Blue Thunder
Member
Hi everyone, and sorry for this giant block of text. I couldn't find a way to cut it down without removing important details -- there's a lot going on here.
Hope you are doing well. I'm from NYC, a place so densely crowded (by U.S. standards, at least) that to outsiders it could seem impossible that anyone could ever be lonely here. To negate their assumptions, all those outsiders would need to see is me -- a city resident sitting alone in his apartment as usual and writing an introduction to this site! :club: [I like this icon!]
While I seriously doubt my 24 years on this planet have been quite as miserable or as dour as those of others have been -- I mean, I was lucky enough to grow up in a supportive, relatively privileged family and had access to food, water, shelter, and education -- I can't say that I'm pleased with how things have been going for me so far. Not only have I been experiencing depression, OCD, panic disorder, and avoidant personality disorder for nearly eight years, but the real reasons why I am here are because I have been a loner for most of my life, I have no real friends, and I remain a virgin. I've never even gone on a date. Some of these issues are self-inflicted -- I mean, the AvPD makes securing friends especially challenging, and I believe my negativity and anxiousness tend to scare people away -- but others are more circumstantial, such as the incessant bullying I dealt with as a teenager or the ridiculous amount of work I must do to pursue a master's degree in architecture, which some could consider another form of hazing. :rolleyes2: Luckily I just finished my first semester at a major research university, so at least I'll be sleeping regularly, working at my own pace, and having the time to post places like this site.
High school yielded no friends because of the bullying, so I looked forward to starting fresh in college. Unfortunately, in my freshman year of college I was first hospitalized for my panic disorder. I had my first major attack in November 2007 after realizing that nothing in college had gone according to my expectations -- I had no friends there, was performing poorly academically, and was trapped with a roommate who hated my guts because we disagreed politically and the university would not let me move out. Before sophomore year began I transferred to another program in another city to study architectural history and start again. But transferring, I didn't realize, makes establishing a circle of friends very difficult because most students have already formed their cliques by the end of freshman year and will not accept anyone new, except as a kind of odd one out. I also dragged all my psychological problems with me to this new city. So I didn't make any lasting friendships in college, and spent two years working in boutique architecture firms (where I didn't make friends with anyone, once again) before starting my master's program. Here again was an opportunity to start anew, but as I stated earlier the workload was so intense this first semester that there was little time left to engage others.
The few close friends I have had over the years cut our ties through either their betrayal or their decision to never call or write me back. I can't say I was never to blame -- I mean, maybe I'm not cool enough or maybe I'm too intense or something -- but these experiences have made it difficult for me to trust people enough to get close.
My life has been so empty socially for such an extended period of time that sometimes I feel like a teenager in a young adult's body. A lot of people I meet, however, assume I'm much older because I don't really like to do social things many people my age do -- clubbing, karaoke, listening only to Top 40 music, acting like a total idiot in the streets at 4am, etc. I can't help but feel a little conflicted about this, even though it's largely my choice not to follow most people my age. My old "friends" from college all endorsed "alternative" (whatever that means) lifestyles, so we usually found things in common.
As I can clearly differentiate what I like and what I dislike in things outside me, I frequently extend this level of judgment to myself. I have serious self-esteem issues that are the core of my depression and anxiety; if I could conquer them I think I could move on reasonably well in life. But unfortunately, the self-esteem issues stem from some embarrassing genetic problems -- especially my excessively oily, profusely sweating, and often flushing face. I can get by with this problem reasonably well when the weather is cool from mid-fall to mid-spring. When the summer comes, though, it is impossible for me to feel comfortable and look even remotely attractive -- I become utterly repulsive and feel like passing out all the time -- random people on the street sometimes ask me why I'm sweating so much, and very rarely they will react as one lady walking out of a convenience store in Baltimore did. In the middle of a heat wave she yelled at me, "you have an ugly-a** face!" (I swear, a nickname like "Charm City" couldn't even begin to describe how lovely Baltimore is.)
