I feel so rejected

[HappyYogi]

(I posted this on another board...but wanted to get all responses)

Hello All~

I want to share with you something that happened about 3 years ago. I haven't talked about this much with anyone but I realized this board would be an understanding board so I wanted to take the opportunity to get your opinion.

When my mom died I started emailing an elderly family member my aunt. I was 38 at the time, she was 71, I believe.

We had our differences but, I felt, we had a lot in common. We both love animals, creative stuff, crafts, animals, travel. We were both good emailers and both knew how to express ourselves in words. We sent each other long emails. I liked having her there and discussing things. The only differences were politics, I believe but I am big believer in tolerance....I can be friends with someone I don't agree with politically. I have to, most of my social circle I do not share much of they think politically. I try to appreciate people for who they are and dont' expect them to be just like me. Oh, the other thing is our manner and attitude. My aunt is very sophisticated and "effected" while I am more simple and humble.

One day I noticed she just stopped emailing. She did not tell me why. I did try to start things up again with a "how are you doing"? email but she only answered me curtly and I let it be. I got the hint she didn't want contact anymore. I haven't heard from her in years...not even during Christmas.

Why did this happen? I can only guess. It happened right after I mentioned that I had avoidant personality disorder. It is pretty mild...I like to be social and love conversing with others...but I do have social anxiety issues. It was after that that she slipped away from me.

This really made me angry. Angry I would be rejected for this. Angry she couldn't just accept me (as I accept her) and try to understand. I am a nice, intelligent, friendly, supportive person. I am told I am charming and often witty. I am a good emailer and I am KIND. We had similar interests. Yet she rejected me.

I can't believe that I haven't been worthy enough for her to tell me why and that it's been years since she's been in my life. I can't believe she values me so little!

Anyone have an experience like that?

I have to say, and this makes me feel a bit better, my aunt is not a very kind or understanding woman. She is very talkative, very intellectual and interesting but kind? Not really. She is full of all sorts of judgements/fault finding. The reason the conversation came up where I shared something so personal about myself is when she was bad mouthing an ex friend of hers! She was accusing her ex friend (who is just like her by the way) of having a personality disorder (as IF my aunt doesn't have one!) and I piped up "well, a lot of people have personality disorders"...like it wasn't that big of a deal and certainly not something to reject someone over.

It was after that she faded away....

She also was a great beauty in her youth but never had nice relationships with men. I think it's because they know she is just not that nice.

But even knowing this about her...that she is not very loving/understanding/tolerant and that she is judgemental/hard on others...it still smarts and I still wish I knew her. I didn't like these hard/mean qualities in her but I still wish I knew her...does that make sense?

How do you deal when things like this happen? I am OK now but still, I wonder, why? Why couldn't she have accepted me? I feel so worthless to be let go of so easily. I was so kind and nice to her...and still not worth it? I can't believe I wasn't even worth a Christmas card! I can't believe I was rejected because of a problem I have had. I am still nice, I am still fun, I still have good qualities.

How does one deal with the damaged self esteem when these things happen? How do you deal?

I want to be free of this icky feeling of I have of a diminished sense of self because of her rejection. She isn't even that nice. She was often rude and invalidating...blech I hate that. In fact, I don't want it to effect my self esteem but I can't help but wonder what is so horrible about me that she had to totally cut me out of her life?

 

[evanescencefan91]

that's terrible happy yogi I'm very sorry about that, and espicailly since she's your aunt that's really mean of her,

my junoir year of highschool, my best friend of about 9 years, stopped talking to me, and she never told me why, I tried talking to her, but she wouldn't say anything. To this day I still don't know what pissed her off, or why the hell, she couldn't talk to me about it, I always though she was mature enough to talk about it if something came up. Last i heard was she got married and moved across thee country

I still think about it from time to time, and the sadness is still there although it's less intense

just the question of why, and what I did drives me crazy,

but I don't know, there was nothing else I could do, just had to move on finish highschool, eat sleep do homework the works,

as much as I wanted to, my body and social morals wouldn't just let me lay down and die

lame i know, I talked about this many times

not be terribly harsh or jump to conlcuions, but when you said she was 71, you know that she is ok, and she hasn't fallen down the stairs and broke her wrists making it incapable of her writting back to you? Maybe her internet is out?

I'm sure you've already looked into that, have you talked with any other family members about it?

I wish I could be more help, it seems weird that saying you had an avoidant personality disorder would piss her off or something,

maybe she was afriad you would decide to avoid her or stop talking to her, and she made a premtive break up

ohh buffy season 8 finalie refernce

*sad*

tbut first THERE IS NOTHING HORRIBLE ABOUT YOU!

you are an awesome and sweet guy to chat with his old aunt like that you are nice and thoughtful guy, and you said she was rude and invalidating

sometimes other people are well trying to put this cautiously since this is your aunt can be rude and mean,

and I don't know your not the only person to have this happen to you and I'm sorry man

*hugs*

sometimes people just abandon ship on relationship and friendships and such but it's not your fault man and it'll take time and a lot of soul searching or meditation, but you will feel better

*hugs*

 

[WishingWell]

I am sorry Happy Yogi and EvanescenceFan91 for the terrible situations you have gone through and that still affect you. They are hard to get over, and make you think it is all your fault.

