J
johnny196775Again
Guest
i was here a month or two ago then deleted my account because of mental problems.
i want to share with you all my side of a conversation i had this morning with my one friend.. here it is.
When i was a little boy i was beaten by family members. Sometimes to the point of unconsciousness. My real father who i luckily did not live with was too drunk to notice i was alive. My brother never beat me outside of the home. I was not bullied at school just at home by my brother and then step dad. They sent me to therapy because of the problems at home and then they told me before therapy to NEVER tell the therapist about the abuse going on at home. It was no wonder i drank like i did and used drugs like i did for 35 or so years. I have never had a chance at a normal life. I am filled with resentment and filled with anger and very depressed. I have always wanted to kill myself but was too chicken **** to do so. Every two weeks my real father had custody of me and my brother. At least my mother was smart enough to divorce him when i was a baby. He was drunk and very abusive to his wife. All of this could be why i have no intention of ever seeing them again.
I need to do what makes me and my bf happy now and think of today and the future and not of the past. But the past keeps eating away at me and nearly every time i wake up from dreams i am reminded of my parents and brother. People who were bullied at school and not at home are truely the lucky ones. Sort of.
I think everyone wants to hurt me. i know i shouldnt. But i am afraid of people. I think deep down i am afraid of you and my bf to some degree also. I never had a friend since before i was 14. They were all drinking buddies and drug pals. I am afraid of everyone. And i know i shouldnt be. This could be why i have no one to call on my phone. Thank you, i WILL tell all of this to my therapist tomarow. My extreme shyness could be just that i am afraid of people hurting me badly.
thanks for reading this. and have a nice day everyone.
i want to share with you all my side of a conversation i had this morning with my one friend.. here it is.
When i was a little boy i was beaten by family members. Sometimes to the point of unconsciousness. My real father who i luckily did not live with was too drunk to notice i was alive. My brother never beat me outside of the home. I was not bullied at school just at home by my brother and then step dad. They sent me to therapy because of the problems at home and then they told me before therapy to NEVER tell the therapist about the abuse going on at home. It was no wonder i drank like i did and used drugs like i did for 35 or so years. I have never had a chance at a normal life. I am filled with resentment and filled with anger and very depressed. I have always wanted to kill myself but was too chicken **** to do so. Every two weeks my real father had custody of me and my brother. At least my mother was smart enough to divorce him when i was a baby. He was drunk and very abusive to his wife. All of this could be why i have no intention of ever seeing them again.
I need to do what makes me and my bf happy now and think of today and the future and not of the past. But the past keeps eating away at me and nearly every time i wake up from dreams i am reminded of my parents and brother. People who were bullied at school and not at home are truely the lucky ones. Sort of.
I think everyone wants to hurt me. i know i shouldnt. But i am afraid of people. I think deep down i am afraid of you and my bf to some degree also. I never had a friend since before i was 14. They were all drinking buddies and drug pals. I am afraid of everyone. And i know i shouldnt be. This could be why i have no one to call on my phone. Thank you, i WILL tell all of this to my therapist tomarow. My extreme shyness could be just that i am afraid of people hurting me badly.
thanks for reading this. and have a nice day everyone.
