is this a friend? do I ask too much?

[Peaches]

well, at the moment I don't have many people I can actually talk with, around one year ago I made friends with this much younger guy of 25, very mature and we have a similar outlook on life, or so I thought. Lately I was noticing that we don't have many interests in common, and then he cancelled on me on the last minute twice and didn't send me greetings on my birthday, in spite of him knowing the date because it's only some days before his.
Now I was feeling pretty hurt by the cancelling, especially the second time, and now I feel pretty disgusted by the birthday thing too, because the day after he wrote me like nothing happened and there was no birthday. I even had a present for HIS birthday, but now I feel like I should give it to someone else.

Am I too touchy? He doesn't seem at all concerned about his behavior, but I can't help feeling hurt, I don't want to make a scene but I don't feel like spending time with him either. I think I was considering putting him in my "special" relationships and trusting him, and now he showed that wasn't the case, and I am disappointed.

 

[perfanoff]

Looks like he prefers to spend his time on something else right now that doesn't include you. I don't think there's any need for a scene but the ball is definitely in his hands.

 

[Sci-Fi]

There is definitely something going on, have you talked to him about it yet? Could be like what perfanoff said or maybe he's going through something at the moment that he doesn't want to burden you with. Lots of if's and maybe's but you won't know unless you talk to him.

 

[Veilside05]

My thoughts - cancel on a last minute due to other important matters is forgiveable. But the birthday wishes, he should have at least give you a belated one. Wouldnt any special friend do that at the very least?

 

[VanillaCreme]

. . . I even had a present for HIS birthday, but now I feel like I should give it to someone else.

Am I too touchy? He doesn't seem at all concerned about his behavior, but I can't help feeling hurt . . .

Those stuck out to me most. You shouldn't buy him, or anyone, a present or a gift in the exchange for a friendship. A gift is a gift, and nothing more. If you had even the slightest of regrets or second thoughts about giving it to him because he's not returning your friendship like you would hope, then I think that's your answer. You can't expect anyone to return the kindness or friendship like you've shown them. Or believe that because you feel like you've been a good friend, that they should do the same for you. People are people, and will act how they think is right.

As for not getting you a gift, perhaps he felt like he shouldn't get you one because of the reason I said above. Or maybe because he doesn't know what to get you. Or he may feel how I feel when it comes to getting gifts from people, and that is I honestly don't like it, not because I'm not appreciative, but because I know I probably won't have the means to return the gesture. I'm lucky enough to have friends in my life who understand my situation on that, and lucky enough they understand why I can't show them the same kindness.

I understand you may feel a little hurt that he's not returning what you're giving, but expecting anything will probably just leave more hurt. A friendship is a friendship, and nothing more.

 

[Okiedokes]

The whole thing sounds messed up. Acting as if nothing ever happened? hmm... a real friend would know what they did and would apologize.

 

[Gutted]

I wouldn't say that you're too touchy. I know how you feel. People fail to realize how they're treating people sometimes. It could be a mistake or it could be deliberate. Try not to act with anger though. Otherwise you'll look like the bad one. Just leave it out. Be normal and if you drift then you drift. At least there'd be no drama that way.

 

[Unwanted94]

You really can't be too surprised with this type of b-s. You should move on. Stop wasting your time with this person.

 

[Peaches]

. . . I even had a present for HIS birthday, but now I feel like I should give it to someone else.

Am I too touchy? He doesn't seem at all concerned about his behavior, but I can't help feeling hurt . . .

Those stuck out to me most. You shouldn't buy him, or anyone, a present or a gift in the exchange for a friendship. A gift is a gift, and nothing more. If you had even the slightest of regrets or second thoughts about giving it to him because he's not returning your friendship like you would hope, then I think that's your answer. You can't expect anyone to return the kindness or friendship like you've shown them. Or believe that because you feel like you've been a good friend, that they should do the same for you. People are people, and will act how they think is right.

As for not getting you a gift, perhaps he felt like he shouldn't get you one because of the reason I said above. Or maybe because he doesn't know what to get you. Or he may feel how I feel when it comes to getting gifts from people, and that is I honestly don't like it, not because I'm not appreciative, but because I know I probably won't have the means to return the gesture.

Vanilla Creme, your post is very interesting, I don't see gifts as a compensation for friendships, for me giving small gifts (and rarely receiving them) is very important, it makes life warm, it shows care, once I received a bag of potatoes as a gift, if you see what I mean, and I appreciated that. Another time, a poem. A phone call can be a gift. So I am not sure I want to be friends with someone who doesn't share the same value, of showing little signs of care for each other. I know there are other ways of showing care, like for instance helping you with something, but honestly haven't seen that either from that person, probably he just needed someone to talk with at night, and that is fine, as long as I have time left to look for relationships that are fulfilling for "me" as well. The thing is, when I see people like this, a bit cold, a bit antisocial, hating most of other people, I feel sorry for them and feel this immoderate sympathy for their self-inflicted isolation and wish to make them feel less lonely. I should really pick other kinds of friends.

