Fitting In

[tehdreamer]

As juvenile as it sounds, it still bugs me sometimes when I can't fit in. Particularly when I meet a group of people who seem really nice but I just can't seem to get myself into that group. Not that anyone in the group is being mean or standoffish. They are inviting, but they're all on a wave length that I can't quite get on. I usually find myself sitting off to the side, watching them converse, and feeling like I really don't belong. This has happened to me both online and offline.

I don't feel bad about the group or about myself really. I just feel extremely lonely. Like I haven't quite found my place in life yet.

Anyone else felt the same before?

 

[Badjedidude]

Well.. sometimes it takes a while to become a "part of the group." So I don't think you should let it bother you when you've only been around the group for a short while. But after a few months...? Then maybe it's time to look around for a new group of people to hang with.

But to answer your question, yes, I have felt like that before, several times. And no matter how hard I tried or didn't try, I never quite got into that blessed inner circle of the group. Yeah, it ******* hurt when I realized that I was just not going to fit in... but also, I do my best to understand that I'm not going to fit in everywhere. That's natural.

So all I can do is keep searching for groups that I DO fit into, people that WILL accept me and listen to me.

So here's to searching for homies! *raises grape juice bottle*

 

[JamaisVu]

Yep, I know exactly what you mean. It really is like other people are on a different wavelength. I think there's still hope that we'll find our place in life, and find likeminded people, but we'll have to look a little harder I guess. There's got to be some people we'll click with eventually.

 

[tehdreamer]

I know that breaking into a new group takes time. I always put in the time and effort to get accepted. Getting accepted is tough, but seems way easier than feeling a part of the group. After time, everyone's like "Hey, you're one of us now!" and I can't help but think "Am I really? Do I even belong here?" and things just feel off. Like the nerd trying to hang with the jocks or something.

 

[Yukhi]

I like your avatar tehdreamer

There are also people who you can just talk to one on one. You don't necessarily have to hang out in a group. Before that is what I wanted because it was all about seeking for attention and belonging in a group, a clique, a club, a circle of friendship, a second family but I learned to appreciate the people that came my way and I started to appreciate the fact that I was finally maturing and gaining friends.

tehdreamer, don't look at yourself like you're that "nerd" you just said. Don't stereotype yourself into someone that can't belong anywhere. Open yourself up to those people and you'll find that you do really belong. You ARE a human being and you ARE just as good as them Once you still get that feeling, just try hanging out with them some more. The feeling might go away.

 

[edgecrusher]

dreamer... for the most part you just described how ive been my whole life. i know exactly how you feel.

 

[EveWasFramed]

No one should ever be "required" to change to fit in, but if it's a group of people that are different from you, it's a good idea to be a bit more socially adaptable, so to speak. This isn't really aimed at the OP by the way, but more of a random thought I suppose.
*shrugs* If you can't find anyone like YOU, and want to have friends or socialize, doesn't it make sense that you'd need to share some common interests with those you want to befriend? It's a subject I'm always slightly torn on. Yes, you should be accepted for who you are, but why should someone else have to accept you? Don't people tend to gravitate toward people who are similar? I know there are plenty of exceptions, but don't all of us sort of look for things in potential friends that we like, or are familiar with or similarities? It's a rather gray area for me. I was once told that it was surprising, how I got along with people who had vastly different lifestyles. I found the statement fairly odd until I examined it more closely. When I meet someone, sure, I accept them for who they are, but continued interaction with that person will depend on whether or not I find them similar enough to me, or at least interesting enough (in their differences) to make me want to interact with them again. That doesn't mean I discount someone, as a person or a friend, but I think most of us will admit that we do gravitate towards people that we are comfortable with. I don't even know if this is coming across like I'm trying to say it.
*shrugs* Either others like you, or they dont. And if it's because of how you act or dont act, well then there's only one way to change that, isnt there? No, you shouldn't have to change who you are, but neither does anyone else have to like you (or dislike you) for who you are either. So, we can either keep waiting, until we find a person (or people) we mesh with, or we can make changes to "fit in."
There's NOTHING wrong with either of those. It's fine to not change to suit anyone else, just as it's fine to try and fit in with others, IMO at least.

 

[Minus]

dreamer... for the most part you just described how ive been my whole life. i know exactly how you feel.

Yup sounds pretty familiar.

 

[tehdreamer]

This isn't exactly about changing to fit in or not fitting in based on what others say. To the group, I fit in just fine. I just don't feel it.

