How would you handle it?

[GraceBlossom]

Hi this will be a long one, sorry and I now to some it won't be a big deal.

Anyway I had this Mum acquanitance in the school yard her daughter and my daughter get along very well. So naturally we have got more friendly had brews at each others houses and stuff. But, as I got to know her I found her more and more annoying, but thought she is a nice person I have to stop being critical. For instance she has no personal space boundaries and stands very close to your face when talking to you and sometimes she got aggressive the way she spoke, itbwas unerving at times. Also on more than one occassion she has made racist comments and I have had call her on it, she just gave me a funny look.

So I should mention she is a nurse in the local hospital. Afew months ago not long after my Mum had passed away she posted on Facebook a picture at the top in big black letters it said Elderley Patients. Underneath it had a picture of the cute Mogwi and it said Day and then a pic of a Gremlin and said Night. I was really hurt to think that nurses possibly felt that way about patients like my Mum. I was appalled to see her colleagues liking it. Anyway my best friend saw it and hit the roof and had a go at her, said she was going complain to the hospital and all she could say was that we had took it the wrong way. That was it for me I unfriended her, but she started bombarding me with messages say what a good person she was. I ended up blocking her and her number on my phone. I made it clear to my daughter that they should still be friends. The next day she was in my face outside school again saying she never hurts peoole, it was all about her. I just said to her I was done I don't like her and I wanted to her to leave me alone...

But now she keeps trying to make friends. Sending messages through people and get facebook to make me join??? I am at a good place in my life where I don't want negative peoole in it. It has been months and she still takes no for an answer.

What would you do?

 

[Edward W]

Difficult, mainly because of your daughter.

Firstly, that is not professional behaviour, in the hospital where I work you can face disiplinary action and even be fired for innappropriate actions like that on Facebook or Twitter.

All I can suggest after what you have done is to find a way to break things off she will accept, grit your teeth and smile when you tell her you just don't think you are suited, you don't get her humour.

You have stood your ground and told her you don't accept her attitude, and maybe she can't accept that, because 'everyone loves me!' Thats why she keeps bombarding you.

Good luck

 

[9006]

This is just a difference in personalities and opinions. Personally I wouldn't think it was anything bad about the picture she posted, it does not make her a bad person and people just have difference senses of humor, some places find questionable profession related content like this an act on misconduct but again personally I do not believe that it is a true reflection of how a person actually feels, I find the whole idea of 'position of reputation' a bit robotic and unfair. Often a person is offended by something like this if they have some sort of personal connection to it, with that being said there's always an element of respect but probably didn't mean any harm by it.

Anyway going off topic a bit there but it's one of those situations where (from the sounds of it) she does not understand how you're feeling about this whole thing, she's seeing you befriending her as a sign of hostility and feels the need to protest her innocence. If she is ever going to understand it's something you'll probably have to explain on her level. I would handle this by attempting to explain the best possible way I feel can to try and make her realize or understand how I feel, if this is something that does not work them the only option would be to cut her out like you've been doing but it will just take as long as it takes.

 

[Nightwing]

What was the "racist comment" you had to call her out on?

Sounds like you just have different personalities and don't get on *shrugs* it happens. Though perhaps she is persisting for the sake of her daughter? Maybe there's a worry in the back of her mind that it could end up affecting the friendship which is important to her daughter? I don't blame her if that is what is motivating her to really try and fix this. The logical solution to fix this is to convince you to like her. So that's what she's trying to do. Perhaps not helpful, but admirable nonetheless.

 

[GraceBlossom]

Thanks guys.

9006 I see what you are saying, but I just can't personally see how someone who is supposed to be in a caring profession, can think of vulnerable people like that. It is deeply personal to me, as I know how difficult my Mum was at the end because she was so scared and distressed.

I tried to explain to her the day outside the school all this but kept ignoring my words. I gave up.

Her racist comments where about how she artfully gets out of looking after the 'disgusting and filthy Pakis'. There was also an incident in the school yard with a Polish family asking them when they were going home
so our people could have their iobs back.

Maybe I am still too mad to see her good qualities.

 

[jaguarundi]

I daresay she may have good qualities. But if she feels that way about people from Pakistan or Poland, how in gods name will she have compassion in looking after them?

I would sometimes make jokes about my Mum when she had her Alzheimers, but I felt justified - she was MY mum. If anyone had done it against her or someone else I would have ******* throttled them. Her carers at home were wonderful compassionate people and I am damn sure they would not have done what this woman did.

