Illogical Self-Deprecation

[TheSolitaryMan]

My humour has always had a sort of self-deprecating slant to it, for years.

However, more recently I'm starting to realise that the reason I use that humour so much is that I really don't value myself. I feel totally useless, unlovable and inexplicably like I'm a "poor human being" all the time, even though there's no reason for it.

As an example, I've come home from parties and things absolutely convinced I've been dull/offensive/too quiet in my discussions with people and felt absolutely awful about it. Then people will say they really enjoyed my company or something when I next see them, and I feel better.

At the same time though, I feel weird that anyone would want to spend time with me. It's like it doesn't make sense that they're telling me that and I don't want to believe it.

Today, I had a gigantic bust-up with my parents and we all got really upset. Afterwards it seemed totally ridiculous, because in a key moment I mentioned I constantly feel like I'm not doing them justice as a person and they just couldn't even understand what I meant.

Both my father and mother said they were very proud of me and I couldn't possibly be a better son. This, again, struck me as really odd. I'd convinced myself I was totally failing them and I was useless at everything.

They told me about a family friend's son, who is alcoholic. They said if I had some kind of problem like that, they could understand me being so intensely down on myself.

By contrast, I always do what they tell me. I don't drink, don't do drugs, don't have casual sex or do anything to embarrass them. I'm polite to people, I work hard and have good future prospects.

I even remember saying to them recently "I'm so glad you raised me how you did, I don't think I could ask for better parents."

So what they're saying is ultimately true, but I feel like I'm failing to be a good son anyway. I don't even know why!

One of the big reasons I've never asked a girl out is that I've never felt like I'd be a good or responsible boyfriend. Even when a girl is really flirting with me and I get on with her well, I feel like I'd just let her down or cause her nothing but misery regardless.

When I'm not scoring really high marks at my studies I get very moody and dark-minded too. One bad test result can convince me I'm totally worthless intellectually.

I guess I'm just really fed up with this whole attitude I have. Right now I know it's a load of ******** and I'm judging myself in a twisted way, but give it a few weeks and I'll be once again convinced I am ugly/stupid/inefficient despite any evidence to the contrary.

---

Does anyone have any ideas for how I can break out of this? Or things I should do to ease such bizarre and self-destructive thinking?

I've never been really high on confidence, but I didn't used to tear myself apart with baseless self criticism in the past

 

[Lonesome Crow]

Our eyes have a blinde spots on each eye balls.

Our brain create images
To cover those blinde spot so the body function in what ever
Environment. That part of
Our brain is impartial.
It dosnt distinguished between
Good or bad.

K...
Imagine of the many many
Illusions your brain created
So you can function in whatever
Environment...heathy or unhealthy.lol

---

We see with our brains not
Our eyes....

 

[sylvestris lybica]

I think part of why the whole self-deprecation thing can be so maddening is that you do know in the back of your head that you aren't as big of a **** up as you tell yourself you are. And it just does not make sense that you would choose to feel bad, choose to punish yourself, choose to dwell in anxiety when you would rather be calm. But I think a lot of the times when you're beating yourself up, it's because you're afraid someone else is thinking what you're thinking. It's like you're saying "I have to put myself down before anyone else puts me down," as if being put down is an inevitability. I don't know if it's the case with you, but that's kind of why I do it. If it is the case, that you're expecting people to judge you negatively, remember that people are generally worrying about themselves more than you. And if you aren't a leech, a mooch, an addict, or a rampant *******, most people are going to have an okay opinion of you so you may as well have an okay opinion of yourself. Easier said than done, but that's how the "logic" goes.

 

[Lonesome Crow]

Just stop beating up on yourself.
When negative thoughts and feelings arises...cast it aside,
BASHING IT, SEE IT DESOLVE
INTO THE NOTHING
Stop, drop it, dont run with it.
LET IT GO, DONT FIGURE IT OUT.

WASH, RINSE, AND REPEAT.
WASH, RINSE AND REPEAT
WASH, RINSE AND REPEAT.

MENTAL HABITS.

At the end of the day
Or comon sense tells you
all the negative **** that gose
Roind and round is fucken retarded.
You don't diesect or analize your ****..or do you?
You simply flush it down the toilet and
Never think about it again..

Its like potty training your brain to take a dump.
Or **** it...just take up meditations.
Empty your mother ficken mind.lol

---

Thers a passage is in the bible that
Explains the mechanics of our mind.
Its in mathew..i csnt recall the exact
Passsge.
Getting our mind out of the gutter
Dosnt refer to sexuallity..
Its referimg to our negative thinking.

