Hello, thanks for clicking on my thread and taking the time to read what I have typed. I have somethings to get off my chest and found this forum and I have been wanting to post here for a little while but work has been stopping me. I would talk to my family but from what I seen and experienced with my family and conversations is that they just want to know things to have more bad things to say about each other. So I don't really see any reason to speak to them about my problems since it wouldn't help at all.
I don't really know how to go about this, so I'm going to try to paint a picture of who I am.
Lets see, to be honest I don't know who I am anymore so much problems at the moment I don't know how to go about fixing things to make a life I am comfortable in and happy to wake up in the morning.
I was raised in a family of poor immigrant field workers, growing up I never really felt that I was poor though. I lived with my mother and father in a family of 11 till I was 5 years old, then my father was deported to mexico for domestic violence or something like that, I'm not to sure and don't really care about him since I haven't seen him since the day the cops came to pick him up. From what my mom has told me, he started another family in mexico with another woman and has a lot of kids (We live in a small town where my dad has 2 sisters here and my grandma came to visit us once so I've seen her 2 times in my lifetime.) When I was young I was your average kid I guess, I started hating school in the 4th grade for some reason that I can't remember. But I never wanted to go and would cry every morning for like the last month of school to stay home. I remember why now, because I don't know why or how or when but white spots started to pop up on my arms and my ears where dry and white like a crusty layer over them and everyone kept making fun of me saying I had cancer and looking at me different. My moms friend (the manager of the apartments we were living in at that time) even called the cops on me so that they can take me to school Toungue but I its all good. 5th grade I loved school, I was the class clown again that year me and a couple of friends so I knowing everyone in those classes made me feel comfortable when I went. in the sixth grade my mom left to mexico for like 6 months I forget why I think because family problems over there and I left to live with my sister in fresno ca. It was fine there, she was a Jehovah witness and had me study for a while. I did it and kind of liked it for a bit in my life I hadn't changed though even though I studied for a bit, I was still a trouble maker cussing and messing around in class but I had to keep that to a minimum since I kinda had motherly fear of my sister. After my mom came back to america, I had to come up with a decision to leave back with my mother or stay with my sister. I felt like I was on lock down at my sister's house since their were a lot of rules there and I felt free with my mom. My mom let me stay over at her house for the summer and I liked it made some friends there and I enjoyed my stay but I decided to leave back to my sisters. When I got back to my sisters house I started feeling sad like I missed my mom and my brothers that lived with her at the time so I told my big sister that I wanted to go back to my moms like the same night I got to her house. 7th grade I went to school in another town, I've lived in like 7 dif cities so i always had to struggle making new friends each time. in the 7th grade I moved back to my home town and I knew a good amount of people from elementary school and I was lucky to have most of the same people in the same class that year so I kept messing around that year to the point they almost kicked me out of school nothing back just misbehaving and not listening Smile to many times. 8th grade was a good year aswell I made new friends because I had moved to a new town and I felt good that year but I didn't get promoted. Summer school was the worst part of the 8th grade. I had to promote to get to high school so I had to go to summer school. That summer I was stuck with people I didn't like the most in the same class, I 8th grader that always looked like a senior like and 2 people that made fun of people. They would call me dick head and things like that. One day they started throwing things at me. A kid named josh, and I caught one of the things he threw at me. So I decided to throw it back and I was aiming at his head while he was running across the class room trying to dodge the paper ball. I threw it and it ended up hitting another person that was sitting in his chair in the eye. It was a big white kid and he was like "wtf" and was saying if he got a black eye he was going to beat my ass. I don't know why and still dont but I would try my best to avoid him the rest of summer school. The same kid josh would try to convince me to fight the white kid and im pretty sure he would tell the other big white kid Nathan to do the same. That summer was t he worst and I don't think I was the same in social situations after that. in the 9th grade after I promote from summer school I would just sit in my assigned seat, wouldn't talk just stare at the wall or something trying to avoid any eye contact with anyone. I would finish my work and just sit there waiting for the class to end. 10th grade was the same except for a few people I felt comfortable enough to talk to. Then i started smoking weed that year and haven't stopped since. Everyday I would go to school, get to class, do my work then go to sleep because I would dread every second I was there. Go home and play ps3 or something. Smoke weed during lunch time or in the morning after I got off the bus. I dropped out that year and never went to the 12th grade. I only had like 3 friends. I worked in the fields the 12th grade year. I saved up for a car but somethings happened that my family needed money to borrow and I let them borrow it and they never payed me back or else I would have had a car. Now to my current issues.
