I hate myself

[unkownknownuser]

Yep I hate myself, because I'm a loser. I'm 39 and I've never had a girlfriend and I have a ****** job. Most people I know who are my age are married and have good jobs. I would like to learn to like myself, but at this point I think it's impossible, I can only hate myself a little less. Is there anyway I can have a semblance of self esteem regardless of the fact that I am a pathetic loser?

 

[reynard_muldrake]

Hmm. I would think of some goals or even things you can change. If you pursue something new or get some things accomplished, you may start learning to like yourself. What kind of job would you like to do, for instance? What can you do to make this change happen?

 

[unkownknownuser]

Hmm. I would think of some goals or even things you can change. If you pursue something new or get some things accomplished, you may start learning to like yourself. What kind of job would you like to do, for instance? What can you do to make this change happen?

 Well I did recently lose a lot of weight. As for a job, I want to do something in the arts.

 

[Tuathaniel]

Is there anyway I can have a semblance of self esteem regardless of the fact that I am a pathetic loser?

Nope. Not until you understand and acknowledge that it's in no way a fact that you're a "pathetic loser." That's just your own thoughts about yourself, and as long as you allow them to rule, your self esteem won't go anywhere near you, sadly. 

Losing a lot of weight is a HUGE accomplishment! Thousands of people struggle daily just to lose a little bit. That you've managed such a thing tells me that you're not a loser, and you should be proud of yourself for this. 

You might have a ****** job (so do I), but at least you have one. You're taking care of yourself. You're contributing. That doesn't sound like a "pathetic loser" to me. 

If you keep thinking, I'm sure you can find other qualities about yourself that are positive. Everyone has something, even if it's hard to recognize it at times. And don't beat yourself up over not having a girlfriend. Having a partner doesn't equal success in life, and not having a partner doesn't mean you're a loser. It just means you haven't met the right person yet. Please, do yourself a huge favour and don't measure your worth in whether or not you're in a relationship, because that really doesn't say anything about whether or not you're a good person. (For example, my mom stayed in an abusive relationship for years. Her boyfriend beat her up several times, trashed her apartment, abused her dogs, tried to abuse me, and was drunk half the time. He had a girlfriend, yet he was the very image of a pathetic loser.)

 

[Somnambulist]

Yep I hate myself, because I'm a loser. I'm 39 and I've never had a girlfriend and I have a ****** job. Most people I know who are my age are married and have good jobs. I would like to learn to like myself, but at this point I think it's impossible, I can only hate myself a little less. Is there anyway I can have a semblance of self esteem regardless of the fact that I am a pathetic loser?

Hi, I see a few things ... these are just neutral, and, to the best of my ability, objective observations.

- Apart from what others have done to you, you have also fallen victim to labeling ... "loser", "pathetic".
- You have expectations of conformity ... that a person of a certain age is "supposed to" have a certain way of life, because society expects you to
- You are jealous of others your age, and you compare yourself to them
- You seem to see only a polarity of two ways to treat yourself - liking yourself, and hating yourself, with not much grey area in between

All of the above are completely normal and understandable to me. I have done the very same to myself, so I get it. But, now, allow me to speak as the impartial observer, the one who sees what you are (perhaps) currently unable to see.

With those labels, you are denigrating yourself greatly and in a meaningless way, just because others might label you in that way. What does "loser" really mean ? And I'm not talking about what UrbanDictionary has to say. Are you any more of a "loser" than a hypocritical politician ? Or a philandering and drug-addicted celebrity ? Some might call them "losers". Just saying it's totally subjective. More importantly, the labels are not going to help you change your situation. It may be more constructive to focus on the facts that lead to you labeling yourself ... not having a gf, having an unsatisfactory job, ok. You've listed those as problems you want to solve.

I understand why you feel bad when you see others your age enjoying life more. How can you not feel bad when, at every corner, through propaganda dispensed by the media, or just general widespread ignorance, these expectations are in your face all the time ! Everywhere you go, you see seemingly happy couples and people with seemingly successful careers. You are made to believe that this is the one-size-fits-all prescription for happiness, and more importantly, that those who don't have those things are defective in some way. Could it be possible that you are just slightly different from most guys ... you have some personal trait that, just doesn't get recognized or appreciated ? Or, that the media portrays your identifying traits as weird or nerdy or whatever cool words they can come up with ? Some people are luckier than others, in love. Harsh reality.

