I hate... that he loves me?

[Lonelyroad]

I don't know how to take real genuine compliments, I dont mind the "ah you're sexy" but anything deeper than that makes me... wanna strap him up to a lie detector lol. I a not sure how to break out of this way of thinking, but honestly I am so glad no one judged me as its a hard thing to admit. I hope it wont take too long for me because I love a quick fix, I just dont think there is one when it comes to putting the mind back together.




The idea of being alone when you could have something special with someone stings, it feels like I am running away from happiness, but truthfully, I don't even know if I expect love, maybe just being alive and with me is enough? Maybe...

It's hard to open up sometimes, I hate feeling like the lunatic I actually am lol It never takes long for people to suss out how insecure I am, and how damaged, you know?

Exactly how I feel but I wear my insecurities like a badge of shame.

 

[Lonelyroad]

I think almost everyone here is stuck in a rut and sometimes advice works and sometimes it doesn't but one thing I have noticed it that we don't half blame ourselves for a lot of **** that's out of our control. I defo think we find something to hang onto to keep us going but it never really does the job. I tell myself the same **** everyday and I only half believe it now because I've been doing it that long and I know now that I'm just one of the unfortunate people who don't actually find the right one, like millions of people out there. Some deal with it well and some don't and I always was kinda alone even when I wasn't alone and I think that tells me in my gut that I'm one of they millions. I wear my heart on my sleeve and I am probably slightly mad to still be sitting here doing the same thing I was doing maybe 25 years ago and really **** all has changed. I know I put myself where I am but others defo helped. I was never one for believing in destiny but after looking back at events un my life and shitblike that then aye, destiny is real and its either you grab your destiny by its neck or you let it fly by. I let mine fly by, don't do the same. Good luck to everyone out there trying.

 

[Lonelyroad]

I don't know how to take real genuine compliments, I dont mind the "ah you're sexy" but anything deeper than that makes me... wanna strap him up to a lie detector lol. I a not sure how to break out of this way of thinking, but honestly I am so glad no one judged me as its a hard thing to admit. I hope it wont take too long for me because I love a quick fix, I just dont think there is one when it comes to putting the mind back together.




The idea of being alone when you could have something special with someone stings, it feels like I am running away from happiness, but truthfully, I don't even know if I expect love, maybe just being alive and with me is enough? Maybe...

It's hard to open up sometimes, I hate feeling like the lunatic I actually am lol It never takes long for people to suss out how insecure I am, and how damaged, you know?

We're British, British people can't take compliments without feeling guilt of some sort. It's in our genes.

 

[Lonelyroad]

Callie and Finished are both right.

Abuse is cyclical which is why it is difficult to get away from, sometimes resulting in Stockholm Syndrome. And yes, after you've been in an abusive relationship, the healthiest and wisest thing you can do is take a significant amount of time to yourself to both heal and find yourself anew.

My 8-year relationship ended rather atypically.
It ended in high profile theft, drug abuse, self harm, emotional and sexual abuse, and enough blood to warrant me throwing out 4 beach towels after being harassed by the police that I myself called to have such the person removed from my apartment.

Sssooo, I spent the next 4 years single by choice, while I tried to reconstruct both my mind and my life.

That's how and why I ended up fighting alcoholism for about 7 years. Sidenote: Don't drink like that, you won't find any of the answers you actually need in the bottom of the bottle and in all actuality it will only make things worse.

Professional help does have merit to it, the drawback of course being the financial cost. But I mean, if you can afford it, that would be the greatest of help. Here in the U.S. rates are sky high, and basically the working class of people who need professional psychological help perhaps the most, basically can't afford it without it cutting into their cost of living between rent and car payments.

I keep thinking to myself that love is more fulfilling and more meaningful in older age than it is in youth. Because when we are young we are optimistic and hopeful in our ignorance about the world we live in and how it works, but when we are old we are humbled and sincere in our brokenness as humans.