 

[BrokenInside]

Talk it out Peaches.

 

[RembrandtQ.Einstein]

Talk it out Peaches.

Yeah, I agree. It's the kind of thing where you may be reading into it too much. And if you aren't he's dealing with a problem he has with you by ignoring you, which isn't cool. If you talk to him about it you'll get a proper answer and know where you stand as friends. I think you'll feel better either way.

 

[VanillaCreme]

. . . I even had a present for HIS birthday, but now I feel like I should give it to someone else.

Am I too touchy? He doesn't seem at all concerned about his behavior, but I can't help feeling hurt . . .

Those stuck out to me most. You shouldn't buy him, or anyone, a present or a gift in the exchange for a friendship. A gift is a gift, and nothing more. If you had even the slightest of regrets or second thoughts about giving it to him because he's not returning your friendship like you would hope, then I think that's your answer. You can't expect anyone to return the kindness or friendship like you've shown them. Or believe that because you feel like you've been a good friend, that they should do the same for you. People are people, and will act how they think is right.

As for not getting you a gift, perhaps he felt like he shouldn't get you one because of the reason I said above. Or maybe because he doesn't know what to get you. Or he may feel how I feel when it comes to getting gifts from people, and that is I honestly don't like it, not because I'm not appreciative, but because I know I probably won't have the means to return the gesture.

Vanilla Creme, your post is very interesting, I don't see gifts as a compensation for friendships, for me giving small gifts (and rarely receiving them) is very important, it makes life warm, it shows care, once I received a bag of potatoes as a gift, if you see what I mean, and I appreciated that. Another time, a poem. A phone call can be a gift. So I am not sure I want to be friends with someone who doesn't share the same value, of showing little signs of care for each other. I know there are other ways of showing care, like for instance helping you with something, but honestly haven't seen that either from that person, probably he just needed someone to talk with at night, and that is fine, as long as I have time left to look for relationships that are fulfilling for "me" as well. The thing is, when I see people like this, a bit cold, a bit antisocial, hating most of other people, I feel sorry for them and feel this immoderate sympathy for their self-inflicted isolation and wish to make them feel less lonely. I should really pick other kinds of friends.

I completely understand what you mean. I, too, see even the smallest of gifts as being the greatest. To be honest, he could have called you, wished you great day, and then perhaps talked nice with you with a few minutes. But sadly, he didn't. When I see situations like this, people automatically want to blame themselves for the actions - or lack thereof - of other people. I feel sorry for people who isolate themselves too, but I cannot change what they refuse to look at as a problem. Don't wrack your brain trying to find a "reason" why. He might not have seen anything wrong with how he treated you or anyone else he does in a similar fashion. Sometimes, it is as it is.

 

[SophiaGrace]

I know this will sound completely off but he might have genuinely and unintentionally forgotten your birthday.

Give him his gift. See how he reacts.

 

[Loser#1]

You said he's much younger than you. 25 is still a guy going out, having a good time, maybe a gf. He probably didn't remember your bday because it didint impact his life. He's not dating you and as a guy we generally don't buy gifts for buddies on bdays. At least I don't.

I would buy a girl a gift who impacted me or I were dating

 

[Peaches]

oh, that guy is not going out much, no good time, mostly working, you know, nerds (I am one too, so I can say it) The birthday thing was awckward because HIS birthday was the day after, and he knew that we have almost the same birthday, and anyway facebook doesn't let anyone forget about birthdays, and all the common friends were writing on my wall (not that that means anything) so he saw that for sure.

I think he just got too close too fast, without noticing that we are really different, and he noticed that after like 8 months... honestly I don't see there is much to talk about, if someone doesn't want to have you in their life they don't, end of the issue, it's not me asking why going to change that.

 

[JasonM]

Am I too touchy? He doesn't seem at all concerned about his behavior, but I can't help feeling hurt, I don't want to make a scene but I don't feel like spending time with him either. I think I was considering putting him in my "special" relationships and trusting him, and now he showed that wasn't the case, and I am disappointed.

If he appears oblivious to your disappointment then just bring it to his attention and ask him straight out. Perhaps he honestly doesn't realize it or perhaps it is intentional, at least by asking you will know and not doubt yourself.

 

[floatsamjetsam]

You bought the present for him because you wanted to make him feel special, you can still want to make him feel special, but only if your reason for it is that you simply want him to feel important and loved, not whether or not things are even keel between the two of you. The most important thing to remember when engaging in a relationship, is that you can't focus on who's winning or losing, there is no contest. That being said everyone deserves a friend who treats them properly, some of us might not have the luxury now and wish to hold out and wait for better friends, but I've found from experience, sometimes hurtful, uncaring friends are better than none. I've spent much of my life alone because of my refusal to settle for people who use me or hurt me, yet here I am still, alone because I refused to settle for the best I'm given.