I feel the same. For years I have looked for some kind of reset button. I don't know what the solution is, I truly believe there is none. I believe some people like me, our souls will just never be happy. Never be satisfied or content. The way we want things to be, the things we believe in, will never be reality. They will never happen. You are on the other side of the wall, you will never win. You will never live a normal life. You will never see, or think about things like others. You are, an outcast, an outsider, the loser in a room full of winners. The most painful part, is when it's out of your control, period, forever, and always. That is THE most hardest part. It could take until your last dying breath to come to terms with your life, and your circumstances being out of your control. It is one of the most hardest, soul-wrenching things next to having a family member murdered, die in front of you, or a dead-at-birth twin.
I frown upon people who say that everything bad and unfortunate that happens to a person, and everything that life presents to a person, is their choice, their doing, their fault. What they are really saying is that the world is a perfect place, everything is fine, and if you have an issue with something, it's you. This is a totally crackpot ideology that has been forcefully programmed into people. Sorry guys, the world is far from perfect, life is far from perfect, what I am trying to point out here is the just-world fallacy.
http://youarenotsosmart.com/2010/06/07/the-just-world-fallacy/