The shame of it is that without oily skin and contrary to what that random lady in Baltimore said, I've been told I'm quite handsome; with short curly hair and a short beard I've been compared to Justin Timberlake several times (I don't think we look that much alike, but apparently some people seem to think so. To give you an idea of how I appear now, with long hair I look almost exactly like Chris Bell of the 70s band Big Star). But during the summer I wake up every morning with my face dripping with oil -- and that's really not an overstatement. The oiliness is the most objectionable of the three appearance issues I experience -- if I can eliminate it or control it, I could deal with sweating and flushing. Topical medications do not work -- the only drug I've never tried that is proven to be effective for oily skin is a low dosage of isotretinoin, and even that is not a permanent cure because the longer patients take it the more likely they will receive terrible side-effects. (There is a slight chance, however, that the drug could send the oiliness into remission even after I stop taking it.) One reason I avoid people is because until I address my problem, I don't want them seeing me as I appear in the summer unless I trust that they will not judge me. So it would appear to be a catch-22. I do intend to at least try isotretinoin sometime soon to see if it has any positive effect on my self image.
Beyond the physical stuff I've always been shy, introverted, and very sensitive. I don't handle rejection well at all, and I tend to be timid around people I don't know. I lack a real understanding of social cues -- by the time I notice there might be an opportunity it's already passed or I am too shy to act on it. My fears -- the "what-ifs" -- paralyze me. Medication has only helped elevate my mood slightly; I continue to take it but the problems I have don't seem to lie in brain chemistry as much as they do in my appearance issues and my own decisions. I want to regain control over my issues soon because I feel like I've been waiting to live my life for too long -- I fear that someday soon, social and especially romantic opportunities will no longer be so plentiful, and my lack of experience will become an even greater burden than it is now. So here I am, nearly eight years after my depression started, looking forward to both contributing and receiving help in this forum. So…hello and thanks for reading!
- BT
TL;DR: I am an anxiety-ridden, depressed, avoidant, and socially immature 24 year old guy who deals with appearance and related self-esteem issues. I'm afraid time is passing me by and want to act now so I can regain control over my life while social and romantic opportunities are still plentiful.
Hope you are doing well. I'm from NYC, a place so densely crowded (by U.S. standards, at least) that to outsiders it could seem impossible that anyone could ever be lonely here. To negate their assumptions, all those outsiders would need to see is me -- a city resident sitting alone in his apartment as usual and writing an introduction to this site! :club: [I like this icon!]
While I seriously doubt my 24 years on this planet have been quite as miserable or as dour as those of others have been -- I mean, I was lucky enough to grow up in a supportive, relatively privileged family and had access to food, water, shelter, and education -- I can't say that I'm pleased with how things have been going for me so far. Not only have I been experiencing depression, OCD, panic disorder, and avoidant personality disorder for nearly eight years, but the real reasons why I am here are because I have been a loner for most of my life, I have no real friends, and I remain a virgin. I've never even gone on a date. Some of these issues are self-inflicted -- I mean, the AvPD makes securing friends especially challenging, and I believe my negativity and anxiousness tend to scare people away -- but others are more circumstantial, such as the incessant bullying I dealt with as a teenager or the ridiculous amount of work I must do to pursue a master's degree in architecture, which some could consider another form of hazing. :rolleyes2: Luckily I just finished my first semester at a major research university, so at least I'll be sleeping regularly, working at my own pace, and having the time to post places like this site.
High school yielded no friends because of the bullying, so I looked forward to starting fresh in college. Unfortunately, in my freshman year of college I was first hospitalized for my panic disorder. I had my first major attack in November 2007 after realizing that nothing in college had gone according to my expectations -- I had no friends there, was performing poorly academically, and was trapped with a roommate who hated my guts because we disagreed politically and the university would not let me move out. Before sophomore year began I transferred to another program in another city to study architectural history and start again. But transferring, I didn't realize, makes establishing a circle of friends very difficult because most students have already formed their cliques by the end of freshman year and will not accept anyone new, except as a kind of odd one out. I also dragged all my psychological problems with me to this new city. So I didn't make any lasting friendships in college, and spent two years working in boutique architecture firms (where I didn't make friends with anyone, once again) before starting my master's program. Here again was an opportunity to start anew, but as I stated earlier the workload was so intense this first semester that there was little time left to engage others.