The bible is full of sexuality.
Try reading the books of psams.

 

[TheSolitaryMan]

At the end of the day
Or comon sense tells you
all the negative **** that gose
Roind and round is fucken retarded.
You don't diesect or analize your ****..or do you?
You simply flush it down the toilet and
Never think about it again..

Hehe, unfortunately I tend to analyse the day-to-day negative stuff too LC! I appreciate the sentiment though, thanks.

I think part of why the whole self-deprecation thing can be so maddening is that you do know in the back of your head that you aren't as big of a **** up as you tell yourself you are. And it just does not make sense that you would choose to feel bad, choose to punish yourself, choose to dwell in anxiety when you would rather be calm. But I think a lot of the times when you're beating yourself up, it's because you're afraid someone else is thinking what you're thinking. It's like you're saying "I have to put myself down before anyone else puts me down," as if being put down is an inevitability. I don't know if it's the case with you, but that's kind of why I do it. If it is the case, that you're expecting people to judge you negatively, remember that people are generally worrying about themselves more than you. And if you aren't a leech, a mooch, an addict, or a rampant *******, most people are going to have an okay opinion of you so you may as well have an okay opinion of yourself. Easier said than done, but that's how the "logic" goes.

Thanks Sylvestris. Yeah, I think there is an element of that to it.

The real difficulty is actually changing my way of thinking. It's so easy to debate it and mull it over, but making a genuine difference in my mind is not a piece of cake :shy:

 

[Lonesome Crow]

A lot of it has to with how we feel.
So ive read.
It just depends. Sometime my emotions
trigger thoughs or memories.
Other times Im frustrate with my current
Llife situation. So whatever Im fustrate
With..my feelings are telling me to
take alternative actions ive been taking.
But im only able to take positve actions
To the resources thats available to me.
Whats currently available to me dosnt
Solve my current life situation.
Hence the fustraions and the feeling
Of not being in control of my life..
Then the guilt and anger sets in.
Then depressions. Then whatever
Negative ****....
Then i need to check the ****
Out cuase my mind wont stop.
Or engauge in other activities
Thats not going to improve my
Life...such as watching TV or
Sleeping.
It the past ill just go chase women or
Bar hoping...while my life remains unmanageable.
Or ill make **** worst.

I cant do that today becuase i love
My fiance..
Shes fustrated just the same.
She choose to check out to
cope.

---

Then if i go trying to fivure all the **** out,
Itll fustrate me even more.

---

SHE TELLS ME SHE LOVES ME EVERYDAY.

I DON'T FEEL HER LOVE BECAUSE
OF ALL THE **** THAT GOSE SPINNING IN MY HEAD.

---

I feel like **** today.

 

[roguewave]

The first thing you have to do is to be aware of your feelings/mindset and pick up on the negative feelings about yourself in the moment. It sounds elementary and self explanatory but it's surprising how often we'll be feeling down on ourselves and will not pick up on it. Instead some people will mellow out into a dreary mood so try and name exactly what you are feeling about yourself.
This is half of it. If you already have that part down then the next step is to counter it, constantly with positive statements about yourself and by challenging the negative thoughts. It takes a long time and constant attentiveness.
Frankly, I find it exhausting, but helpful.
I hope I have explained this well, seeing as it's more of an abstract concept.
And the constant replaying in the mind of ones words and actions is bittersweet. It's good to be aware of your social behavior but on the other hand, it can reach a point where it is totally destructive and blurs into this obsessive repetition that takes on a life of its own.

 

[Lonely in BC]

Good evening TSM,

I've thought about your post for awhile. I've never met you, we come from different generations and social backgrounds but I can honestly say that I'm sure I would enjoy the opportunity to sit and chat with you.

My reasons?

First off, you indicate an enviable moral standard. I haven't noticed much in the way of prejudice, conceit, or overall poor character in your posts- these are things I look for, people who have them are people I quickly lose interest in.

Going further, you seem to have an ability to express yourself in a way that I suspect you'd make for an interesting conversation once you found your comfort zone. Unless you're plagiarizing someone else's writing of course

That's my two cents[/align]

 

[Okiedokes]

You probably have unrealistic expectations set for yourself and like the others said it is good that you have found this out and now to focus on all your positive qualities Nobody is perfect and nobody can be and we are all equals no matter what.

 

[IgnoredOne]

TSM, have you tried to focus on your consistent successes? Use one of those, especially something that takes great effort, and define yourself by that.

