How to say "no"?

[miasaokim]

I'm an Asian; and to Asians, relatives take a big important role.
I'm also a graphic designer and I studied art in college. One cousin of mine has a daughter, who had also studied art in an art class for children. The girl (and her family) says that she love drawing so much, but I know she doesn't. It's just a children's interest for a short time. Today she love art, tomorrow she will love cooking. When I was a child I loved art and I know how that "live" is. Now she had stopped studying because school year has started.
They teach her art in school too; and she usually asks me to help her with her drawing homework. Actually it's her mother ask me to do the homework for her. It's not a problem anyway, since she is in high school junior and the homework is quite easy for me. The girl even asks me to draw her class mural, like everything related to art she would ask me.

I think she is depending on me too much. She nearly doesn't try to do the drawing. I can imagine a scene where she sit there, take the paper, pencils... start with some lines and then "mommy, it's too hard for me". Next, her mother would ask me to help her.
I did try to say "no" before. I said I was busy with work so I can't help her. Now she doesn't ask me as much as before but for some small home work, like only need haft an hour to finish, she still ask me. (I wonder what did she study in her art class?)

In my country, during high schools time, art (along with music, physical class...) is just a very minor subject. And it's only considered important after you graduated and join an art university/college.
So, I guess her mother also think that it's important for her to do math than sit there and draw.

Honestly, it's not a big deal to do the homework for her. The thing that annoying me is; well, it's like her mother tries to say that she is just like me. She loves art so much and it's like a part of her world.
I know it's not.
I would rather she says it's just a minor subject and her daughter has more big things to do. I just hate when people say "that is important to me" and then throw it into the trash can. I love art and I treasure it and my art ability (I won't call it a talent, talent is something you have since you were born. Ability is something you have to work for) is not for those kind of people.

How to refuse to draw for her?

 

[grainofrice24]

Tell her that if she wants to draw, she has to draw it herself, it's her homework. I know it'll be a shitty thing to do because she's depended on you to do her homework for her for a while. Just tell her "I don't have time to keep doing your homework for you!". If she cared about drawing then she wouldn't ask you to do it. And forcing her to draw for herself when she doesn't enjoy it will help her confront the decision of if she wants to pursue art further or not.

Seriously, just say "I don't have time to do your homework for you! Do it yourself!" She might resent you for it, but truthfully it sounds like she's taking advantage of your kindness.

 

[Lonesome Crow]

Maybe she has artist blockage.
I get music writting blockage sometimes when Im forcing it.
I'm an artist I drew when I was a kid and I still love drawing.

I know there's different technique and style of drawing...maybe fucken
adults frocing all this honeysuckle into her is actaully killing her creativeness.

I'm also a musicain too. I know how it is sometimes when i dont want to
pratice my guitar. Its actaully retarded to me sometimes.
I played the guitar since I was 8 and mostly taught myself the insgtrument. But I also had music lessons from other instruments
a couple of years before that.
And all of the music theories i had to studied gave me fucken head aches sometimes.
But I'm a very talented musician. I'm a shreader. I'll rip on an electric guitar like a crazy
madman. And I'll make it look easy too.

Aside of hearing crazy honeysuckle in my head...I hear music or scales coming out of nowhere.
When the muse sends music...she sends it. Sometimes its very difficult for my to capture
melodies that's running through my head becuase Im bussied doing other honeysuckle.
Other times when it comes to me...and i'll just out of bed to record the melody on a recorder in the middle of the night.

Maybe her creativeness comes in the sameway...not always on adults time or sechdules.

Maybe if you just sit down and explain to her....the different techiques or style of drawing ..if she learns them
will help her and assist her to better express herself.

She is a talented artist...just becuase you're not or didnt pursuit your talents..
Dont fucken kill hers....You can encourage her..but dont kill her talent.

 

[Lollipop286]

Tell her you don't have time to do her homework. She should be the one doing it, since it is HER homework. You doing it, IS considered cheating. Also Lonesome.....not wanting to do her homework is not killing her talent, it's forcing her to use it.

 

[nerdygirl]

Ugh. I think it's harder for Asian people to say no to family than it is for most other cultures. People are always so shocked by how much I've allowed my mother to dictate things in my life, especially because we have such a bad relationship... but this is the world as we know it. To say, "No" to family feels wrong down to the core, even if you're pretty sure you're right.

If you cannot just say, "No", then I think you should be more reluctant each time. Say that doing her homework makes you feel terrible. Tell them you are helping her to be a cheater and that doing her work for her steals her opportunity to learn more about art. In particular, because they say she loves it, turn that around on them. Say that since she loves art so very much, it is even more important that she does her own work. This way, she can develop her skill. Begin doing a worse job each time. Do it quickly, as if you're so bothered that you just want to hurry and finish it. When you finish, put it under something or inside of something to show that you don't even want to look at it.

 

[theSmokingRabbit]

Luckily I grew up in a rather...volatile household.

So the ability to say no came rather quickly.

The ability to say no can be gained. You'll most likely have to work your way up to just blatantly refusing something.

