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So much to unpack here and I don't want to write a massive response for several reasons. Know this though - you need to go seek professional help. I don't know what it's like there in Bulgaria where you are, but you need to go see a general practitioner and get some advice and possibly a referral to a mental health professional. Why do I say this? Because I have been where you are, mental speaking. You are not in a good place. You are not thinking rationally. Go seek help now before you convince yourself into taking the ultimate decision for good. You CAN get through this. Many have gone through what you are experiencing and come out the other side. Believe me.