How do I get over my break-up?

[lucrezia3333]

I wrote again about a year ago about a boy who we started out as friends, then it turned into a friend with benefit thing and after 9 months finally he admitted he were like a real couple. Now 16 months later, and despite the fact in the last few months we were really good in our relationship, we loved each other (or so I thought we did), he broke up with me about a month and half ago.

I cry almost every day still, I dream about him (more like have nightmares), my appetite's grown very weird (one day I eat a lot, the next I might eat nothing), I don't sleep well, I can't watch a romantic/sexual film, I can't even stand sexual or romantic references, I can't stand watching couples.

I am unemployed so have very few things to do, I lost my motivation to do something with my field (theatre, film, writing etc).

As I'm overweight as well it's gotten my confidence really down as I now think that no one will find an interest in me, sexually, romantically.

He was my first in almost all fields (love, sex, relationship). He blames me for asphyxiating him and smothering him (mind you we see each other once a week, perhaps once per fortnight since he studies away from my town and he comes and goes).

I used to be a really happy person before I met him, I used to be all jolly, smiley and content with myself. Now I'm miserable, I changed so much. He would always put me down (cause I have 2 degrees but I'm without a job and he's in a governmental job so he's guaranteed for life financially). He would never buy me any gifts, nor he'd take me out to dinner etc.

We would spend all of our time indoors most of times or playing yu-gi-oh trading card games (cause that was his thing so I adopted most of his likings ie trading card games, metal music, WWE etc).

I completely compromised myself with everything and I was ready to let his depressive nature put me even more down because I loved him.

But mid April (just before Easter time, he would come down to spend about 10 days with me and his friends, after a 2-week absence since I hadn't seen him) he decided to go to his own home-town to spend Easter with his folks, even though he'd been telling me he'd spend it with me.

I got mad, and he broke-up with me over the phone. Then later on that same evening he called me to tell me perhaps we should meet one last time to give our relationship a "proper" goodbye,as he called it.

I said okay, but went with half a heart since for me he had already done his damage and I didn't absolve him of his guilt (cause he is very ethical - my ass) that he broke-up with me over the phone.

Then for the next couple of days he was struggling with his decision, but finally he didn't relent and he maintained his attitude of break-up with me for good.

I've been a wreck ever since, since we were ( I thought we were) in a good place emotionally and sexually, and all of a sudden he was gone.

He sent me an email about 3 weeks ago, to explain to me his reasons for living: he blamed me that I was full of demands and that he felt forced to do all those trips just to see me, and he would tell me what I wanted to hear, and that I should move on with my life and that he's not ever coming back to me as a boyfriend (only as a friend? - huh? - how can he do that? - i told him time and time again this is not feasible for either party cause I'm so in love with him) and that he loves me but he loves himself more.

So he left for his own selfish reasons and perhaps I should look for a real man instead waiting for him cause he's an ******* (quote from his email).

Still....I'm a wreck, to the point I can't cope any more and thinking of going to a psychiatrist, cause my self-confidence, my self-esteem, my, ego and my pride are all practically non-existent.

I went to the UK, where most of my friends are, for a week about a week ago, but now that I'm back home again, I'm lonely and depressed. I have almost no friends here, and I'm lonely for most part of the day and I keep thinking about him which makes me cry even more.

I try to go out and have fun but when I come back home is like everything's haunting me...it's like he's haunting me. He still lives inside me and I can't stop thinking about him. I love him still so much, even though he doesn't deserve me as a man and I know that.

How can I get over him? How can I get passed this? I'm 25 going to 26 and this is the first time that's ever happened to me and I'm miserable. I want to find my old self again and be content with my loneliness.

I don't want to be in pain any more and live with the memories. I miss him so much, and there are times when the pain get so unbearable that I just want to call him up and tell him how much I love him still. But he'll refuse me and I know that.

How do I get over my break-up? Please help me! :'(

 

[Okiedokes]

Sounds like the reason your self confidence went out the window is because of him, and him putting you down. Maybe you lost part of yourself because you invested all your time and energy into this guy. Taking part in his hobbies and whatnot, and he probably didn't do the same for you (just a guess). I am sorry to hear about the breakup, but it is good that he was honest with you and did this because he wasn't on the same level as you. He says he loves himself more, not much you can do about that. I think what you should do right now is focus on yourself for awhile and do things that make you happy, before you even met him. And also to realize if you feel you have any guilt because of him, just let them go. Kinda like his silly comment about your degree. (Which I found rude in my opinion..who is he to lecture you about that, ya know?) I hope things get better for ya.

 

[The Good Citizen]

Firstly it was 6 weeks ago so I don't think there is a magic answer to that question, I think it will take you more time to get over the end of the relationship, it obviously meant a lot to you so you could be looking at feeling like this for several more months. I think it’s better to be honest about that from the off, you are probably going to have a few months feeling pretty low regardless, like it or not.

