I'm a total idiot and need advice

[usernamesarehard3009]

This has been all I could think about for the past 4 days. I can't focus on anything, I can't stop replaying the situation in my head over and over and over, like what I would say, how she'd react, if I should even say anything in the first place, what she might be thinking about the entire situation, and all kinds of other crap bogging up my mind.

I sent her two paragraphs a couple months ago about how I'm sorry and I feel terrible for what I did, and I should have tried to communicate about it with her so that things wouldn't go the way they did. She replied saying she never thought I would actually say anything to her again, that she missed me and will never forget the fun times we had. We also talked about where life has taken us since we split. I didn't do this with intent to get back with her. I just didn't want her to remember me as the ******* who stopped talking to her without ever apologizing or at least telling her why. And I just wanted to fix things.

And that's all I thought this would be. I just wanted to apologize, and then we could both move on. I thought she must have already found another, probably better guy by then so I didn't wanna move past that. Now here's the miserable part. She asked me if I wanted to play a game someday... 16. WEEKS. AGO. That was LITERALLY THE DAY AFTER WE LAST TALKED. Now I'm super messed. I'm not great at talking to people, especially girls, but I think that had to have been a hint. Remember when I mentioned she said she misses me earlier? I was too stupid to realize that must have been a hint too, which also makes the other one sound even more like a hint. Even if they weren't and she just wants to be friends, I would still feel like crap for missing that. I don't have any friends so someone to hang out with would be really nice.

Someone please help. What the hell do I do about this? Half of me thinks it's too late and I should just go die in a hole or something. Other half of me says there's still hope, that if she's willing to forgive you after all those years, 16 weeks (3 months) is nothing. But to that my other half says, she opened back up to you even after all of that, but got radio silence AGAIN and won't forgive it a second time.

 

[okidoke]

What does the little man inside your head tell you? You already know the answer. Be honest with yourself.

 

[user 139760]

Well, what exactly did you do to warrant the idiot of the year award? What was the seperation about, what exactly did you need to apologize about?
Then...do you love this woman? Are you going to repeat said behavior if you do get back with her again? There's not a lot of details and the details kind of matter in cases like this.

 

[usernamesarehard3009]

Well, what exactly did you do to warrant the idiot of the year award? What was the seperation about, what exactly did you need to apologize about?

I didn't want to get into that stuff because it's something I'm really ashamed about and deeply regret. When we first got together she was the one who asked me out and I had no interest in her prior. I never had a girlfriend nor have I had anyone ask me out before so I didn't know what to say, but I definitely couldn't say no because 1. I didn't want to be mean and 2. She kind of put me on the spotlight as 2 other people were with us. So I just said yes anyway, and at first it was completely one-sided but eventually I actually developed feelings for her. She wanted to hang out all the time with me and I had almost no time for myself or for my gamedev projects. Spending time with her felt like a chore, I kind of started to hate her even. And instead of maybe talking to her about it and trying to set boundaries or something, I just.. stopped talking to her.

Then...do you love this woman? Are you going to repeat said behavior if you do get back with her again? There's not a lot of details and the details kind of matter in cases like this.

That's a good question... I have no idea. I haven't been in another relationship, so I have no other reference of what love is supposed to be, But I know I really want her to take me back, so there's that.
I'll do my best to strengthen our communication this time (if anything even happens) so that something like this won't happen again. It's also been a very long time, and I'm sure we're both more matured now.

 

[usernamesarehard3009]

What does the little man inside your head tell you? You already know the answer. Be honest with yourself.

The little man says to go and talk to her. But the little man is also, really, scared.

 

[user 139760]

I didn't want to get into that stuff because it's something I'm really ashamed about and deeply regret. When we first got together she was the one who asked me out and I had no interest in her prior. I never had a girlfriend nor have I had anyone ask me out before so I didn't know what to say, but I definitely couldn't say no because 1. I didn't want to be mean and 2. She kind of put me on the spotlight as 2 other people were with us. So I just said yes anyway, and at first it was completely one-sided but eventually I actually developed feelings for her. She wanted to hang out all the time with me and I had almost no time for myself or for my gamedev projects. Spending time with her felt like a chore, I kind of started to hate her even. And instead of maybe talking to her about it and trying to set boundaries or something, I just.. stopped talking to her.


That's a good question... I have no idea. I haven't been in another relationship, so I have no other reference of what love is supposed to be, But I know I really want her to take me back, so there's that.
I'll do my best to strengthen our communication this time (if anything even happens) so that something like this won't happen again. It's also been a very long time, and I'm sure we're both more matured now.

I see. Well, first off, don't be scared. It's not like she can kill you. Second, at least talk to her about what happened and how you feel.
Third, it won't be the same. I've found revisiting the past rarely works, but every circumstances are different.
Last, you already know what to do. Indeed, set some boundaries on the where and how, if it gets to that point. Keep in mind, it may not, you may be reading her wrong and mistaking in her intentions. Be clear on everything. But I don't think you lose anything on talking about how you feel.
Good luck, man.

 

[okidoke]

The little man says to go and talk to her. But the little man is also, really, scared.

Well talk to the big man then. Face your fear and do it anyway. Get out of your comfort zone. Take the bull by the horns as they say.

Listen, we can give you all sorts of advice but in the end if you want anything to happen with her then you have to make it happen. Even if she turns you down at least you can be proud of yourself for having a go. The alternative is, well, nothing except wondering “what if”. Just do it. If you bomb out, you bomb out, but you just might get what you want. All the best either way.

