Growing Apart from friends.

[LonelySutton]

For some time now I have about 4 friends that I am growing apart from. It is particularly painful and hard because I find myself *with* no friends and I feel myself going back to the old friends just because otherwise I have none.

(1) L is a co worker. It used to be that I had a jerk of a boss and she had great ones. But that just recently switched. But, from my point of view, she still doesn't have it hard at all. I have tried to help but she doesn't want my help. Anyway, I am just growing tired of her. When I call her she doesn't pick up... she blames this on her new boss and I know she is suffering but, I can't help but think she is just angry at me because NOW I have a good boss. I keep picking up the phone and getting a tepid response.

(2) S is also a co worker. She used to be part of my work group but she moved on. She still works in my building. We had a falling out last year and I basically told her we weren't friends, but, I later apologized. What I meant by that was not that we would go back to being friends... but now, she keeps trying to be friends.. but in this weird and hard way.. she keeps coming to my office and sucking the energy out of me, but if I call her, she is very tepid. So it is almost like she keeps me in reserve but doesn't really want to be friends. But I still find myself calling her.

(3) J-- again a co worker. She says she wants to go to lunch with me and every time she sees me she comes over and says, lets do lunch. But it has been like 10 months. It is painful at this point. Obviously she doesn't really want to be friends... but why then does she come to see me and say lets do lunch. I mean walk down the other isle and don't stop at my office.

Basically now, when it is a nice day out, there is no one to talk to or go to lunch with.

Last year... L went out for a party after work with all my friends... and posted photos on facebook. I have accepted such things but another friend who wasn't invited was offended and I decided to ask L about it. Well, L went way overboard about how she didn't invite me because she knew I wouldn't go... (well that is true but still, you invite). I just said she should just be careful about posting photos of parties where people aren't invited. I really wasn't all that upset.

But last night I am sitting there and at least 5 mutual friends clearly went to a party last night to celebrate her birthday. I mean... really?

But, there is no one to replace them.

 

[stork_error]

I'ts funny how we seems to go through the same issues at the same time.
I do get the part about not having any mates to hang with. Its summer and there are a lot of nice patios and its such a shame to not be out and enjoying the warm air. but on the flipside, can you really stand the content of the communication with these people?

I know i cant, its far too narcissistic and shallow for me. One yaks on about God, the other one yaks on about dresses and boys. Agggggggg

 

[Tealeaf]

There's nothing quite like a gaping chasm you don't know how to fix.

 

[Tiina63]

I'm sorry you are going through all this. Losing one friend is hard enough but to lose several at once makes it so much harder.
There was one point you made in your paragraph about L though which struck me. You said that from your point of view she 'still doesn't have it hard at all' and I am wondering if, despite your trying to help her, what you are thinking has come through to her and made her feel that you are minimising her problems? Maybe this could be the reason for her anger?

 

[LonelySutton]

I am wondering if, despite your trying to help her, what you are thinking has come through to her and made her feel that you are minimising her problems? Maybe this could be the reason for her anger?

No I never do that because the shoe used to be on the other foot. I even offer to help her and have helped her but she never gives me work. Truth? She is too disorganized to give it to me.

I do think she is jealous of a good boss who lets me "get away with things" but she had that for 10 years and I didn't. I have earned my joy at the situation.

When I did have the bad boss I found myself growing apart from people because I was so angry in general. Could be that.

 

[stork_error]

You said ...still doesn't have it hard at all' ..... made her feel that you are minimizing her problems? .... the reason for her anger?

This is likely. I know i loose my **** when people minimize my problems however....

Unless people have never experienced "serious" pain and suffering from workplace abuse issues they really have no point of reference and thier drama becomes relative. To them its painful and awful because they dont know anything worse.

Think about the slave workers in 3rd world countries, with bosses paying them next to nothing, working 200 hours per day, being sexually harassed. In comparison, they would probably feel that your issues are not that bad.

So yes, its all relative, and it seems likely that your friend has no clue as to the extent of abuse that one can experience in the workplace.

And some people dont have the ability to put these things into perspective. When my dresss obsessed friend had something bad happen to her that was workplace related, i think she truly believed that it was the most awful thing in the world that could ever happen to anyone. What happened to her was actually pretty bad but still cant compare to the years of persecution that i endured.

Funny thing was that when she told me about it, i remember saying.. "you see, you see what people can do, you thought things like this dont happen but you see they do, and none of it is your fault, thier are workplace psychopaths out there and they will set out to destroy anyone who they see as competition, this is what happened to me you see"

And you know what... she actually still thought her issue was worse than mine. It was one ******* incident she had lol.

Was her experience bad? Yes, it was pretty bad, but did it go on for years and years and have a profound effect on her physical and psychological well being? and jade her view of humanity? cause her to consider withdrawing from society? put tears in her eyes every night? have her dealing with lawyers? cause anxiety attacks about going to work? have people turn on her for no reason? leave her with a tarnished reputation? affect her income?..... I think not lol.