Distance is key at first. Does she call for you to come over or wait for you to be there? If it's the phone and she asks then tell her you have to call her back about it and simply text your denial, or if you can then call her back and say you're unable to for whatever reason.

If you're confronted in person about it then say you have a previous engagement and you are unable to.

Sadly approaching her and telling her how it is might cause a small conflict but is always an option. You know their personalities best and whether or not you can be honest and expect results.

Maybe explain to a friend that you're trying to learn how to say no so that they'll be more open to you denying something. They can even suggest times to say no.


Best of luck.

 

[IgnoredOne]

Tell her that it'll be dishonorable to cheat, and that essentially, what she is asking you is cheating. I'm Asian and my family has always placed a high value on that.

 

[miasaokim]

Thanks for all the replies, I'll try this

Tell them you are helping her to be a cheater and that doing her work for her steals her opportunity to learn more about art. In particular, because they say she loves it, turn that around on them. Say that since she loves art so very much, it is even more important that she does her own work. This way, she can develop her skill. Begin doing a worse job each time. Do it quickly, as if you're so bothered that you just want to hurry and finish it. When you finish, put it under something or inside of something to show that you don't even want to look at it.

I just hate when they say she loves it, like they lie to get my help or they think that I'm an idiot. If they just simply say she can't do it, I would feel more comfortable.

 

[RJLJD]

^they're essentially insulting your intelligence.
family should be give and take, and right now it sounds like they're taking advantage of your skills a little bit.

 

[miltonbradley]

no

 

[Lonesome Crow]

Here.s the things....Ur turning all of this into its about YOU..

Then its everybody else freaken fualt
why you gatta put up with this honeysuckle...

Say ' NO' to her parents then..
Walk away from it.. Its wont be your
problem anymore. If you cant or
dont know how to go about encouraing
or being a coach to someone..then
you simply lack those sklls...
Nothing wrong with that

Just becuase I have musical talent
dosnt necesaarry mean I have people skills. music teachings or motivational skills.

Im pretty sure they can fine another art tutor for her.

Its thier kids..they can raise her in anyway they wish to

 

[Lonesome Crow]

You clearly believe she sucks and have no talent..
So stop wasting your time and her time.

holi fresia...man
That the kind of coach i need . Someone that dosnt believing in me.

 

[fulla]

Why you dont sit with her and talk with her about that?

I think she still youger and really she needs you, so try to undersand her and deal her like your sister

Good luck dear

 

[miasaokim]

Grrrr, now I'm really piss off!
I tried to draw quickly and somewhat carelessly and they say it's good because I can do it fast! So, they still come and say "it'll only take half an hour, right?" And I have 2 opition: "yes", mean "ok, I'll do it". "No", mean they will say something like "well, you don't have to make it too professional, just do it..."
The girl is not guilty, it's her parents teach her to ask people do homework for her.
I'll talk to her, and tell her I can teach her draw, but not do it for her.
The problem with her parents is they're relative, they're not just friends so I can't say "I don't want to be your friend" and walk away.

You clearly believe she sucks and have no talent..
So stop wasting your time and her time.

holi fresia...man
That the kind of coach i need . Someone that dosnt believing in me.

Is your "music talent" so strong that it effect your "reading and understanding talent" that badly? Obviously that girl and her parents don't want an art teacher, they want a slave to do her drawing homework!

 

[IgnoredOne]

Well, inform her parents that for the best interests of the child, you cannot be doing her work for her. Heaven knows that my family has cut off other members of our family for disrespect before. Its 不正确 for you to be doing all her work, and shameful if it is seen as cheating.

LC just rambles incoherently. You're probably best ignoring him unless aimless rambles amuse you, in which case, please proceed by all means.

 

[miasaokim]

Do you think I should say it right now or wait until she asks me again? The last time she asked she said she had to handed in it the day after that, ( this is even more annoying, like I have all the time in the world and always ready for her) so I didn't say anything because as I said she's just a little girl, I don't want to push her so hard, the problem is her parents.
Hmm, a little out of topic, we human won't let a rabid dog run around parking (and maybe biting) people, right? So why is there a troublesome crow here since 2008?
ps: by the way, I'm not Chinese ^^

 

[IgnoredOne]

Do you think I should say it right now or wait until she asks me again? The last time she asked she said she had to handed in it the day after that, ( this is even more annoying, like I have all the time in the world and always ready for her) so I didn't say anything because as I said she's just a little girl, I don't want to push her so hard, the problem is her parents.
Hmm, a little out of topic, we human won't let a rabid dog run around parking (and maybe biting) people, right? So why is there a troublesome crow here since 2008?
ps: by the way, I'm not Chinese ^^

You really shouldn't talk to the girl about it - she's just a little girl at the end of the day. You should call her parents and take them aside to explain it to them; they should be adults and they need to revise their expectations. Try to frame things in terms of positivity for their daughter, and explain how your constant intervention does not help, but detracts from her self-improvement. Offer to occasionally check up or assist, but you cannot solve her assignment for her and I'm sure you have a wealth of life experience regarding the artistic process on why exactly that won't work.