Is a healthy relationship impossible for some of us?

[Oruga]

Hi everyone. I am new here.

I am not the kind of woman who believes that "all men are the same", "all men are liars" or anything like that. But unfortunately I am a magnet for deeply troubled men. This comes from my own issues: a very difficult childhood (codependency) and this kind of thing... So I click again and again with men who have deep traumas too, just like me.

The frustrating part is that I have been really doing my best for the last 7 years, starting from my birthday number 34, after I got separated and divorced, and yet I have still clicked with a couple of very troubled men during the last few years. By doing my best I mean that I have been getting closer and closer to God, trying to cultivate better and better habits, being very careful not to get caught up in unhealthy relationships (and thus being totally single most of the time), and I have been in therapy with a good therapist for 3.5 years. Actually thanks to the therapy I have seen several areas of my life get better and better: work, family, friendships... But not romantic love. It's just an area that seems to escape me in its healthy version. Like an impossible dream, an unreachable star.

So I have just had this experience where I thought I had finally met "the one" to have a healthy and beautiful relationship with, for a lot of reasons. For instance, he considers himself a very spiritual man. So I made the mistake to assume that he had strong ethical principles because of it. Well, it's not exactly the case because there's an ethical principle he doesn't value very much: the fact of being honest. For him it's more important not to disappoint his partner, than being honest. But at some point he ended up confessing several things very difficult to assimilate about his past, like the fact that his longest relationship was an exceptional secret relationship with another man. Now the troubling detail for me is not exactly this relationship being a same-sex relationship, but the secrecy, and the fact that despite this long relationship, he insists that he considers himself straight (this relationship allegedly being a total exception, a very unhealthy one)... So he's full of contradictions like this all the time, that drive me crazy, and it also drives me crazy to see the high amount of lies that he had told me in order to hide this kind of things about his past.

So here I am, single again, and wondering if maybe healthy relationships are an unreachable dream for some of us. It really frustrates me that after so many years of putting everything in God's hands, of doing my best to heal, to be a better person, to choose a partner in an extremely careful way, I still clicked with a very troubled person again.

Do you think that people like me should rather give up and stop hoping to have a healthy relationship one day? Maybe I should just accept singleness for the rest of my life. I'm already 41 after all...

 

[ardour]

I'm one those creeps who isn't attracted to women his own age, so the possibility of a healthy relationship with another middle aged person I could realistically date isn't something I'm interested in exploring. After a while it becomes a slog to change who you are, shed the weight of years of baggage and resentment. Not impossible but you have to want the end goal enough.

Are you attracted to drama or do you think codependent examples during childhood are driving you to seek out damaged men? Your choice of partner has indeed been odd, and the religiosity in lieu of that might indicate some serious unmet need (engaging armchair psychologist mode here). I'm sure they'd be therapists who would know where to start. It doesn't seem uncommon.

 

[Adamridge79]

I don't know. I really only had toxic relationships. One, broke me pretty badly. The second,(spoiler alert) I was the bad guy. So, after more than 6 yrs alone, I also have this question. I think I've made progress through therapy and psychiatry, but I'm not sure. I mean, I know my behaviors much better, and I can easily spot red flags, but I honestly don't really know. And its a lot scary to have all this baggage but act normalish. Well, self esteem would be nice I guess. But, I've been told to have hope. And I'm not the best person, so really, as long as they don't kill and eat babies, I have no room to judge anyone.

 

[Oruga]

I don't know. I really only had toxic relationships. One, broke me pretty badly. The second,(spoiler alert) I was the bad guy. So, after more than 6 yrs alone, I also have this question. I think I've made progress through therapy and psychiatry, but I'm not sure. I mean, I know my behaviors much better, and I can easily spot red flags, but I honestly don't really know. And its a lot scary to have all this baggage but act normalish. Well, self esteem would be nice I guess. But, I've been told to have hope. And I'm not the best person, so really, as long as they don't kill and eat babies, I have no room to judge anyone.

I relate a lot to what you say. I also try not to be too judgmental because I'm not perfect either! Nor have I a clean past. But when it comes to trust, it is a problem for me not to be able to trust my partner so... That's why lies scare me a lot.

 

[Adamridge79]

I relate a lot to what you say. I also try not to be too judgmental because I'm not perfect either! Nor have I a clean past. But when it comes to trust, it is a problem for me not to be able to trust my partner so... That's why lies scare me a lot.

Honestly, they should. I was horribly manipulative and a liar. To feed my own needs of well...needs. I don't do chats or any social media, cause that instant response is too easy to control. Weird, since I'm responding so quickly, but I have nothing going on for a few days..so. yeah. But, you raise a good point. Where does casual conversation and more in depth connection start to happen.