When situations like that occur it hurts. No matter what the other person is like, it makes your self-esteem suffer and you want to try to make things "right."

I suffer from major depression, panic attacks and sever OCD.

The wound of mine is still very fresh, because this just happened a month ago.

My Sister-in-Law and I have never been close--she's been married to my Brother for 19 years now. I noticed the distance becoming worse, but I just accepted her and the way she is, because she is my Brother's wife, and she never did anything to harm me. All of a sudden one day, they came to my Sister's house where I live, and she wouldn't come inside the house. They were just stopping by to drop something off. My Sister said it was my imagination and nothing had changed. Later that week, my Brother was taking my Mother and I shopping and then had to go pick his wife up at the train after work. My Brother said that he hoped he had time to take me home first, because his wife wouldn't get in the car with me.

I was so baffled. I didn't do anything. I later found out that she didn't wan't to associate with someone that was "mentally ill" (like I chose it!). This affects my Mother too, because she said she refuses to come for the holidays anymore because she doesn't want to be in the same house as me. My Brother will not stick up for her, but, on the other hand, won't come for the holidays without her. That also means he will not be visiting my Mother much. They never invite our family to their home, not even my Mother. Her family is always there in the summer for BBQ's, etc. because they have a built in pool.

The only thing that makes me feel better is that she doesn't speak to 3 relatives in her family...one being her own Mother. My family just tolerates her.

But, my problem is that I am overly sensitive. Even though I didn't do anything wrong, I feel the need to write her a letter and apologize and ask her for us to at least be adults and ignore each other so we can be in the same room/car. Her birthday is coming up, and I am actually thinking of buying her a card.

I must be CRAZY!

 

[A new life]

Please believe me when I say that I DO NOT mean for this to sound harsh.

Let it go.
Don't ruin the present and the future by dwelling on it.
We're all a little crazy, and who knows why she did what she did?
(I've had someone do the same thing to me very recently)
You're still the same person as when she communicated with you.

My best wishes to you

 

[LGH1288]

Hi HappyYogi -- Wow, I can't blame you for feeling so hurt. My general first impression is that your Aunt is the type of person one would call a "fair weather friend". Everything was going good when you and she were discussing common interests, but the very first time you brought up difficult subject matter she quickly avoided you. I venture to guess that she's a bit on the selfish side, filling her life with people that make her feel good but rejecting anyone who expresses any form of neediness or personal problems. Like EvanFan91 said, it's not you! It's your Aunt's loss. I'm saying this with all due respect, however I'll bet she's very lonely. To have good relationships and close friends we must endeavor to care for one another in both the good and bad aspects of our lives. Selfishness will always result in loneliness. LG

 

[HappyYogi]

Evanescencefan91~

I am so sorry this happened to you. I think that when this happens and they don't tell us why it causes a lot of confusion and even more pain and it makes it harder for us to gain closure. I totally understand this and I wonder if they realize how cruel they are being leaving you hanging.

If she was ill, she could've instructed someone to call or email me to let me know what was going on. I was the last to email her, showing concern over a minor earthquake in her area and she didn't seem glad that I cared at all to ask. The ball was in her court after that and she has not contacted me since.

Other family members have been annoyed with her. When my mom was a live she always treated my aunt with open and friendly arms. My mother knew the social graces but even she got turned off to my aunt when my aunt was perceived as a "mooch" (read: selfish and self-centered). My grandmother was not too fond of her, a sister called her "bitter", and my step dad said she does not value family.

I am guessing that my disclosure made her uncomfortable and put me in a negative/unattractive light. Perhaps she thinks I am a loser, who knows?

By the way I am female.

Thank you for your thoughts.

---

Wishing Well~

Your story gave me the most pause. I can't believe how mean they are being to you.

Now, if your mental illness made you very anti-social and/or dangerous, I could understand the distancing but if it just made you a nice person with a problem, I do not understand why they have to be so rejecting. I am truly sorry.

I am confused by the "over sensitive" comment. Are you saying they are blaming you, calling you oversensitive or are you blaming yourself? I think that is not the case here either way. You are not being overly sensitive, if what you write is correct, you are reading rejection here and feeling a natural response to that. If they are blaming your perceptions know they are not your friends. I have a sister who blames my "perceptions" instead of admitting what is happening...it is very unkind to dismiss someone like that, especially if they are seeing the truth. It's crazy making at it's finest.

I would not buy this person a card or apologize unless you actually did something. I *might* ask what is wrong but then you run the risk of them not telling you and feeding you bS. That same sister did that to me and it's not fun. But I wouldn't apologize if you really feel you didn't do anything. If anything she needs to apologize to you for being so rude and rejecting. I would not give a gift to someone who does not care about my feelings. Please stand up for yourself.

---

A New Life~

I am perplexed by your post.

First off, what makes you think I am ruining my present? Since the incident I have gained a new bf, taken several trips, have done a lot of things with my bf and many social things, have many goals in life, have had fun and enjoyed life, etc. I assure you that I have not allowed this to get in the way of my life in anyway.

