Guy with problems with women and jobs has no idea why

[MTrip]

Also, Callie's answer overestimates the human ability of self-improvement. Changing one's flaws is much more doable when one is younger & has more energy. After a certain point in life, the basic parts of one's character have dried & cured, so to speak. Personality is not some infinitely malleable substance that can be reformed from a single will.

I know what my problems are & struggled for years to fix them. These days I just do my best to get things done & get through the days.[/color][/font]

Never said it was easy, but it's not impossible. If someone, no matter what their age, wants to change themselves for the better, they can do so.

It's more than simply knowing what your problems/faults/flaws are. It takes determined and honestly wanting to change. Putting in every ounce of effort you have into it. Many people know what is "wrong" with them, but not many people want to do what it takes to change what's "wrong."

Right. Anyone can do this no matter the variance in age, physical condition, socioeconomic status, etc. If one is a psychotic, then one can cure it with nothing but willpower & determination. If that were the case then modern society would look very different.

This "someone" you speak of is a hypothetical phantasm, not a real person.

There's also the other side of such a position: If anyone can change themselves for the better with enough effort, no matter what, then it follows that any & all problems in your life are your own fault exclusively. You got laid off when your employer downsized? You have a degenerative nerve disease? Well tough ****, buddy. It's your fault & there is no reason anyone should help you, in any & all cases.

 

[TheRealCallie]

Also, Callie's answer overestimates the human ability of self-improvement. Changing one's flaws is much more doable when one is younger & has more energy. After a certain point in life, the basic parts of one's character have dried & cured, so to speak. Personality is not some infinitely malleable substance that can be reformed from a single will.

I know what my problems are & struggled for years to fix them. These days I just do my best to get things done & get through the days.[/color][/font]

Never said it was easy, but it's not impossible. If someone, no matter what their age, wants to change themselves for the better, they can do so.

It's more than simply knowing what your problems/faults/flaws are. It takes determined and honestly wanting to change. Putting in every ounce of effort you have into it. Many people know what is "wrong" with them, but not many people want to do what it takes to change what's "wrong."

Right. Anyone can do this no matter the variance in age, physical condition, socioeconomic status, etc. If one is a psychotic, then one can cure it with nothing but willpower & determination. If that were the case then modern society would look very different.

This "someone" you speak of is a hypothetical phantasm, not a real person.

There's also the other side of such a position: If anyone can change themselves for the better with enough effort, no matter what, then it follows that any & all problems in your life are your own fault exclusively. You got laid off when your employer downsized? You have a degenerative nerve disease? Well tough ****, buddy. It's your fault & there is no reason anyone should help you, in any & all cases.

That "someone" I speak of is NOT a hypothetical person. I know many that have....of ALL ages.
I never said all disorders could be fixed this way, so I don't know why the hell you took it there. I'm talking about faults and flaws of character.
A company downsizing and losing a job is not the end of the world. There are other jobs out there. You may not be able to be in the same field, but you can get another job or even start your own company if you were inclined and had the means.
But as far as stuff that you CAN change, such as character flaws and whatever.....YES, it IS your fault if you don't do something about it. You can't blame someone else if you are depressed. You can't blame someone else if you are lonely. Well, you CAN, but it's not accurate. If you say someone caused you to be alone by alienating everyone around you....well, YOU let them do that.

 

[WildernessWildChild]

nobody is perfect, everybody has flaws

Ahem, I beg to differ, I have mastered being perfectly flawed!

 

[VanillaCreme]

The thing with something like this, though, is that it is not always someone's firm choice to be like this: who exactly says "I WANT to be a selfish person"... it is how it turns out.

It is a very common problem for men with Asperger's or autistic symptoms. It is a problem that falls under either empathy, or "theory of mind" depending how you see it.

At a certain age it is NOT fixable, and therefore such a person has to find a woman who can accept him as he is. I would think plenty of women would tolerate this.

True. Age doesn't mean that change isn't possible, however, when people have been set in their ways for so long, change doesn't seem feasible anyway. My first thought on this post though was that eventually, he'll probably find someone who can tolerate his ideas, thoughts, behavior... It just takes the right person.

 

[Batman55]

True. Age doesn't mean that change isn't possible, however, when people have been set in their ways for so long, change doesn't seem feasible anyway. My first thought on this post though was that eventually, he'll probably find someone who can tolerate his ideas, thoughts, behavior... It just takes the right person.

I think you got what I was saying. As far as "plenty of women would tolerate this".. that's stretching it a bit far on my part, albeit intentionally . Rather it's more like.. he has to hope he can find a woman who can admire other things about him, and at the same time be willing to understand he has that limitation.

---

Women like guys who live with one or both parents. Fact.

Where the hell do you get this supposed FACT? That is not a fact.

It would be a fact if it was up to me.

If I could be elected king of this country, I would put out all the propaganda I could portraying men who live at home in a positive light. I wouldn't demonize anyone who's fully independent, of course. I would just want to level the playing field, really.

