JustWondering
Member
- Joined
- Nov 11, 2011
- Messages
- 8
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I created the post, ''Is this just blindness and self obsession... or am I ****** up''. Almost a year ago and I fear its coming back, my demons are growing and my mind is weakening.
As a a Destroyer I was naive and foolish to believe I could change.
I found my girl, she is amazing. Truly amazing, I've known her for 4 years now and we had a messed up story. We should have been honest at the start but we never were but this lead to three years later finally being together. She has been my light since my dark childhood.
Since I met her, I felt secure with her, loved and special, I trusted her with my life and would listen to her word for word. She means more to me then anything else and when I was posting here last I hadn't talked to her for months. We have been together for almost 5 months now. Such a short time and I don't want it to end.
I believe my dreams were coming true. She wanted what I wanted, she loved me as much as I loved her and we both went into this wanting to be with each other forever. She's the mornings' smile and the nights' fire. The most caring person in this world, who fights for others harder then any other. Selfless and Beautiful. Everything she does is done so perfect and trys harder then anybody I've ever seen.
This light carry's a father who has been battling cancer for 30 years. A mother with arthritis who is worn out after 60 hour work weeks. A sister who is selfish, a thief and always trying to put the light out, expecting the light to fix all her problems before thinking about anything else. Selfish friends who steal, make the light feel bad and guilty, disrespect the light and the light's things. A boyfriend who is dark, who loves her more then anything but is so dark. A job alongside a degree which carry's constant placements. Rheumatoid Arthritis at the age of 20 and 5 hospital visits for serious illnesses in the last year alone. She is the strongest person I know and the most beautiful entity in this universe. All this on her shoulders and she never gives in.
But I tried to Destroyed her, my darkness took over and I didn't know I was doing it. I was meant to love, protect and make the load lighter. Instead I got insecure, I got drunk, I self harmed and tried to kill that light.
I remember feeling alone, I wanted to talk to her, to know it was going to be oki. I wanted to tell her I loved her and was so happy with her. That my aloness is so hard to deal with but she makes me feel home. I was drunk and while she was out celebrating fireworks and a relaxing night out. I demanded if I meant anything to her to go home now and call me. So drunk, so alone, so dark. She replied I am out but I will call you. Drunken, Alone, Insecure, Crying I starting punching, breaking windows and gashing my fist with blood. With it pureing out of my hand I started writting on the floor in blood 'You can try but you'll never be good enough', I wanted to die, I didn't deserve her. She didn't care about me. I needed her I tried all day to tell her I just need 30 mins on the phone to talk to feel happy. I text her saying 'I wish you could see the blood' and she rang back straight away saying 'what have you done? What have you done?' what seemed moments later I was trying to ring her in tears, wanting, needing her. Her phone was off. - My heart broke here, my dreams destroyed and my mind blank - The Darkness came, I the Destroyer broke everything without knowing why or how.
Waking in the morning thinking I tried to reach out, she told me if I needed to ever talk to ask and she will be there. She didn't care, when I was in tears when I was needing her when I was bleeding out she turned her phone off. I felt broken, I felt unloved and I was so hurt but not as hurt as I was about to find out. A day past with zero contact. Following that lonely day I found out what I had done, she told me what my darkness has done. I hurt her more than anyone has ever hurt her. He came, it wasn't me. He came and destroyed my life again.
It happens that shortly after she rang asking what had I done?, I exploded in anger. The darkness took over and I wasn't even conscious to it. She was there for me! She was there! She said she'd get a taxi straight to me. She loved me. When I reached out she was there and I didn't even know... I didn't honest. I said such hurtful things. I told her she was a whore that was going to **** guys because she looked so nice, I told her I wish she died in her car crashes, I told her she ruined my life and to get out of my life, I used the one secret she trust with me about her past against her. I done this. I Destroyed us. I've hurt her in the worst way I could. I can't even remember what happened when I said all this. I don't know what triggered it or why I said the opposite to everything she means to me. I killed that light inside her and I cant live with this. She is the most beautiful thing I've ever seen and I said those things. I caused this pain. She was my redemption, a second chance for happiness and the dream we shared.
She is so perfect she doesn't hate me, she is so perfect that she is asking almost daily how I am. I'm falling apart how could I have done this. I wish I could make it right. Protect her from everything including me, Love her the way I want and the way I do when the Destroyer isn't here. I wish I could give my life to make me disappear from hers, to erase all the pain I caused this angel. I wish I could tell her I love her, I'm sorry and I want to change for us.
