It Ain't Easy and It's Only Getting Harder

[boojeboy]

So I'm pretty frustrated about the whole dating game, I'm sure a lot of you guys and gals are, but anymore I just don't know what to do about my loneliness.

I think too often people aren't aware of just how impossible it is to meet someone, especially if you are a guy. I'm sorry, I know I'm generalizing, but frankly women just don't have the same difficulties in finding a partner that men do. Sitting here, right now, in the coffee shop I'm in is a very attractive young lady. But will I talk to her? No. And why should I?

If she is young and attractive, chances are incredibly good that other people find her attractive. The chances that she is single are slim to none. Worse still, so let's say I say, "hello". Then what? I more or less have to convince her that A) I'm not a creep, B) not dangerous, C) even though I'm noticing her for her physical attractiveness, I'm not supposed to "only" be attracted to her for that. Of course since I know absolutely nothing whatsoever about her or her personality, what else am I supposed to be attracted to? Seriously. :rolleyes2: Worse still, I'm 33. Many girls in their 20's will think I'm too old for them or that there is something creepy about a guy with grey in his hair hitting on them.

So, I can go try on-line dating, but I'm sorry, there are a lot of very unattractive women on there, at least in my area. Oh I know, I'm such a pig! How dare I base my attraction to a member of the opposite sex on their physical appearance! Sorry, but I've dated girls that I found intellectually attractive but that I had zero physical attraction to. And let me tell you gentleman, don't even try dating a girl you aren't attracted to. Women want to feel like they are the most beautiful woman in the world to you, and if you don't respond by putting your mitts all over them and trying to get in their pants, then they will think you don't love them and that the relationship isn't going to work. To my earlier point, if the girl is attractive I am probably just one of dozens of guys who hit on her all the time. What makes me so special or different? Word of advice men: this is why you don't hit on bartenders or waitresses. It just won't work. They got the job because they are hot and guys hit on them. You are not any different than any of the other hundreds of guys who hit on them.

But again, on-line dating. Dear God so many girls in my area are into football, basketball, "muddin", "shootin", Nascar and that's about it. I like to go to museums, look at art, travel, have intellectual conversations over a cup of joe, stuff like that. Is it any wonder that women think I'm "weird"?

I'm a good looking guy. I've been told this by a lot of people, and I work out A LOT. I can say that as a former fat kid who got picked on incessantly by people growing up. I take care of myself and I'm educated. But none of this helps me out whatsoever. The people who think I'm a "catch" are usually overweight girls who are wanting to get married and start popping out kids. Sorry, I want some romance! I want someone who is a partner, not a mate who is only looking at me as a potential father because she wants to have a family.

Of course women will say I'm a pig, like practically every woman does on the internet whenever a guy complains about dating. I'm just so tired of always having to be the perfect guy for some girl. What is worse is that dating only gets harder the older you get. Remember that people. At my age now, if I try to date girls my age they are usually married and/or have children.

What's worse is that women aren't going to come on to me in public. Despite what feminists and the women's movement would like us to believe, most women are still total chickens when it comes to asking guys out. It sucks doesn't it ladies? Having to put yourself on the line like that. Besides, a lot of ladies still have these absurd heteronormative ideas that the guy is supposed to pursue them. Worse still, I've come across many women who if you don't blatantly treat them like a sex object think you are either A) gay, or B) not interested. Regardless, they won't tell you either way.

I'm sick of the whole dating game, relationships, women, all of it. No good seems to come of any of it. Despite how I try, regardless of how I have bettered myself over the years, it isn't going to get any better. I may as well be invisible and I practically am to women already. I'm not going to do the whole bar thing because I don't like drinking, on-line dating is a joke, I'm not going to go to church to "meet someone" (I'm not religious and even if I were that isn't really a good reason to go to church), and while I thought I would meet some girls in college (I recently graduated) I did not even go on a single date.

Don't think I'm depressed, or bitter, or angry or whatever. I'm just stating the facts and calling it how I see it.

 

[Outcast]

I agree with pretty much everything you said. Its a huge turn on for me if I get approached by a woman and they take the initiative, but frankly like you said, it doesn't happen too often. At least not to me. You're not a pig either imo but that's coming from another guy. Their has to be somewhat of a physical attraction for a relationship to work in my eyes or you will end up just being friends.

As for meeting someone different, I find myself in the same boat. Going to the bar tends to lead me to the same type of people like you said "muddin", "shootin", and do nothing but drink beer, so I guess I have to start surrounding myself with different people by going to different places an such. But hey if we stop trying our chances will go from just slim straight down to none.

Btw, welcome to the site.

