I Failed

[Jesse]

I have figured out quite a lot of things lately, but I still can't overcome my fears.

I was at a friend's party last night. She wanted me to meet one of her friends (She was trying to find me a date). Her friend wasn't supposed to arrive until later on in the party.

About 30 minutes before her friend was supposed to get there I got scared. There were a lot of people at the party I didn't know. I began wandering around not really knowing my place or what I was supposed to do. I began to freak out. I quietly slipped away to my car and left without saying anything to anyone. I made up an excuse as to why I did this, but I will tell my friend the truth- that I was afraid.

I even find myself afraid to talk to people on this site. I have a terrible time trusting and even when people PM me I try to find ways to get them to quit.

I know what my fears are, I know why I have those fears, and I know what I must do to get over them. I must do the opposite of those fears. The truth is I just can't get myself to do it. I can't get myself to believe there's nothing wrong with me and that people can like me on a friend or relationship level.

At the party, I found myself wanting to be in my room at home where I would be safe. I want to find someone I can be close with, but I won't let it happen. I remain lonely.

 

[lomojojo]

OH! Jesse I am really sorry to hear that!. I don't know maybe us shy souls belong somewhere else. It's frusrtrating isn't it? I read you 100%. I know fear stops me from doing many things and I really don't know how to handle it. I don't have any advice to offer just sympathy (hug)

 

[Calm]

I have figured out quite a lot of things lately, but I still can't overcome my fears.

I was at a friend's party last night. She wanted me to meet one of her friends (She was trying to find me a date). Her friend wasn't supposed to arrive until later on in the party.

About 30 minutes before her friend was supposed to get there I got scared. There were a lot of people at the party I didn't know. I began wandering around not really knowing my place or what I was supposed to do. I began to freak out. I quietly slipped away to my car and left without saying anything to anyone. I made up an excuse as to why I did this, but I will tell my friend the truth- that I was afraid.

I even find myself afraid to talk to people on this site. I have a terrible time trusting and even when people PM me I try to find ways to get them to quit.

I know what my fears are, I know why I have those fears, and I know what I must do to get over them. I must do the opposite of those fears. The truth is I just can't get myself to do it. I can't get myself to believe there's nothing wrong with me and that people can like me on a friend or relationship level.

At the party, I found myself wanting to be in my room at home where I would be safe. I want to find someone I can be close with, but I won't let it happen. I remain lonely.

Have you told about that to your friend yet? You are lucky to actually have such a friend, be thankful. Maybe next time she can invite you to some social groups?

Obviously, you were at the party, but sober. Get a little bit of drunk before party, then loosen up a bit doing small talk with your friend for example. Then get a bit more drunk and you should have the courage to meet new people, especially if there is mutual drunkedness in the air.

I don't support drinking for being drunk, but sometimes there has to be an exception I guess. Things are often easier said than done, but once you have made that first step of interaction, everything comes up much easier.

I've been to social gatherings completely alone, the main rule in this is to not look like dork. Don't stand there in the corner holding your glass and looking passers by with envious face. Try to look buzy. Walk around, look at stuff more closely. Do you like music? If so, you can dance (which can be very hard thing to do if you are antisocial and shy, but it might be worth it), don't worry about being alone. Wave to some female while doing this and see her reaction, but don't take anything too seriously. If you are in some smaller show/concert, ask about the band etc from someone. Small talk like this can get you warmed up for future, more risky conversations. I suppose you don't smoke. I don't smoke either but notice that smokers always have advantage in social gatherings, asking for light etc, then having a smoke together in the enviornment that supports more personal conversations. Key thing is to find that enviornment in small things, like while waiting for your beer class to be filled up. Make a small but friendly comment about someones elses comment, with confidence. If you don't have confidence, fake it.

But if you know yourself and been drunk enough in the past to realize drunkedness gives you negative feeling, like me, I don't recommend it.

 

[ShybutHi]

I dont have any advice really because i am the same, i know exactly what thats like Jesse, i get anxious too if there are alot of people around i dont know aswell alot of the time, i start getting all paranoid and really "on edge" (atleast if its a party or something im not so bad in a pub or club but i still cant talk to people i dont know very well especially if its a girl i find attractive).
Personally, i get a bit better at socializing if im a bit drunk though and am able to sometimes spark conversation's with people i dont know, but still, compared to the general population i suck at social gatherings with people i dont know. lol

 

[EveWasFramed]

You will get there, Jesse. I know you will. I know you lack confidence in yourself, but I know the person you are and I admire you for it - I always have. Give yourself more time. At least you WENT to the party, right? That was more than you'd been able to do previously, right? This will take some time...don't rush yourself. Baby steps, honey....baby steps. (((hugs)))

 

[mrmosaic]

Man I wouldn't reccomend starting to rely on getting drunk to ease your social anxiety at ALL!! You will just be just masking an issue. I feel your pain however. I find it easier and more enjoyable to be in small group than "parties" where I'm not sure of how I fit. Maybe you're a person that would prefer less but closer frienships/social gatherings. Good Luck!

