ourselves) will react to things.

 

[Naval_Fluff]

You know what they say. All your "Friends" will ride with you in the limo, but your real friends will ride with you in the cab once the limo breaks down. I know what you're talking about with the "someone else's problem" I spent a month between juvy and a psych hospital..not exactly something I expected to happen...I think leaving someone in a time of loss would be horrible..just when you need someone most they dissapear..

 

[cheaptrickfan]

You know what they say. All your "Friends" will ride with you in the limo, but your real friends will ride with you in the cab once the limo breaks down.

My friends say that your friends go out drinking with you, but your real friends are the ones holding your hair when you're bowing before the porcelain god. lol

I know what you're talking about with the "someone else's problem" I spent a month between juvy and a psych hospital..not exactly something I expected to happen...I think leaving someone in a time of loss would be horrible..just when you need someone most they dissapear..

I think that's why the my marriage dissolving like it did was like another blow. All the damned therapists said that that could be a healing time which could bring us closer together. What they neglected to say was that we were in just as much danger of killing the relationship as we grieved separately.

I'm sorry for your own trials. We never really expect these things to happen, do we?

 

[Naval_Fluff]

lol I don't think anyone wakes up and says "Hey, I wanna go **** up my life today."

 

[cheaptrickfan]

lol I don't think anyone wakes up and says "Hey, I wanna go **** up my life today."

Well, no.

In my case specifically, I didn't actually do anything to **** it up. I was a bystander, caught in a ******-up storm. I suppose someone could argue that the way I reacted to the situation was my fault, but I was doing the best I could to get through the days.

Either way, it blows.

 

[Lonesome Crow]

lol I don't think anyone wakes up and says "Hey, I wanna go **** up my life today."

Errr..if you're me , you do.


I was in a relationship that lasted 12 years.
Looking at another woman's **** and *** felt like a fucken sin to me.

hahhahaha...fucken IOstorm is my ex-gf handle. Miss fucken snowwhite...I mean crazy *****.
Irrepiable damages some people say I was.

I guess you can't start off on top....
I'll have to **** my way up from the bottom. Maybe If I get lucky in the process..true love might find me.
I ma keep it simple for a while...**** and ***..**** and ***..**** and ***.
Love ***** up everything...lmao

 

[cheaptrickfan]

lol I don't think anyone wakes up and says "Hey, I wanna go **** up my life today."

Errr..if you're me , you do.


I was in a relationship that lasted 12 years.
Looking at another woman's **** and *** felt like a fucken sin to me.

hahhahaha...fucken IOstorm is my ex-gf handle. Miss fucken snowwhite...I mean crazy *****.
Irrepiable damages some people say I was.

I guess you can't start off on top....
I'll have to **** my way up from the bottom. Maybe If I get lucky in the process..true love might find me.
I ma keep it simple for a while...**** and ***..**** and ***..**** and ***.
Love ***** up everything...lmao

Oh boy. Lots of issues there. :O

Love or loss of it can **** everything up. Now, I just assume that everything nice my husband ever told me was a lie because it all ended so spectacularly badly with his rotten lying. I suppose that I could just start assuming that all men are lying ********, but I am trying not to.

 

[Lonesome Crow]

Oh boy. Lots of issues there. :O

Love or loss of it can **** everything up. Now, I just assume that everything nice my husband ever told me was a lie because it all ended so spectacularly badly with his rotten lying. I suppose that I could just start assuming that all men are lying ********, but I am trying not to.

Okay....Just for today.

You're not a pyscho *****.
I'm not a lying *******.

 

[cheaptrickfan]

Okay....Just for today.

You're not a pyscho *****.
I'm not a lying *******.

Do we have to pinky-swear or spit and shake on that?

 

[Lonesome Crow]

Okay....Just for today.

You're not a pyscho *****.
I'm not a lying *******.

Do we have to pinky-swear or spit and shake on that?

mmmm... Pinky-Swear is forever. It's a commitment of 2 souls.
Are you sure you're ready ???

 

[cheaptrickfan]

mmmm... Pinky-Swear is forever. It's a commitment of 2 souls.
Are you sure you're ready ???

I know, pinky swears are serious business. lol