Something that began to make sense to me after my experiences was what Rocky said to his son, "life is not about how hard you can hit, life is about how hard you can get hit and keep going."

The hardest lesson we have to learn in life, is that we have to life for what we need rather than what we want. It's the giant elephant in the room that everyone knows is there but nobody really wants to talk about because that's a really difficult conversation to have.

That was, honestly the draw in interest to Buddhist philosophy to me, because I remember some 10+ years ago that that's one of the ways in which people have taught themselves to learn to be okay with letting go of want and desire that is not the actual. Kind of like how I would love for this coffee that I'm drinking to instead be a 10$ coffee from Starbucks, but in all actuality this is just some cheap crap I got at the grocery store that'll last me about a month for the exact same price despite the fact that the quality is significantly less.

Life is a very contrary and counter-intuitive thing, which is part of its great confusion. Alan Watts even called it The Backwards Law. That's why weird things happen like the people who want to be successful, never end up being successful, and the people who don't care about success, end up being successful and then don't know how to manage or handle their success as a result. So that the unsuccessful person who wanted success is tasked in life with never being satisfied, and the successful person who took a life-changing risk because they didn't care about being successful is now tasked with trying to figure out how to handle and manage the difficulties and responsibilities of being successful.

Everyone deserves love, but defining love and finding love is difficult I think because we always look for it outside of ourselves and in all actuality it's mostly inside of ourselves. The perceptual difference you will find in this is an exact 180 degree opposite of how our default perceptions tend to relatively be before we find this out. Or to put it simply: People hate themselves because they look for love outside of themselves, and people love themselves when they look for love inside themselves for a long enough time. It can be quite challenging but does make a difference.

Okay, enough of my long-windedness in your thread. Sorry Cen.

I've always tried to say to myself "defeat isn't when you get knocked down, it's when you don't get back up again" and after reading your battles I see u are a fighter. I've never went after money or success and I didn't get it. I always believed when I was a kid that I was gonna meet a woman, settle down and have kids and yeah I had a kid but under the most horrible of circumstances and I lived a life that no woman in their right mind would go after. I slways had low self esteem so I started off badly and looking at everyone else around me meeting a partner and getting married just made me make more bad choices because I thought by that time I didn't deserve "love" its kinda **** up the way life gives each of us these choices and whether good or bad, you gotta take one and you don't know it's good or bad till long after the decision.
It's horrible when life just keeps throwing bad options and you gotta choose one anyway even when u know all are bad.
Probably a bit off subject but life is weird!

 

[CenotaphGirl]

We're British, British people can't take compliments without feeling guilt of some sort. It's in our genes.

Lol tell that to my mother, no one loves a compliment like her lool

I've always tried to say to myself "defeat isn't when you get knocked down, it's when you don't get back up again" and after reading your battles I see u are a fighter. I've never went after money or success and I didn't get it. I always believed when I was a kid that I was gonna meet a woman, settle down and have kids and yeah I had a kid but under the most horrible of circumstances and I lived a life that no woman in their right mind would go after. I slways had low self esteem so I started off badly and looking at everyone else around me meeting a partner and getting married just made me make more bad choices because I thought by that time I didn't deserve "love" its kinda **** up the way life gives each of us these choices and whether good or bad, you gotta take one and you don't know it's good or bad till long after the decision.
It's horrible when life just keeps throwing bad options and you gotta choose one anyway even when u know all are bad.
Probably a bit off subject but life is weird!

Congrats on your child, and I feel so in tune with what you have written here, love being seen as something deserving and how you had this ideal life planned out for yourself. Life is strange and sometimes I feel thrown into a loop of bad decisions. Sometimes, I just wanna take life by the horns and do everything the wrong way, and maybe just maybe it'll work out. You know?

 

[9006]

It's hard to open up sometimes, I hate feeling like the lunatic I actually am lol It never takes long for people to suss out how insecure I am, and how damaged, you know?

Yeah I get that, and it can be difficult to trust someone enough to be able to do it. But if you don't you'll always be stuck in the cycle, sometimes you have to trust your own judgement.

