Identity

[Volt]

Hi. This will be long and incoherent, i'm trying to figure something out. I would like your help, if you're inclined to give it.

I have a problem with my identity, because i don't know what it is. I don't think i've ever known, so i can't draw on anything from the past. I think that what i'm ultimately looking for is a path to follow. As in, if i have an identity, i can behave according to it. 
I think i have mostly been trying to find one way which trumps all other ways, so that i can follow it. But i find that even if i know what i have to do, i have no desire or interest anymore in doing it. This has been more on the forefront lately, but i think it's always been there to varying degrees. I think i've been seeking things to cling to to remedy it, but they always fall flat.

For example, i used to be super hyped about moving to Iceland. It'd be my big thing and what i ultimately live towards. The reason i chose Iceland was ultimately because of the weather, landscape, and to a lesser degree history and culture. Or what i knew about it. My dad knows that i often do things like this, so when i go spout out about i wanna do this his reaction is something like, give it a while and it'll die down. Which it did, but i'm ashamed about it so i don't bring it up. I'm ashamed because i failed in being disciplined. 

Another example is that i signed up to study psychology i think three years ago now. It was one of those accredited home study things. I don't know if they're available where you live. Anyway, it of course fell flat when i realised with the help of a friend that the only reason i did that was to prove to my parents that i'm not retarded and can do some great things. I also build a whole story around it which i believed at the time, to have a sort of identity to hold on to.

Point is that i think i've often been seeking things, which then fall apart. And even if they wouldn't fall apart, they'd still mostly be fake, right? For example i have strong opinions on a number of things. But i often wonder if they're mine. They sort of feel mine, but there's something missing, i think. I don't know. I think i'm often not being authentic, but i don't know what me being authentic would look like, and i don't know how to act to be so. 

And you can say "Lol just be yourself don't force it." But what is that. Do or say whatever comes up first in my head? That's not going to go well. I often blurt things out and later thing that that was a stupid thing to type/write, sometimes seconds later. I often feel like i'm still an immature 16 year old. So acting like that wouldn't do me any good.  I'm losing my train of thought here, i think because i haven't really mapped this part of the issue out well in my head.

I think it's important to mention that i spend my days as a slave to social media and games, and a porn addiction. I don't know if the first two would clasify as addictions, but i use a combination of the three to get through as many seconds of the day as possible, the biggest time sinks by far being either of the first two. Since i recognized the P as an addiction, that helped a bit. I try to watch my "jokes" of that nature, and i generally realise how behavior of mine was linked to it and depending on what it is, stopped doing it. They're obviously all dangerous, and i wonder how much they suppress me. I thought about trying to quit all three, but i need to be prepared to attempt that. I don't have the discipline, and i'd have to fill an enormous amount of time with things, not all of which i should have to force upon myself to succeed. I tried quitting P a few times, it's doable, until that no drive to do anything kicked in, and i saw no reason to try anymore. Anyway, maybe quitting all of that is a necessary step. In any case it would be beneficial, which would be great if i felt a drive to do things that were beneficial to me.

Another thing is, i made a thread a long time ago asking what defines a person, no doubt trying to find something to answer this question in another way. The majority said that the actions define you. I find that answer to be very plain. If that's true, i'm just a fresia up. If i'm being inauthentic, how can what i do define what i am? 
Then again i think i'm looking at two different things. I seem to be looking for something to follow. If i knew what me was i could become comfortable with it and go from there. Something like that. I always get told i think about things in a too complex manner, so it's probably something stupid and simple and this whole issue is stupid.

I feel embarrassed having to write this, on this place of all places. I think i've been walking in circles for five years. I say i don't care about what is beneficial, because that's how it feels, but i am writing this thread and thinking about it. Contradictory. 

I probably missed a honeysuckle ton of details. I don't really have a question, just, what do you make of this. Thanks.

EDIT:

I have a few interests. I think those are a good lead of things to follow. Then i can have hobbies. But i don't know much at all about any of those interests. I don't seek information about them or act on them as much as might be required to justify calling them interests. I can't really talk about it with people because of my lack of knowledge. I've been thinking that maybe i approach it in the wrong way. I think i much rather do than read, which i do not like, because succesful people should be reading and getting smarter. I'm neither succesful nor smart, and so i should read.

