If a man is 35 and never had a woman romantically interested in him....

[user 190861]

Would you say the likelihood is he never will?

The man I'm talking about is me. I'm in my 36th year and have yet to go on my first date, have my first kiss etc. I can't believe I've reached this point.

Unless you look like Quasimoto, the bell ringer of Notre Dame, let's say you are just an average looking guy, who is painfuilly shy.

You could have Asperger syndrome, a neurodevelopmental condition characterized by significant difficulties
in social interaction and nonverbal communication. These individuals have difficulty reading social clues, someone who
avoids certain social interactions, and situations, out of fear.

 

[Unsigned]

You could have Asperger syndrome, a neurodevelopmental condition characterized by significant difficulties
in social interaction and nonverbal communication. These individuals have difficulty reading social clues, someone who
avoids certain social interactions, and situations, out of fear.

Does it wane as one gets older?
Because you kind of described me.
I absolutely am not able to pick up on "nonverbal communication". Never could, never will. You have to tell me everything very directly with spoken or written words. And when I was younger I used to fear social interactions and situations that weren't under my complete control, but now that I am older I really don't care anymore what people think, thus I socialize much more than when I was young.


EDIT:
OK I looked it up. I don't have this. I suppose I am just (or was) somewhat socially awkward/undeveloped.
Here are the 12 points of Asberger's.
I only have 2 of these - the body language thing and the repetitive behavior (drinking and seeing escorts).

• Trouble taking turns during conversations
• Difficulty interpreting social cues, body language, tone of voice and facial expressions
• Struggles to empathize with or understand the perspective of others
• Difficulty staying on task and understanding or following directions
• Inappropriate eye contact
• Disorganization
• Behavior problems, including aggression, outbursts or isolation
• Struggle to regulate emotions
• Obsessions or repetitive behaviors
• Rigid need for routine and structure
• Lack of motor coordination
• Sensory sensitivity to textures, lights, and sounds

 

[TropicalStarfish]

Does it wane as one gets older?
Because you kind of described me.
I absolutely am not able to pick up on "nonverbal communication". Never could, never will. You have to tell me everything very directly with spoken or written words. And when I was younger I used to fear social interactions and situations that weren't under my complete control, but now that I am older I really don't care anymore what people think, thus I socialize much more than when I was young.


EDIT:
OK I looked it up. I don't have this. I suppose I am just (or was) somewhat socially awkward/undeveloped.
Here are the 12 points of Asberger's.
I only have 2 of these - the body language thing and the repetitive behavior (drinking and seeing escorts).

• Trouble taking turns during conversations
• Difficulty interpreting social cues, body language, tone of voice and facial expressions
• Struggles to empathize with or understand the perspective of others
• Difficulty staying on task and understanding or following directions
• Inappropriate eye contact
• Disorganization
• Behavior problems, including aggression, outbursts or isolation
• Struggle to regulate emotions
• Obsessions or repetitive behaviors
• Rigid need for routine and structure
• Lack of motor coordination
• Sensory sensitivity to textures, lights, and sounds

It's pretty easy to get tested (if you can afford it). Some people are extremely high functioning and don't find out they have autism until their 40's or something. It's less noticeable in women (probably because societal/genetic factors, generally, predispose women to being more prosocial, so they adapt differently).

I'm not sure what getting a confirmation would really change though, for you. They have their, 'mendicants,' and beyond that there is talk therapy and support groups (which some people get a lot out of). Although, might not hurt. Though, most psychology/psychiatry types would probably tend to poo-poo your lifestyle choices; though you have a high degree of autonomy so, if you didn't click with anyone you could just bail, I suppose..

In the future, I suspect, psychology/psychiatry will have a crossroads to take. One, they'll continue to double down on the status-quo. Or, they'll begin to realize there is no real, 'fine line,' between mental disorder and order; and that, the rabbit hole, is simultaneously quite deep, but, also, about as shallow as the egos that define it's depths...

 

[Unsigned]

I'm not sure what getting a confirmation would really change though, for you.

It would be a useless endeavor and wouldn't change a thing.
It's not like I would go and put a profile on "Our Time" or something.

 

[TropicalStarfish]

It would be a useless endeavor and wouldn't change a thing.
It's not like I would go and put a profile on "Our Time" or something.

View attachment 8389

'Tis better to have loved and lost, than to've never loved at all...

Have you heard of, uhmm, what's his name..? John McAfee... He was an interesting character. I followed along in his escapades towards the end...

