good idea ?

[putter65]

I know a few people, I have them on my facebook and a few on my mobile.

Most of the time I have to initiate contact. I get replies and they are nice enough.

But I think if I left it, if I didn't bother. Would they get in touch ? Are they bothered ?

It's something I ponder quite alot.

So is it a good idea to leave it and see if these people actually get in touch with me for a change ?

 

[Sci-Fi]

No, it's not.

Here's the problem, each day/week that goes by and they don't get in contact with you the more it will fuel your paranoia. It will do nothing to help your self esteem or confidence, it will only wreck it. The fact that they take the time to respond when you send a message should be enough to validate that you exist to them.

 

[Ak5]

Always take initiative.

 

[putter65]

No, it's not.

Here's the problem, each day/week that goes by and they don't get in contact with you the more it will fuel your paranoia. It will do nothing to help your self esteem or confidence, it will only wreck it. The fact that they take the time to respond when you send a message should be enough to validate that you exist to them.

I suppose your right. There was this woman last year. I must have sent her 100 texts, something like that. She replied to some of them. It was always me though sending them and in September I got a bit fed up and I stopped sending them. Over the next 6 months it changed completely. It was her sending them to me. Last week we met up for coffee and she seem genuinely upset that I had stopped sending her texts and paying her attention. I guess she took it for granted I would be the one to 'get in touch' first. It seemed important to her that we were 'okay' with each other.

I just find it nice when people 'think of me' and send me a 'how are you ?' text.

 

[AFrozenSoul]

Cleaning house is always a good thing. I hate always being the one to call or text or email or whatever. I am more than willing to share the load.. but I do not want to do all the work. If they were really my friends they would worry if I stopped talking.

Of course it is as Sci-Fi said... it probably won't help your self-esteem any.

 

[putter65]

Cleaning house is always a good thing. I hate always being the one to call or text or email or whatever. I am more than willing to share the load.. but I do not want to do all the work. If they were really my friends they would worry if I stopped talking.

Of course it is as Sci-Fi said... it probably won't help your self-esteem any.

I would say it's 99% to 1% in favour of me being the one to text first.

When I'm feeling a bit lonely I sometimes send everybody I know a text or message. And then I spend the next couple of days waiting for replies.

 

[Sci-Fi]

That's the problem with those of us and loneliness, we wait...and wait...the longer we have to wait for a reply the worse we get. When I feel lonely that's the last thing I do. I send messages to people when I'm in a better mood, then if they don't reply right away it doesn't bother me as much.

 

[LostInTheSupermarket]

I can relate. A few years ago I got fed up of having to make all the effort with people and decided to make a rule that I would meet them half way and not one step further (some exceptions, obviously, like if someone was going through a really tough time). Guess what? My "friendships" quickly dwindled to almost nothing. And I decided that I'd rather leave it that way than have fake friendships where it was all about them.

But that means you'd have to be prepared to see your contacts go *poof*

You'll have to decide if it's worth it. Sometimes a person would rather be the one to make all the effort and keep others around... it sounds like you'd prefer that seeing you text everyone when you get lonely and then are very hopeful to hear from them. Which is fine.

I guess what I'm trying to say is be careful what you're asking for before you decide to "leave it". Maybe it would cause more anxiety than when you text and wait to hear back from them. My inclination would be to tell you to screw them and "leave it", but that's easy for me to say.

 

[ajdass1]

There are reasons why people don't get in touch with you. Time just flies so fast when you're caught up in doing other things... whether that's studies, self-improvement, career. I'd guess a lot of the people have the same anxieties as you and me. On the other hand, some people really don't care.

Is your need to know for sure stronger than your need to have friends? Especially considering that, even if they don't reply, they might be wondering about you but just assume that you've gotten really busy.

 

[putter65]

There are reasons why people don't get in touch with you. Time just flies so fast when you're caught up in doing other things... whether that's studies, self-improvement, career. I'd guess a lot of the people have the same anxieties as you and me. On the other hand, some people really don't care.

Is your need to know for sure stronger than your need to have friends? Especially considering that, even if they don't reply, they might be wondering about you but just assume that you've gotten really busy.

About 10 years ago I started going to the cinema with this woman. We worked together and neither of us had anybody to go with. She was married so it was just friends. We ended going about 50 times in 7 years. Every single time I would get nervous ringing her up. She always told me to ring her up if there was something decent on. But I would still get nervous. She always said 'yes' to my suggestions. On the day of the planned visit, I would think that she would change her mind and I wouldn't hear from her. Of course she always rang up and arranged the details. When I was stood at the meeting place I would always think she wouldn't turn up.

This went on for 7 years. It never got easier. I never felt more secure about our friendship. I don't see her now. She stopped getting in touch and I was very hurt.

I think with these mobile messages I am going thru the same thing. When I send one and I don't get a reply in 10 minutes or so, I get this feeling of disapointment and the feeling the other person doesn't care about me one bit.

---

I can relate. A few years ago I got fed up of having to make all the effort with people and decided to make a rule that I would meet them half way and not one step further (some exceptions, obviously, like if someone was going through a really tough time). Guess what? My "friendships" quickly dwindled to almost nothing. And I decided that I'd rather leave it that way than have fake friendships where it was all about them.

But that means you'd have to be prepared to see your contacts go *poof*

You'll have to decide if it's worth it. Sometimes a person would rather be the one to make all the effort and keep others around... it sounds like you'd prefer that seeing you text everyone when you get lonely and then are very hopeful to hear from them. Which is fine.

I guess what I'm trying to say is be careful what you're asking for before you decide to "leave it". Maybe it would cause more anxiety than when you text and wait to hear back from them. My inclination would be to tell you to screw them and "leave it", but that's easy for me to say.

what complicates things even more is when I send a message to someone and in their reply they say 'I haven't heard from you for ages' - it's like they are waiting for me to get in touch. I would say all the people on my contact lists do seem to care about me.

 

[Sci-Fi]

I would say all the people on my contact lists do seem to care about me.

Well, there you go then. Why torture yourself.

 

[putter65]

I would say all the people on my contact lists do seem to care about me.

Well, there you go then. Why torture yourself.

Don't know. can't help it.

I don't doubt myself. It's not even people not liking me. It's people forgetting about me. The fear of being ignored.

Daft I know.

 

[Sci-Fi]

Not really.

I do the same thing sometimes. The only time I get messages from people is when it's my birthday (and I've forgotten a few lately, feel crappy about that). I'm usually the one that messages them and they reply back. I don't worry about them not dropping me a hi for a change, they all have lives. Most of my friends are married with children and work. Their lives are full. For them to take the time out of their day to even reply to me means just as much as if they'd say hi how ya doin' instead of me, even though it would be nice. Sometimes it those of us who have a little less on our plate who are responsible for keeping up with each other.