 

[ardour]

There's also the other side of such a position: If anyone can change themselves for the better with enough effort, no matter what, then it follows that any & all problems in your life are your own fault exclusively. You got laid off when your employer downsized? You have a degenerative nerve disease? Well tough ****, buddy. It's your fault & there is no reason anyone should help you, in any & all cases.

Nobody's suggesting that personal responsibility extends into all aspects of a person's circumstances. That's a false analogy. But I agree sometimes it just isn't feasible to do a complete turnaround with one's personality.

 

[Zett]

There is NEVER a certain age where you can not fix something. Sorry, but no. All a person need is a desire to fix it and an understanding that they have a problem.

As I said already, if you don't like something, you can change it. Saying you CAN'T is a cop out...an excuse. You don't want to try, that's fine, but don't say you can't.

It's worse when you are actually trying to figure out your flaws, and asking others for help, and they won't be honest with you about it. I guess I'm just the one in a million perfect loner.

Of all the people I know, there is ONE that will tell me the brutal truth if I ask her, no matter what. I have not met anyone else like this. I think friends don't want to hurt feelings, usually, so they won't be honest like that.

Personally, I prefer honesty and if I'm asked a question, I will not lie.

Completely agree, it is possible to change regardless of the age you're at, just harder to change and this can be understood if you know how to change at all. It's a subject I'm going to be building upon as it's sort of my life long dream to bring this topic to light about 'how to change' and do it 'easier than you think'. I've changed a great deal about myself and as I've done it I've come to realize it comes down to this.

To change yourself you have to change what you believe. What you believe is founded upon interpretations of events in your life, or information given verbally or observed by your senses.

Every single thought is a result of your subconscious beliefs, not the stuff in your rational mind but rather what you know inside. This is why it's so difficult to change. Your subconscious adopts beliefs based on what it experiences, so for you to suddenly be confident one day can be incredibly difficult or just outright impossible.

Confidence is the symptom of true self belief, which is either founded on by experience or even by faith.

Religion is actually a good way to look at how a person can drastically change. Observe how a person who accepts religion changes how they see things, and you'll understand that beliefs are truly what defines a person's perception which ultimately affects their behavior.

Unless your flaws are truly genetic, it's highly likely to be a by-product of your internal beliefs. Internal beliefs can be changed with will, faith, or various techniques that target subconscious beliefs (NLP - neuro-linguistic programming). In my case I used a lot of my own personal techniques in NLP to achieve internal changes to quit games without feeling the urge to play them since.

 

[Rosewood]

Guy( women as well) with problems with women( or men) and jobs have no idea why? He/she is generally an educated person and seems to have the same problem with work and home. That's usually a highly intelligent individual. This person can benefit from people that are seriously in to his main passion He should common goals with other people.

Yes we all have flaws. There are some people who will tell you how terrible they are. " your not so bad". They are often low on self-esteem and imagine themselves to be worse than they re. This can drive people away.

Then there is that person who can't be fixed because it's everyone else who is the cause. They can't change until they see it. This is change resistant and often a personality disorder. Several match this.

Most of us are somewhere in between. That makes us humans. We are all ready to grow in the right environment with care and the right people who want to share our values.

 

[VanillaCreme]

True. Age doesn't mean that change isn't possible, however, when people have been set in their ways for so long, change doesn't seem feasible anyway. My first thought on this post though was that eventually, he'll probably find someone who can tolerate his ideas, thoughts, behavior... It just takes the right person.

I think you got what I was saying. As far as "plenty of women would tolerate this".. that's stretching it a bit far on my part, albeit intentionally . Rather it's more like.. he has to hope he can find a woman who can admire other things about him, and at the same time be willing to understand he has that limitation.

What I said had nothing to do with gender. Be it man or woman, a lot of the times it just takes that one to truly understand. Not everyone would tolerate everything.

Women like guys who live with one or both parents. Fact.

Where the hell do you get this supposed FACT? That is not a fact.

It would be a fact if it was up to me.

If I could be elected king of this country, I would put out all the propaganda I could portraying men who live at home in a positive light. I wouldn't demonize anyone who's fully independent, of course. I would just want to level the playing field, really.

Some people might like the idea that their partner lives at home or has either one or both their parents living with them. But not all. That's certainly not a fact, and why you'd make it your fact is beyond me. Honestly, I'd much prefer it if I didn't live with my guy's mother. It's really nothing against her, I would just like it if it were me and him in our own home. But I don't know in their situation which one won't let go.

 

[Triple Bogey]

I don't meet enough women, it's as simple as that !
And I don't because I prefer my own company most of the time.

 

[Peaches]

Some people might like the idea that their partner lives at home or has either one or both their parents living with them. But not all. That's certainly not a fact, and why you'd make it your fact is beyond me. Honestly, I'd much prefer it if I didn't live with my guy's mother. It's really nothing against her, I would just like it if it were me and him in our own home. But I don't know in their situation which one won't let go.
[/quote]

unless they live in 35-rooms castle, I could live with that

 

[Batman55]

What I said had nothing to do with gender. Be it man or woman, a lot of the times it just takes that one to truly understand. Not everyone would tolerate everything.

