I feel like ****, and I deserve it

[Luke_S]

I've recently come to the conclusion that I have managed to **** up several relationships because I sometimes have these 'bad times' and during those times, lol, you don't wanna know me.

When I get in bad moods, I simply find it hard to be myself and be friendly to other people, or I would get way too assertive, but the thing is I don't mean to be like this and knowing that I'm acting like a total ******* at the time just makes it even worse. Its like a build up of negative energy and the only way to get it out would be to have a few miniutes alone, and shout at the top of my ******' lungs to get rid of it all.

I'm not sure how I get like this, but the last time it happened (a few days ago), a few hours before I was thinking of an old friend that owes me £230, and how the cheap ******* brought a nintendo wii instead of paying me back, then I was on messenger, and you know how some girls like to leave the guy hanging for awhile, well I just let rip, because I was so pissed off. (she had already missed two occasions when we were going to meet, but I played it cool and collective at the time) But I couldn't retain myself after thinking of all this ****, and I just had a totally uncalled for outburst...

I feel terrible from this now, I called off the whole thing with her myself because I knew I'd totally ****** it up even though shes lucky I was tolerant of how she stitched me up twice, I just didn't want to her to think I was one of those guys that makes a huge deal of those things, and really I'm not because my usual state of mind is pretty calm and collected.

I have no self forgivness for what I have done, it was my own fault, should never have taken it out on another person, and I totally deserve the consequences. I've been able to handle myself when I'm like this most of the time, and when some people deliberatley just take the ******* piss, especially when it's from someone you used to trust, I find it hard to chill because I've given it to myself to never let anyone treat me like **** or walk over me again, I just loose myself and I always end up being the one feeling like a complete ****, trying to pick up the peices...

I realise its more respectfull to not let things like this get to you, to be more emotionally intelligent or not to lower yourself to there level, but now and then when I know people are trying to play me like a deck of cards, or are deliberatley trying to abuse the fact that I never want to resort to anger, it can really push me.

Its funny because I am a really friendly guy besides having things like this get to me. I think maybe whats sets it off is being with the wrong people, the sort of people that are immature, rude, and make fun of others (a lot of my old friends are like this). I get along really well with down to earth, mature people, about pretty much anything, its just these guys that are set out to screw people over I detest, and I often find myself looking out for others too when I know there being treated like this.

I don't know what to think of it, I'm like a nice guy that isn't afraid to stand up to the ********? But sometimes it can affect my mood slightly, making my personality take on a 'dark' quality, and I find it strange how some girls actually find this kind of thing attractive, lol!

 

[Lonesome Crow]

Maybe you can alter your releasing/letting go methdoe, while dealing with others.
It's difficult during the heat of the moment.

I think releasing your anger is a very healthy thing to do for me.
I had to get into therapy to allow myself to do this.
Stuff'in my anger leads to depression.
I used to drive in my car or get on my motocycle and scream.
Sometimes I'll just drive out into nature and just scream or break stuff.

Venting is good.

I used to work at a power plant...there's a couple of steam releave valves.
Thank god...those releave valves gets activated everyday.
If the boiler blows up...it would really cuase major distructions.

I work the 12 steps program..
Sometimes some poeple trip out becuase I tell them to **** off and die.
It's a spiritaul program...however I'm not spineless or a doormat.

Most of the time I'm mellow...Yeah it's like inconsiderate people just
do whatever the **** they want. Purposely and willfully hurt and ****
with people..that bugs me.
I try to aviod those people like the fucken pleague...but sometimes I can't.

While at work..I used to carry a note pad...
Bascailly I write and cusss people out.
On a bad day I'll just stab the damn thing.

Clean up your side of the street not her's.
mmm....the guilt and self damnation is not healthy either.
When you let go...you're not suppost to figure it out.

okay...step #1
I'm powerless over people, place and things and my life had become unmanageable..
The principle is accpetence...Life is whatever the **** it is suppost to be at the moment.
If I can't accept this ****...then I'll try to change it or control it.
If I try to change other people....I'm wasting my time and energy and giving people powers and control over me.
Bascailly...my buttons are getting pushed or tugged.
The only person I can change is me....

The wisdom is in the serenity prayer.

I can accept certain people are fucken retared and remove myself from a bad situation.
If i stay.... those people will push my fucken buttons then I'll get pissed off...
After I get pissed off...after the emotional rush, I'll crash. I get pissed off at myself for making an *** out of myself. (guilt)

That's why some poeple say stupid **** sometimes just to get a reaction out of you.
It has nothing to do with right or wrong..it's just to get people to react.

If I can't leave such as work or having to deal with co-workers...
I need a fucken time out to pray for the son of a *****.

There othre anger management programs or skills.
There's the sedona methdoe.

There also the brain sync or Hemi sycn.
In the hemi sync you just practice focus 12...lol
Bascailly you build an energy field around you...no one can penatrate the energy field unless you let them.
In other words...establish a healthy bondary or not leave your buttons out.