 

[SophiaGrace]

I agree with eve, you will get there. Just don't give up. You only really fail when you give up.

You know, I don't consider myself to have social anxiety, but I've left parties before when no one was talking to me.

I think with parties you have to be more proactive, think of it like an offline version of a chatroom, where one chatroom might represent a cluster of people gathered in a room's corner at a party. You just add to the conversation when you feel like you have something relevant to say.

 

[ShybutHi]

I agree with eve, you will get there. Just don't give up. You only really fail when you give up.

You know, I don't consider myself to have social anxiety, but I've left parties before when no one was talking to me.

I think with parties you have to be more proactive, think of it like an offline version of a chatroom, where one chatroom might represent a cluster of people gathered in a room's corner at a party. You just add to the conversation when you feel like you have something relevant to say.

Its not so easy, if all your life you have been the quiet one in the corner then to just start inputting into conversation's with people you dont know is really hard... I personally go basically mute in alot of situations and think whatever i have to say just isnt relevant or will make me look like an idiot. Its probably because of such a lack of experience being the one people are focusing on in a group when you make a comment and it sometimes forces you to add more to the conversation. If you feel anxious when you are the centre of attention it can sometimes make your mind go blank and that is such a horrible situation to be in.

 

[VanillaCreme]

Jesse, it's only failure if you refuse to get back up and try again. Next time, maybe go to a smaller gathering. Or maybe a movie night type thing, where you don't really have to talk during the movie. Something little makes a big difference.

 

[SophiaGrace]

I agree with eve, you will get there. Just don't give up. You only really fail when you give up.

You know, I don't consider myself to have social anxiety, but I've left parties before when no one was talking to me.

I think with parties you have to be more proactive, think of it like an offline version of a chatroom, where one chatroom might represent a cluster of people gathered in a room's corner at a party. You just add to the conversation when you feel like you have something relevant to say.

Its not so easy, if all your life you have been the quiet one in the corner then to just start inputting into conversation's with people you dont know is really hard... I personally go basically mute in alot of situations and think whatever i have to say just isnt relevant or will make me look like an idiot. Its probably because of such a lack of experience being the one people are focusing on in a group when you make a comment and it sometimes forces you to add more to the conversation. If you feel anxious when you are the centre of attention it can sometimes make your mind go blank and that is such a horrible situation to be in.

I didn't say it was easy and it has been hard for people like you and Jesse. I was just comparing the situation to one that Jesse has been in before, to make it possibly easier for him when he is at parties.

Oh and btw great suggestions nilla.

 

[ShybutHi]

I didn't say it was easy and it has been hard for people like you and Jesse. I was just comparing the situation to one that Jesse has been in before, to make it possibly easier for him when he is at parties.

Oh and btw great suggestions nilla.

Yeah, i agree with what you were saying and was just commenting on why it can be so hard. The way forward is definatly to just try and add to the conversation whenever you can i think just like you said. I wish it wasnt so hard sometimes and i wish i had more confidence to do this.

 

[SophiaGrace]

I didn't say it was easy and it has been hard for people like you and Jesse. I was just comparing the situation to one that Jesse has been in before, to make it possibly easier for him when he is at parties.

Oh and btw great suggestions nilla.

Yeah, i agree with what you were saying and was just commenting on why it can be so hard. The way forward is definatly to just try and add to the conversation whenever you can i think just like you said. I wish it wasnt so hard sometimes and i wish i had more confidence to do this.

Confidence, I've found, comes from setting goals and achieving them. Start small, and work up. Also, taking care of yourself, your appearance, will make others view you differently, and this "force" will work it's way in from the outside. I believe we are a combination of what we think of ourself and what others think of us.

Eating well will make you feel better about yourself too, even though it's something that people can't physically see, your energy levels might go up and your moods might even out and in THIS way you might feel better.

Be kind to yourself, love yourself in these ways. You deserve it. You deserve to be respected, you deserve to be loved, you deserve to have friends and to partake in small-talk patter at a cock-tail party (or whatever party it might be lol). <3

Life is a series of steps, not a quantum leap from one cliff edge to another over a gaping canyon.

((((((((((((((((((((((shybuthi))))))))))))))))

 

[csmswhs]

i feel so bad for your sorrow. you didn't fail at anything.

your a wonderful person. there is nothing wrong with you. to me, there is so much more right about you.

some things are overrated, i truly hope you find a meaningful lasting relationship with someone you can relate to and is as wonderful as you are.

