Hello, hello

Corduroy · Apr 4, 2015

Hey, Im corduroy. Im just a kid in high school who likes to draw and I pride myself on my endurance and self awareness.

I made an account yesterday but had to wait for it to be activated, expecting an email. But then a realized that I was already logged in? Strange, I dont know what happened there but whatever, Im here now. Yesterday was awful for me, long and sad, thats why I decided to join, but today Im feeling pretty good on account that I was invited to hang out with some people later today. So, thats good.

I wouldnt say that Im all that physically lonely, I mean I have people that I sit with at lunch at school and occasionally hang out with and theyre real recent friends of mine, a big accomplishment for me, but I always get the feeling that they just pity me, or that could just be a self-delusion. As for mentally, I feel very lonely there. Like, I dont have any one I truly relate to.

Well, thats who I am. I figure Ill start posting when I feel the need to and once I start understanding how things work here.

Tell me about yourselves, anything I should be aware of about here? Also, I couldnt really find any rules? I mean, I saw the one about posting about suicidal stuff, but thats about all I could find

Thank you

QuesT · Apr 4, 2015

Hey Corduroy, I have to say (and I'm not just saying this), I get the impression that you are a very cool young individual just from the way you wrote your introduction and talked about yourself.

High school is a pretty special time, if you are able to make the most of it and grow and change in positive directions it is an amazing time to do so. The fact that you can say you have self-awareness and you're only in high school is pretty amazing. I'm 24 and I only really felt like I've been able to feel self-aware in the past year or so. I don't know exactly what you mean by having endurance unless you just mean physical endurance which would be cool. Mental endurance might be even cooler. Which is it?

It's always uplifting to have plans to hang out with people you like. I'm glad your luck has changed from yesterday to today. I hope you have a great time with those people!

I relate, I am overly self-conscience at times as well and sometimes you're right it can just be delusion. We can make up things that we think people are thinking about us and they are often not true.

Maybe you're a little ahead of the curve and your mental activities are a little more advanced than those that you try to relate to. Maybe try sharing some cool thoughts that you have with people and see how they respond. You might be surprised. Don't be afraid to be who you are.

You can find out a little about me perhaps through my profile (which I think you can find by clicking my forum name) and the posts that I make. Other than that, I consider myself pretty self-aware like you, I enjoy thinking deeply and philosophically, I enjoy going out (even if it's just to a mall or something), I enjoy walking places (especially at night), and I love listening to and playing music.

As far as rules and stuff, I think you should be fine, we are free to express ourselves and I don't think any rules usually get in the way as long as you're not talking about anything extremely ridiculously ridiculous I guess lol. Also, if you happen to be into religion and discussion of religion, you might be out of luck since they try to discourage religious debate if possible. However, if you wanted to try and start a very respectiful and calm discussion I would guess they'd let it go.

Also, there is a chat room and I think it's a cool place to go if you want to meet some forum members. I've gone into it a couple of times and it was pretty cool.

Welcome to ALL, hopefully this is a place you can come to enjoy being a part of.

Corduroy · Apr 5, 2015

Hello Quest! Thank you for such a warm welcome and the tips, nice to meet you! I do a lot of deep thinking myself, also enjoy music and, not so much walking, but being out at night. Being out at night always just makes up for the harsh sun down here, in Arizona.

Haha, about the endurance thing, I should have elaborated: Its useful for both physical and mental. Its nothing super human or crazy, but I feel like its enough to be feel proud of it and it sure has helped me with quite a few things in life like social difficulties and the terror that is a high school weight lifting class, lol

And as for my plans for today, well, they were a bust. Not to take over this introduction thread for a sad story about my day, but I feel like sharing it would give a good idea on my kind of problems, and if not that, will at least help me with some self reflection later

I recently became friends with a group of people (a dream come true), and pushed out an old friend (something I should have done long ago). And with this, although I know is for the best, came with a lot of difficulty. But all of that is a long story in itself. Yesterday, I got a message to hang out with the group, from one person in the group who normally doesnt message me, I took this as a sign that I was finally getting accepted as one of them. I was unfortunately busy and after explaining so got the reply 'We can all just hang out tomorrow'. This got me very excited! I woke up early today, waited for a reply and 6 hours later, nothing. At around that point I got very sad, depressed. I started doing what I normal do when this happens and end up convincing myself that they hate me. That they just pity me.

Then I just spent another 3 hours stuck in my head, being sad and thinking. At around 6, I got a tire for my bicycle (something Ive been wanting to do for a long while) and rode around the neighborhood, fantasizing that theyd be driving around and see me and pick me up. All of that made me happy for a bit. But it didnt last me the night

After that, I went to clean my dads studio, a recording studio, and I felt insane. I felt like I was going to explode and my head was filled with thousands of thoughts, all contradicting, and I wanted to scream. Nothing new, but amplified. It all sounds very, and lamely, like a movie, but I went into the vocal booth to do so, considering its late at night and this room captures the most sound. So I yelled, got ashamed of how I yell, and started crying. All the while hoping this would make me feel better, even if only temporarily, but yet I still just feel as conflicted and heavy as ever.

And now, I am writing this. Hoping to find some sort of reflection, or a new idea, on how to fix these feelings and prevent all of this, what will eventually feel like nonsense, from happening again. But I actually know that it wont give me a better answer, because I already know the best solution, but am I just too courage-less to do it. I need to share these idea I have about my friends with my friends, I know that will get it off my mind. Not only that, but they will know more about how I operate and will, hopefully if they care about me enough, adjust for it (while I try to do so myself, obviously).

After writing all this, Im considering deleting it, and just posting the top bit. I have a feeling that by posting all of this, I will seem too self centered to you all and ruin the small bit of reputation that I dont even have here. But, in combat to that thought, Ive decided that I will share it, because I feel like itd be the best thing to do for myself. Or maybe its just because I spent a lot of time writing it and it only takes a click to post it, hahah. Whatever

Tonight I will write down things I want to say and talk about to my friends and share it with the one I feel more comfortable with in the group. Writing it down will help me keep my mind on track and help me not forget anything that I might dwell on later.

Also, please do not feel like you have to have some kind of a reply for all that nonsense. Its overwhelming and I didnt really leave it off in a good enough position for a reply, sorry.

Instead, we could talk more about music, if you'd like. What kind of music do you listen to? Favorite albums?

wolvesjr · Apr 5, 2015

Welcome to the forum Corduroy! I think you will find many here who can relate to what you're going through and who can offer support for those tough times. Enjoy your time here!

Mouse · Apr 5, 2015

Welcome to ALL, Corduroy. I think you will enjoy the forum, though it may take a little time to get yourself settled, like I did. You are bound to meet likeminded friends, given time.

Loneliness takes many forms no matter what age we are. Sometimes we just need a bit of online company and here you might find the chat room fun. It's well moderated, too. The evenings in ALL are quiet on the forum itself, this being because many visit the chat room for natterings.

I'm very young and have a bunch of kids ranging from nearly six to eighteen months, and depending on my level of fatigue will work from home doing accountacy for our family tea & coffee importers. I love the job as I've coffee on tap, or tea if I choose. If you ever want a natter, just give my tail a tug to ring the bell on my profile and I'll be happy to write.

All the best, and Happy Easter.

Anna Mouse