I've been trying to find the one true way to stump all other ways of living. Maybe that's why i'm so drawn to watching politics happen. I don't know anything about it even after the time spend on it, but it seems that's the same pursuit. At the end of the day it doesn't seem to interest me. So maybe finding the succesful way to live is not the way to live. That means i would choose to be unsuccesful and a failure, which means people aren't obliged to treat me with any respect or kindness anymore, which means i will be alone and unloved forever. Maybe that's it.

 

[user 139760]

"I have a problem with my identity, because i don't know what it is"
If you look at it the other way...isn't that exactly what your identity is?
I think, and I might be way, way off base here, but I think you're looking for a target to shoot for above all else, a purpose in life you don't feel you have. But it's not WHO you are. I think your identity is well in place. The fact that you have several interests that don't stick or you don't ultimately care about, but come right back after probably x amount of time not doing them, is part of your personality. Part of your identity. And I don't think lack of interest, or inability to get invested majorly into something, is necessarily a character defect. OH, granted, it today's society, it is lol. I won't disagree with that.
But you might want to consider that maybe your identity is the sum of everything you like, love, hate or don't care about, for as little or as long as that may be. That makes you who you are, that's unique, and that's special.
I wish I had time to write a novel here, I really do. But every time I read you, I see a lot of similarities between us. Probably more so than you may suspect. You're looking for direction; I think it's safe to say I have too, all my life. What I have now isn't that, it's just living. I work not because I care, I hate my job, I don't even remember a time when I liked a job that I had, which is why I had so many different ones. So work isn't my goal. Social activities, got none. A lot of things I like, I don't really like or care about all that deeply. I mean, I can tell you a lot about useless crap, like James Bond, or Star Wars. Follow politics closely too, damned if I understand a lot of it except to say that it sucks donkey balls.

So far the only thing getting me going in life, you know what that is? Obligation. Duty. I have a duty to make money to sustain my kids. Because I love them, of course, but also because they'll get my ass in jail if I don't pay. Of course, in itself doesn't bother me so much, but it's mostly because the kids don't deserve that. Hardly a dream, or an identity.
I think you, just like I do, have an identity. We're the sum of all the little things, but we tend to forget. Probably because we're so self-critical. Certainly someone saying being so hard on himself talking about his addiction, which are in essence "minor" compared to the harder ones out there, is self-critical to the max and a lot better at bashing himself on the head than anyone else ever could be. Even goes and takes classes just to prove a point to others, know what I call that? A lunatic ;-) Or...considering one of my dear mentors did a bachelors in psychology at the same time he ran a dancing school AND worked as a manager, I'd consider that man to be a self-reflective genius. And a courageous man.

Maybe he just needs someone to remind him once in a while. Maybe he's not so good as valuing himself. Probably because he's too busy hitting himself on the head once in a while.
I chose my own goal, my own "identity", if you will. Long, long time ago, I used to be a very bad person, as you may know. It got to a point where I had a choice to make. I didn't know what choice that would be, but when I ended up making it, I didn't know how to be. WHO to be, precisely. So I remembered, long ago when I was a wee boy, the pleasant evenings I had with my father, watching the old Star Trek series. As such, I had to create myself, considering the ******* I used to be. So I picked one model; Superman. I was going to be Superman. Because he was, is, the closest I could ever find to a "perfect" human being. He's unatainable, because I could never have the morality of Superman. I can never be "as good", never lie, never cheat, help those in need all the time at the cost of my own life, if needed. He was all that. So I decided I was going to be that guy. Then every time I'd see, or read a hero, I'd keep some of that. Captain Kirk. Malcolm Reynolds. Snake Plissken. James Bond, The Doctor.
I'm a patch work. Of, I hope, the good sides of different fictional characters. And I try to be as much like them, as little a normal human being, as I possibly can, every day. Because I made the choice to never be who I really was, because that guy would watch people bleed and the world burn while smiling and loving it. I can't be that guy.