 

[Oruga]

I'm one those creeps who isn't attracted to women his own age, so the possibility of a healthy relationship with another middle aged person I could realistically date isn't something I'm interested in exploring. After a while it becomes a slog to change who you are, shed the weight of years of baggage and resentment. Not impossible but you have to want the end goal enough.

Are you attracted to drama or do you think codependent examples during childhood are driving you to seek out damaged men? Your choice of partner has indeed been odd, and the religiosity in lieu of that might indicate some serious unmet need (engaging armchair psychologist mode here). I'm sure they'd be therapists who would know where to start. It doesn't seem uncommon.

Well, when I said I'm already 41, I didn't really mean that it's difficult for me to meet men interested in having a relationship with me (it's actually not the case, maybe because people tell me I look much younger). Rather, I meant that I'm already tired of trying.
I am not consciously attracted to drama but maybe unconsciously (?). But it's true that I tend not to feel attracted to pretty ""normal"" men. I tend to be attracted to artists, poets, intellectuals... Uncommon men, like a very spiritual person in this case. So yes, my choices tend to be "odd" indeed. But it's automatic. I don't do it intentionally.

 

[Adamridge79]

Dammit hitting something unintentionally

 

[ardour]

Well, when I said I'm already 41, I didn't really mean that it's difficult for me to meet men interested in having a relationship with me (it's actually not the case, maybe because people tell me I look much younger). Rather, I meant that I'm already tired of trying.
I am not consciously attracted to drama but maybe unconsciously (?). But it's true that I tend not to feel attracted to pretty ""normal"" men. I tend to be attracted to artists, poets, intellectuals... Uncommon men, like a very spiritual person in this case. So yes, my choices tend to be "odd" indeed. But it's automatic. I don't do it intentionally.

Do you need/want a man with serious issues like to to lean on you though (and might therefore be less likely to leave you)? Because that is where the codependency thing comes in.

 

[Oruga]

Do you need/want a man with serious issues like to to lean on you though (and might therefore be less likely to leave you)? Because that is where the codependency thing comes in.

Well, consciously that's the last thing I want. But I do click again and again with men who tell me "I need you", "I'm addicted to you" and the like. :/ I mean, I click with them before those things happen.
Well, at least I ran away quickly this time. It's a sort of progress, I guess (I didn't stay for a long time to try to "rescue" him).

 

[Adamridge79]

I'm actually a bit interested in seeing this plays out now..
(Finds non existing popcorn)

 

[ardour]

Well, consciously that's the last thing I want. But I do click again and again with men who tell me "I need you", "I'm addicted to you" and the like. :/ I mean, I click with them before those things happen.
Well, at least I ran away quickly this time. It's a sort of progress, I guess (I didn't stay for a long time to try to "rescue" him).

That's hinting at codependency or an insecure attachment style. Most women seem to be turned off by that kind of behaviour in men. The issue usually originates in childhood, like you indicated. Any man who says that kind of thing, particularly at the early stages, has issues in my opinion.

 

[Adamridge79]

Well, third wheel and all, but, and here's a thought, ask her why that concept is prevalent in her thinking

 

[Oruga]

That's hinting at codependency or an insecure attachment style. Most women seem to be turned off by that kind of behaviour in men. The issue usually originates in childhood, like you indicated. Any man who says that kind of thing, particularly at the early stages, has issues in my opinion.

Yes, I do suffer from anxious attachment indeed, and this last guy too (it was a rare case of two codependents falling in love with each other). Well, I just hope that if I manage to heal it, the pattern will stop.

 

[Oruga]

Well, third wheel and all, but, and here's a thought, ask her why that concept is prevalent in her thinking

(Hehe I didn't reply to some of your replies because I wasn't sure of the meaning. Because of English language. My mother tongue is Spanish.)

 

[Adamridge79]

Oh...I'm American, so I speak a half of actual languages. Yeah, I'm lazy. Just really trying to say I would like to have someone to palaver with on basic speaking points

 

[Oruga]

Well, third wheel and all, but, and here's a thought, ask her why that concept is prevalent in her thinking

I didn't quite understand which concept. Codependency?

 

[Adamridge79]

No.. I do kinda have that...just talking to someone who doesn't need to 'measure themselves for dominance' ...things may be lost in translation

 

[Adamridge79]

Although...you put together some very well structured sentences for one who doesn't speak English well

 

[Oruga]

Although...you put together some very well structured sentences for one who doesn't speak English well

(I know. I'm weird because I like grammar... But then I don't understand things like "Finds non existing popcorn", because I have never lived in an English-speaking country)

 

[Adamridge79]

OK... so, you go to a movie...you eat popcorn.
I was going to derive entertainment from your discord