Ok, was typing the last part pretty fast and i'm sorry if it don't make too much sense. My current issues are that people think i'm gay(there is a reason), I feel lost in life(I search for answers and can never find them maybe someone could recommend some things after reading this?), I am the worst at socializing( people say I look intimidating and i'm too serious but when i'm with my fam im always messing around its just with people that I don't know that I have this problem with), I have no friends and I think that's it.
Ok, so the gay part first. There is an explanation for this and I think I care too much of what people think of me but I don't know how to fix that problem either.
I have been watching porn and masturbating since I was in the 7th grade. I'm 19 and going to be 20 in 3 months. like 6 months ago it was my brothers friend birthday party and I was drinking too much everything was cool that day no problems or nothing. I go home and my mom is drinking too and then she brings up my dad and I get mad for some reason and punch a refrigerator and break my 5th metacarpal (boxer's fracture) then I calm down a bit and sit on the floor where I was still feeling drunk, my mom had her transsexual friend over and they were drinking, I was sitting behind him and my though process of porn and obsession with sex popped in to my mind and I started thinking about having sex ( I was a virgin) but I never felt confident or high self esteem to get a girlfriend. then I started fantasizing of having sex with him (although at the time I had completely forgot it was a guy:clubSmile then my mom went to bed. the transsexual was leaving and I told him if I could go with him and he said yeah, then we went walking to an abandoned warehouse or so I thought and I didn't really fresia him but I did enter and did like 6 in and outs but I felt uncomfortable there and wanted to leave. then I ditched him and left home cause it was like 1 am.
the next morning I was like in total shock of what I did. I think I was staring at myself in the mirror for an hour straight just thinking more than seeing about what I had done and my knuckle was also fractured. Then word goes around of what I did and I fell into a depression because my name was ruined, I had killed my own image. What I did would forever follow me in my journey through this life.
I don't think I'm out of the depression because I still don't go outside I just go to work and come home and try to figure out ways to improve my life because I want to become the greatest man who ever lived. I know for a fact I am not gay. I have liked women my whole life and I feel weird. My family know about this but I wasn't the one who told them. They found out through my mom's friend and I hate that guy cause he was telling everyone that he took my virginity and he even went to my house again after that happened and I told him to leave before I beat his ass Club and if I ever see him on the streets or in my house or anywhere I will. I feel like it was more of an act of desperateness than homosexuality. I have reflected on this many times and my mind keeps messing with me. My family does like 3rd person conversations about what they heard about me. Like instead of putting my name in the sentence they put someone elses and tell the same details of what I did and that kind of messes with my head even more. I even thought of suicide for a day but I got over that the same day. My fam doesn't tell me anything though. Only my gay brother, he feels for some reason I have to tell him even though he sells himself for money and weed like everyday that he deserves that I tell him what happened and he thinks he is better than me for some weird reason but he is going through some things as well but I still don't like him anymore. Word also got around at work in the fields and socially I am the same as how I was in high school.
Next problem, I feel lost. I want to try to fix everything to feel comfortable in my skin. I don't know what to do though. I'm getting close to 20 years old and feel like I haven't accomplished anything in my life and I feel worthless like there is no hope for me in this life. I want to be confident but don't know how. I want to be a good critical thinker but don't know how. I've searched up books, read some but its like they don't have the answers. I don't know how to create my name in life and I already had a bad name for myself and I made it worse. Just thikning about these things, having questions with no answers too make me feel even more worthless. I don't even know who I am anymore. I always act different with different people and I always try to impress. I know I am handsome plenty of women have told me, I dress well but I still feel like this and women won't date me if they find out about that gay thing that happened in my past. I never had any guidance in my life for anything. I feel like I have always done what people have told me to do but I can never figure out what I want to do and when i try nothing pops up.
When I am in social situations I have a blank stare and just look straight ahead of me and don't talk and when I do its in a slow deep voice like I don't know how to control my tone and that happens alot. I don't smile. I can't laugh. My family is just titles no real connection. I hate most of my brothers but I try to like them as much as I can.