 

[usernamesarehard3009]

Well talk to the big man then. Face your fear and do it anyway. Get out of your comfort zone. Take the bull by the horns as they say.

Listen, we can give you all sorts of advice but in the end if you want anything to happen with her then you have to make it happen. Even if she turns you down at least you can be proud of yourself for having a go. The alternative is, well, nothing except wondering “what if”. Just do it. If you bomb out, you bomb out, but you just might get what you want. All the best either way.

I guess you're both right. But it doesn't help the fact I'm absolutely petrified of it. I really struggle focusing on a single topic usually, my brain just thinks at hyper speed and every half second I find myself thinking about something completely different. So it's really weird to have my mind so focused on one thing: her. Everything reminds me of her. Everything. I've went through the scenario a million times already. I've already thought of everything you've said. That I should get out of my comfort zone, just bite the bullet, etc. That's why I came here, to get another person's unbiased, more logical opinion on the matter. I've already made up my mind that I *am* going to talk to her. Though I have been procrastinating on it for the past week.. So instead of help with approaching her in the first place, I instead need help with what I should say.

But, uh, no. I can't be "proud for at least giving it a go". I would probably really regret it.

There's also another problem, distance. She lives in another country. When we were together, we had plans to meet and go on a date as coincidentally she and her family was already planning a visit to the Netherlands, where I lived at the time. But we split before that happened. When we caught up a couple months ago, she mentioned that she felt really sad going there because it reminded her of me. That really hurt.

 

[usernamesarehard3009]

Well talk to the big man then. Face your fear and do it anyway. Get out of your comfort zone. Take the bull by the horns as they say.

Listen, we can give you all sorts of advice but in the end if you want anything to happen with her then you have to make it happen. Even if she turns you down at least you can be proud of yourself for having a go. The alternative is, well, nothing except wondering “what if”. Just do it. If you bomb out, you bomb out, but you just might get what you want. All the best either way.

Ok fresia it I just did. I finally mustered up the courage. I sent her a message asking if we can talk. My heart is gonna jump out of my ******* chest.

 

[CenotaphGirl]

Ok fresia it I just did. I finally mustered up the courage. I sent her a message asking if we can talk. My heart is gonna jump out of my ******* chest.

You only live onceeee good luck

 

[usernamesarehard3009]

You only live onceeee good luck

Thanks, it went pretty well I think. She responded almost instantly which shook me
She said she isn't mad at me and forgave me a while ago, and I shouldn't take it so seriously because it happened so long ago. If I'm being completely honest I cried tears of joy for like 5 seconds and then calmed down. It took everything out of me to do this.

We are having a pretty nice conversation right now. It feels so surreal, we're talking like we're just acquaintances.

 

[TheRealCallie]

We are having a pretty nice conversation right now. It feels so surreal, we're talking like we're just acquaintances.

How long has it been since you were together?
If it's been years, that's really what you are now. I would hope that you've both changed, so now it's a matter of getting to know one another again. Even if the feelings are still there for both of you, you still have to reacquaint yourselves. Just enjoy it.

 

[usernamesarehard3009]

How long has it been since you were together?
If it's been years, that's really what you are now. I would hope that you've both changed, so now it's a matter of getting to know one another again. Even if the feelings are still there for both of you, you still have to reacquaint yourselves. Just enjoy it.

It's been quite long but not that much, just 2 years. And yeah, you're right. We've both changed quite a lot

 

[CenotaphGirl]

Thanks, it went pretty well I think. She responded almost instantly which shook me
She said she isn't mad at me and forgave me a while ago, and I shouldn't take it so seriously because it happened so long ago. If I'm being completely honest I cried tears of joy for like 5 seconds and then calmed down. It took everything out of me to do this.

We are having a pretty nice conversation right now. It feels so surreal, we're talking like we're just acquaintances.

How rooooomanticc good luck to the both of ya some people miss their chance with love because they were too scared to try again

 

[okidoke]

It's been quite long but not that much, just 2 years. And yeah, you're right. We've both changed quite a lot

So where are you at now with her?

 

[bsomberg]

The little man says to go and talk to her. But the little man is also, really, scared.

Have you contacted in the last 16 weeks. Wouldn't it be tragic if she were wondering why you didn't call her? Don't be scared (what have you got to lose?). Contact her. Tell her you are ready to play whatever game that was she was suggesting. Tell he you miss her and would like to see her again. Remind her of all the good times you shared with her? She may tell you she is involved with another guy and that you should go to hell. Or she may just tell you to go to hell. Or...she might welcome your call and wonder why it has been so long? The point is that in none of those scenarios will you be any worse off than you are. Don't think about it, just do it.

 

[user 190648]

What an interesting thread. My honest and full compassion for your struggle, @usernamesarehard3009. Yet -- and I won't ask you to excuse me for that -- my honest and full compassion goes to the woman you talk about, too. Bc, I am myself in a very very VERY similar situation, put there by a guy, and this caused the worst ever break-down in my life. So, my humble suggestion to you would be:

To be scared of communication/fail/rejection is a thing understandable. But not sinful. To cause to someone underserved hurt, tho, is the very definition of what "sinful" is. So, it is always about the same thing: "Would I allow myself to hurt this person/being, or I will cause struggle to myself but avoid the hurt?"

To the difference with your story -- at least, in the way you describe it -- in my case, the guy's worries were not related to the communication and anxiety thing itself, but to his plans in career and, haha, image. Yet, no matter what's the case, our main question has to be: "Would I undeservedly hurt the other person/s (being/s)?" and once you start putting this question first, it gets easier and easier to do it every next time.

I wish you and this woman luck, from the bottom of my heart.