Now, if having a gf and a satisfying job are what you want, ok, those are totally reasonable expectations, and you should absolutely strive to obtain them. But, I think you need to find a way to shield yourself, mentally, from the rigid and often unrealistic expectations of modern society. You need to find a way to ignore most of what you hear/see because it is a pile of **** that is gift wrapped for broadcast. I mean, just look at TV commercials, as an example. Are these the kinds of examples you wish to follow ? And, I don't just mean media. Just what you see when you walk out onto the street ... acting and appearances are omnipresent, for the world to see and envy.

The most important thing I want to tell you is that another huge downfall we are susceptible to is the infantile notions of "You need to love yourself." and "You need to love yourself before you can love another.", as if there is a switch that toggles between "Love myself" and "Hate myself". For reasons that I don't want to get into here, those statements are meaningless and absurd on many levels. I believe that what is absolutely possible, and wise, however, is to know yourself. What are your strengths ? I know that you have good qualities ... because everyone on this Earth does. Weaknesses ? What is important to you ? What constraints do you have in this life ? What are the changes you wish to see ?

Now, getting back to the point, the changes you want to see are having a relationship, and having a job you enjoy. Great ! Now, given your knowledge of yourself and your situation, how can you go about obtaining that ? Without labeling yourself, simply sticking to the facts, what actions can you take to bring about the change you wish to see ?

One last bit - a true story ... my former coworker was 37 when he found his first long term and successful relationship ... which then became his marriage ! He was miserable when I met him (he was about 35) ... he was utterly alone, he used to close all his blinds and sleep all day long every weekend ... totally depressed. Then, years later, he met his wife online, they were continents apart. Today, they, of course, live together, have a kid together, and a huge extended family (she's Vietnamese). He is living a very full life and is happier than ever.

 

[InfiniteIsolation]

At 39 you have few good years left before it's downhill all the way.

Embrace those feelings of anger, hatred and jealously to improve your motivation to better yourself while you still can. Self-loathing and despair are your enemies.
At 45 brain aging begins and it's game over for certain.

 

[Sometimes]

Wow, Somnambulist, that's so well said!

I have found that it helps me to ask myself "what can I do that would just be so...me?" . I have found that the places where I like myself are the ones which differentiate me from the pack.

 

[Somnambulist]

Wow, Somnambulist, that's so well said!

I have found that it helps me to ask myself "what can I do that would just be so...me?" . I have found that the places where I like myself are the ones which differentiate me from the pack.

Thanks for the kind words !

Yes, originality is so underrated, and conformity is so overrated !

 

[unkownknownuser]

Okay maybe I am being too hard on myself. But I find it hard to keep feeling bad about myself when I've never had a girlfriend before. Even if I got one today I'd still be 20 years behind most normal people. It seems impossible to so.

 

[Tuathaniel]

I understand where you're coming from. I really do. I hate myself too. So much. I have a mental list of every mistake I've ever made, and the consequences of those mistakes that I have to live with, and I hate, despise and loathe myself every day because of them. (Latest mistake: After nearly a decade of avoiding the dentist and not taking proper care of my teeth (too depressed to care), I had to say goodbye to my 5th tooth from the front today. Half of it broke off last night, and the remains couldn't be saved. Now you can just about see the hole if I smile. I'll be hating myself for a long time over this one.)

Also, I got my first boyfriend last year, almost 20 years behind most "normal" (what is normal anyway? Who gets to make those rules?) people. However, it's been worth the wait. Finally finding someone who understands me (most of the time, when I'm not being too depressed and loopy) and loves me just as I am, does indeed help, even if it came late in life. He tries to convince me every day that I shouldn't hate myself, that I don't deserve it. Perhaps one day I'll believe him. But that is not this day.

 

[unkownknownuser]

I understand where you're coming from. I really do. I hate myself too. So much. I have a mental list of every mistake I've ever made, and the consequences of those mistakes that I have to live with, and I hate, despise and loathe myself every day because of them. (Latest mistake: After nearly a decade of avoiding the dentist and not taking proper care of my teeth (too depressed to care), I had to say goodbye to my 5th tooth from the front today. Half of it broke off last night, and the remains couldn't be saved. Now you can just about see the hole if I smile. I'll be hating myself for a long time over this one.)