 

[user 135671]

I hope it wont take too long for me because I love a quick fix, I just dont think there is one when it comes to putting the mind back together.

You are bloody fearless Princess, that's not a compliment just a statement of fact, put your mind to it and it'll not take you long to ' fix ' it at all.

 

[NoxApex(N/A)]

I've always tried to say to myself "defeat isn't when you get knocked down, it's when you don't get back up again" and after reading your battles I see u are a fighter.

I'm the lover that love failed that found home on the homelessness of the battlefield and now I've just gotten so used to it that there is no going back to how I was before. I would rather pursue my life, than my love life and emotional fulfillment. It's easier for me to zero myself out, and detach into emotional non-existence, than it is for me to rationalizing spending the rest of my life chasing dragons emotionally while my body slowly ages and decays over time making it harder and harder for me to structure, restructure, and balance my life in terms of security. In a way, I'm kind of, like when Wonka closed the Chocolate Factory.

I've never went after money or success and I didn't get it. I always believed when I was a kid that I was gonna meet a woman, settle down and have kids and yeah I had a kid but under the most horrible of circumstances and I lived a life that no woman in their right mind would go after. I slways had low self esteem so I started off badly and looking at everyone else around me meeting a partner and getting married just made me make more bad choices because I thought by that time I didn't deserve "love" its kinda **** up the way life gives each of us these choices and whether good or bad, you gotta take one and you don't know it's good or bad till long after the decision.
It's horrible when life just keeps throwing bad options and you gotta choose one anyway even when u know all are bad.
Probably a bit off subject but life is weird!

Happiness in life comes from solving problems, that's all life is, is problems. The trouble is that the solution to one problem is merely the replacement of that problem with another problem. Therefore, humans are forced into settling, it's unavoidable. The question should really be, what problems do you deem worth settling for and, what struggles in life are you willing to suffer for which goals? That's why life is so challenging and confusing. People are mislead to believe that happiness means there are no problems, when in all actuality such is not the case. Happiness occurs when you have problems that you are comfortable with having because you can manage dealing with them.

 

[user 135671]

In a way, I'm kind of, like when Wonka closed the Chocolate Factory.

I bloody love this!, tragic day still brings a tear to my eye.

Happiness in life comes from solving problems, that's all life is, is problems. The trouble is that the solution to one problem is merely the replacement of that problem with another problem.

I totally agree with this. There’s no such thing as a problem free life. It’s just not how humans are wired. You will always find problems with your situation, you’ll never rest content with where you’re at. That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t try to improve your life. Far from it. You just shouldn’t expect all the busyness and struggling to stop at any point. I understand that might not be the best way of inspiring anyone to make change. But I don’t care. It’s the truth.

We’re constantly promised an end to our problems everywhere we look, by Politicians, self help guru's and companies to name a few. No one tells it like it is, your problems aren’t going anywhere. What if your ongoing struggles are part of what it means to be human, a feature not a bug?

Despite your best efforts at self improvement, your personality will still be full of quirks and flaws that keep getting in your way. Despite becoming better at communicating and setting all the right boundaries, other people will continue to annoy and frustrate you. Despite your life going mostly to plan, the universe will still find unexpectedly novel ways to keep you on your toes, and knock you off your feet.

 

[Lonely girl 28]

When I was in a recent relationship I was happy and surprised I was cherish & cared about but I felt uncomfortable about that at the same time. . Like I was undeserving.

So I could be wrong about this but I think it comes down to loving & appreciating yourself rather needing someone else to do it. . And in my case instead of seeking safety & security in a relationship, I had to find it in myself.

It's still a work in progress.

 

[NoxApex(N/A)]

When I was in a recent relationship I was happy and surprised I was cherish & cared about but I felt uncomfortable about that at the same time. . Like I was undeserving.

So I could be wrong about this but I think it comes down to loving & appreciating yourself rather needing someone else to do it. . And in my case instead of seeking safety & security in a relationship, I had to find it in myself.