Again, this L person likely has no point of reference, and maybe for that reason has no ability to empathize with the gravity of your experience.

Some people are so spoiled that one small slight sends them to the pits of hell. And some people are just not good at empathizing about things they cant relate to.

Anyway, she probably is pissed at you because she feels minimized. You can either choose to be an ear or not. I did choose to be an ear to my friend for awhile, but in retrospect, it really wasn't appreciated and her experience did nothing to enhance her ability to perceive the severity of mine.

I feel better that i let her go. I miss hanging out with her and doing fun things, but I have no tolerance for the type of conversations she offers.

Things will likely stay the same with L. You have to CHOOSE whether you want to be an ear or not and then accept your decision. if you choose to be an ear then do it wholeheartedly and putting aside that she's being a self absorbed ***. If not, accept what is and move on. She will not change and you cannot make her understand that her issues are minimal because to her they are grand.

 

[VanillaCreme]

Last year... L went out for a party after work with all my friends... and posted photos on facebook. I have accepted such things but another friend who wasn't invited was offended and I decided to ask L about it. Well, L went way overboard about how she didn't invite me because she knew I wouldn't go... (well that is true but still, you invite). I just said she should just be careful about posting photos of parties where people aren't invited. I really wasn't all that upset.

But last night I am sitting there and at least 5 mutual friends clearly went to a party last night to celebrate her birthday. I mean... really?

But, there is no one to replace them.

I'm sorry, but if I feel as though someone wouldn't want to go somewhere, I wouldn't bother with inviting them. I'd actually tell them that beforehand. It's not that I'd want to hurt someone's feelings by not including them. It's just that, if you know someone like blue balloons, why give them a green one? You know they're just going to decline and say they would prefer blue.

L should not be careful of posting photos of parties simply because someone was upset they weren't there. She's free to post whatever she likes. It's not her fault that someone who wasn't invited took to being offended. That's not L's problem. That's the other person's problem. No one should have to stunt their fun because someone else decides to huff and puff about it.

Also, a true friend shouldn't be replaceable. If person A isn't inviting or including person B, then perhaps person A doesn't consider person B a true friend. And that's nobody's fault. Not everybody is supposed to be best friends with everyone else.

 

[edamame721]

These are my thoughts:

I'd be very careful about deciding if someone has it tough or not. I had a very bad friend who tended to decide whether my problems were real or not and didn't know what I sacrificed to try to help her. No one tells you everything. L may have more than just a horrible boss to worry about -- an illness, a sick relative, debts, etc. Please be patient with her, as she was with you when you were in a bad situation. Talking to you might remind her of her circumstances and make her feel bad, through no fault of your own. Try not to take it personally and respect her need for space.

As for J, I'd suggest saying yes and planning a place and day to do lunch. If she backs out, then she might be insincere, but it seems like a lot of effort to purposely go to talk to you to invite you out and not follow through. She may be waiting for you to pick up the ball and roll with it. I had a former friend who got mad I didn't make definite plans with her, although I had often asked if she was free and she consistently replied no. She was frustrated with me, even though I was attempting to make plans that fit her schedule. She was also never proactive in making plans with me. So, from my point of view, her anger was entirely illogical.

Have you tried looking for friends outside of work? Like with a hobby? You may not make a close friend right away, but you'll easily find someone who at least shares your passions.

Good luck! I know what's it's like to have distant friendships, but sometimes, misunderstandings happen. The moment you believe someone does something out of malice or vice-versa, then trust is broken and very hard to repair. *hugs*

 

[mickey]

You've said that you keep contacting these people because, without them, there is no one. Consider the possibility that having unsuitable friends and/or unsatisfactory friendships might be worse than having no friends at all. Bad friends and bad friendships drain a person's resources and leave her with maybe not enough resources to find other, good friends and good friendships. Just a thought.

 

[TropicalStarfish]

make new friends but keep the old? one is silver and the other gold? idk...i'm tired...

 

[LonelySutton]

You've said that you keep contacting these people because, without them, there is no one. Consider the possibility that having unsuitable friends and/or unsatisfactory friendships might be worse than having no friends at all.

Oh I have considered it... and adopted it as TRUTH. But then you find yourself calling them because they are your only options. Cause you are lonely. Cause you have something to say and no one to listen to you.

Talking to you might remind her of her circumstances and make her feel bad, through no fault of your own

.

Yes... that could be the case. But, where she legitimately has it easier than me it is hard to listen to her. And also, I think sometimes she doesn't open herself up to actual options out there because she just wants to do things her way and or be the abused person. But when I was being abused I sometimes didn't want to be around people just because I didn't want to spend the entire time complaining. But that doesn't change the reality that we are growing apart.

you'll easily find someone who at least shares your passions

I have no passions. They are beaten out of me by work and commute. But yes, I joined my condo's board of trustees... that didn't work out. Now i might have to move.