But that is exactly what I was saying. I may have said it in a gendered way but I thought it was clear enough.

Some people might like the idea that their partner lives at home or has either one or both their parents living with them. But not all. That's certainly not a fact, and why you'd make it your fact is beyond me. Honestly, I'd much prefer it if I didn't live with my guy's mother. It's really nothing against her, I would just like it if it were me and him in our own home. But I don't know in their situation which one won't let go.

It's just my strange humor. In this case I was playing off the generalized truth that men living dependently are unattractive to most women, and projecting a more idealized reality where the stigma is gone and both men at home and men on their own are equally attractive.

Most people don't get it, though, and that's fine with me. I can barely understand myself, at times.

 

[VanillaCreme]

It's just my strange humor. In this case I was playing off the generalized truth that men living dependently are unattractive to most women, and projecting a more idealized reality where the stigma is gone and both men at home and men on their own are equally attractive.

Most people don't get it, though, and that's fine with me. I can barely understand myself, at times.

I understand now. Like I said, in my situation, it's really nothing to do with her, or him, or anything but the fact that I'd rather be on my own. So there's no negativity behind it for me. I do plan to be on my own, and whether my guy wants to come with me is up to him.

 

[HappyYogi]

---

... or "please don't bring that up, it will bring my mood down".

I ******* despise that.

EVERYONE gets in a pissy mood at times and someone who isn't willing to accept that is a selfish ******* who only thinks of themselves IN MY OPINION.
(relationship-wise I mean)
[/quote]

I wasn't even "pissy". I was just expressing myself. After he told me all his sadness and woes and we hadn't seen each other in a long time I said "can I express some things I felt hurt about"? I wasn't angry or nothing, just wanted to express.

---

... or "please don't bring that up, it will bring my mood down".

I ******* despise that.

EVERYONE gets in a pissy mood at times and someone who isn't willing to accept that is a selfish ******* who only thinks of themselves IN MY OPINION.
(relationship-wise I mean)

[/quote]

I didn't even get "pissy". We had not seen each other in a long time. He was sharing with me all his sad feelings. I was listening. We had some intimacy and I just said "Can I share some things that hurt me"? That is when he said no for it would lower his energy. Not the last time he did something like that. I was flabberghasted. Never been with a male like this ever.

---

All your posts have helped me. Even with these small examples all of you can see something off with him. I can give you many more. This helps me realize there is something wrong. I still like him, though, isn't that sad? But it helps to see I am not crazy.

 

[Jenifer]

I think it's better to communicate with him....you should explain to him he's selfish...you know sometimes people need a "cold shower", they need to face reality. I was selfish myself until someone told me and made me think about it. I always thought my boyfriend was gulity for everything so when he told me I was thinking only at myself he made me cry but at the same time he opened my eyes. I need to change if I wanted to save my relationship. It was hard but eventually I surpased all of it and I am happier than ever.

 

[HappyYogi]

I think it's better to communicate with him....you should explain to him he's selfish...you know sometimes people need a "cold shower", they need to face reality. I was selfish myself until someone told me and made me think about it. I always thought my boyfriend was gulity for everything so when he told me I was thinking only at myself he made me cry but at the same time he opened my eyes. I need to change if I wanted to save my relationship. It was hard but eventually I surpased all of it and I am happier than ever.

Jennifer....curious....did you ever figure out why you were selfish? What caused you to be that way? That's great you let the information in and then changed. : )

 

[Rosewood]

Have you thought maybe he has what is termed " a personality disorder"? There are more than just the ones public hears about. The problem can be the person doesn't understand they have a problem. It is termed personality as the negative ( I hate that term) traits are enduring. That is to say they seem to be part of personality. Professionals work with little success on people like this. It can really be draining on the only support that the person has. They can't see why people avoid or dislike being near them.

I can't say for sure if this is what your describing, but it is a classic description. Also brilliant people ( over 190 IQ) not just bright, have a hard time relating to the rest of us. Sad.

 

[HappyYogi]

He might. I don't know. It' s not my place to care because he doesn't care for me in that capacity so it's not my place.

It is true he was so shockingly inconsiderate or selfish at age 44, also educated, it might be that. Or he just might be a very selfish male. I've never ever come across this before in my life so when it happened I wasn't prepared.

And he is not open to any input whatsoever...he made that clear.

I don't know...I can't care. I am distancing myself from him because honestly he is just not kind or considerate.

Have you thought maybe he has what is termed " a personality disorder"? There are more than just the ones public hears about. The problem can be the person doesn't understand they have a problem. It is termed personality as the negative ( I hate that term) traits are enduring. That is to say they seem to be part of personality. Professionals work with little success on people like this. It can really be draining on the only support that the person has. They can't see why people avoid or dislike being near them.

I can't say for sure if this is what your describing, but it is a classic description. Also brilliant people ( over 190 IQ) not just bright, have a hard time relating to the rest of us. Sad.