Group Conversations

[Case]

I'm not very talented when it comes to talking in groups. It's not a shyness thing. It's the fact that I don't have the most dominant personality and those who are dominant simply talk when they please and drown me out. For some reason, I find group conversations very hard to navigate because of this. So, I wind up starting to speak and then stopping because someone else is suddenly commanding the attention of the group.

In the chaos of a group dynamic, I never seem to be able to command attention long enough for people to pay attention to me. I always seem to lose the attention to a louder, more entertaining person. I'm not an attention hog, so those whose voices that are louder and faster, and those who are better at dominating a conversation, clearly will drown out guys like me.

I try to never take it personally, but it's annoying enough to lead me to prefer one-on-one meetings. This kind of "you talk/I talk" allows for the kind of conversation that suits me. Usually, I prefer to keep a group down to four or less. Any more than that, and it starts to retain that dynamic where the loudest of the group usually prevails in the conversation.

Have you experienced this inability to hold a group's attention as the louder, faster talkers drown you out? If so, have you found ways to overcome this? What tips for group conversation can you offer? Thanks.

 

[Triple Bogey]

I'm not very talented when it comes to talking in groups. It's not a shyness thing. It's the fact that I don't have the most dominant personality and those who are dominant simply talk when they please and drown me out. For some reason, I find group conversations very hard to navigate because of this. So, I wind up starting to speak and then stopping because someone else is suddenly commanding the attention of the group.

In the chaos of a group dynamic, I never seem to be able to command attention long enough for people to pay attention to me. I always seem to lose the attention to a louder, more entertaining person. I'm not an attention hog, so those whose voices that are louder and faster, and those who are better at dominating a conversation, clearly will drown out guys like me.

I try to never take it personally, but it's annoying enough to lead me to prefer one-on-one meetings. The king of "you talk/I talk" allows for the kind of conversation that suits me. Usually, I prefer to keep a group down to four or less. Any more than that, and it starts to retain that dynamic where the loudest of the group usually prevails in the conversation.

Have you experienced this inability to hold a group's attention as the louder, faster talkers drown you out? If so, have you found ways to overcome this? What tips for group conversation can you offer? Thanks.

I am okay talking to 2 or 3 people. Anymore I go real quiet. Never really solved the problem.

Some people love attention. I don't. I don't ever try and complete with these people.

 

[TheRealCallie]

I'm usually one of the louder ones in groups, unless I'm "hiding." lol

Although, you could always try out the chatroom. If you can make it in there on a busy day, you would probably feel more comfortable in real life group settings.

 

[LonelySutton]

I have the exact same problem. I just joined my condo's board of trustees. There are 6 people at that meeting trying to talk. It almost always seems like a waste of time to even go. I prefer when we do things via e-mail because at least there I will get a vote and not be talked right over. What is depressing is that a condo board actually has a "Chairperson" job but he doesn't do his job. The Chairperson is supposed to make sure the discussion proceeds properly and everyone gets a chance to speak.

When I am at work and we have a group event - like 5 people - I hate the way people just talk ALL THE TIME and never seem slightly concerned that two of the people aren't talking.

I also prefer one on one conversations. I have been forced out in as little as three. I absolutely refuse to fight to talk.

 

[Lowlander]

Whenever I speak in groups, I just wait until no one speaks. Most of the time, we just respect eachother and let eachother speak.

 

[Peaches]

Case, I am just like you - in the last three years or so I have learned to speak up in groups, but I end up yelling (always in the wrong moments, so I seem rude) and seeing myself as much less classy than I was born to be.
At this point, perhaps it's not so bad to be in a corner. If you really want I am sure that you can also talk faster and louder, but the point is: is it worth it?

 

[ladyforsaken]

I'm not very talented when it comes to talking in groups. It's not a shyness thing. It's the fact that I don't have the most dominant personality and those who are dominant simply talk when they please and drown me out. For some reason, I find group conversations very hard to navigate because of this. So, I wind up starting to speak and then stopping because someone else is suddenly commanding the attention of the group.

In the chaos of a group dynamic, I never seem to be able to command attention long enough for people to pay attention to me. I always seem to lose the attention to a louder, more entertaining person. I'm not an attention hog, so those whose voices that are louder and faster, and those who are better at dominating a conversation, clearly will drown out guys like me.

I try to never take it personally, but it's annoying enough to lead me to prefer one-on-one meetings. This kind of "you talk/I talk" allows for the kind of conversation that suits me. Usually, I prefer to keep a group down to four or less. Any more than that, and it starts to retain that dynamic where the loudest of the group usually prevails in the conversation.

Have you experienced this inability to hold a group's attention as the louder, faster talkers drown you out? If so, have you found ways to overcome this? What tips for group conversation can you offer? Thanks.

I tend to just let myself drown in the background when there's more than 2 other people I'm in a conversation with. I don't really know how to um get louder than what I am like lol. I'm just not that sorta person.. I just try to get used to it anyway. :\

Sorry I don't have good advice.. but good luck finding some from other members here.