Or you can just pretend like you're teflon man....Nothing fucken sticks and just rolls off of ya
Or you can also practice not letting people rent space in your head.
Or you can go to the most natural things you did as a child...you let **** gose in one ear and out the other

 

[Luke_S]

Thanks a lot for the advice Crow, good to know I'm not the only one out there that feels this way. I think everyone has a different way of dealing with stresses, and the whole weight of the world that is layed upon peoples shoulders. I once read in one of my books that after a certain amount of practise you can be like a huge lake, anything that might happen on the surface would never affect the inner stillness of its depths.

Coming to terms with myself would mean that other people wouldn't be able to bother me as much, there will always be people around that don't care or give a damn about what they do to others, people that love to bring you down a bit, I don't want to give anyone the pleasure of knowing they've stirred me up a bit, but if I manage to stay on a different wavelength there would be no reaction whatsoever.

Ever since I've stopped running (due to an injury), I've had a lot of extra energy thats just been left for nothing. Maybe its just been left inside me waiting to blow up in any form it can take just to be released, and what would normally just go over my head is whats causing a reaction, maybe instead of letting it all become bottled up I should just concentrate on turning it into something else... whether it be exercise or creating something. I really can't wait until I'm ready to get back on the track again...

 

[Lonesome Crow]

One of the benifits of attending support groups is that you're allow to vent.
Say whatever you need to say without being judged.
That's one of the reasons why some people feel better after a meeting.

A lot of people when in earliy recovery have mental and emotional baggages.
It also depends how your were raised or the kind of enviorment you grew up in.
If you wern't allowed to process or express your emotions..you'll simply stuff it.
A person becomes emotionphobia...Guys don't cry or girl don't get angery...or getting angery is a sin.
Some people drink and use drugs to cope...which cuase more depression and chaos.
Anger and resentments gets disgusted a lot in meetings.
The number one cuase of relapse is anger/resentments for people in recovery.

yes...sometimes it's like being in the eye of the storm.
Peacful at the Center while anything surrouding you gose spining and out of control.

yes..I also read that from a book about the lake being peaceful underneath the surface
(inside of a person)..the storm on the surface (life on life's terms) cuase the waves.
While it might effect the clamness of what's below the surface for a little bit..but
over all the lake is peacful..
I belive I read from the art of happiness.

There's different litature on spirituality that pretty much have the same conception
of how to find peace. Bascailly it's about consiousness or an awakening.

When people hurt other people willfully they bacailly just operating at a lower consiousness,
basic survival or animal instinks...
We all grow through very stages of awareness.
Not to get religious...but as JC.."forgive them father for they do not know what they do"
JC also knew he couldn't change poeple. Poeple are going to do whatever the heck they're going to do.
Bascailly if I apply that teaching to my own life.
I have a litttle bit more tolerance and compassion for other as I learned to have patience for myself.
Personally...usually when I get angery or fearful...it was becuase I was in some type of PAIN.

For me presonally ...it was through accepting my ex-gf as she is at this or past moments and what she did.
She simply did the best that she could at her level of consiousness.

I felt very, very angery at her...I felt she hurted me more than anyone ever had in my life.
At the sametime she nevered stop to listen or had a heart to heart communication with me.
Bascailly I felt like my emotions were being obpress and surpressed.
And if I get pissed of becuase she empty our bank account gambling..she quickly pionted out I was a ********
for getting pissed off or had anger problems...Errrr ?!?
I'm also aware that she was bacailly running away from her pains...
She went on a gambling and drinking binge after the death of her father and the death of our twins.
I went into enabling ..becuase everytime she try to stay sober..she was in constant pain. Grieving
and dreaming about our children, talking about to our dead children and her father all the time.

This was how I was able to let go of my anger towards her and not carry that hate inside of me anymore.
I still love her as a person...even though I won't live with her anymore. Our relationship turned toxic
and unhealthy. I had to work through a lot of guilt of loving her or faling to keep the relationship together.

I was very angery at my ex from destroying the relationship I had with Jenni.
My ex-gf gave me a lot of guilt for loving another woman after she bascailly told me to go out and find one,
while she was on her gambling bindge. In her eyes... I cheated on her. Yet she could never keep any of her
promises or responsiblities.
I also felt very angery at myself for not being able to break away from the toxic realtionship...
Jenni gave me an altimatum. Jenni love me very much and felt like she was being strung alone
through all the mess but was willing to stand by me. Then Jenni died. I felt angery at myself
for taking Jenni's love and life for granted.

So in a way..I wasn't any differnt than my ex-gf.
Sherry took me for granted...I took Jenni for granted.

But I went through the samething while I was going through my divioced.
I couldn't let go of my ex-wf and the entire time Lori was loving me with all her heart.

So I feel stupid and ******** for making the same mistake again in my life.

Somewhere alone the line I'm going to have to come to terms with myself and find peace.

I hope you get back on track and get well soon too.

 

[Naval_Fluff]

I agree with Crow, venting is something you can't live without. You've just gotta get it all out. If you just sit there and stew on it for days or years, eventually you're gonna explode over the tiniest thing that sets you off.