 

[SofiasMami]

I'm going to post and then pray, even though I'm not religious, that this thread doesn't go downhill. Perhaps it's better that you stay single. When you're ready to meet someone, don't sit back and wait for the women to come. And if you see a hot lady in the coffe shop, stay off your laptop. Nobody wants to talk with someone who is on their laptop or bent over their smartphone.

-Teresa

 

[Limlim]

What the hell is muddin?

 

[Nicolelt]

What the hell is muddin?

That would be the art of driving a truck or atv in an empty field after it has rained, causing mud to splash up everywhere.

 

[Case]

boojeboy, since you didn't ask for advice, I won't give any. I wish you luck in your search.

 

[boojeboy]

What the hell is muddin?

"Muddin" is when rednecks get on four wheelers or trucks with four wheel drive, find a big muddy field, and drive around on it recklessly and aggressively, throwing up mud everywhere. Just google "mudding" and you'll see what I mean.

---

I'm going to post and then pray, even though I'm not religious, that this thread doesn't go downhill. Perhaps it's better that you stay single. When you're ready to meet someone, don't sit back and wait for the women to come. And if you see a hot lady in the coffe shop, stay off your laptop. Nobody wants to talk with someone who is on their laptop or bent over their smartphone.

-Teresa

I don't know why the thread would go downhill--let's hope it doesn't. I've been ready to meet someone for a long time and I have been trying. And as for being on my laptop, I wasn't for over an hour. If a girl is going to hit on you it really doesn't matter what you're doing. I know the women won't come. I have no hope or illusions of that happening whatsoever, especially as I get older.

 

[Revengineer]

You come across as rather antagonistic so don't be surprised if you get a negative response. I understand this came from a place of frustration though, so I'll try to be level with you here.

women just don't have the same difficulties in finding a partner that men do.

If by "women" you mean "attractive women," then yeah obviously. Conventionally unattractive women exist too, and they have just as hard of a time getting noticed.

If she is young and attractive, chances are incredibly good that other people find her attractive. The chances that she is single are slim to none. Worse still, so let's say I say, "hello". Then what? I more or less have to convince her that A) I'm not a creep, B) not dangerous, C) even though I'm noticing her for her physical attractiveness, I'm not supposed to "only" be attracted to her for that.

Not their fault that many women have been conditioned to be cautious around men they don't know. As long as you fulfill A and B it shouldn't matter if you know nothing much about her. Asking strangers for dates in public is kind of a terrible strategy anyway IMO.

I've dated girls that I found intellectually attractive but that I had zero physical attraction to. And let me tell you gentleman, don't even try dating a girl you aren't attracted to.

I'll have to strongly disagree on that one. If you're looking for a relationship, an average-looking girl with an awesome personality is way preferable to a hot chick that puts you to sleep in a conversation. Looks matter to an extent but personality can make up for it a LOT.

Women want to feel like they are the most beautiful woman in the world to you, and if you don't respond by putting your mitts all over them and trying to get in their pants, then they will think you don't love them and that the relationship isn't going to work.

Umm, what? I thought they DIDN'T like creeps.

Dear God so many girls in my area are into football, basketball, "muddin", "shootin", Nascar and that's about it. I like to go to museums, look at art, travel, have intellectual conversations over a cup of joe, stuff like that. Is it any wonder that women think I'm "weird"?

Nothing wrong with members of a couple having different interests. It gives you more to discover about each other over the course of a relationship. Compatibility is most important.

What is worse is that dating only gets harder the older you get. Remember that people. At my age now, if I try to date girls my age they are usually married and/or have children.

I won't argue that it's harder, but I'm sure there are plenty of women out there who are single and don't care much for children. You sound like you're from a pretty conservative part of the country, where most people tend to be in a mad rush to settle down. If all else fails you can always move...

What's worse is that women aren't going to come on to me in public. Despite what feminists and the women's movement would like us to believe, most women are still total chickens when it comes to asking guys out. It sucks doesn't it ladies? Having to put yourself on the line like that. Besides, a lot of ladies still have these absurd heteronormative ideas that the guy is supposed to pursue them.

I'm with you on this one. I do wish more women would take initiative and start risking rejection themselves more often. And no, sending out telepathic "signals" doesn't count. Argh.

Look, I realize it's easy for us men to throw our hands up and say "BLAME TEH WOMENZ" when we're discouraged in the realm of love, but the important thing to keep in mind is that women are just regular people, and not demon-spawn that exist simply to spite us. We all want to be able to share our life and be able to relate to somebody special to us. As long as there are women who desire the same thing there will always be hope.

Best of luck to you.

 

[ringwood]

But again, on-line dating. Dear God so many girls in my area are into football, basketball, "muddin", "shootin", Nascar and that's about it. I like to go to museums, look at art, travel, have intellectual conversations over a cup of joe, stuff like that. Is it any wonder that women think I'm "weird"?

