I have had a friend for several years and we usually meet once a week for coffee. However, I have noticed that she often makes critical remarks about me/to me and am wondering if she is really a friend and if she even likes me at all. For example, I am overweight and for a fair number of weeks earlier this year she would mention my weight every time we met at some point. (I am not massively overweight, though could stand to lose two stone.) I never brought the subject up-she always brought it up herself. Her son who works in IT recently looked at my computer as it wasn't working and afterwards when we met she pushed a cloth at me saying that the dirt on it came from the inside of my computer ( I don't open electronic devices) and there was also some cat fur from under some keyboard keys on the cloth too-I don't know why she felt she wanted to do this. She said I will never find a man. She went on at me for having aluminium double glazing (it was installed before I moved here), for having vinyl on my living room floor instead of carpeting (I find vinyl easier to care for), and for not working (I have autism). Re not working-I said to her that if she had to live inside my head for a week, she would go crazy. There have been so many such remarks and it has left me not wanting to meet her. But I have so few friends that I am scared of losing one.
Is she actually my friend?
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ringwood
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She certainly sounds like an unsupportive and critical friend! I would be questioning whether I wanted to spend time with this person or not. Personally, if I have a 'friend' and that person makes me feel worse about my self/my situation than before, then I'd rather be alone. That said, friends sometimes feel it's their place to remark on things that aren't necessarily their business in an effort to be helpful. For example, the weight remarks - perhaps in her mind, she's worried about your health and feels she's being helpful by pointing it out. Maybe she's just naturally critical and negative. Has she always been like this or is this new behavior on her part? You could maybe see her less often if she makes you feel bad.
user 135671
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Can you remember the last time she gave you a compliment or positive feedback? Some critical people may just be misunderstood. They may be trying to offer good advice that comes across negatively due to their lack of tact and social skills. The critical person gets labelled an arsehole even though they aren’t trying to be so.
Don't take it personally, Criticisms by critical people tend to reflect more about them than you. They react critically because of their own beliefs about life. You may think that this critical person is all out to get you, but it’s likely that she acts this way to other people too.
I used to take a critical friend’s comments to heart. I’d wonder why she would be so discouraging towards the things I said and would feel defensive whenever she gave me uninvited criticism.
But when I observed her treatment of the people we hung out with, I realized that she did the same thing with others too. Same negative comments and hangups, even though I never saw anything wrong with what they were doing/saying. There was also a trend in the kind of things she would harp on about.
It was then that I realized that it wasn’t about me her criticisms were about her own frameworks in life. This was a liberating realisation. Since then, I stopped taking anything she said personally and was able to objectify the situation.
Don't take it personally, Criticisms by critical people tend to reflect more about them than you. They react critically because of their own beliefs about life. You may think that this critical person is all out to get you, but it’s likely that she acts this way to other people too.
I used to take a critical friend’s comments to heart. I’d wonder why she would be so discouraging towards the things I said and would feel defensive whenever she gave me uninvited criticism.
But when I observed her treatment of the people we hung out with, I realized that she did the same thing with others too. Same negative comments and hangups, even though I never saw anything wrong with what they were doing/saying. There was also a trend in the kind of things she would harp on about.
It was then that I realized that it wasn’t about me her criticisms were about her own frameworks in life. This was a liberating realisation. Since then, I stopped taking anything she said personally and was able to objectify the situation.
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People that are unhappy with their lives typically like to find problems with other's. Or, maybe she is just the mother-in-law-ly type. Maybe ask her why she is making all those comments. It might be natural to her and she doesn't even realize she is doing it.
user 188685
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It sounds like she likes to put people down,she doesn't sound like a good friend to have at all,or a real friend,a real friend would not put you down like that,a real friend would except you with you,for you being you,just the way you are.
CenotaphGirl
Under the dirt, that’s my home ⚰️
Honestly... to me... she sounds like one of those "I'll never bullshit you" friends... and I really feel like we all need one. Someone we know, isn't going to spare our feelings. My dad was that for me, if I gained a drop of weight, he'd be the first person to let me know. If you want to be friends with someone like that, communication is key, I'd suggest you set boundaries, explain you do not want your weight or working situation brought up anymore, if she is a real friend, she'd respect that. 
Butterfly 2
Well-known member
I'm glad someone else wondered if she treats others the same way because that was also my question.