Like the most recent group I've been trying to squeeze in; Everyone has vastly different personalities, but we all have a lot in common. So conversation comes easy and everyone gets along. But I just don't feel it's quite my place to be around them. I can't quite mesh there as much as everyone wants me to. I'm not sure why. It just feels like they have this certain vibe I can't get with.

I do better with individual people. But people have other friends and then everyone wants to get together and it soon becomes a group thing and I'm feeling oddball out again.


Oh, and thanks, Yuhki. It's one of my favorite paintings from here: http://www.selinafenech.com/

 

[echo]

That site, what pretty art, thank you for the link!

I was alone the first couple of years in high school and then I was in a group but nobody talked to me directly, I was simply just there, like a ghost. My group of "friends" were very loud, a little hyper, very talkative and humorous but I never really did anything with them, I never talked at all. Sometimes I would leave for days or a few weeks but when I'd returned they would greet me excitedly but that's it, nobody would even ask how my day was. When I ended up alone with one person of the group, even if I tried my hardest to make conversation they would just turn around and literally act like I wasn't even there! Or they would just leave or outright say,"I don't want to be stuck with her".

Hopefully I can start college soon, I'm hoping that I might be able to meet new people but I doubt it, even if I meet new people I doubt I'll make any friends because I have never met anyone in real life yet who i have things in common with, all the people I've met in real life just don't have the same interests as me and it's hard because my interests are really weird! People always seem to just want light chat, to talk about simple things but I'm not like that, I always want to talk about somewhat deep things and I guess people find that annoying. I don't know.

 

[csmswhs]

i'm not a group person either, and have never fit into any one group that i know of.

good luck

 

[Knight]

That site, what pretty art, thank you for the link!

I was alone the first couple of years in high school and then I was in a group but nobody talked to me directly, I was simply just there, like a ghost. My group of "friends" were very loud, a little hyper, very talkative and humorous but I never really did anything with them, I never talked at all. Sometimes I would leave for days or a few weeks but when I'd returned they would greet me excitedly but that's it, nobody would even ask how my day was. When I ended up alone with one person of the group, even if I tried my hardest to make conversation they would just turn around and literally act like I wasn't even there! Or they would just leave or outright say,"I don't want to be stuck with her".

Hopefully I can start college soon, I'm hoping that I might be able to meet new people but I doubt it, even if I meet new people I doubt I'll make any friends because I have never met anyone in real life yet who i have things in common with, all the people I've met in real life just don't have the same interests as me and it's hard because my interests are really weird! People always seem to just want light chat, to talk about simple things but I'm not like that, I always want to talk about somewhat deep things and I guess people find that annoying. I don't know.

"People always seem to just want light chat, to talk about simple things but I'm not like that, I always want to talk about somewhat deep things and I guess people find that annoying. I don't know."

I'm no t into "light chat" either, I tend to find it repetitive and somewhat annoying. I also always want to talk about deep things but nobody ever does, because they don't find interest in it, because it's boring to them or they're a simple person. When I talk about deep things sometimes it's over their heads and they don't understand and/or they don't want to understand something that is so complex that it might actually spark something inside them to thing about the bigger and deeper subjects in life.

 

[tehdreamer]

I suck at small talk and I usually have a need to act silly to fill in for my lack of small talkery skills. I don't mind deep talk sometimes, but I do more listening than actually adding to those types of deep conversations. I like to ponder the mysteries of the universe inside my own head rather than speak them out loud.

Deep talk for me usually consists of "Tell me your life's dream and I'll tell you mine!" type of deep. Things that deal with feelings and emotions, past and present. I feel those types of conversations are what helps me get closer to people and helps create a bond.

I'd just like to be able to get along with Person A while they are with their friends and not always have to try and drag Person A or Person B away from the group to be able to communicate with them and not feel so out of place. Maybe I'm just not made for groups.

 

[Yukhi]

Maybe I'm just not made for groups.

Hmm..maybe, but that's not a completely bad thing. It's just who you are but I'm understanding that you want to be right?

I have felt the same thing before. Based on my experiences, everytime I'm in my groups of friends, there's always someone who I clash personalities with. Someone who I just can't feel and won't give a damn about me either.

There are lots of time where I just end up listening or just talk with one person. I'm a dreamer kind of person as well. I guess that's just what we dreamers are

 

[tehdreamer]

I guess you're right Yuhki, it's just who I am. I would like to find my "second family" in a group setting, but maybe my second family will be just one or two people who I can be around and not feel like the oddball out.