 

[Lonesome Crow]

The sedana method though me how to let go of my negative
Emotionals.
I had to proactively listen to
The instructor talk me though
The process of releasing my
Negative feelings and not
Run with my thoughts.
I had to take time or make time for
These sessions or practice doing
Them. I had PTSD. My thoughts
And feelings were mooshed.

---

Within a couple of weeks i felt better..but its still an on going
Process. I stil listen to those
As a sort of mental and emotional
House keeping.

I also set time in the morning
To go over my gratitude list.
Its helps me to stop running
With negative emotions because
I don't wake up in a good mood
all the time. Basucally getting
Pro active on creating positive
Feelings and attitudes.

I can start my day over anytime i want.
This helps me to get back on track
Of creating good moods and attitudes
Instead of running with bad moodd.
Healthy living tools or copping skills
Ive learned. It works if i work it.

---

I also take simple walks out in open spaces.
It helps clear my mind and gets me to being
In the moment and not in my head.

---

I know it might sound corny..but
Im just stopping to smell the roses
And enjoying the simple things
In life. Im creating and experiencing peaceful
Emotions.

---

Ive also been doing a lot of positive self talk. And changed my negative inner
Voice to a positive inner vioce.

Ive also made a recording of myself
Saying positive statements of myself.
I listen to this recording often.
Within time..ill hear positive messages
of my own voice...i run on that.

---

I also allow myself to feel good.
Such as the feeling of getting and
Having everything already.
I also allow myself to recall the
Many,many great times Renae and
I have together. Not so much to
Live in the past but to trigger positive
feelings and experience those feelings.
Again, im proactively triggering or
Creating positive thoights and feelings.

---

My current living situation isnt perfect
Becuase my fiance have a lot of issues
Like most of us and then some.
It can be very stressful living with her.
Living with her sometimes truamatize
Me.
I love her very much.
I have lots of coping skills and tools
so that im not too effected by her.
Somedays are better than other.
She makes process then regress..
It effects me, so im proactively
Or having to do more mental and
Emotional house keeping then
I usually would.
Sometimes i wanna cry because
It gets really bad..but i allow
Myself to cry so that i don't
Surpress my emotions or bag
Them.

 

[Lonesome Crow]

Renae and had many many qualiy
Time together. Strolling on the beach
Or just dancing under the moon light
Or just rollong around in bed.
Shes not all bad.
Shes just ill....
Anyway, what im saying is...
Allow youtself to trigger happy
Thoughts and experiences you
Had.
Positve beget positive.

 

[TheSolitaryMan]

TSM, have you tried to focus on your consistent successes? Use one of those, especially something that takes great effort, and define yourself by that.

This is one of the biggest problems I have right now actually! Finding a success worth focusing on

Back in my first year of Uni I was hitting really good grades a lot of the time and I felt happier than I do now.

Unfortunately, I seem to have just lost some of my motivation lately. I just cannot get the drive to really study my textbooks, for example - and it's immensely frustrating.

It's like I'm putting in the effort, but I'm doing it in a totally inefficient and counter intuitive way; this has led to a drop to mediocre grades. They're not even "bad", but each 55% I get feels like I'm wasting my potential, which then puts me on a very negative cycle.

So...right now I can't really look at work success to buoy me up.

I take a look at the other aspects of my life and:

- I don't have a girlfriend, even though I'd like one.
- I don't have any close friends since they all moved away.
- I don't have a social life.
- I don't really have my own independance right now either, due to family illness.

Which...well, makes it hard to think positively sometimes

I wish I had the key to just getting back my old passion for my work at least, getting scores at 80-90%, but it's been so long since I felt confident and happy in my intellectual ability that I just wonder if I've lost it somehow to be honest.

Urgh, long response, sorry. Perhaps I'm not letting anyone else down, but I feel like I'm letting myself down...I just can't seem to find a way to rectify it.

 

[Lonesome Crow]

What advice would you give someone else
In your shoes or situation of retifying
His problems?
Go with that

 

[TheSolitaryMan]

What advice would you give someone else
In your shoes or situation of retifying
His problems?
Go with that

I'd say:

"You need to work harder. You should establish a daily routine that puts your work before leisure activities and make sure you fully comprehend all the concepts you're learning before moving on.

Furthermore, when girls are showing you attention you should stop holding back and instead fully respond. You should lighten up and enjoy the attention, kiss some ladies if they like you."

Unfortunately, I'm no good at following advice I give myself!