Hospitalization.

[Doubt The Rabbit]

There are nights when I am reminded that I am lonely. Whenever I get a call from the hospital, I am reminded of my weak self. It's the part of me that wants accompanied and comforted. It's the part of me that wants to act like a spoiled brat because it's just not fair.

There are times when I'd like to tear everything down and go back to being the crybaby I used to be - the kid my family and friends were disgusted with. I can't let my guard down, and I won't. So, just as the movie started and I got the text, I left the theatre. I bought two cups of coffee and some donuts and quickly headed to the hospital to support my mother.

Getting pissed off wouldn't do me any good. Thinking "Why my family?", lashing out, kicking bus seats, or even crying (yes, crying - shocker, innit?) wouldn't do a damn thing. By now, it's only natural for me to be calm, cool, and logical. It's this that impresses the hospital staff and makes me feel good. I'm a good big sister, no?

Even so, I couldn't help but feel like traveling through the dark train tunnel was like speeding through time, bringing me closer to witnessing a death that just isn't fair.
I've had several people stare at the dark expression that escaped me from time to time. "What's crawled up your ass?" - I'm sure they would say if they gave a ****.

Sometimes there are a few people with whom I tease the idea of confiding in and leaning on. Of course, I dismiss it. There's no way I could burden other's with my crap. Ha. No, I know that's a self-righteous excuse for the fact that I don't trust anyone enough to be THAT honest.

What will it take to gain my trust? I don't even know. Moreover, who am I to expect someone to go out of their way just for me to trust them? That's really conceited. Anyway, perhaps my trust comes with time or...something. Something I don't know yet, because I'm only taught never to trust. All I know is, I may fancy myself to be some strong person who can carry everyone's grief on my own, but I'm not. I'm weak. Soon, I'll be damaged. Fml.

-Anyway, we're all home now and it's all over. Nothing new, just her disease progressing. Some days I wonder how long until she dies. Sometimes I want to strangle the doctors for not doing more, better, faster. I hate reminiscing over the little girl with the bobble head and broken English I used to know. If she'd been sick from the beginning, at least there'd be nothing to miss.

 

[Jilted John]

I'm sorry for your pain Rabbit.

 

[Doubt The Rabbit]

Haha, don't worry about it. Every once in a while I feel like I want some attention, so I go and post one of these threads, forgetting that I probably won't get any response, because what do you say to someone like me? "It'll be alright?" No it won't. Some advice? How?

My sister just happened to be one of the unluckiest people in the world, and my family happened to be one of the unluckiest families in the world. Who'd have thought that the "fourth child" would be almost certain to die? Well, whatever. I've already come to terms with the idea of her dying. What I haven't accepted yet is having so much of her past to cling to. Some days I'm suffering from her death before she's even dead, because every few years a new part of the girl I used to know dies.

Anyhow, this is what I have to live with, on top of being alone. All there is left is to smile and wave. If I'm in no position to receive a satisfying support from others, I'll at least continue to be the most stone-faced, calm, and collected support system for the people around me who need it.
Spitting out logic and taking emotional blows without seeming the least bit upset is my specialty, whether it makes me look like a cold-hearted person or not.

 

[rivermaze]

It's important that you found the place, where you feel safe enough to say about your feelings. It's also important that you're talking about what you are thinking and feeling.

I read your first post earlier, but as you said, what I could possibly say?

I'm a naturalist, and I don't know your understanding of what is going on with your sister. However, every time I see someone dying or suffering, it makes me speechless. I'd like to shout and cry, but I'm left in muted poignant agony. Not being able to do anything, I feel utterly broken. And when I witness someone's death I feel guilt and being left alone, no matter how many close people are there around. I can't understand why it happens. I do feel sorry for you.

Anyway, if you'd ever feel like talking about it with someone, please pm.

Take care

 

[Badjedidude]

((((((BUNNEH))))))

 

[Doubt The Rabbit]

Thanks, rivermaze. That was very heartfelt and honest.

---

((((((((BRONY))))))))

 

[Peter Lorre]

I'm sorry DTR.

Wish I could say something meaningful, but the past year has shown me I'm not good yet (if ever) at dealing with Death/terminal illnesses. I'd like to wish for a miracle for your sister, but I'm not sure how that would work out.

So I'll stick to a *hug*, a sincere "I'm sorry, so sorry" and a "if there's anything I can do, you know where to find me". Take care Rabbit.

 

[Badjedidude]

AINCHUR BRONY

 

[SophiaGrace]

I read this. Just have to remember the good times and love your sister with the time you have left.

*hug*

 

[dead]

dear, you know. i would go to quite alot of length of earn your trust. i think you deserve this and more. every good thing upon this earth. awhile ago i'd even fight for it - but either i'm too tired, or too used to being less than welcome. i am not sure.

anyway. just putting this out here. you know how to find me if you decide you want someone to listen. i'm here for you dear. anytime.