And the goal is that. Every day. Try and be better. Be scared of something, do it. Not know something, learn it. So I've had much of the same musings as you do. Still do. That helped me. I think it helped make me into something I can finally be proud of. Of course, now the only thing I want in life is to retire as quickly as possible, go hunting and fishing all day in a house in the woods, cut off from most of civilisation and social media LOL. One or two friends, my kids, an ample supply of beer, once a week....

Anyway, I hope this helps. If I could make a suggestion you might want to consider, take the thing you're most terrified of doing, or trying, or thinking you'd be utterly useless at it...and kick it in the teeth. Works for me. And even doing nothing sometimes define a person. I don't agree that action necessarily defines a person. EVERYTHING defines a person. One who is indecisive might be the best advice you ever had. I recently joined a support group for men. I met one of the dudes there...the guy terrorises me lol. Ex hard drug user, like BAD. I can't even describe to you the problems he has, it almost dwarf my situation by comparison.
I already know he's probably the best man of the group and I feel we're going to become friends. Because of how he THINKS. And so far, his actions haven't defined what a good man he is. But I can FEEL it. He's a good man.
All day to say that thoughts, actions, sure, but reflections, defines a man. EVERYTHING defines a man.
The existence of this threads says something of your mind, too. Anyone who's interested, intelligent and determined enough to write this thread and it's big wall of text, already answered part of his question. The only one who can answer it fully is that man himself.

Take care, bro!

 

[Volt]

Novel.

Yes, i think that's ultimately what i mean, i'm looking for something to follow, as i mentioned. I think where identity comes from, is that i'm looking for something to identify with so i can follow it. I can relate to having to pick something. I never deliberately hurt anyone physically to a significant degree, but if i follow my thought patterns i may as well be some sociopath. Just not a succesful one. 

I do try to do things that i'm afraid of, but probably not enough. I'm very close to getting a new job, which removes a huge stability factor from my life, and is something i rather not think about any more than necessary. Like i wrote in the diaries, i'm trying things to meet people, and additonally get over any fear of height i may have. 

I'm not going to be superman, fresia that, lol. If there's a superhero doing nothing but chasing anything supernatural all day, i'll be that guy. I get your point of course. I came across the idea this weekend that i should just find something to do with people coming together something related to something supernatural or spiritual or what have you. Whatever i do i have to solve the loneliness issue in conjuction with it, it's a big problem. Anyway that's my biggest lead i think. 

I think it's a problem that i let my thoughts run their course uninterrupted by any outside force for a super long time. That's part of the reason i write those stupid diaries too, because i'll inevitably think about how it'll be percieved by a wider public than just me. I had a conversation with a colleague i'm somewhat close with last week which made me go uhh a bit, ultimately the reason for this thread too.

I generally have a problem with try and be better. It's what i've been chasing for years now, but it's not really getting me anywhere. I think it's just because i don't try hard enough. But it spurred me to look into this direction too, to see if there's something that can help.

 

[user 139760]

Novel.

Yes, i think that's ultimately what i mean, i'm looking for something to follow, as i mentioned. I think where identity comes from, is that i'm looking for something to identify with so i can follow it. I can relate to having to pick something. I never deliberately hurt anyone physically to a significant degree, but if i follow my thought patterns i may as well be some sociopath. Just not a succesful one. 

I do try to do things that i'm afraid of, but probably not enough. I'm very close to getting a new job, which removes a huge stability factor from my life, and is something i rather not think about any more than necessary. Like i wrote in the diaries, i'm trying things to meet people, and additonally get over any fear of height i may have. 

I'm not going to be superman, fresia that, lol. If there's a superhero doing nothing but chasing anything supernatural all day, i'll be that guy. I get your point of course. I came across the idea this weekend that i should just find something to do with people coming together something related to something supernatural or spiritual or what have you. Whatever i do i have to solve the loneliness issue in conjuction with it, it's a big problem. Anyway that's my biggest lead i think. 