It's still a work in progress.

You are correct.
You do have to find it in yourself.
It is a lifestyle, is the thing, so it is always a work in progress.

The idea is to slow things down when needed, and break up large, grandiose goals into smaller and smaller pieces. There are two reasons for this:

1.) The first, is to allow yourself more thinking time. It will help to develop critical thinking and cognitive skills. This will also allow you to look at things differently as well, and use practicality as a weight to your advantage so that you don't have to keep repeating negative cycles.

2.) The second reason, is that large goals are cumulative, meaning that they take significant amount of time to reach. A good example is that if you would like to buy a house one day but you didn't go to college, it will probably take a couple decades of saving and meticulous monetary structuring. The idea is to keep it on a sliding scale. It will help you balance your mental health and self-critical aspects against your long term goals. You'll probably always have the knee-jerk reaction of anxiety, but rolling it back will become progressively easier when you give yourself the time to develop your cognitive and critical thinking skills more with the help of the weight of practicality against what it is that is in your head that is making you anxious. Sssoo, say you want to buy a house one day, but you can't afford it right now, you've got six months worth of rent saved, your car breaks. Anxiety level = through the roof. Okay, so, at least you have the money to fix the car issue. Borrow against your car savings, get your car fixed so you don't lose your job and so life isn't complicated by your lack of a car, build the money back up after It's a developmental practice, the more you work within the realm of it the better your skills develop with it. Sometimes you've gotta get a little creative to save or to get out of problems, and that's where having the extra time to think more helps, for when you have to come up with a solution to get yourself out of a complicated pinch.

 

[Lonely girl 28]

You are correct.
You do have to find it in yourself.
It is a lifestyle, is the thing, so it is always a work in progress.

The idea is to slow things down when needed, and break up large, grandiose goals into smaller and smaller pieces. There are two reasons for this:

1.) The first, is to allow yourself more thinking time. It will help to develop critical thinking and cognitive skills. This will also allow you to look at things differently as well, and use practicality as a weight to your advantage so that you don't have to keep repeating negative cycles.

2.) The second reason, is that large goals are cumulative, meaning that they take significant amount of time to reach. A good example is that if you would like to buy a house one day but you didn't go to college, it will probably take a couple decades of saving and meticulous monetary structuring. The idea is to keep it on a sliding scale. It will help you balance your mental health and self-critical aspects against your long term goals. You'll probably always have the knee-jerk reaction of anxiety, but rolling it back will become progressively easier when you give yourself the time to develop your cognitive and critical thinking skills more with the help of the weight of practicality against what it is that is in your head that is making you anxious. Sssoo, say you want to buy a house one day, but you can't afford it right now, you've got six months worth of rent saved, your car breaks. Anxiety level = through the roof. Okay, so, at least you have the money to fix the car issue. Borrow against your car savings, get your car fixed so you don't lose your job and so life isn't complicated by your lack of a car, build the money back up after It's a developmental practice, the more you work within the realm of it the better your skills develop with it. Sometimes you've gotta get a little creative to save or to get out of problems, and that's where having the extra time to think more helps, for when you have to come up with a solution to get yourself out of a complicated pinch.

Ty for your advice. . I empathise with others; it's hard not to return to old patterns.

 

[NoxApex(N/A)]

Ty for your advice. . I empathise with others; it's hard not to return to old patterns.

It IS hard not to return to old patterns.
That's one of the weirdest things about human nature, is that we like consistency, but life is naturally a very inconsistent experience. It's perplexed humans since the dawn of time.

 

[VanillaCreme]

. . . I don't know how to be okay in the skin i'm in, I don't even know how to feel beautiful.

For me, it was seeing myself through their eyes. I see what I was to them. It made me appreciate myself, and what I did for them. Because what they all taught me in life is so essential to who I am today. I'm okay with myself because I finally understand just how much they truly appreciated me. I didn't see it 15 years ago. I didn't even see it 5 years ago. But I see it now, and I get how much they appreciated it.