Gee...ever tried wandering around a local museum, an art gallery, even hanging out in the library? Not with the intention of picking some girl up, but simply on the chance that you might bump into someone with common interests and start an interesting conversation? Good conversation with a like-minded soul can open up all sorts of doors...

I don't quite know what to think of the rest of your thoughts - on one hand you seem like a misogynistic whiny prick, yet on another, you seem like a guy who actually has some heart and only wants to meet someone. *Shrug* I don't know...

I will say that in regards to the online dating world, I don't think you're giving it a fair shake - you're seeing only what you want to see and that is "...girls in my area are into football, basketball, "muddin", "shootin", Nascar and that's about it." Come on, surely not? There must be at least a few eligible ladies who are into the finer things in life? (although I do commiserate - I live in an area rife with he-man loggers and hunters, the testosterone overload gets to me at times)

 

[boojeboy]

I don't quite know what to think of the rest of your thoughts - on one hand you seem like a misogynistic whiny prick, yet on another, you seem like a guy who actually has some heart and only wants to meet someone. *Shrug* I don't know...

Well looks like the thread has gone downhill. Thanks for insulting me when all I did was come on here to vent and try to get some empathy and advice. I guess men aren't supposed to complain because I'm being a "misogynistic whiny prick" if I do.

By the way, I have three sisters, my mom was active in the women's movement in the 70's, and I'm a male nurse. Oh and I also double majored in sociology with a focus on gender studies. That means lots of feminism, post-feminism, gender studies, and masculinity studies classes. You don't know me and you're insulting me, which is pretty easy to do on the internet. God I'm such a "misogynist" that I've helped deliver babies and worked in women's health clinics.

Oh yeah, and I just went out and bought medicine for my ex-girlfriend even though she already owes me a couple thousand dollars. Why? Because I don't want her to be in pain from complications of her surgery and I'm just that kind of guy.

I'm done with this place.

 

[Limlim]

Seriously? All that ******* mud would totally ruin your ATV after it dries. You'd have to hose that honeysuckle off right away, and who wants to do that right after they went driving?

 

[Zett]

I'm a good looking guy. I've been told this by a lot of people, and I work out A LOT. I can say that as a former fat kid who got picked on incessantly by people growing up. I take care of myself and I'm educated. But none of this helps me out whatsoever. The people who think I'm a "catch" are usually overweight girls who are wanting to get married and start popping out kids. Sorry, I want some romance! I want someone who is a partner, not a mate who is only looking at me as a potential father because she wants to have a family.

I'm sick of the whole dating game, relationships, women, all of it. No good seems to come of any of it. Despite how I try, regardless of how I have bettered myself over the years, it isn't going to get any better. I may as well be invisible and I practically am to women already. I'm not going to do the whole bar thing because I don't like drinking, on-line dating is a joke, I'm not going to go to church to "meet someone" (I'm not religious and even if I were that isn't really a good reason to go to church), and while I thought I would meet some girls in college (I recently graduated) I did not even go on a single date.

Don't think I'm depressed, or bitter, or angry or whatever. I'm just stating the facts and calling it how I see it.

Quite a view, I'm 31 (32 in August) and unlike you I don't possess looks I'd term 'good' or above average. I've been told several times I'm ugly yet why is my outlook the opposite to you?

Call me naively optimistic but I have the opposite expectations and opinions to you. You sound genuinely frustrated and I can sort of understand it. Just like you I want to also meet someone who wants romance, who wants to spend some time before rushing into marriage and having children but I don't find my situation hopeless at all.

Perhaps I can try to give you a different perspective, because on paper I probably have far less than what you possess in terms of tangible assets. Like you I have 3 sisters and I'm the youngest by an age gap of 5-9 years. I also do not drink and do not smoke, as well as an atheist. I am a fat overweight Korean man who has been unemployed for 9 months. I weigh 103kg (227lbs) at 5'10" height, I have virtually nothing that a woman would find as relationship material yet I have every bit of hope of finding someone who can bond with me because the one thing I do have right now is almost an indestructible self esteem.

I'm losing weight, I'm self learning web development and I'm in the process of building a website that can generate cash automatically on its own by utilizing various business ideas that I've researched and followed diligently. I've found by voicing my opinion on various different forums, like minded females have reached out to me and are still corresponding with me today. I've discovered there are definitely women out there who will probably want someone like me despite my genetic disadvantages, because it isn't about that anymore it's about what I do with it. They're probably skeptical of my sustained progress but there is no doubt in my mind where I am headed, the vision of my future keeps me extremely positive.