 

[Badjedidude]

Hm interesting , seems like my posts are getting erased.

Then you're probably saying things that have no place on this site.

Talk to mods about it.

 

[Sean]

I have figured out quite a lot of things lately, but I still can't overcome my fears.

I was at a friend's party last night. She wanted me to meet one of her friends (She was trying to find me a date). Her friend wasn't supposed to arrive until later on in the party.

About 30 minutes before her friend was supposed to get there I got scared. There were a lot of people at the party I didn't know. I began wandering around not really knowing my place or what I was supposed to do. I began to freak out. I quietly slipped away to my car and left without saying anything to anyone. I made up an excuse as to why I did this, but I will tell my friend the truth- that I was afraid.

I even find myself afraid to talk to people on this site. I have a terrible time trusting and even when people PM me I try to find ways to get them to quit.

I know what my fears are, I know why I have those fears, and I know what I must do to get over them. I must do the opposite of those fears. The truth is I just can't get myself to do it. I can't get myself to believe there's nothing wrong with me and that people can like me on a friend or relationship level.

At the party, I found myself wanting to be in my room at home where I would be safe. I want to find someone I can be close with, but I won't let it happen. I remain lonely.

I get anxious a lot also.
Which is why i've haven't been social for awhile.

Maybe just try being honest with your friends on how you're feeling.
I don't think they'd mind hanging around places you feel more confortable at.

And in that situation . . you should be proud you were comfortable for 30 mins!
If I was completely comfortable for a half an hour when i'm in a new place with strange people waiting to meet a girl. . i'd be sooo proud of myself lol.
Aha . . i'd be soo impatient and anxious. I'd probably have left within 5 mins. . no joke.

Don't give up.
Just gotta stay positive . . keep going out of your comfort zone . . it'll make you stronger.

Best of luck.

 

[Jesse]

OH! Jesse I am really sorry to hear that!. I don't know maybe us shy souls belong somewhere else. It's frusrtrating isn't it? I read you 100%. I know fear stops me from doing many things and I really don't know how to handle it. I don't have any advice to offer just sympathy (hug)

(hug) It is frustrating. I hope we can both get over these things. Maybe there is some other place for shy people. Wait, that's this place isn't it?

Have you told about that to your friend yet? You are lucky to actually have such a friend, be thankful. Maybe next time she can invite you to some social groups?

Obviously, you were at the party, but sober. Get a little bit of drunk before party, then loosen up a bit doing small talk with your friend for example. Then get a bit more drunk and you should have the courage to meet new people, especially if there is mutual drunkedness in the air.

I don't support drinking for being drunk, but sometimes there has to be an exception I guess. Things are often easier said than done, but once you have made that first step of interaction, everything comes up much easier.

I've been to social gatherings completely alone, the main rule in this is to not look like dork. Don't stand there in the corner holding your glass and looking passers by with envious face. Try to look buzy. Walk around, look at stuff more closely. Do you like music? If so, you can dance (which can be very hard thing to do if you are antisocial and shy, but it might be worth it), don't worry about being alone. Wave to some female while doing this and see her reaction, but don't take anything too seriously. If you are in some smaller show/concert, ask about the band etc from someone. Small talk like this can get you warmed up for future, more risky conversations. I suppose you don't smoke. I don't smoke either but notice that smokers always have advantage in social gatherings, asking for light etc, then having a smoke together in the enviornment that supports more personal conversations. Key thing is to find that enviornment in small things, like while waiting for your beer class to be filled up. Make a small but friendly comment about someones elses comment, with confidence. If you don't have confidence, fake it.

But if you know yourself and been drunk enough in the past to realize drunkedness gives you negative feeling, like me, I don't recommend it.

Thank you for your advice. I haven't told her yet. It was the afterparty of her wedding and so she is gone on her honeymoon. I'll sit down with the bride and groom and talk to them about it. They'll understand. They're good friends of mine. Drinking is not good for me- it makes me feel like crap. I really don't think you can fake confidence. I really think the party/bar scene just isn't my thing.

I dont have any advice really because i am the same, i know exactly what thats like Jesse, i get anxious too if there are alot of people around i dont know aswell alot of the time, i start getting all paranoid and really "on edge" (atleast if its a party or something im not so bad in a pub or club but i still cant talk to people i dont know very well especially if its a girl i find attractive).
Personally, i get a bit better at socializing if im a bit drunk though and am able to sometimes spark conversation's with people i dont know, but still, compared to the general population i suck at social gatherings with people i dont know. lol

Well we're about on the same level there. I know we both have it in us to get social skills. We just have to keep working on it.

