Honestly I don't even know where to start. I'm not exactly sure why I'm posting here - maybe somewhere deep inside I feel like it'll help, I don't know. A small part of me still has the will to live; but the other part has slowly consumed the majority of me over the past couple years.
It takes me 2-4 hours to get out of bed everyday. I just stare at the ceiling or wall, thinking about everything that is wrong with my life. I take Ambien like candy just to sleep half the day away. I'm also on Zoloft and Mirtazapine for depression. Every other day, I find myself staring into the mirror, which will usually invoke a crying spell that sometimes leads me to load a round in the chamber and put the barrel in my mouth, applying slight pressure to the trigger. I ran out of play room a while ago. The only thing left to do is go through with it.
It's weird though, because my thoughts are so contradictory. I feel that I'm not suicidal because I would have attempted it by now. Another thought is that maybe I really am suicidal, but I'm just too scared to go through with it. The last thing I want is to botch it and end up on life support, unable to move or even scream. You'd figure you wouldn't be afraid of things like that if you really were suicidal. Anyways.
Sounds more like a desperate attempt to garner attention. It's true though, I want someone to sympathize with me. No one knows about all of this, and I'm too afraid to tell anyone. Who would I tell? I have no friends. I hate my entire family. It seems like no one cares about me at all.
I smile a lot, but my psychologist says that it's a coping mechanism. My response to everything is to smile - 90% of them are fake smiles. The main school of thought is that I developed the behavior to mask the evidence of my childhood abuse - emotionally, physically, and sexually. I can understand it. There are times when I smile and it really disturbs people because the situation and emotional response do not sync.
I really want to tell someone about my suicidal thoughts...they're so powerful. Everyday I think about it. My depression has manifect itself physically as well, altering my appearance in a very negative way. I looked at a picture of myself next to an old photograph, there's a night and day difference. That helps.
Anyways, it's becoming so hard to deal with. It's affected the way I speak, how I sleep, how I feel, everything. I barely have enough energy to make it up the stairs sometimes. I can't even control my own thoughts. If I try to think of something - such as a box - I simply cannot. It will distort itself into another shape, or another image will appear. Sometimes thoughts will race through my mind faster than I can comprehend. It's quite indescribable. I can get physically exhausted just from thinking sometimes.
I really don't know where I'm going with this post. I'm lonely because people distance themselves from me because I'm "different." I'm quiet, shy, reserved, all the above. It's weird too, because, I can be the exact opposite sometimes. Most people look at me and think that my mental health is stable, but really, it's all an act. I'm not ok at all. Truthfully, I don't know why I can't make friends. I'm a good listener, I can keep secrets, and I'm drama-free. It's extremely difficult to make people see who I am though.
The only people I can attract are women. I guess they like the mysterious, "bad boy" vibe I give off. Males, however, are out of the question. I cannot make a male friend to save my life (literally lol...ok bad joke). My depression has really taken its toll though. I'm overweight, I look like I'm 30 even though I'm in my mid-20's, and I don't know. Women used to notice me a lot. Now, I'm lucky to get one girl a month stare at me with desire. I don't even care about all that though, just an observation. My sexual desire is next to nonexistant right now.
But whatever. This is turning into a novel and all I really want to say is my psychologist or whatever tells me to just keep taking the pills and things will get better; but things do not seem to be getting better. Call me impatient but I'm tired of living like this. Sometimes I wish someone would just text me or call or e-mail just to say hi or see how my day is going. I think being a loner has really screwed me up. It's been this way for like six years.
But you know, a small part of me feels a little better by simply confessing all of this. Someone to relate to would be great - mental health professionals just nod their head, prescribe you something, and kick you out for their next appointment. Not much help.
It takes me 2-4 hours to get out of bed everyday. I just stare at the ceiling or wall, thinking about everything that is wrong with my life. I take Ambien like candy just to sleep half the day away. I'm also on Zoloft and Mirtazapine for depression. Every other day, I find myself staring into the mirror, which will usually invoke a crying spell that sometimes leads me to load a round in the chamber and put the barrel in my mouth, applying slight pressure to the trigger. I ran out of play room a while ago. The only thing left to do is go through with it.
It's weird though, because my thoughts are so contradictory. I feel that I'm not suicidal because I would have attempted it by now. Another thought is that maybe I really am suicidal, but I'm just too scared to go through with it. The last thing I want is to botch it and end up on life support, unable to move or even scream. You'd figure you wouldn't be afraid of things like that if you really were suicidal. Anyways.
Sounds more like a desperate attempt to garner attention. It's true though, I want someone to sympathize with me. No one knows about all of this, and I'm too afraid to tell anyone. Who would I tell? I have no friends. I hate my entire family. It seems like no one cares about me at all.
I smile a lot, but my psychologist says that it's a coping mechanism. My response to everything is to smile - 90% of them are fake smiles. The main school of thought is that I developed the behavior to mask the evidence of my childhood abuse - emotionally, physically, and sexually. I can understand it. There are times when I smile and it really disturbs people because the situation and emotional response do not sync.
I really want to tell someone about my suicidal thoughts...they're so powerful. Everyday I think about it. My depression has manifect itself physically as well, altering my appearance in a very negative way. I looked at a picture of myself next to an old photograph, there's a night and day difference. That helps.
Anyways, it's becoming so hard to deal with. It's affected the way I speak, how I sleep, how I feel, everything. I barely have enough energy to make it up the stairs sometimes. I can't even control my own thoughts. If I try to think of something - such as a box - I simply cannot. It will distort itself into another shape, or another image will appear. Sometimes thoughts will race through my mind faster than I can comprehend. It's quite indescribable. I can get physically exhausted just from thinking sometimes.
I really don't know where I'm going with this post. I'm lonely because people distance themselves from me because I'm "different." I'm quiet, shy, reserved, all the above. It's weird too, because, I can be the exact opposite sometimes. Most people look at me and think that my mental health is stable, but really, it's all an act. I'm not ok at all. Truthfully, I don't know why I can't make friends. I'm a good listener, I can keep secrets, and I'm drama-free. It's extremely difficult to make people see who I am though.
The only people I can attract are women. I guess they like the mysterious, "bad boy" vibe I give off. Males, however, are out of the question. I cannot make a male friend to save my life (literally lol...ok bad joke). My depression has really taken its toll though. I'm overweight, I look like I'm 30 even though I'm in my mid-20's, and I don't know. Women used to notice me a lot. Now, I'm lucky to get one girl a month stare at me with desire. I don't even care about all that though, just an observation. My sexual desire is next to nonexistant right now.
But whatever. This is turning into a novel and all I really want to say is my psychologist or whatever tells me to just keep taking the pills and things will get better; but things do not seem to be getting better. Call me impatient but I'm tired of living like this. Sometimes I wish someone would just text me or call or e-mail just to say hi or see how my day is going. I think being a loner has really screwed me up. It's been this way for like six years.
But you know, a small part of me feels a little better by simply confessing all of this. Someone to relate to would be great - mental health professionals just nod their head, prescribe you something, and kick you out for their next appointment. Not much help.
![Thomas]](https://cdn.imagearchive.com/alonelylife/data/avatars/s/14/14186.jpg?1631136400){kind=avatar}