I think it's a problem that i let my thoughts run their course uninterrupted by any outside force for a super long time. That's part of the reason i write those stupid diaries too, because i'll inevitably think about how it'll be percieved by a wider public than just me. I had a conversation with a colleague i'm somewhat close with last week which made me go uhh a bit, ultimately the reason for this thread too.

I generally have a problem with try and be better. It's what i've been chasing for years now, but it's not really getting me anywhere. I think it's just because i don't try hard enough. But it spurred me to look into this direction too, to see if there's something that can help.

LOL I know, freakin' novel. I should be working and not hiding out typing goddamn novels here, but you know, when something's important, you freakin' take the time lol.

I'll try to keep it breefer lol. My own problems with my identity have to do with morality. Which is why I chose Superman, comic book Superman mind you, I hated the recent movie. Superman is a goodie two shoes. The "Big Blue Boyscout", even the vilains would ridicule him with that. Yet he wore it with pride. Peopel in the comics would point to kids and say "be like Superman". Not because he's strong, but because he's good. And I want to be him specifically because I never CAN be. He's the unatainable goal I'll never manage. I'll never be able to save everyone. I'll never be as honest, as just, as caring as he is. But I'll always try.
Life is more beautiful when it's impossible ;-) Kind of like Leonidas and his boys got butchered lol.
Well...you can be Constantine lol. Or Dean Winchester, but that implies you have a brother, a muscle car and don't mind living off credit card fraud ;-)
Maybe it isn't that you don't try hard enough. Because I feel that way sometimes too. Maybe it's because you aren't satisfied enough with what you have. Again, that's kind of my problem. The whole thing that happened with my kids...I've been repeated time again it wasn't my fault. But it IS my fault...I can never get rid of that. I should have known, should have guessed, should have DIVINED it, somehow, someway. Even though it's kind of irrational, it'll never go away. I don't believe it's normal for determined or courageous people who try and improve their lives to be satisfied until they're Kind of the World. And even then, I doubt it would be enough. Certainly wasn't for Napoleon, who was for about 24 hours ;-)
I don't have the financial means right now to back it up, nor the time, but with all that's happened, I decided I wanted to help. That's what I want to do with my life. Because I was helped, a lot, through all this. I don't know how bright I am, or how I can help, but as much as I can, I want to. If I can do it professionally, so much the better, but right now it's not an option until I reorganize things, which hasn't been going well. But if you have something that pushes you towards it, at least explore the possibility until which time you realize either it's right or it's wrong. And if you lose interest midway, so be it. Because if you don't try and make that trip to Idaho from Toronto, you wouldn't have stopped in Chicago and realized Chicago is really where you wanted to live all your life. Know what I mean? As cliche as it sounds, it's the journey that gives you more answers than a goal. At least that was my experience ;-)

Instead of following...how about leading? If you're very interested in politics, kind of like I am, why not go yell at the lazy burocrats? It's good money, plus considering several countries in the last several years, maybe some common sense would be a good change. I thought about it myself here in Quebec, but the ******** want 10 000 signatures and 25k cash. I couldn't afford it lol.

 

[Volt]

I'm glad to hear things seem to have worked out for you. Somewhat. I guess i'll find my way eventually too. As long as i keep doing things. I've tried in the past to be appreciative of what i have and all that, but it didn't really do much for me. Seemed wavy. Of course i'm glad i have a house but there are plenty of things to improve.

I know what you mean with it's always your fault. I'm the same. Because it just is my fault. There's always something i could've done different. No use in beating yourself up over it, but i do want to remind myself, everything bad happening to me is because of my doing and i fully deserve it. Of course i don't always think that when positive things happen to me, but i think it more often than my attitude would make it seem.

I don't really know what else to say, i appreciate the time you took.

 

[user 139760]

I want to see you say you'll run in politics lol. I want to know another famous person besides Chris Jericho and Kevin Owens, who both likely don't remember me, plus someone loaded with cash I can call for a favor lol.
I'd also be a change to have someone decent in the White House (I don't remember but assume you're American).