You will get there, Jesse. I know you will. I know you lack confidence in yourself, but I know the person you are and I admire you for it - I always have. Give yourself more time. At least you WENT to the party, right? That was more than you'd been able to do previously, right? This will take some time...don't rush yourself. Baby steps, honey....baby steps. (((hugs)))

((hugs)) Thanks Eve. I'm getting there, I just had a bad night I think. Baby steps... sounds like a plan.

Man I wouldn't reccomend starting to rely on getting drunk to ease your social anxiety at ALL!! You will just be just masking an issue. I feel your pain however. I find it easier and more enjoyable to be in small group than "parties" where I'm not sure of how I fit. Maybe you're a person that would prefer less but closer frienships/social gatherings. Good Luck!

You're right. I agree that drinking just masks the problem. I don't want to do that. I do think I prefer smaller groups with mostly people I know. Maybe I need to rethink things a little bit. Maybe I'm trying to fit in somewhere that I just don't belong.

I agree with eve, you will get there. Just don't give up. You only really fail when you give up.

You know, I don't consider myself to have social anxiety, but I've left parties before when no one was talking to me.

I think with parties you have to be more proactive, think of it like an offline version of a chatroom, where one chatroom might represent a cluster of people gathered in a room's corner at a party. You just add to the conversation when you feel like you have something relevant to say.

Well maybe, but if you "lurk" at a party you're a weirdo, not like the chatroom. You do have to be really active at parties. I'm not giving up.

Jesse, it's only failure if you refuse to get back up and try again. Next time, maybe go to a smaller gathering. Or maybe a movie night type thing, where you don't really have to talk during the movie. Something little makes a big difference.

Thanks Nilla. I won't refuse to try again. A movie night would be pretty cool, like a group thing.

i feel so bad for your sorrow. you didn't fail at anything.

your a wonderful person. there is nothing wrong with you. to me, there is so much more right about you.

some things are overrated, i truly hope you find a meaningful lasting relationship with someone you can relate to and is as wonderful as you are.

Well thank you so much. I hope that happens for both of us.

I get anxious a lot also.
Which is why i've haven't been social for awhile.

Maybe just try being honest with your friends on how you're feeling.
I don't think they'd mind hanging around places you feel more confortable at.

And in that situation . . you should be proud you were comfortable for 30 mins!
If I was completely comfortable for a half an hour when i'm in a new place with strange people waiting to meet a girl. . i'd be sooo proud of myself lol.
Aha . . i'd be soo impatient and anxious. I'd probably have left within 5 mins. . no joke.

Don't give up.
Just gotta stay positive . . keep going out of your comfort zone . . it'll make you stronger.

Best of luck.

Well I actually was there a lot longer than 30 minutes. The lady I was supposed to meet wasn't going to arrive until a certain time. When it was about 30 minutes before she was supposed to get there is when I started getting super anxious.

Best of luck to you too man. We both gotta keep pushing ourselves out of our comfort zones or we won't get where we want to be!

 

[BitterLove]

I find the best thing is to have a partner. Someone who knows what your going through and will just sort of follow you around and keep you company. Someone to carry on the conversation with other ppl if your comments fail to provide new threads. Someone you can look at and they will know to get you out of there or encourage you. Basically they are there for you, not for their own entertainment. I would do that, I have done that for people, but I dont ever see it done by others :/

 

[EuroAsiaSpice]

I've had this problem too, and it takes a while to get over.

You might have to get used to the fact that everyone will not appreciate ALL qualities of you, however you must be comfortable with yourself enough to NOT CARE what other people think. It takes a while to get used to each socio-dome and cultural group, since each has it's own unique set of rules to follow. But really, if you don't fit ina group, that group isn't for you. If they like you for your pure natural self, than it's perfect.

You'll never find out unless you become your pure natural self around other people. Of course I always believe there is a balance to everything though.

But yeah, self-confidence.

 

[Mr.shankly]

I would never use the word FAILED......you didnt fail at anything....it happened for whatever reasons.

I dont know what to suggest. When you go to the next party it will be on your mind wht happened at the last, causing anxiety. I find the best thing for anxiety is excercise.....go for a long walk and have a long bath before you go. I used to get anxious at meetings at work, because i felt i could not just walk out. I told the manager and she said if you dont feel right , just get up and leave . the fact that i had that freedom helped me.....so tell a few close freinds. i always felt better to be near a door also.

Reguarding drink, i would not get drunk, but a couple would not do any harm and relax you.

Before you leave the house put on your loudest fav song....and join in, and shout ...." swear words...... i can do it !"