Sorry for the long post. I just have alot of things on my mind that I really don't tell anyone. I do write raps and let them out in the songs I try to make. Hopefully you read all of this. If anyone has any advice I would really like to read it because I have no clue of what to do or go in life. Thank you.
I don't really know how to go about this, so I'm going to try to paint a picture of who I am.
Lets see, to be honest I don't know who I am anymore so much problems at the moment I don't know how to go about fixing things to make a life I am comfortable in and happy to wake up in the morning.
I was raised in a family of poor immigrant field workers, growing up I never really felt that I was poor though. I lived with my mother and father in a family of 11 till I was 5 years old, then my father was deported to mexico for domestic violence or something like that, I'm not to sure and don't really care about him since I haven't seen him since the day the cops came to pick him up. From what my mom has told me, he started another family in mexico with another woman and has a lot of kids (We live in a small town where my dad has 2 sisters here and my grandma came to visit us once so I've seen her 2 times in my lifetime.) When I was young I was your average kid I guess, I started hating school in the 4th grade for some reason that I can't remember. But I never wanted to go and would cry every morning for like the last month of school to stay home. I remember why now, because I don't know why or how or when but white spots started to pop up on my arms and my ears where dry and white like a crusty layer over them and everyone kept making fun of me saying I had cancer and looking at me different. My moms friend (the manager of the apartments we were living in at that time) even called the cops on me so that they can take me to school Toungue but I its all good. 5th grade I loved school, I was the class clown again that year me and a couple of friends so I knowing everyone in those classes made me feel comfortable when I went. in the sixth grade my mom left to mexico for like 6 months I forget why I think because family problems over there and I left to live with my sister in fresno ca. It was fine there, she was a Jehovah witness and had me study for a while. I did it and kind of liked it for a bit in my life I hadn't changed though even though I studied for a bit, I was still a trouble maker cussing and messing around in class but I had to keep that to a minimum since I kinda had motherly fear of my sister. After my mom came back to america, I had to come up with a decision to leave back with my mother or stay with my sister. I felt like I was on lock down at my sister's house since their were a lot of rules there and I felt free with my mom. My mom let me stay over at her house for the summer and I liked it made some friends there and I enjoyed my stay but I decided to leave back to my sisters. When I got back to my sisters house I started feeling sad like I missed my mom and my brothers that lived with her at the time so I told my big sister that I wanted to go back to my moms like the same night I got to her house. 7th grade I went to school in another town, I've lived in like 7 dif cities so i always had to struggle making new friends each time. in the 7th grade I moved back to my home town and I knew a good amount of people from elementary school and I was lucky to have most of the same people in the same class that year so I kept messing around that year to the point they almost kicked me out of school nothing back just misbehaving and not listening Smile to many times. 8th grade was a good year aswell I made new friends because I had moved to a new town and I felt good that year but I didn't get promoted. Summer school was the worst part of the 8th grade. I had to promote to get to high school so I had to go to summer school. That summer I was stuck with people I didn't like the most in the same class, I 8th grader that always looked like a senior like and 2 people that made fun of people. They would call me dick head and things like that. One day they started throwing things at me. A kid named josh, and I caught one of the things he threw at me. So I decided to throw it back and I was aiming at his head while he was running across the class room trying to dodge the paper ball. I threw it and it ended up hitting another person that was sitting in his chair in the eye. It was a big white kid and he was like "wtf" and was saying if he got a black eye he was going to beat my ass. I don't know why and still dont but I would try my best to avoid him the rest of summer school. The same kid josh would try to convince me to fight the white kid and im pretty sure he would tell the other big white kid Nathan to do the same. That summer was t he worst and I don't think I was the same in social situations after that. in the 9th grade after I promote from summer school I would just sit in my assigned seat, wouldn't talk just stare at the wall or something trying to avoid any eye contact with anyone. I would finish my work and just sit there waiting for the class to end. 10th grade was the same except for a few people I felt comfortable enough to talk to. Then i started smoking weed that year and haven't stopped since. Everyday I would go to school, get to class, do my work then go to sleep because I would dread every second I was there. Go home and play ps3 or something. Smoke weed during lunch time or in the morning after I got off the bus. I dropped out that year and never went to the 12th grade. I only had like 3 friends. I worked in the fields the 12th grade year. I saved up for a car but somethings happened that my family needed money to borrow and I let them borrow it and they never payed me back or else I would have had a car. Now to my current issues.