And for you to say that, on a board which is about expressing feelings, is inappropriate in my opinion. Why are you here if you are going to tell people that? Your job is to listen and contribute, not to berate them for "ruining the present".

Just let them express without judgement, Okay? Don't you know that the reason people do so is to gain understanding which will, in turn, help them let go more?

I am posting about this now...three years later because I didn't have other places to post. When I found this site I realized it would be a great opportunity to get a point of view from those who are sensitive to these issues. I took the opportunity and it has helped. Please do not tell me to "get over it" when I am fully on my way and gaining more understanding. Just let us do what we need to do.

Thank you.

---

LGH1288~

I know this is mostly about her.

You know I am feeling more better about this than ever because I see now how she is not that nice, was invalidating, judgemental and a bitter person.

I know that judgemental people are that way towards others because they are critical of themselves. Her inability to accept, tolerate, understand and be kind and supportive of me is indicative of who she is, not me.

She doesn't have much love on the inside. And yes, I do believe she is lonely. I take no joy in that at all...but she has been alone for decades and I am betting she is lonely. I was willing to be there for her but she said "no"...and I accept that.

I also think she and I are just of different vibrations. Yes, we have similar things in common but she can be nasty sometimes. I am not like that. I am not "effected" like she is.

Oh, she is also very very status conscious. So it makes sense that any aberration in me (my AVPD) lowers my status in her eyes and makes me less worthwhile.

Screw her! Seriously. What a *itch! LOL I AM a nice person. I am considered sweet and loving by others as well as funny and charming. We don't jive because she is not these things.

Thanks everyone. It was really great to be able to post on this board and mention the "avoidant personality disorder". I knew many of you would be understanding and know what I am talking about. I appreciate your sensitivity and this has helped me a great deal. THANK YOU.

 

[LGH1288]

Thanks everyone. It was really great to be able to post on this board and mention the "avoidant personality disorder". I knew many of you would be understanding and know what I am talking about. I appreciate your sensitivity and this has helped me a great deal. THANK YOU.

Thanks for sharing. I appreciate your insights. After reading your posts I grabbed my DSM-IV-TR to learn more about "APD" by reading the diagnosis code "301.82". Best regards, LG

 

[ShadowMan2898]

(chanting) Think POSITIVE! NEVER back down!!

 

[WishingWell]

I am sorry that I don't have any advice. I just felt like posting that I feel rejected by the rest of my small family since my Mom passed away. She is all I had, and they don't want to bother with me, and I am so alone--I have no friends where I live and can't afford to move. I don't drive and there are no buses withing walking distance--nothing within walking distance. This town doesn't even have cabs, do you believe it?! Oh, yeah, I am disabled so I don't even work, in case if anyone reads this they wonder how I would get there. Yeah, I know, poor me.

 

[HappyYogi]

Just want to post an update here. I told my therapist about this (only see him occasionally due to cost) and he says many do this out of fear. It's a fear reaction and they can't handle it.

I thought that was interesting. It helps explain things. I still don't like her anymore but it helps a bit. Keep that in mind with everyone in your life who may have similar reactions. They can't deal with it.

 

[blackdot]

People have a habit of "disappearing" from other people's lives. You never know what the reason is. Normally they refuse to tell you what the reason is since they have stopped talking and by telling you why they are not talking means they have to talk.
It sucks to have people vanish when you don't know why. Is it something they did? Is it something you did? Is something wrong? Can you fix it?
You'll end up spending all your time and energy on something that requires the other person to want to talk.

 

[Tiina63]

It sounds as though things were ok between you and your aunt when the messages between you were on external topics-shared interests- but as soon as things became more personal, when you disclosed to her, she couldn't handle it. Maybe it wasn't so much that you have a personality disorder but that you were talking about something personal. Her generation tend to be more tight lipped than younger generations and talking about personal matters is not something they do as easily.
Or she could indeed be prejudiced against sufferers from mental disorders. As a fellow sufferer, I have run into this from time to time.
Either way, it doesn't seem very likely that she will resume contact. Maybe you should look for other contacts and let this one go. She isn't worth being upset about, though I can understand your feelings of rejection very well.

 

[HappyYogi]

I think you are right Tina...perhaps it got too personal even though it wasn't hugely intimate....just sharing.

I don't think she will call....it's been over three years. I am fine with that. I no longer want to be her friend. If anything I have decided she is a not a nice person. I am just not interested and have stopped caring.

It sounds as though things were ok between you and your aunt when the messages between you were on external topics-shared interests- but as soon as things became more personal, when you disclosed to her, she couldn't handle it. Maybe it wasn't so much that you have a personality disorder but that you were talking about something personal. Her generation tend to be more tight lipped than younger generations and talking about personal matters is not something they do as easily.
Or she could indeed be prejudiced against sufferers from mental disorders. As a fellow sufferer, I have run into this from time to time.
Either way, it doesn't seem very likely that she will resume contact. Maybe you should look for other contacts and let this one go. She isn't worth being upset about, though I can understand your feelings of rejection very well.