Initiating Conversations

[Case]

I noticed that when I have to initiate a conversation with a stranger, I still fear rejection. However, if someone else initiates, they risk the rejection, and I can focus on not disappointing THEM by being a good conversationalist.

I got a job once working at a record store, and I discovered that when the people came to me, I was a conversational superman. If you make people come to ME, I'll cracked jokes, I'll riff on the most random of things, and make interesting comments left and right.

Even now, if another person initiates the conversation, I'm golden. But if *I* have to do the cold-approach, I get all second-guessy and hesitant. I've initiated conversations many times, but it's still always a dice roll of rejection or acceptance.

It's gotten better for me, though. For example, the other day in my office, I was in our pantry area to get a cup of coffee. An attractive girl came into the room to fill a cup with water. This is a girl who used to sit next to me for many months. We weren't really friends, but we knew *of* each other. So, I decided to break the ice by saying something self-deprecating.

As she filled her cup with water, I said, "Now THAT's what I should be doing. Drinking water instead of this coffee crap." (I was hoping she'd take this as an opening to say something. ANYthing.)

She just smiled meekly and silently exited the room with her now filled cup of water.

An earlier version of me would have been devastated for having failed at starting small-talk with this girl. Now, I'm more likely to think, "What's up with her?"

If it's a total stranger, I'm much more hesitant to start the ball rolling.

So, how are you with initiating conversations with complete strangers? I'd be interested to see if this is a universal theme here, or if it's more of a mixture of proficiencies.

 

[ladyforsaken]

I used to be really really scared or shy. Depending on the person I'm supposed to initiate a conversation with.

But somewhere along the line growing up, I just do it. I don't think about what would happen, just think about what to say or what I want to find out from the person.

 

[Naleena]

bum.p

 

[Hearmenow2012]

I fear initiating conversations with strangers too, (for the most) which is why I sometimes sit on my own in a pub drinking a soft drink whilst not actually talking to anyone. Sometimes I try to speak up even if it is just to make small talk, but I can't do it. It is strange because with others a conversation will just flow naturally without feeling awkward. Maybe it's just that I am able to relate to some people more than others?.

 

[Case]

I fear initiating conversations with strangers too, (for the most) which is why I sometimes sit on my own in a pub drinking a soft drink whilst not actually talking to anyone. Sometimes I try to speak up even if it is just to make small talk, but I can't do it. It is strange because with others a conversation will just flow naturally without feeling awkward. Maybe it's just that I am able to relate to some people more than others?.

If I ever go to a bar alone, and there is a conversation going on about a sporting event we're all watching (I'm in the US and I watch English football ocassionally with ex-pat Brits,) and I will naturally jump in and give my two pence. However, if there is no communal experience going on, I will usually keep to myself unless someone says something to me, which is usually a wait-person. Sad, isn't it?

I tend not to hang out at these places too much as the emphasis on alcohol is high, and I'm a man of moderation. lol - Also, while alcohol lowers inhibitions, it also increases the level of *********gery exponentially, which is not an appealing trait.

---

But somewhere along the line growing up, I just do it. I don't think about what would happen, just think about what to say or what I want to find out from the person.

If I need a piece of information from someone, say a co-worker, a cop, a waiter, or a person at a store, I have no problem asking them anything as this would be a normal part of their day.

What trips me up is the cold-approach where another person is not expecting me to interrupt their day with a sudden conversation attempt. Maybe it's my hang-up that I would consider it an "interruption," but I am a realist and I have observed the nastiness of people who are approached by strangers when they only want to be left alone. (I would be horrible as the person trying to sell you stuff at a shopping mall kiosk.)

Are you able open up a conversation with a stranger who you have no real business with but simply want to have a pleasant conversation with, either at a park, a coffee shop, a beach, etc? I'm curious.