 

[Unsigned]

'Tis better to have loved and lost, than to've never loved at all...

Have you heard of, uhmm, what's his name..? John McAfee... He was an interesting character. I followed along in his escapades towards the end...

Ah yes. Mr. Meth. AKA...how to lose $100 million dollars on hookers & drugs.

Interesting. He was in Tech, too...

 

[TropicalStarfish]

Ah yes. Mr. Meth. AKA...how to lose $100 million dollars on hookers & drugs.

Interesting. He was in Tech, too...

He had a good heart; don't be so quick to judge. Interesting life story there, I'd recommend you check it out. Libertarian. Married man for many years... *shrugs* He gave a lot of personal interviews towards the end. An absolute rascal

 

[Unsigned]

He had a good heart; don't be so quick to judge. Interesting life story there, I'd recommend you check it out. Libertarian. Married man for many years... *shrugs* He gave a lot of personal interviews towards the end. An absolute rascal

Errrm...spending $100M and dying broke is actually pretty damn good in my book...

 

[TropicalStarfish]

Errrm...spending $100M and dying broke is actually pretty **** good in my book...

eh, maybe I misunderstood. Tired here. I don't think he was a role model or anything of the sort, quite the opposite probably; to be clear. heh. But, interesting character..

 

[Cherubino]

I got or rather was taught autism from my mother but I'm able to decode signals from women if I'll ever get any

 

[TheSkaFish]

OK I looked it up. I don't have this. I suppose I am just (or was) somewhat socially awkward/undeveloped.
Here are the 12 points of Asberger's.
I only have 2 of these - the body language thing and the repetitive behavior (drinking and seeing escorts).

• Trouble taking turns during conversations
• Difficulty interpreting social cues, body language, tone of voice and facial expressions
• Struggles to empathize with or understand the perspective of others
• Difficulty staying on task and understanding or following directions
• Inappropriate eye contact
• Disorganization
• Behavior problems, including aggression, outbursts or isolation
• Struggle to regulate emotions
• Obsessions or repetitive behaviors
• Rigid need for routine and structure
• Lack of motor coordination
• Sensory sensitivity to textures, lights, and sounds

Oh wow, I have most to all of these things.

Or at least, a lot of these things are my default, unconscious ways of doing things.
I have to consciously do them differently, and reason out the "how" and "why" of doing the right thing instead.

I've never been tested, and I don't know if I really have it. It would be interesting to find out sometime.

I sometimes wonder if the way I am is the result of the position in life I was born to (not awesome, but used to be at least a little bit better than this / normal-ish). Or, the body and mind I was born to.

If I was born to a stronger position in life, into a stronger body, and better at things, I'd probably have been a more confident, and happier, less pessimistic person - and ultimately, a more attractive person.

 

[ardour]

I have to wonder what % of autism is misdiagnosed poor childhood socialisation.

 

[TheSkaFish]

I have to wonder what % of autism is misdiagnosed poor childhood socialisation.

I don't know.

It has me thinking though, I wasn't encouraged to be aggressive growing up, I was allowed to be non-competitive.

I was allowed to opt out of the game of social competition, which always seemed cold and ugly to me.

But it's just as well because I didn't have the traits/strong suits, to justify an aggressive/competitive attitude and personality anyway.

I don't think I had much choice but to be like this.

I guess it put me out of touch with the way most of the world seems to think, and with things like capitalism, popularity, and biology themselves.

But, at least as a kid, I was mostly happy. It's too bad things have to change.

 

[Unsigned]

I wasn't encouraged to be aggressive growing up

I was highly encouraged to be aggressive by both parents (mother constantly chiding me, father piping up when he was around) but NOT given the skill set and knowledge to implement aggressiveness skillfully and successfully.

In other words I was a weak skinny kid whose parents chided him (especially the mother) for being a skinny weakling who stayed home and wasn't some popular sports star with a pretty girlfriend that they could brag about to their snooty friends who would brag to them about their kids.

It...wasn't so good.
Again, they should have shipped me off to military school. We all would have been better off.

 

[OzoneX22]

I have to wonder what % of autism is misdiagnosed poor childhood socialisation.

I think there is, it's just not being done in the right way

 

[LonelySgt]

Would you say the likelihood is he never will?

The man I'm talking about is me. I'm in my 36th year and have yet to go on my first date, have my first kiss etc. I can't believe I've reached this point.

From all the replies with advice what has happened since? Are you better now?