Secondly, I think once you accept that fact and stop trying to fight it you can then start to try and move on. You will be doing this with a heavy heart guaranteed but try to keep in mind the fact that you are heading toward a better place eventually. It doesn't sound as if you have just yet, as you are thinking about getting in touch still so I think you need to let go of any thoughts of getting back together, he's ended it he's gone away thought about it and given his reason in a considered way so its not as if it was in the heat of the moment. I would try and expunge as much of him out of your life as you can, clear out any stuff of his, delete any emails, get rid of his phone number (try not to memorise it if you can!). Throw it all away and personally, if I were you I would decline the opportunity to stay in touch as friends, maybe one day that’s something you might want to consider but wait until you reach the point where you can honestly say all you want is his friendship and not a second chance.

Finally once everything has been thrown out or put away in your mind, think about what you can do to improve your confidence and get out and about a bit. If your weight is an issue for you it might be something that you can focus on to give yourself some confidence but don't wait too long to get back out there and enjoying yourself if you can. Try and meet someone else or just enjoy time out with a friend, don't fall in the trap of thinking you need to perfectly sort your life out or improve your confidence before you start trying to meet someone, there’s never a perfect time. I think you can get in to a spiral of trying and failing if you do that, it’s good to go out have a nice time and maybe meet someone who you like and likes you, that will do you more good than any positive thinking or self improvement promises could ever do. You will meet someone, they will bring you new and fresh feelings into your life again and what you are going through now won’t seem so permanent or hopeless after all. It’s the letting go that’s the hard part though, facing facts and stopping wondering what went wrong, once you've done that you're half way there.

 

[Scootch]

I dont mean to be rude but it sounds like a lucky escape to me...

I'm no good at advice but all I can say is its probably for the best.

 

[Ox Blood]

The first is always the hardest.

A lot of people offered some ace advice already, but seeing a therapist might also be a really good idea. This way, you can find your equilibrium again. They can give you the support and guidance you need to get through this difficult time.

 

[Limlim]

I second the ditch the just friends thing. I'd say break ties entirely.

 

[Bones]

Lucrezia3333:

Until recently, I have never heard the name Lucrezia (I know - where I have been?) and now love the name; also for numerology purposes, I also love the meaning of the number 33 since it is considered a master number - the Master Teacher.

Anyway, I have always dealt with it by meditating.

While meditating, I would review the good times, the so-so times, and the bad times.

I would imagine the energy link/thread (with visualization) between me and the other person and break it.

And, I would try ending the meditation with positive thoughts about my future life.

It always worked for me, but it may not work for others.

Hugs to you Lucrezia3333!

~ bones

 

[BlueOwl]

Break ties. Take care of yourself. It helps to distract yourself when you are home alone. I watched a marathon of House episodes on DVD borrowed from the library a few years back during a bad breakup of my own. (And I know someone who did the same with with Star Trek Voyager.) Revisit an old hobby or something that you remember enjoying yourself. At first it may feel like you are just going through the motions, but you might feel a bit of your old self when you get back in the groove.

 

[Phaedron]

Move on with life, its all you can really do. Understand that nothing is really going to help the pain, and if you try you are just wasting your time. It takes about a year or so depending on how close and how much damage.

 

[Kat]

Throughout your relationship he was obviously thinking aboit himself and doing what's best for him. I think it's time you do what's best for you.

 

[Stranger]

Hey there,

Your ex sounds like a really bad boyfriend - not paying for you on dates, not buying you gifts, and the whole relationship reluctantly grew out of a "friends with benefits" arrangement? It sounds like he was never in love with you in the first place - however, that doesn't necessarily say anything about you personally. Most likely you two were just incompatible, or his expectations are too high (he dreams of women who are really "out of his range"). Or maybe he really is selfish - if so, it's good that you broke up, because there is nothing worse than starting a family with a person who may back out at a time when costs outweigh benefits for him, leaving you with kids to support alone, etc.

I think you are feeling so bad because you are unemployed and your days are empty, leaving you with nothing but the contemplation of all this trouble. Unemployment is really hard on one's self esteem. It might take a month, a year, two years, but eventually you will find a good job and pick up your career. Consistent effort always pays off in the long term, and two degrees is great education capital to start with. So don't base your self-esteem on what you did today, but rather on what you are capable of becoming in the long run. And don't even think of contacting him, no matter how strong the temptation - that's a really bad idea!

PS I know overweight ladies who are really attractive and interesting

 

[Gutted]

I second the ditch the just friends thing. I'd say break ties entirely.

This. Works best for me when I have nothing to do with Ex's. You don't want to know how great things are for them whilst things are not great for you.