You don't have to say anything lol. Just read through and mull over it. I don't always react on it, but I'll think about everthing. Even if I have a conversation with someone who believe Lizard People invaded the US, I might ridicule it, but at some point I'll wonder, one night at home at 9 "Well...what if he's right?" lol. It's a great way to gain insight into things, to have different opinions or situations. That's how I make my own decisions and develop into who I am. Like to keep my options open.
So whatever you can take from that that helps is mission accomplished ;-) I want to help and you're a good guy. If those words help you become a rich famous billionnaire, you'll send me a chec....uhhhh, I mean I'll be happy you succeed ;-)

 

[Volt]

I will never get into politics. Following it is just a time sink, at the end of the day i don't really want to watch it. If i become a billionaire i will conveniently forget your existence. We'll see, haha.

 

[M_also_lonely]

The answer lies hidden within your post.

 

[ardour]

Feelings of inauthenticity aren't that unusual. I often feel like a fraud when it comes to politics or coherent moral viewpoints. Is this really me or a version of myself I wish to portray? Common enough, right? The demographic you're in doesn't help when it comes to a sense of identity.

Maybe it's just down to the way you're spending your free time. Porn addiction plus a lack of ability to derive enjoyment from anything sound like signs of depression. Not sure how worrying about politics or where you stand on this or that really helps.

 

[Volt]

Feelings of inauthenticity aren't that unusual. I often feel like a fraud when it comes to politics or coherent moral viewpoints. Is this really me or a version of myself I wish to portray? Common enough, right? The demographic you're in doesn't help when it comes to a sense of identity.

Maybe it's just down to the way you're spending your  free time. Porn addiction plus a lack of ability to derive enjoyment from anything sound like signs of depression. Not sure how worrying about politics or where you stand on this or that really helps.

Yeah fair enough, i guess i just feel like i am doing myself and a disservice if i'm not authentic enough. I do often things that maybe it's just my age, but i'm nearing 25 and so i think i should've figured this all out already. 

No i don't think it helps much. I think i just need to do more things really. It seems like whenever i do do something, as much as i sometimes agonize about all of the things i did wrong, i never regret doing it. Thank you for reading.

---

The answer lies hidden within your post.

Yeah i get that alot.

 

[user 108508]

I have a problem with my identity, because i don't know what it is. I don't think i've ever known, so i can't draw on anything from the past. I think that what i'm ultimately looking for is a path to follow. As in, if i have an identity, i can behave according to it....... 

Aww, Volt - hate that you are going through this. I think everyone has periods in life where they feel they 'lack direction', myself included. I can tell you that there is no magic age where you must have all of your honeysuckle together. Everyone is different, we grow in our own ways. Regardless of anyone else's expectations of when or how that should happen, ultimately it is you that makes the rules. Remember that.

When I have a problem, I tend to fixate on how to solve it from a logical perspective. So much so, that I analyze every detail, every scenario and outcome until it consumes me.  Of course, the more that I do that, the farther away the answer seems to be.

I have learned that if I 'distract' my active thoughts with something I enjoy, eventually the solution seems to materialize when I least expect it. That 'distraction' can be anything that shuts my brain off, so to speak - for me, it might be something as simple as baking a cake or immersing myself in a favorite hobby. Whatever works for you. I keep doing that until I can revisit the problem with a clearer head.

I do agree that finding a hobby might help. It doesn't matter what it is, as long as it interests YOU. Don't worry whether or not you are proficient at it, that's not the point. As long as you are passionate about it, want to learn more about it, look forward to putting it into practice - that is all it takes. The knowledge will come with time and there is no need to rush.

You mentioned in a few posts before about your curiosity with cooking vegetables and sought out recipes. Maybe that would be worth pursuing as a start? If it makes you feel good, do it. Maybe we can swap recipes then!

 

[Volt]

Aww, Volt - hate that you are going through this. I think everyone has periods in life where they feel they 'lack direction', myself included. I can tell you that there is no magic age where you must have all of your honeysuckle together. Everyone is different, we grow in our own ways. Regardless of anyone else's expectations of when or how that should happen, ultimately it is you that makes the rules. Remember that.