The few close friends I have had over the years cut our ties through either their betrayal or their decision to never call or write me back. I can't say I was never to blame -- I mean, maybe I'm not cool enough or maybe I'm too intense or something -- but these experiences have made it difficult for me to trust people enough to get close.
My life has been so empty socially for such an extended period of time that sometimes I feel like a teenager in a young adult's body. A lot of people I meet, however, assume I'm much older because I don't really like to do social things many people my age do -- clubbing, karaoke, listening only to Top 40 music, acting like a total idiot in the streets at 4am, etc. I can't help but feel a little conflicted about this, even though it's largely my choice not to follow most people my age. My old "friends" from college all endorsed "alternative" (whatever that means) lifestyles, so we usually found things in common.
As I can clearly differentiate what I like and what I dislike in things outside me, I frequently extend this level of judgment to myself. I have serious self-esteem issues that are the core of my depression and anxiety; if I could conquer them I think I could move on reasonably well in life. But unfortunately, the self-esteem issues stem from some embarrassing genetic problems -- especially my excessively oily, profusely sweating, and often flushing face. I can get by with this problem reasonably well when the weather is cool from mid-fall to mid-spring. When the summer comes, though, it is impossible for me to feel comfortable and look even remotely attractive -- I become utterly repulsive and feel like passing out all the time -- random people on the street sometimes ask me why I'm sweating so much, and very rarely they will react as one lady walking out of a convenience store in Baltimore did. In the middle of a heat wave she yelled at me, "you have an ugly-a** face!" (I swear, a nickname like "Charm City" couldn't even begin to describe how lovely Baltimore is.)
The shame of it is that without oily skin and contrary to what that random lady in Baltimore said, I've been told I'm quite handsome; with short curly hair and a short beard I've been compared to Justin Timberlake several times (I don't think we look that much alike, but apparently some people seem to think so. To give you an idea of how I appear now, with long hair I look almost exactly like Chris Bell of the 70s band Big Star). But during the summer I wake up every morning with my face dripping with oil -- and that's really not an overstatement. The oiliness is the most objectionable of the three appearance issues I experience -- if I can eliminate it or control it, I could deal with sweating and flushing. Topical medications do not work -- the only drug I've never tried that is proven to be effective for oily skin is a low dosage of isotretinoin, and even that is not a permanent cure because the longer patients take it the more likely they will receive terrible side-effects. (There is a slight chance, however, that the drug could send the oiliness into remission even after I stop taking it.) One reason I avoid people is because until I address my problem, I don't want them seeing me as I appear in the summer unless I trust that they will not judge me. So it would appear to be a catch-22. I do intend to at least try isotretinoin sometime soon to see if it has any positive effect on my self image.
Beyond the physical stuff I've always been shy, introverted, and very sensitive. I don't handle rejection well at all, and I tend to be timid around people I don't know. I lack a real understanding of social cues -- by the time I notice there might be an opportunity it's already passed or I am too shy to act on it. My fears -- the "what-ifs" -- paralyze me. Medication has only helped elevate my mood slightly; I continue to take it but the problems I have don't seem to lie in brain chemistry as much as they do in my appearance issues and my own decisions. I want to regain control over my issues soon because I feel like I've been waiting to live my life for too long -- I fear that someday soon, social and especially romantic opportunities will no longer be so plentiful, and my lack of experience will become an even greater burden than it is now. So here I am, nearly eight years after my depression started, looking forward to both contributing and receiving help in this forum. So…hello and thanks for reading!
- BT
TL;DR: I am an anxiety-ridden, depressed, avoidant, and socially immature 24 year old guy who deals with appearance and related self-esteem issues. I'm afraid time is passing me by and want to act now so I can regain control over my life while social and romantic opportunities are still plentiful.