We know that care homes have closed because of abuse from staff - it is my belief that this kind of thinking is the beginning of treating old people like 'things' - things that don't matter.

I don't think this is a personality conflict, and I think she wants to be friends with you because she wants to confirm her prejudices are OK. Or to divert you from taking action. Possibly if you are the kind of person who doesn't say much she might think she can sway you.

I don't know what you should do, but I certainly would not advise that you be her friend. I myself would feel rather inclined to get in touch with the hospital HR function and suggest that she is not a person who should be a carer without further training involving both her racist and poor attitudes to the elderly.

But that's me.

 

[9006]

9006 I see what you are saying, but I just can't personally see how someone who is supposed to be in a caring profession, can think of vulnerable people like that. It is deeply personal to me, as I know how difficult my Mum was at the end because she was so scared and distressed.

I tried to explain to her the day outside the school all this but kept ignoring my words. I gave up.

Some people can disconnect from what they think or feel in their job roles like that, others just do it as part of their job. I kinda think that this person is the latter. It sounds like the experience with your mother is influencing already controversial subject for you, you shouldn't change that for her, though. The anger you feel is also warping you're judgement as it often does; that's not to say she's a wonderful person doing no wrong that you're not seeing, but I always find that when I calm down I can see things with more clarity.

If she's ignoring your words then it's kinda telling me what kind of person she is, it's probably something you have to cope with until it fades out. In her mind you're probably just mad and it's only a matter of time until you make up again, once she realizes this is a long term - permanent - thing she may eventually give up.

 

[ucxb]

Keep on keeping the distance / disconnect! She should tire of trying to defend herself eventually! Hopefully she does not strike a nerve or two and ya'll can be polite & such for the kiddos sake

 

[GraceBlossom]

Had an interesting talk with my Daughter yesterday. I wanted to talk about some bullying that has been going on at school. Anyway I just dropped in how were things with this girl. She replied she has been ignoring my daughter when she tries to speak to her and gives her dirty looks. I asked her if it upset her and she said a bit but she remembered what her Mum had done and said she doesn't want friends like that.

 

[jaguarundi]

Had an interesting talk with my Daughter yesterday. I wanted to talk about some bullying that has been going on at school. Anyway I just dropped in how were things with this girl. She replied she has been ignoring my daughter when she tries to speak to her and gives her dirty looks. I asked her if it upset her and she said a bit but she remembered what her Mum had done and said she doesn't want friends like that.

The wisdom of kids!

 

[Nightwing]

Had an interesting talk with my Daughter yesterday. I wanted to talk about some bullying that has been going on at school. Anyway I just dropped in how were things with this girl. She replied she has been ignoring my daughter when she tries to speak to her and gives her dirty looks. I asked her if it upset her and she said a bit but she remembered what her Mum had done and said she doesn't want friends like that.

We do imitate our adult role models as children.... maybe it's for the best?

 

[GraceBlossom]

Well I told my Dad shortly after writing this and he told me he had already complained. Anyway heard she had received a written warning about it, and sent on a course for looking after patients with dementia. Not sure how I feel about it.

 

[jaguarundi]

Well I told my Dad shortly after writing this and he told me he had already complained. Anyway heard she had received a written warning about it, and sent on a course for looking after patients with dementia. Not sure how I feel about it.

In the circumstances of her employment, at this point it is the best that can have been achieved. The fact she has been complained about, warned and sent on a course should hopefully mean that there will be people keeping an eye on her in future.

I am guessing you might have wanted her sacked ? Probably not a realistic option, and who knows, the training may have really made her think. And a true convert is worth a great deal because they come to understand how their previous attitudes were rubbish.

One can only hope. And good for everyone who saw this problem! It validates your opinion on this issue 100% I would say

 

[GraceBlossom]

Thanks Jag, I don't think I wanted her sacked, maybe because of her kids. I just really hope she takes something from this. On the contact thing she finally got the message.

 

[Triple Bogey]

Hi this will be a long one, sorry and I now to some it won't be a big deal.

