I'm sick of all of this

[arekkusu]

When I was very young, both of my parents went into psychiatric care and I had abusive foster parents

When I was ten I was diagnosed with autism

In school I always avoided people... All my free time I hid in the toilets. My school had an autism unit with a big lockable toilet room and one of my fondest memories was sitting against the radiator in the winter. They'd complain about me being in there and tell me it was disgusting, but they wouldn't do a single thing about me being unable to make friends

And at home it was crazy. My mum would randomly freak out and start smashing plates on the floor and screaming... it happened so many times. She got sectioned so many times. And it got to the point where when we got home and she wasn't there, we'd be happy because we knew they're be some sort of stability.

Then I went in to sixth form and suddenly there was no support. It was weird as hell. I couldn't cope. I can barely even remember this period.

At some point I did a course and went to university, but I was only able to cope for a week before losing my mind from being around other people.

And since then I've been here, hiding away from people. I'm 33 now. I don't care about my life all that much anymore; I want to be comfortable and I'd really like to be able to cuddle something or someone. I've been learning Japanese on my own and that's the only thing that has given my life any meaning.

I'm just tired of everything... I have no friends and nobody fullstop. I've never been able to confide in a single person in my whole life. I've never had a close friend.

 

[Adamridge79]

Having friends can be overrated. Well, most people that are 'healthy' disagree with me. I can kind of relate on the parent level, mine were more in the alcoholic realm. I'll admit, I didn't understand your school references, so I'm not sure if my experiences were the same. But I'm always up for sharing childhood hellscapes, especially when there's no pity associated with it.

 

[Finished]

When I was very young, both of my parents went into psychiatric care and I had abusive foster parents

When I was ten I was diagnosed with autism

In school I always avoided people... All my free time I hid in the toilets. My school had an autism unit with a big lockable toilet room and one of my fondest memories was sitting against the radiator in the winter. They'd complain about me being in there and tell me it was disgusting, but they wouldn't do a single thing about me being unable to make friends

And at home it was crazy. My mum would randomly freak out and start smashing plates on the floor and screaming... it happened so many times. She got sectioned so many times. And it got to the point where when we got home and she wasn't there, we'd be happy because we knew they're be some sort of stability.

Then I went in to sixth form and suddenly there was no support. It was weird as hell. I couldn't cope. I can barely even remember this period.

At some point I did a course and went to university, but I was only able to cope for a week before losing my mind from being around other people.

And since then I've been here, hiding away from people. I'm 33 now. I don't care about my life all that much anymore; I want to be comfortable and I'd really like to be able to cuddle something or someone. I've been learning Japanese on my own and that's the only thing that has given my life any meaning.

I'm just tired of everything... I have no friends and nobody fullstop. I've never been able to confide in a single person in my whole life. I've never had a close friend.

That's a lot to have to deal with and try to recover from. It's great that you are learning Japanese. Maybe there's a Japanese forum where you might be able to find some online friends. I've long since given up on finding friends in real life. I wish you well.

 

[Sir Joseph]

Arekkusu, we hear you. I think all of us here are lacking the relationships we need, be it family, a good friend, or a true lover. There's no easy or simple solution, but I'd offer this comment.

As a Christian, I believe that we were created for a purpose, and that is to love God and to love people. I find the first part easy and the second part a lifetime endeavor of problems and disappointments. We "learn" though how to love others by engaging with them, and that includes interacting with difficult and unloving people. In the process, we not only shape our own hearts and characters into what God intended for us to be, but we help others along the way do the same. While it may seem easier and more comfortable to not engage with people, doing so is the basis for a wasted life. So what to do?

I think the solution to caring more about yourself, your life, and others is tied to recognizing your true purpose in life - and studying Japanese isn't it, though it may serve as a temporary diversion. To that point, I post the long but excellent video below. Consider it a sermon that you can comfortably watch at home without any awkwardness or peer pressure. See if it stirs your heart.

 

[arekkusu]

Ugh I wish I could delete my post, I felt really depressed when I wrote it and kinda just divulged my whole life story. And I get too embarrassed to even read replies. I'm really sorry...

 

[roses4all]

Ugh I wish I could delete my post, I felt really depressed when I wrote it and kinda just divulged my whole life story. And I get too embarrassed to even read replies. I'm really sorry...

we all do that... get depressed... or fed up... and our pain comes out

I had a psychiatrist who told me... the pain has to come out somewhere.

Then, not embarrassed, I think vulnerable... and we run away from it (the word ''ghosting'' is sometimes used)... it's really hard to deal with

or people tell us there is help

but we never find it

I don't have autism, but I have a lot of autistic traits because I grew up with it... lots of family members...
I have two dysfunctional parents. I am still trying to heal from my parents...

Don't be sorry. This is a good place to be vulnerable. This is a safe place. If someone is mean to you, there are a couple of guys on here who will call that person out. You can message me if you want to talk. I have shared my maximum here.

 

[Yeti1980]

It seems that you've dealt with a hell of a lot in your lifetime, especially the lack of stability at home and the problems you faced with your parents.

The important thing is that you are here now and free to live as you like. You don't have to be, say or do anything. You're the person that you are and you can go forward from that.

A pet might be good company for you, have you thought of any you might like? Not discounting your chances of friendship and/or relationship, but pets are great for company.

 

[user 148069]

Ugh I wish I could delete my post, I felt really depressed when I wrote it and kinda just divulged my whole life story. And I get too embarrassed to even read replies. I'm really sorry...

like what roses4all said, you don't have to feel sorry or ashamed. It's okay to vent and most folks here won't judge you for it.