Frying Pan to the Fire

[Artemus]

There is a risk to all of us to be attracted to exactly what we wish to be free of. It is a syndrome that transcends all things we call logical. Best I can describe it is that a "bird seeks to build the type of nest if was hatched and grew in". Not that we are birds.

The fact is that there is a force, if you will, that is not be limited by space and distance, that attracts us to those who in the end are not what we need, but what we seek to be away from. It is clearly an unconscious force on our decision making. Being aware of this force doesn't seem to help. I've been aware of it for a number of decades, but when this "thing" gets activated, the "in love" hormones kick in and all is a blur for months afterward (at least for me) and then it has been too late to do much about it. 

I first learned about this in a "greet & meet" from a psychologist how worked with children in a juvenile detention center. Seems those that came from a home where one spouse was beaten sought out a partner from a home where a spouse beat the other. She couldn't explain why the children tended to fall in love with the exact type opposite of the type of family that they needed to stay away from--even without a clue of the other's background. It happened for both the beater and the beatee and it occurred repeatedly. It was something this lady was studying for her PhD.

All that psychobabble aside, I've fallen for the same personality as my Mother 2 times in marriage. In my case, that is NOT good and it is the exact opposite of the women I've chosen to date/live with for long periods but did not marry. 

As an educated male who has a lot of life experience, an independent woman who is self-sustaining fits best for me, and while I enjoy their company and I love spending time with them as well as getting into lively debate from which we both learn a lot--it baffles me that I never marry a woman like this.

Being in the 4th quarter of life as it were, to use a dear departed friend's analogy, I want to meet a few females I can talk to. I'm not interested in more. Just conversation that leaves me feeling better when it if ended than when it began. Intelligent women do not intimidate me (although too much arrogance can be off putting), rather I find them most enjoyable to have conversations with.

Enough said for this post.

 

[MissBehave]

I recognize myself in your words. 
Thanks for sharing them.

 

[Shanta]

There is a risk to all of us to be attracted to exactly what we wish to be free of. It is a syndrome that transcends all things we call logical. Best I can describe it is that a "bird seeks to build the type of nest if was hatched and grew in". Not that we are birds.

The fact is that there is a force, if you will, that is not be limited by space and distance, that attracts us to those who in the end are not what we need, but what we seek to be away from. It is clearly an unconscious force on our decision making. Being aware of this force doesn't seem to help. I've been aware of it for a number of decades, but when this "thing" gets activated, the "in love" hormones kick in and all is a blur for months afterward (at least for me) and then it has been too late to do much about it. 

I first learned about this in a "greet & meet" from a psychologist how worked with children in a juvenile detention center. Seems those that came from a home where one spouse was beaten sought out a partner from a home where a spouse beat the other. She couldn't explain why the children tended to fall in love with the exact type opposite of the type of family that they needed to stay away from--even without a clue of the other's background. It happened for both the beater and the beatee and it occurred repeatedly. It was something this lady was studying for her PhD.

All that psychobabble aside, I've fallen for the same personality as my Mother 2 times in marriage. In my case, that is NOT good and it is the exact opposite of the women I've chosen to date/live with for long periods but did not marry. 

As an educated male who has a lot of life experience, an independent woman who is self-sustaining fits best for me, and while I enjoy their company and I love spending time with them as well as getting into lively debate from which we both learn a lot--it baffles me that I never marry a woman like this.

Being in the 4th quarter of life as it were, to use a dear departed friend's analogy, I want to meet a few females I can talk to. I'm not interested in more. Just conversation that leaves me feeling better when it if ended than when it began. Intelligent women do not intimidate me (although too much arrogance can be off putting), rather I find them most enjoyable to have conversations with.

Enough said for this post.

Much of what you have said is true.  I had an authoritarian father who simply did not like me.  Don't really know why and although I spent years and years trying to figure out why (asking my mother why and so on) I never did figure it out.  Yes, I did hate him a lot.  But I also respected and valued him as a honourable and honest person.  My own success in business has a great deal to do with his work ethic which I understood and followed myself.

Anyway, I got married to a simple and kind man.  I divorced him after a few years.  Why??  Maybe he was too 'nice' for me?  Anyway, I then proceeded to marry someone who mistreated me terribly.  He was very similar to my father, even looked a lot like him.  So very obvious, isn't it?

So now I live by myself and am most of the time very content.  I get lonely only when my ego gets hurt or traumatized (which it has a number of times).  Then I sink into a self-absorption that is so toxic that I can literally feel my mind eating itself inside out. 

Which brings me to why I joined this forum.  The only cure for this self absorption is to relate to someone else.  Like you.

Hope you respond.

 

[askXmeXaboutX2006-7]

My sympathy. I hope you find someone. I hope I don't fall into the trap described at the beginning of the post...