Throughout time, I have learned to basically stay away from people who constantly criticize me. There is also something about me where people feel they can say anything they want. Maybe neither you or I speak up for ourselves enough or defend ourselves in our easy target? I don't know the answer, but I do know there have been people who said things to me they would never say to anyone else. I don't feel good about myself when I confront someone or snarl back so I guess people like us are just easy to pick on?
charlotte craig
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You answered your own question! Firstly, she knows you have few friends and knows that she can be cruel and nasty to you and you won't tell her to get lost. You will make excuses for her or put up with it rather than have one less "friend". But she is not a friend. She only wants to spend time with you so that she has someone to be cruel and nasty to, so that she can feel superior to you. I think she probably has mental health problems. You are better off without her anyway even if this means no so called friends at all. She wants to hurt you, avoid her.
But needing to lose two stone matters and it is a lot, unless you are eight foot tall it is a lot, and it is important to lose it, for the sake of your physical health. Regardless of what she says.
She looks at you and figures out what your weaknesses are you and makes an issue of it to make you feel small. The smaller she makes you feel the bigger she feels. Lots of people have lino instead of carpet, so what. Its for the same reason you do. Find new friends and get rid of her. She is a vampire. And when you meet people dont tell them you are autistic. I know various people who are, some it is obvious others less so. But when you tell people they pick up that you lack confidence and they can bully you. Its none of their business anyway.
But needing to lose two stone matters and it is a lot, unless you are eight foot tall it is a lot, and it is important to lose it, for the sake of your physical health. Regardless of what she says.
She looks at you and figures out what your weaknesses are you and makes an issue of it to make you feel small. The smaller she makes you feel the bigger she feels. Lots of people have lino instead of carpet, so what. Its for the same reason you do. Find new friends and get rid of her. She is a vampire. And when you meet people dont tell them you are autistic. I know various people who are, some it is obvious others less so. But when you tell people they pick up that you lack confidence and they can bully you. Its none of their business anyway.
When I think of 'friends' I think of people who are going to be there for you when it matters, I think of people who will tell you what you need to hear, rather than what you want to hear. . but with a little tact..
I don't know all of the ins-and-outs of your friendship with this woman, but going off of only what I can here, which is your description - it doesn't exactly come off like she's adding much constructive criticism to the equation. Again, maybe I am wrong... there's a difference between someone asking their friend an opinion on their weight/asking if they could stand to gain or lose a pound or two- or a friend just flat out, obnoxiously exclaiming: "Wow you're getting FAT".
Constructive criticism said tactfully can be beneficial in friendship, I'd prefer it too, but there's a fine line.
It's hard to assess on the little information I have, so I'll just leave it at that...
I don't know all of the ins-and-outs of your friendship with this woman, but going off of only what I can here, which is your description - it doesn't exactly come off like she's adding much constructive criticism to the equation. Again, maybe I am wrong... there's a difference between someone asking their friend an opinion on their weight/asking if they could stand to gain or lose a pound or two- or a friend just flat out, obnoxiously exclaiming: "Wow you're getting FAT".
Sounds like she's bored out of her mind and nitpicking here. If she doesn't have to live at your house or pay the bills, not much of her business, really.
Constructive criticism said tactfully can be beneficial in friendship, I'd prefer it too, but there's a fine line.
It's hard to assess on the little information I have, so I'll just leave it at that...
Lonely girl 28
Well-known member
It's possible that your friend isn't aware that her comments hurt you. It's also possible your friend is unhappy with herself.
1. Although it's difficult, don't take what she says personally. You can do that by reminding yourself of your good qualities.
2. When she next says something critical, you can say to her, "I don't appreciate you saying that about me." (Something like that)
3. If she doesn't stop saying critical comments, you can say, "I'm sorry, I cannot have coffee with you unless you stop making critical comments about me."
Also since you mentioned you wanted to lose weight, maybe you can find new friends by joining an exercise class or doing something thru meetup .com .
I understand your fear of "if I stop hanging out with her", I'll have less friends. From exp it's better to have less friends than have a friendship with someone who doesn't respect you.
I hope you get what you want & need.
1. Although it's difficult, don't take what she says personally. You can do that by reminding yourself of your good qualities.
2. When she next says something critical, you can say to her, "I don't appreciate you saying that about me." (Something like that)
3. If she doesn't stop saying critical comments, you can say, "I'm sorry, I cannot have coffee with you unless you stop making critical comments about me."
Also since you mentioned you wanted to lose weight, maybe you can find new friends by joining an exercise class or doing something thru meetup .com .
I understand your fear of "if I stop hanging out with her", I'll have less friends. From exp it's better to have less friends than have a friendship with someone who doesn't respect you.
I hope you get what you want & need.