Also, I got my first boyfriend last year, almost 20 years behind most "normal" (what is normal anyway? Who gets to make those rules?) people. However, it's been worth the wait. Finally finding someone who understands me (most of the time, when I'm not being too depressed and loopy) and loves me just as I am, does indeed help, even if it came late in life. He tries to convince me every day that I shouldn't hate myself, that I don't deserve it. Perhaps one day I'll believe him. But that is not this day.

 Thanks for the reply. I do the same thing, while I have mistakes that I regret, most of the time it's social faux pas that I obsess over. As for the dentist thing, I would worry too much, I myself have avoided the dentist because I hate going and I couldn't afford to go. In the end I had to spend over $1000 to get my teeth fixed. Just curious you said you go your first boyfriend how old are you if you don't mind me asking? 

After 7 years I decided to go into counselling again. I figure maybe this time it will work.

 

[Tuathaniel]

I don't mind you asking. I'm 34 now, was 33 last year when we got together.

Going back to counseling sounds like a good idea. People change, and it might work for you today even if it didn't 7 years ago. I've also noticed that some counselors click better with you than others, and if you have the "wrong" counselor, it probably won't help as much as it otherwise would.

 

[Somnambulist]

I'm 34 now, was 33 last year when we got together.

Oooooooh... I'm 33. It could happen for me too ! Is this my magic year ?

 

[Tuathaniel]

I'm 34 now, was 33 last year when we got together.

Oooooooh... I'm 33. It could happen for me too ! Is this my magic year ?

Never give up! Never surrender!

 

[AlexD]

So many awesome replies here! Yes, congrats on losing all that weight! In the nursing part of my life, I have patients that have tried it unsuccessfully and I have even more patients that have never tried and will never try to lose any weight! So thumbs up for you many, many times! This requires self-motivation, perseverance and discipline, so clearly you possess these three qualities that are so imperative to success! If you have been successful with your weight loss, do you really think you cannot succeed elsewhere? Yes, it can be exhausting to succeed in one area sometimes, but then once you do, don't take this success for granted all of a sudden . You put the effort, so there is nothing wrong in allowing yourself to be proud, just as Tuathaniel says. When it comes to self-love, I tend to agree with Somnambulist about getting to know yourself being the more useful idea. I personally find nothing wrong with self love though. I think that the self-love encouragement from so many directions comes due to the fact that there is such an epidemic of insecurity out there, and yes, much of it is from the media propaganda on "ideal" lifestyles. The self-love advocates are just trying to do something opposite to self-hate and it does indeed create a black and white type of mindset even though that is hardly what they meant. But it is so easy to misunderstand and misinterpret things. Shades of gray come into place when you get to willingly know yourself. Once you know yourself and accept what you know, you will modify the aspects where you want to see a difference. 39 is nothing for a man! In so many cases, mother Nature is so much nicer to you guys than it is to us women, really. So for you to despair because you are 39, please don't! Set up goals. Ask yourself what you really want to do that you love, so you can build your life based on that. Partners can be hard to find for a variety of reasons that you will have to clarify for yourself. You could have been insecure due to image, or not knowing what you want in a partner, or being too demanding, or in need to learn more about relationships, mutual compromise, communication, etc. Young people get into relationships oftentimes thinking it is simple but it is not simple. Especially in today's reality of multiple choices, grass is always greener syndrome, women being more self-reliant and therefore more choosing, same with men, but most importantly: most people will have  a very hard time to pinpoint what they want from their partners in order to be in a happy relationship. Precisely because of so many distorted ideas about happiness out there.

 

[Ugly_Sean]

Yep I hate myself, because I'm a loser. I'm 39 and I've never had a girlfriend and I have a ****** job. Most people I know who are my age are married and have good jobs. I would like to learn to like myself, but at this point I think it's impossible, I can only hate myself a little less. Is there anyway I can have a semblance of self esteem regardless of the fact that I am a pathetic loser?

Hello friend. You're not a loser. But you've had some tough breaks. I don't pretend that there's someone out there for everyone, but maybe there's someone out there for you. Then again I thought there was someone out there for me. I may have been mistaken.  As for learning to like yourself, I can't pretend to know how you can do that. But you can try what I try, and that is to learn to TOLERATE yourself.  It's an ongoing battle for me, but it may be a more realistic target instead of trying to like yourself. Those with higher self esteem often don't get it that such a thing is  possible - but I know.  You know.  It's real.  I hear your pain and I wish I could help.  But I can offer encouragement. Best wishes my friend.  Because of my disability I can't hold a  paid job but I do volunteer work.   They seem to appreciate my kindness and dedication rather than looks.  It may be something to consider.  Mind you - I don't have any friends because of it, but I feel better knowing I'm helping others.

