is he leading me on?

[heartkey]

ok, Im new so you know *waves* hello and all that.

I have registered because I DESPERATELY need advice on a situation.
I'll try to keep it short.

Me = girl. Married but our relationship is now defunct. We co-parent only. Yes its hard. No I don't regret it tho because we are both good at parenting our kid.

Him = old friend. Yes possibly an old flame, I had feelings for him once before and well he was with someone else and I didnt budge in ( I have morals etc). Always was something there tho.
Fastforward 10 years. We are good friends, kept in touch on and off. We have really deep conversations that I dont have with anyone else. Now, I keep all my feelings to myself...well mostly, I try to guard my heart I guess.
He is seeing a girl in another state, he said they have "an arrangement" but its not a "relationship". That I can relate to..Im in one of those myself.

Now heres the tricky part. A conversation by email. He declares he love girl, I tell him then for gods sake go marry her or something. He says he is going to give it a try, they have deep feelings for each other yada yada. All good.

Then he comes out with a corker. "Shes like you in so many ways". Firstly, I don't believe all women come in boxes. But..he askes all of these questions...and I kept feeling like those questions were not about her, but about me.

Now Im dangerously close to having feelings for this guy, possible I do already, but Im not a fool. He seriously spent alot of time talking about how we were alike, and then how I was like this girl.

Clarification would be good, but he seems to be protecting his ego or something.

Am I wrong to think this guy is actually interested in me? Its like he's asking me what I think he should do in the relationship...Ive told him to go to her. Maybe he will.

But I feel like I have been here before with this guy. Like its old territory.

He said he has always been fond of me and enjoys our conversations.

Am I reading too much into this?

I'd like to give him some sort of opportunity to talk to me honesty but without him feeling threatened or whatever is holding him back. I dont want to just blurt out that I might have feelings for him, because he does after all plan on moving to be with some one else...or so hey says.

ideas? advice? feel free to tell me if Im being lead on or something....

 

[kelbo]

I honestly don't know if you are being lead on or not. It sounds like he could just be talking about somebody he likes who is similar to you, but then again it could be you he is talking about. Only he will know.

I really suggest just asking him, who is it that you are referring to? Ask him if you know her? And keep pushing until he gives you a name. It's easier than confessing your interest in him and then at least you'll know what to do with your feelings once you find out who it is.

Good luck.

 

[Aedammair]

I don't knw the answers. I am going to say that straight out. My personal opinion. Be straightforward and ask him if he is talking about about his gf. Ask him something that he can't sidestep. If he is talking about you and you make yourself seem like you'll accept his answer he will probably come out about it. There is no perfect answer. They all involve risk. If I like a girl and I were to tell her that she's a lot like my gf or someone I'm emotionally attached to, probably means I have feelings for her.
I am kind of on the opposite end of this kind of thing myself. NOT the same. If I could knw that she wouldn't freak I would probably tell her. But neither of us are ready for that (both just young adults. Both w/ broken hearts).
If this guy really does have feelings for you and he's just shy then he may just be waiting for you to ask the right questions.


P.S. If he really does have a gf (or whatever he calls her) check to see if he won't show you some pics of her. He could just be trying to make himself not look pathetic to you. No guy wants to appear a shy single dweeb who can't get a gf to the girl he loves. Also remember, YOU are married. Even if it is just co-parenting this guy may not understand it completely. Even if I knew that a girl was the one I wouldn't go for her if she's married. Make sure he understands the circumstances

Best of luck
Aedammair

 

[Badjedidude]

Well, I guess that makes me the outsider opinion here.

Heartkey: Do you like living a double life? Maybe I'm missing something, but isn't it better to be definitively single or definitively taken? Seriously, I couldn't imagine putting up with a confused, tangled relationship situation like the one you've described. I'm not trying to flame you or offend you, I'm just saying...

...wouldn't it be easier to just stand up and be free of it all? Make the necessary surgical cuts to free yourself from all of the entanglements? And then find someone who isn't apparently involved with someone else? Because I would feel so chained down and imprisoned if I were in your situation. It's much better to be honest with others and with yourself.

Date only single people, only when you are single. It's worked for me. *shrug*

BTW, welcome to the site. I hope you're not offended by my little shpiel.

----Steve

 

[Lonesome Crow]

He's not leading you on.You just don't know what you want.
Please don't take the wrong way or beat up yourself...It's okay to not know what you want.

Ultimately another person is not going to be able to make you happy...You aleady know and experienced
that through your marriage.

You'll be at this same cross road no mater if you chose to stay in your marriage, be with the man in question or other men.

Perhaps give yourself sometime to find yourself again. Sometimes we lose ourselve in relationships

 

[heartkey]

Im not offended at all Certainly our situation is not *normal*. We are still married because where I live you have to be living in seperate homes for 6 months before you can divorce, it would be easier if we had not married but, its done now.
We continue to live together for 2 reasons, first we have children together and parent together. We do have seperate lives tho. He has the kids and I do my thing, I have the kids and he does his thing. We are not the *fighting* sort, its all amicable. But we are definately not in a relationship together outside of raising children.
Second reason we live together is that we simply cannot afford to leave the home, neither of us have other people we can just live with, we cannot afford to rent/buy two homes. Funny enough, I know another couple in the exact same position!

I guess that is what confuses most people, that we can actually not be together but get along. Our friendship is pretty good. And yes he has been on dates and so have I. It certainly makes things complicated in some ways...

maybe Im destined to be alone in matters of the heart. Who knows.

The other guy. Well I have seen a photo of his "lady friend". His words not mine. He is still declaring he is single to mutual friends :/ But I feel something is not right so I am not going to pursue the matter. If he has feelings then its something he will have to live with. I certainly don't want to be played.

He's not leading you on.You just don't know what you want.
Please don't take the wrong way or beat up yourself...It's okay to not know what you want.

Ultimately another person is not going to be able to make you happy...You aleady know and experienced
that through your marriage.

You'll be at this same cross road no mater if you chose to stay in your marriage, be with the man in question or other men.

Perhaps give yourself sometime to find yourself again. Sometimes we lose ourselve in relationships

---

thankyou for your replies by the way. Its great to have some outside views.

 

[RebeccaSarah33]

honestly I don't think you are being led on by this guy. I think hes really talking about another girl. I've learned through the years that guys usually don't make up complex complicated stuff like telling you about another girl but that girl is actually you without telling you its you, I don't think most guys would come up with that idea. It doesn't mean that guys are dumb at all lol i just think that they are less complicated then women, lol i love guys like he could be leading you on but if it was me i wouldn't think he was

 

[Badjedidude]

I think you are being led on. Follow your gut, what does it tell you?

That guy is most likely keeping you on the line as side-action in case things don't work out with the girl he's after right now, his "lady friend."

----Steve

 

[Minus]

Even though you choose to minimize and discount it, you are still married and living with your husband. Are you comfortable enough with your "seperate lives" that you can talk over this guy problems with your husband or is it something that you are hiding from him because he may not be equally at ease with it?