 

[Mike413]

I don't do it much anymore because often the why me thought comes into my head. What I mean by this is it often seems like it always has to be me starting conversations with other people instead of others starting conversations with me. I don't understand why others can't start a conversation sometimes. If anyone has any reasonable explanation for this please let me know.

 

[Case]

I don't do it much anymore because often the why me thought comes into my head. What I mean by this is it often seems like it always has to be me starting conversations with other people instead of others starting conversations with me. I don't understand why others can't start a conversation sometimes. If anyone has any reasonable explanation for this please let me know.

I think if we are talking about people being friendly, then there's no reason others shouldn't start a conversation with you, but most people tend to be hypnotized by their own lives and ignorant of (or indifferent to) everything around them.

If we're talking a romantic situation, then society has clearly deemed the default initiator to be the man. (If we are talking about a hetero situation.)

It'd be cool if there were more people open to random conversations. If they happen, they rarely happen to me.

 

[ladyforsaken]

Are you able open up a conversation with a stranger who you have no real business with but simply want to have a pleasant conversation with, either at a park, a coffee shop, a beach, etc? I'm curious.

Well yes I would be able to open up a conversation with a stranger if there was eye contact first and the person looked friendly or approachable enough. Otherwise, I'd leave it. Hmm..

 

[Mike413]

I don't do it much anymore because often the why me thought comes into my head. What I mean by this is it often seems like it always has to be me starting conversations with other people instead of others starting conversations with me. I don't understand why others can't start a conversation sometimes. If anyone has any reasonable explanation for this please let me know.

I think if we are talking about people being friendly, then there's no reason others shouldn't start a conversation with you, but most people tend to be hypnotized by their own lives and ignorant of (or indifferent to) everything around them.

If we're talking a romantic situation, then society has clearly deemed the default initiator to be the man. (If we are talking about a hetero situation.)

It'd be cool if there were more people open to random conversations. If they happen, they rarely happen to me.

I totally get that men are suppose to initiate conversations with women(even if I don't understand it entirely)in romantic situations. Women however, often won't even initiate conversations with men in non romantic situations which I don't really get unless they are just so used to having the man approach them that they just become passive in most male/female interactions.

As for non romantic interactions, I think people are just lazy. Yes that does include me. I don't mind initiating sometimes especially with one on one. Often it seems I'm in a group situation where I'll just add something to the conversation. These conversations are less personal and as a result less meaningful to me personally than one on one conversations.

 

[Sci-Fi]

Depends on where I am, if I'm at work then I can usually strike up conversation but it's usually just work related or gossip about the town. Out in public though no chance in hell, even when it's a customer I know I'll just shyly say hi and continue on. I rarely make conversation with them unless they stop me.

 

[Ignis]

I feel you 100% Case.

When I'm at work and people are coming up to me... I can have a conversation with them no matter who they are, what they look like. I'll find a way to keep the conversation going, and generally they leave with a smile on their face and I feel like the transaction wasn't so awkward, I kinda treat them like a friend.

When it comes to INITIATING a conversation, outside of work... Or with a co-worker... I kinda struggle. It's hard to think of what to say for some reason, and a lot of the time I'm quite afraid of being rejected or told I'm stupid.

Funny how that works.

 

[Mike413]

I do it but like I said I get tired of always having to be the one in every social interaction to start a conversation.

 

[petrovchanka]

I have no problems interacting with people at work. I don't initiate conversations with people unless I am at the store and need something or information from an clerk. I notice now, in my older age, I couldn't care less about keeping social conversations going and/or any rejection that might come from it. I used to be a lot more outgoing despite being nervous of rejection. Now, I simply don't care about keeping talk going. And I certainly don't care what the recipient of such "blah" interaction is feeling.

 

[duff]

I never shut up at work. I am so used to working in a small shop, been doing it for 20 years !
I enjoy it but I equally enjoy being quiet outside of work. My work personality never comes out away from work.

 

[African_weasel]

With me, it's finding a topic to talk about. It's usually something random when I'm trying to brake the silence.