Hi

NY8752 · Jan 22, 2009

Hi all,

I'm new here too and have been searching online for quite a while for a forum like this. I have read some of your posts and there are definitely things mentioned that I feel have applied to me. I really can't remember the first instance of when I started feeling so low, and it has been quite a while. There are a multitude of things that have been bothering me and mostly pertaining to my family life and of what I perceive to be a lack of support. I cannot talk to my mother because the few times that I have tried I always feel put down and in significant; i think this primarily stems from the fact that when I had told her that I wanted to see a specialist she was the one who ended up psychoanalyzing me herself. It is due to this that I really have a hard time talking to or really letting anyone in. For anything i always feel like i'm backed into a corner.

I have a sister that is older than me, married, and is becoming a doctor. I've always been overshadowed in that respect and all though in situations where i've tried to state something or voice my opinion it never gets heard; rather attention is paid to my sister. It can get quite frustrating at times and I don't know what else to do. It seems the only time any attention is paid is when I act in a manner that is unfitting to my parents: i.e. crying. I tend to hold a lot of things in and unfortunately when it can no longer be retained it comes out in a way that is undesirable, and as much as I try to contain myself, to make a point without getting emotional, I cannot. I am in my early 20's and I feel that I am controlling my emotions to the best of my ability, yet it just sort of sucks when all that is seen is an irrationality.

I'm afraid that my relationship with my family is affecting my personal relationships with others and my ability to get involved with a particular Individual. I'm so afraid of failing, of being rejected, and muted that I am having a hard time of truly opening myself up. I have a cousin who I confide in regularly but I always feel like I am burdening her with my problems and I realize that she too my have her own, especially now that she has a little one. Being a burden on someone is the last thing I want to do. I figure that in this forum there are others like me and that I won't be such a burden.

Oceanmist23 · Jan 22, 2009

Hey NY8752 and welcome to the forum!
I'm sorry to hear about your relationship with your family *Hugs*
I sometimes bottle things up inside too and it comes out in tears.
It's great that you can talk to your cousin though,
but if you listen to her when she talks about her life I'm sure she doesn't mind listening to you talk about yours.
I don't think she finds it a burden at all.

I hope you will find the forum useful. Feel free to contact me if you want a chat

querida · Jan 22, 2009

hi ny...welcome to the forum!
i agree with what oceanmist said also...its great you can confide in your cousin, and i know from personal experience so long as the person who shares their experiences is willing to listen to your own feelings / frustrations, than there is no burden there whatsoever, as its almost like a support network..

otherwise there are some great people on hear to listen and chat too!! hope to see you round

Lonesome Crow · Jan 22, 2009

Hi NY8752 welcome to the forum.

You're not alone...I say that so you don't think you're crazy.
I felt like a wack job growning up in the same type of environment.
I was the middle child...the lostchild. Nothing I did was good enough.
My older sister is just like your's as a matter of fact...Very sucessful,
a nurse and been married to her High School sweet heart...and recieved all the love and support.
My younger sister...well she just gets away with murder...spoil rotten. She can do no wrong.

Me.....if I breathe, that's just totally wrong. I was never allow
to express any of my emotions. If i did...there was something
wrong with me...I remember my dad taking me to a freaken shirk
one day as a child ...I listened to my father tell the shrink how messed up I was...
I didn't say a word becuase my father was sitting in the same room...Evidently, the shrink thought I was a wack
job too. When we got home...well, my father kind of let me have it
and told me was a burden to everyone. Evidently my father's shrink comfirmed what my father wanted to hear.
Ya know....that really, really screwed me up even more.
Evidently i was ceritfied as crazy....
Fucken dickheads...they didn't asked me how I felt about it that's for sure.

I started isolating myself. when i did come out of my room, it was
like walking on eggshells...mmmm, more like walking on a dame mime
field.

Yes, it effected my personal relationships. I have a radar out for phyco
bitches for reasons. The woman I get involved with has the same triats as my father...
I run away from women that whats to love me and hold me...it scares the hell out of me.
As an adult i brought home to me (same type of invironment). As sick as it was i was comfortible in it...

To numb my feelings..I started using drugs and alcohol as a teenager.
All the partying and crazy life style took away the pain for a while.
It stopped working. It was just a bandaide job. I still had all those
feeling inside of me that I stuff deep inside of me. So i went to AA
or NA...to stop my drugs and alcohol abuse...it helped me.

I was still sick...I got involved with an alcoholic. Living with her
was like reliving my childhood...Just becuase it was a fucken Tuesday
it was chaos...

Anywho...Stuffing my feelings is one of my major root cuase
of my depression and anxieties.

Yes...seek help and support...not from your family memebers
or partner. You can try group therapy or an Alan-on meeting.
Most alan-on members...lived in that sort of environment.
They'll understand you...and will help you heal. They'll listen
you...cry with you. All of the tears from all of the years just
comes up somtimes...and you can't hold them back anymore.
And it's okay to feel what you feel. To actaully break down
and cry brought me great releave. I felt light and happy
for around 3-6 months.

My feelings are not me...never the less, I still needed to process
them without being judge or redicue while I go through the process
of healing. In the process of healing I'll still react in my old behavior patterns.

After the pink cloud stage..(6 months) It depends on the person.
I'll still behave in my old habits or behavior patterns...
This is where I must get really honest with myself.
I needed to change those patterns. And it's up to me.
I can't change anyone else...And half of the time , i feel like i can't even change myself..
But I must make those changes in order for my life to change.
This is where getting into a support gorup helps...i need the love , support and encouragement so that i don't
feel alone or over whelm when trying to make changes in my life.
I myself perhapse can't...but together we can.
Breaking habits feels like you're going against the grain...and I resist changes.
This is the part in which i must hold myself accountible and take my life back.
I take baby steps...make little changes at a time.

In recovery...some of us if not all of us...will get well, then turn around and do the
same old behaviors again and again. It's a learning process...but it's not a requirement to learn that way.lol
Doing the samething over and over again and expecting a different result is insanty.lol

I had to get clean and sober first before i can start processing
my feelings. I got clean and sober @22...
The more I process my emotions or feelings...the less i react in a negative way. I had to do an inventory of myself.
Sometimes..I'll react in a dramatic way(out burst).
Other times it's mellow dramma..I recoil, isolate or go introverted.
I had to be very honest with myself..in my behavior patterns.
Once i recognize and accept my behavior patterns..i can try to
break them...I have to work on myself and RE-PARENT myself.
No matter what happens..I have to LOVE MYSELF through it all.
Recovery had beed a long journey. I didn't get that way overnite
and i won't totally heal over nite.

Be well.