When I have a problem, I tend to fixate on how to solve it from a logical perspective. So much so, that I analyze every detail, every scenario and outcome until it consumes me.  Of course, the more that I do that, the farther away the answer seems to be.

I have learned that if I 'distract' my active thoughts with something I enjoy, eventually the solution seems to materialize when I least expect it. That 'distraction' can be anything that shuts my brain off, so to speak - for me, it might be something as simple as baking a cake or immersing myself in a favorite hobby. Whatever works for you. I keep doing that until I can revisit the problem with a clearer head.

I do agree that finding a hobby might help. It doesn't matter what it is, as long as it interests YOU. Don't worry whether or not you are proficient at it, that's not the point. As long as you are passionate about it, want to learn more about it, look forward to putting it into practice - that is all it takes. The knowledge will come with time and there is no need to rush.

You mentioned in a few posts before about your curiosity with cooking vegetables and sought out recipes. Maybe that would be worth pursuing as a start? If it makes you feel good, do it. Maybe we can swap recipes then!

Realizing that i make the rules seems to be half the work to getting there. 

I do pretty much the same. I try to strategise my life out continuously. I like doing it too, but i often overlook simple answers. So that's were talking about with others comes in, though i almost never do that. 

Yeah the hobby is a key part i think. I picked up climbing recently, and that's turning out great. I both have a hobby i so far really enjoy doing, and have more people around me. Two for one. The guys i went climbing with so far seem to not at all dislike having me around, i'm really happy with that. We're all learning and trying new things, and have a little dare here and there. I really enjoy it. 

Getting rid of the artificial things such as gaming seems to really help as well. I felt better since i did that, though i still need to step away from social media. The toughest part is finding stuff to do instead. I have to fill alot of hours. But i think i need to just do it and it'll work itself out. If i do it well i should find things eventually. 

I have little cooking knowledge so i'm expanding on that bit by bit. I don't really have recipes to share but i'm willing to receive. I want to get rid of bread and do more with meat and vegetables as the replacement. So that's where that is going. Not really a hobby, but more something i'm pursuing to see if it improves my health in some way.

 

[M_also_lonely]

Feelings of inauthenticity aren't that unusual. I often feel like a fraud when it comes to politics or coherent moral viewpoints. Is this really me or a version of myself I wish to portray? Common enough, right? The demographic you're in doesn't help when it comes to a sense of identity.

Maybe it's just down to the way you're spending your  free time. Porn addiction plus a lack of ability to derive enjoyment from anything sound like signs of depression. Not sure how worrying about politics or where you stand on this or that really helps.

Yeah fair enough, i guess i just feel like i am doing myself and a disservice if i'm not authentic enough. I do often things that maybe it's just my age, but i'm nearing 25 and so i think i should've figured this all out already. 

No i don't think it helps much. I think i just need to do more things really. It seems like whenever i do do something, as much as i sometimes agonize about all of the things i did wrong, i never regret doing it. Thank you for reading.

The answer lies hidden within your post.

Yeah i get that alot.

Here
"Do or say whatever comes up first in my head?"

 

[Enpatsu No Shakugan]

As unpleasant as it might be, you should consider exposing yourself in person to people you will challenge your views and not go easy on you. See if you can try to befriend them.

Happened to me when I part-timed at a leather shoe place. The two guys there (my boss and one of his friends) are two people I could probably never be actual friends with and who cause nothing but extreme stress within me, both by how hypocritical they are, how I felt they were treating me, and how our brains couldn't be on more vastly differing wavelengths if they tried.


...But that's the real world. You can not get along with someone, but you have to learn to adapt to it and not make yourself look like an idiot. That experience helped me so much in learning about myself and even what my identity really was.

It's not fun, but real world experience just out in the world, especially around those who are extremely critical of you, will definitely improve yourself so long as you have the courage to change and face it.

 

[TheLoadedDog]

Impostor syndrome, maybe?

I get that a lot. I'll be doing something grown-up like holding a driver's licence or voting. I'm always half-expecting some "real" grown-up to tap me on the shoulder and tell me to run along home. I'm 47, but I still feel like I'm six.