Ok, was typing the last part pretty fast and i'm sorry if it don't make too much sense. My current issues are that people think i'm gay(there is a reason), I feel lost in life(I search for answers and can never find them maybe someone could recommend some things after reading this?), I am the worst at socializing( people say I look intimidating and i'm too serious but when i'm with my fam im always messing around its just with people that I don't know that I have this problem with), I have no friends and I think that's it.
Ok, so the gay part first. There is an explanation for this and I think I care too much of what people think of me but I don't know how to fix that problem either.
I have been watching porn and masturbating since I was in the 7th grade. I'm 19 and going to be 20 in 3 months. like 6 months ago it was my brothers friend birthday party and I was drinking too much everything was cool that day no problems or nothing. I go home and my mom is drinking too and then she brings up my dad and I get mad for some reason and punch a refrigerator and break my 5th metacarpal (boxer's fracture) then I calm down a bit and sit on the floor where I was still feeling drunk, my mom had her transsexual friend over and they were drinking, I was sitting behind him and my though process of porn and obsession with sex popped in to my mind and I started thinking about having sex ( I was a virgin) but I never felt confident or high self esteem to get a girlfriend. then I started fantasizing of having sex with him (although at the time I had completely forgot it was a guy:clubSmile then my mom went to bed. the transsexual was leaving and I told him if I could go with him and he said yeah, then we went walking to an abandoned warehouse or so I thought and I didn't really fresia him but I did enter and did like 6 in and outs but I felt uncomfortable there and wanted to leave. then I ditched him and left home cause it was like 1 am.
the next morning I was like in total shock of what I did. I think I was staring at myself in the mirror for an hour straight just thinking more than seeing about what I had done and my knuckle was also fractured. Then word goes around of what I did and I fell into a depression because my name was ruined, I had killed my own image. What I did would forever follow me in my journey through this life.
I don't think I'm out of the depression because I still don't go outside I just go to work and come home and try to figure out ways to improve my life because I want to become the greatest man who ever lived. I know for a fact I am not gay. I have liked women my whole life and I feel weird. My family know about this but I wasn't the one who told them. They found out through my mom's friend and I hate that guy cause he was telling everyone that he took my virginity and he even went to my house again after that happened and I told him to leave before I beat his ass Club and if I ever see him on the streets or in my house or anywhere I will. I feel like it was more of an act of desperateness than homosexuality. I have reflected on this many times and my mind keeps messing with me. My family does like 3rd person conversations about what they heard about me. Like instead of putting my name in the sentence they put someone elses and tell the same details of what I did and that kind of messes with my head even more. I even thought of suicide for a day but I got over that the same day. My fam doesn't tell me anything though. Only my gay brother, he feels for some reason I have to tell him even though he sells himself for money and weed like everyday that he deserves that I tell him what happened and he thinks he is better than me for some weird reason but he is going through some things as well but I still don't like him anymore. Word also got around at work in the fields and socially I am the same as how I was in high school.
Next problem, I feel lost. I want to try to fix everything to feel comfortable in my skin. I don't know what to do though. I'm getting close to 20 years old and feel like I haven't accomplished anything in my life and I feel worthless like there is no hope for me in this life. I want to be confident but don't know how. I want to be a good critical thinker but don't know how. I've searched up books, read some but its like they don't have the answers. I don't know how to create my name in life and I already had a bad name for myself and I made it worse. Just thikning about these things, having questions with no answers too make me feel even more worthless. I don't even know who I am anymore. I always act different with different people and I always try to impress. I know I am handsome plenty of women have told me, I dress well but I still feel like this and women won't date me if they find out about that gay thing that happened in my past. I never had any guidance in my life for anything. I feel like I have always done what people have told me to do but I can never figure out what I want to do and when i try nothing pops up.
When I am in social situations I have a blank stare and just look straight ahead of me and don't talk and when I do its in a slow deep voice like I don't know how to control my tone and that happens alot. I don't smile. I can't laugh. My family is just titles no real connection. I hate most of my brothers but I try to like them as much as I can.
Sorry for the long post. I just have alot of things on my mind that I really don't tell anyone. I do write raps and let them out in the songs I try to make. Hopefully you read all of this. If anyone has any advice I would really like to read it because I have no clue of what to do or go in life. Thank you.