 

[Tiina63]

Hi Case, I can't offer any real advice either, as the same thing usually happens to me. It can be hard to feel invisible. I think that it is a common issue for those of us with quieter natures. Your preference of bing in small groups of no more than four is a good idea as then everyone will get the chance to speak and to be listened to.

 

[Mr.YellowCat]

Yes I experienced it, and I found no solution. I mostly stray away from bigger gatherings, but of course, that can not be done when wanting to maintain a healthy friendship among group (school groups etc.). Of course this is highly debatable.
But unlike you, its not because of my personality, but because my friends enjoy talking about things I dont really care or know about (cars, gossip mostly).
So one little advice, or a question might be. Are you friends with people who share the same likes as you? The same passion? Because when you talk about something you are passionate about, you may be a bit more fiery.

 

[Case]

Thanks for all the great comments, so far.

Some people love attention. I don't. I don't ever try and complete with these people.

I am also not a seeker of attention. However, in a social situation, it's interesting (from both a social and personal study,) that there are those who control social groups and those who are can't even control a tiny pocket of socialization before it's taken away.

Although, you could always try out the chatroom. If you can make it in there on a busy day, you would probably feel more comfortable in real life group settings.

Maybe one day, but I have found that even these social settings are often controlled by the fastest typists or those who are "the regulars" of the room. Penetrating the cliques of past chat rooms was always a tad frustrating to me in the same way that a party or other social setting could be frustrating at times. I am glad that people enjoy the chatroom here as a place to socialize. It's just not for me at this point.

I absolutely refuse to fight to talk.

I can defintiely relate. Whenever I'm talking and someone else interrupts, I also don't fight it. Usually in the chaos of an open party or social gathering, these things happen, but I do find it interesting that I am more on the side of the ones who lose out to the stronger, louder voices. But it's not loudness that I lack. I have used my voice to silence a room when another person was in the midst of speaking. But it's just not my way to enter a conversation in progress and simply change the subject. If I have ever done that, I usually say, "Excuse me, but we're all going into the living room now for an announcement." That kind of thing.

Whenever I speak in groups, I just wait until no one speaks. Most of the time, we just respect eachother and let eachother speak.

I think if I did that, there are many instances where I'd never get to talk at all. It wouldn't happen every time, but enough to where it would push me even further into the shadows.

Case, I am just like you - in the last three years or so I have learned to speak up in groups, but I end up yelling (always in the wrong moments, so I seem rude) and seeing myself as much less classy than I was born to be.
At this point, perhaps it's not so bad to be in a corner. If you really want I am sure that you can also talk faster and louder, but the point is: is it worth it?

Yes, Peaches. I also have yelled in order to finish a point because I often see these interruptions as rude. The interrupters may do this out of ignorance, or maybe even out of a good-natured effort to get people to have fun. Either way, I'm not sure it's worth my time to compete with the fast-talkers and the louder voices because that's not who I am. I'm more relaxed in my social encounters, which means I am often eaten up by the schmoozers of the large group gathering.

I don't really know how to um get louder than what I am like lol. I'm just not that sorta person.. I just try to get used to it anyway. :\

LadyF, you sound a lot like how I deal with it. It's like when we're interrupted, you just take a breath and move on. Not much more you can do, I think, because if I got angry or forceful, then I look like a jerk.

I think that it is a common issue for those of us with quieter natures. Your preference of being in small groups of no more than four is a good idea as then everyone will get the chance to speak and to be listened to.

I agree, Tiina. Those of us who are low-key in social settings experience this frequently. And the smaller group dynamic can work for me. I actually enjoy the situations where everyone has their say. In fact, in a smaller group, I try to include people who are even quieter than I am, just to give them the opportunity to contribute if they choose. It's no more than me looking at the quieter person and saying something like, "I'm interested in what you have to say on this." And if they're too shy, I normally apologize, and tell them to chime in at any time if they have something they want to mention.
Thanks for all the great comments, so far.

So one little advice, or a question might be. Are you friends with people who share the same likes as you? The same passion? Because when you talk about something you are passionate about, you may be a bit more fiery.

Hi, MrYellowCat. Well, my friends actually don't do this to me. The settings where this happens are usually social functions at work, large parties where I may know a handful of people but still want to mingle, or other larger settings talking to people I've often only just met, but not always. My own friends are much more accommodating and we all try to give everyone equal time.

 

[Superfly47]

This is why people hang out with those with similar personality types. When the loud, constant talkers have group conversations with their friends they'd be constantly interrupting each other, many speaking at the same time. It can seem crazy for the more introverted types, wondering what's the point if people are always talking and no one seems to be listening.

For parties just leaving the conversations seems like a reasonable option. Other quieter types will instantly get it when you explain why. The very extroverts might find you to be social shy or awkward, but you find them overbearing and won't be hanging out with such opposite personality types much anyways so doesn't really matter.

For work this isn't always a good idea and you can feel you'll need to sometimes be more aggressive than you'd prefer to be.