Anyway I had this Mum acquanitance in the school yard her daughter and my daughter get along very well. So naturally we have got more friendly had brews at each others houses and stuff. But, as I got to know her I found her more and more annoying, but thought she is a nice person I have to stop being critical. For instance she has no personal space boundaries and stands very close to your face when talking to you and sometimes she got aggressive the way she spoke, itbwas unerving at times. Also on more than one occassion she has made racist comments and I have had call her on it, she just gave me a funny look.

So I should mention she is a nurse in the local hospital. Afew months ago not long after my Mum had passed away she posted on Facebook a picture at the top in big black letters it said Elderley Patients. Underneath it had a picture of the cute Mogwi and it said Day and then a pic of a Gremlin and said Night. I was really hurt to think that nurses possibly felt that way about patients like my Mum. I was appalled to see her colleagues liking it. Anyway my best friend saw it and hit the roof and had a go at her, said she was going complain to the hospital and all she could say was that we had took it the wrong way. That was it for me I unfriended her, but she started bombarding me with messages say what a good person she was. I ended up blocking her and her number on my phone. I made it clear to my daughter that they should still be friends. The next day she was in my face outside school again saying she never hurts peoole, it was all about her. I just said to her I was done I don't like her and I wanted to her to leave me alone...

But now she keeps trying to make friends. Sending messages through people and get facebook to make me join??? I am at a good place in my life where I don't want negative peoole in it. It has been months and she still takes no for an answer.

What would you do?

Keep on ignoring her and she will probably leave you alone eventually !

 

[MTrip]

If I'd gone through something like that, the next time I saw her or was contacted by her I'd tell her that I don't like her at all & to go piss up a rope/take a long walk off a short pier/whatever dismissive metaphor you want to use. Some people are too oblivious to perceive subtlety, & it sounds like the woman you described is one of them.

 

[zibafu]

My nanna and grandad used to work at a local hospital for a short while - my grandad was what is called a porter here and my nanna a cleaner.

A porter in a hospital is basically someone who would move deceased patients around and stuff like that, apparently some of the other porters found it hilarious taking a deceased person who has stiffened due to rigor mortis and put them in "funny positions" he complained and left, so did my nanna since its obviously very disrespectful (and I think probably very illegal)

As for posting a picture of a mogwi and a gremlin... meh, tbh that's no big deal, she didn't post a picture of a patient, she just made a joke. Think about how stressful nursing actually is for these people, how stressed out doctors are as well, they have to release that pent up stuff somehow and so long as they aren't doing it like the porters are my local hospital were doing, I don't see an issue. Working in any field for a long time changes your perceptions of things and what you find amusing, upsetting, angry, sad etc.

This is about perception that is all.

The thing is as well... how to put it... Just because something offends you doesn't automatically make you correct.

However, if you don't agree with it, no one here including myself would judge you poorly for telling this woman to do one

 

[GraceBlossom]

Nursing is stressful, but there are hundreds of other ways of dealing with stress, than in such a disrespectful way to the sick elderly. Nursing is a caring vocation, it takes a special person to do this, and the people who genuinely care don't behave towards humans like she has done over and again.

 

[Cavey]

Speaking as someone who has spent more time than he'd like to visiting elderly people in hospital, I've seen some great nurses and I've seen others that just seem to be counting the minutes until their shift ends. It's just a job to them and nothing more... You're supposed to get into the medical profession because you want to help and care for those that cannot help themselves. If you get to the point that it's 'just a job', then do everyone a favour and find another profession.

Having said this, I don't have the words to express just how amazing the good nurses are. They were the only thing that got my relatives through the day once visiting hours were over. They treated my relatives with dignity and respect and never made them feel like they were a burden.

I don't know how you can deal with this particular woman. If you've tried ignoring her and you've tried calling her on her behaviour and she still hasn't got the message, then the only real option left is to make it abundantly clear that you do not require her friendship. The problem with this is that you're going to keep bumping into each other at your kid's school and that's going to be extremely awkward, so if you can just put up with it, perhaps that would be a better option.

 

[zibafu]

Nursing is stressful, but there are hundreds of other ways of dealing with stress, than in such a disrespectful way to the sick elderly. Nursing is a caring vocation, it takes a special person to do this, and the people who genuinely care don't behave towards humans like she has done over and again.

ofc I agree with you on that, however no one can tell anyone how to deal with stress, is it tasteless ? yeah, but every single one of us has done something in the past that offends someone else.

Humor is a way of dealing with stress, different people find humor in different ways, that's just the way it is.

If you don't agree with her humor then just tell her to get lost.