 

[michael2]

Okay maybe I am being too hard on myself. But I find it hard to keep feeling bad about myself when I've never had a girlfriend before. Even if I got one today I'd still be 20 years behind most normal people. It seems impossible to so.

Its not your fault that you havent had a girlfriend yet.  You never intentionally chose to do certain things in order to avoid having a girlfriend.  Yes, perhaps me, you and others could have made different choices that would have increased our chances of having a girlfriend/wife by now.  But the truth is most guys find a girlfriend without actively looking.  The simple fact is the chips havent fell our way yet.  You are no worse or in any way less deserving of a girlfriend then a guy who had his first when he was 20.  Its like saying someone is a lesser of a person if they dont own their own home until they are 50 because some people do at 25.

In the meantime I suggest using the time you have as a single person improving who you are as an individual.  Doing this will help make you feel better about yourself and you're likely to attract a higher quality partner when that time comes.  Losing weight is a great big step forward in improving yourself.  But dont stop there, try working out and developing a somewhat sculpted body.  Not only will you look great but you'll feel great too.  Work hard at keeping your personal appearance top notch, buy a new wardrobe and make sure your personal grooming is on point. Since you hate your job I'd suggest looking into night classes or something of the sort that could lead into a different career, or simply apply somewhere else where you feel things would be better for you.  Dive into an artistic hobby that you are attracted to, perhaps drawing, music, writing, photography, filmmaking or something else that helps you express who you are.

But please dont continue to commit the mistake I make all the time and think that having a girlfriend is somehow a measure of your self worth.  Or that because you dont have one you are severely lacking in some area.  Alot of the time girls (and guys) can be attracted to shallow things such as looks and wealth.  Are you a bad person?  If not then you deserve a girlfriend as much as anybody.  Please understand that there are truly bad people out there who have girlfriends, who beat them up physically and or verbally, they certainly arent better then you!

 

[wallflower79]

Something that a girl I know once told me stuck with me when I was venting my insecurities over never having a boyfriend. She said that a single person with many past relationships is no closer to being married than a person with none is. Having past relationships shouldn't keep you from having future one(s). And as others here have pointed out, your relationship status shouldn't be something you need to prove your self-worth. I have felt like I hated myself in the past and been depressed because of it, but things did not get better until I decided to try and make myself better. If you feel like you would rather work in the arts, make the decision to do what it takes to get the sort of job you want and start working towards it. I know, easier said than done, but if you make goals and make yourself work towards those goals, you will find yourself happier because of it. You have lost weight, which shows that you are able to self discipline yourself to reach goals, so try doing this in other aspects of your life. At least, that's how I see it.

 

[M_also_lonely]

How could you hate yourself without knowing yourself?
Also, don't fall into the trap of marriage. Because then you will realize what it means to be in misery.

Having a girlfriend is mot important. You are a man, you don't need anyone.

Find your vision by realizing your gifts and works towards it. If you don't have a vision, you are just roaming around. It can be anything, but it should be your own. Without the influence of others.

If you find your job ******, then keep doing it but save more. Try to save 50+%. Reduce your standards to make it possible. Then, invest it after you have enough of money. Or when you have 60% of what you need for investment, take the remaining 40% by loan or borrowing from a relative. The first investment you make should only be used for the second. Keep reinvesting. When you have enough, you can quit your job.

I know, easier said than done but that's the reason why not everyone does it. But its the only way to be free. You can just make your job unshitty.

Forget women. Keep marching, soldier. And if anyone comes in the way, love them, be open for love. The feeling that you are a loser if you don't have a girlfriend means that you assume that women are some angel like creatures. Stop thinking like that.


There is only one, single thing a woman wants from s man. They look only for one, single thing when they look for a man. Which is: that the man should be a better person than she is. (great example: Clinton, Obama, Trump. Look what their wives said about their husbands).
If you dive into self pity, and she doesn't, you aren't better than her. Thus you don't deserve her, as per her.
If you dive into self pity and she does it too, you both will not even become a couple. So try to become free from self pity, it wont solve anything.