As a a Destroyer I was naive and foolish to believe I could change.
I found my girl, she is amazing. Truly amazing, I've known her for 4 years now and we had a messed up story. We should have been honest at the start but we never were but this lead to three years later finally being together. She has been my light since my dark childhood.
Since I met her, I felt secure with her, loved and special, I trusted her with my life and would listen to her word for word. She means more to me then anything else and when I was posting here last I hadn't talked to her for months. We have been together for almost 5 months now. Such a short time and I don't want it to end.
I believe my dreams were coming true. She wanted what I wanted, she loved me as much as I loved her and we both went into this wanting to be with each other forever. She's the mornings' smile and the nights' fire. The most caring person in this world, who fights for others harder then any other. Selfless and Beautiful. Everything she does is done so perfect and trys harder then anybody I've ever seen.
This light carry's a father who has been battling cancer for 30 years. A mother with arthritis who is worn out after 60 hour work weeks. A sister who is selfish, a thief and always trying to put the light out, expecting the light to fix all her problems before thinking about anything else. Selfish friends who steal, make the light feel bad and guilty, disrespect the light and the light's things. A boyfriend who is dark, who loves her more then anything but is so dark. A job alongside a degree which carry's constant placements. Rheumatoid Arthritis at the age of 20 and 5 hospital visits for serious illnesses in the last year alone. She is the strongest person I know and the most beautiful entity in this universe. All this on her shoulders and she never gives in.
But I tried to Destroyed her, my darkness took over and I didn't know I was doing it. I was meant to love, protect and make the load lighter. Instead I got insecure, I got drunk, I self harmed and tried to kill that light.
I remember feeling alone, I wanted to talk to her, to know it was going to be oki. I wanted to tell her I loved her and was so happy with her. That my aloness is so hard to deal with but she makes me feel home. I was drunk and while she was out celebrating fireworks and a relaxing night out. I demanded if I meant anything to her to go home now and call me. So drunk, so alone, so dark. She replied I am out but I will call you. Drunken, Alone, Insecure, Crying I starting punching, breaking windows and gashing my fist with blood. With it pureing out of my hand I started writting on the floor in blood 'You can try but you'll never be good enough', I wanted to die, I didn't deserve her. She didn't care about me. I needed her I tried all day to tell her I just need 30 mins on the phone to talk to feel happy. I text her saying 'I wish you could see the blood' and she rang back straight away saying 'what have you done? What have you done?' what seemed moments later I was trying to ring her in tears, wanting, needing her. Her phone was off. - My heart broke here, my dreams destroyed and my mind blank - The Darkness came, I the Destroyer broke everything without knowing why or how.
Waking in the morning thinking I tried to reach out, she told me if I needed to ever talk to ask and she will be there. She didn't care, when I was in tears when I was needing her when I was bleeding out she turned her phone off. I felt broken, I felt unloved and I was so hurt but not as hurt as I was about to find out. A day past with zero contact. Following that lonely day I found out what I had done, she told me what my darkness has done. I hurt her more than anyone has ever hurt her. He came, it wasn't me. He came and destroyed my life again.
It happens that shortly after she rang asking what had I done?, I exploded in anger. The darkness took over and I wasn't even conscious to it. She was there for me! She was there! She said she'd get a taxi straight to me. She loved me. When I reached out she was there and I didn't even know... I didn't honest. I said such hurtful things. I told her she was a whore that was going to **** guys because she looked so nice, I told her I wish she died in her car crashes, I told her she ruined my life and to get out of my life, I used the one secret she trust with me about her past against her. I done this. I Destroyed us. I've hurt her in the worst way I could. I can't even remember what happened when I said all this. I don't know what triggered it or why I said the opposite to everything she means to me. I killed that light inside her and I cant live with this. She is the most beautiful thing I've ever seen and I said those things. I caused this pain. She was my redemption, a second chance for happiness and the dream we shared.
She is so perfect she doesn't hate me, she is so perfect that she is asking almost daily how I am. I'm falling apart how could I have done this. I wish I could make it right. Protect her from everything including me, Love her the way I want and the way I do when the Destroyer isn't here. I wish I could give my life to make me disappear from hers, to erase all the pain I caused this angel. I wish I could tell her I love her, I'm sorry and I want to change for us.
![Thomas]](https://cdn.imagearchive.com/alonelylife/data/avatars/s/14/14186.jpg?1631136400){kind=avatar}