 

[user 188644]

But like also there's a very specific way people are allowed to treat you badly and anything outside of that won't be tolerated either right? Treat me like **** the way I want to be treated like ****.

 

[CenotaphGirl]

For me, it was seeing myself through their eyes. I see what I was to them. It made me appreciate myself, and what I did for them. Because what they all taught me in life is so essential to who I am today. I'm okay with myself because I finally understand just how much they truly appreciated me. I didn't see it 15 years ago. I didn't even see it 5 years ago. But I see it now, and I get how much they appreciated it.

This is so beautiful, amazing what a shift in perspective can do, im working sooo hard to shift mine but I am starting to think I need to do it alone, on my own.

But like also there's a very specific way people are allowed to treat you badly and anything outside of that won't be tolerated either right? Treat me like **** the way I want to be treated like ****.

I see it like, if you initially break me the "right way"... I am paralysed into the mistreatment, then everything I said I'd never allow, somehow is happening and I cant leave.

 

[Expelliarmus]

Well… just using the word “but” or its synonyms means that you set conditions to love yourself… If these conditions are not met, your acceptance of yourself will decrease… and the amount of others’ love for you as well!

With these phrases, you give yourself conditional love, and plunge yourself into a whirlpool of excessive thinking that will often lead to these thoughts entrenching in your subconscious mind…

And because the universe is nothing but a mirror to our insides, the reality that will materialize in front of you is exactly what you think and feel. You will find yourself never satisfied with yourself no matter how hard you try...

Even after losing weight, you will feel that you need to lose more, and even after you achieve success in your work, you will strive for more… and thus you will run and run endlessly towards achieving unrealistic goals.

Not only that, you will find yourself involved in unsatisfactory relationships, with people who always make you feel that you are not enough for them, and even if your luck is good and you enter into a relationship with someone who appreciates and respects you, your thoughts will spoil this relationship, because you will always think that your reality is much more beautiful than it deserves… Or it is too good to be true, and you will live in constant fear and anticipation, waiting for the “terrible truth” to emerge, which is, that you do not deserve love…

Many people live in this hell, without being able to get out of it or overcome their feelings.

It is neither easy nor simple, to feel that you do not deserve love is not just a passing situation, or arbitrary emotional confusion that appeared in your life for no reason...

It is much deeper than that, and it will take effort, perseverance and diligence to get rid of it…
If you believe that you are not worthy of love, the first thing to remember is that feelings are not facts. Just because you feel unloved or unlovable, doesn't mean you really are.

Psychological problems and disorders may make a person really think that he is hateful and unloved, or that he is worse than getting love from his partner or his family, then these thoughts soon turn into excessive thinking and negative self-talk, followed by a feeling of guilt because he talks to himself negatively and then more From self-blame and so on until he destroys his mind and soul and kills his soul.

If you find yourself comparing your feelings and experiences with the experiences of others, remember one important thing: your feelings are also important and valuable, even if the feelings and experiences of others are worse, or even if they seem to you that they deserve love more than you because they are more successful, more kind, or more confident in themselves…etc…

Love is not a finite resource, and there is enough of it for everyone… Everyone deserves to be loved, loved and treated with love and concern.

One of the main reasons we feel unworthy is the way we talk to ourselves.

Every time you say something negative to yourself, ask yourself this question:

“Will I say this particular sentence to a little child, or to a friend or to someone I care about?”

Your answer will most likely be no...

Remember, you are the most valuable thing you have… yourself is the most important person in this world to you, so do not break it with your hands, and with your negative words…

It will take constant training, but it will change you a lot.

Keep a small notebook or diary, and make sure to write a positive message to yourself every morning… a small message expressing your self-acceptance, encouraging yourself to go on for another day.

Little by little, your self-talk will change, becoming more positive, and this will gradually reflect on the extent of your love and appreciation for yourself, and your sense of deserving love from others.

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