In 1 year I'm going to use meetup.com to meet with people in my local area, joining groups that are to my interests and put myself out there when my personal development reflects my inner values. I have no doubt at all in my mind that I will find friends and possibly a sustainable relationship by this method, and even if it doesn't work out, I'll figure out how to make it work and find the people I'm looking for. There's 7 billion people on this planet, to be hung up about a small community seems silly and shortsighted. I suspect making a good network of like minded people is key to my goal and perhaps at some stage someone will recommend me to one of their friends and a relationship worth having is born.

So what is it about me that's different to you? Do you think I'm delusional? Surely I have less than you yet I have an inverse amount of optimism about this situation. I think the problem you might be having is that whatever you're doing now isn't giving you the future you want. Perhaps some time is needed to self reflect and figure out a pathway in order to find what you seek. Or perhaps this negative outlook stems from something deeper, I don't know you and I don't know what kind of self esteem you have but I can tell you though, the way you see things is directly related to how you are inside. The reason I have so much hope is because I see ways to improve my situation far beyond the mess I'm in right now and I am intent on proving it regardless of what anyone thinks.

 

[workaloneuk]

Well BB, I agree with most of what you say. I understand all the stuff about women's illogical and irrational double standards. It's true (or at least mainly/often true)
I also understand about needing to be attracted to a woman, but that the ones I'm attracted to physically are not interested in someone 'different' like me.
The unattractive ones might have (perhaps out of necessity) a nicer personality, but while that may be ok if you're just friends, it's no use if you are thinking 'relationship'. You need to fancy your partner.
I must say though that you do come across as very negative, and I think if you could persuade yourself to be a bit more optimistic then you may have more chance of meeting a suitable girl.
Good luck anyway
Marc

 

[ardour]

I also do not drink and do not smoke, as well as an atheist. I am a fat overweight Korean man who has been unemployed for 9 months. I weigh 103kg (227lbs) at 5'10" height, I have virtually nothing that a woman would find as relationship material...

Ha... well hello Mr. Self-Aware

 

[WildernessWildChild]

Quite a view, I'm 31 (32 in August) and unlike you I don't possess looks I'd term 'good' or above average. I've been told several times I'm ugly yet why is my outlook the opposite to you?

Call me naively optimistic but I have the opposite expectations and opinions to you. You sound genuinely frustrated and I can sort of understand it. Just like you I want to also meet someone who wants romance, who wants to spend some time before rushing into marriage and having children but I don't find my situation hopeless at all.

Perhaps I can try to give you a different perspective, because on paper I probably have far less than what you possess in terms of tangible assets. Like you I have 3 sisters and I'm the youngest by an age gap of 5-9 years. I also do not drink and do not smoke, as well as an atheist. I am a fat overweight Korean man who has been unemployed for 9 months. I weigh 103kg (227lbs) at 5'10" height, I have virtually nothing that a woman would find as relationship material yet I have every bit of hope of finding someone who can bond with me because the one thing I do have right now is almost an indestructible self esteem.

I'm losing weight, I'm self learning web development and I'm in the process of building a website that can generate cash automatically on its own by utilizing various business ideas that I've researched and followed diligently. I've found by voicing my opinion on various different forums, like minded females have reached out to me and are still corresponding with me today. I've discovered there are definitely women out there who will probably want someone like me despite my genetic disadvantages, because it isn't about that anymore it's about what I do with it. They're probably skeptical of my sustained progress but there is no doubt in my mind where I am headed, the vision of my future keeps me extremely positive.

In 1 year I'm going to use meetup.com to meet with people in my local area, joining groups that are to my interests and put myself out there when my personal development reflects my inner values. I have no doubt at all in my mind that I will find friends and possibly a sustainable relationship by this method, and even if it doesn't work out, I'll figure out how to make it work and find the people I'm looking for. There's 7 billion people on this planet, to be hung up about a small community seems silly and shortsighted. I suspect making a good network of like minded people is key to my goal and perhaps at some stage someone will recommend me to one of their friends and a relationship worth having is born.

So what is it about me that's different to you? Do you think I'm delusional? Surely I have less than you yet I have an inverse amount of optimism about this situation. I think the problem you might be having is that whatever you're doing now isn't giving you the future you want. Perhaps some time is needed to self reflect and figure out a pathway in order to find what you seek. Or perhaps this negative outlook stems from something deeper, I don't know you and I don't know what kind of self esteem you have but I can tell you though, the way you see things is directly related to how you are inside. The reason I have so much hope is because I see ways to improve my situation far beyond the mess I'm in right now and I am intent on proving it regardless of what anyone thinks.

RESPECT DUDE!!! Holy honeysuckle Zett, seeing an optimistic post like yours is soooo refreshing. There's no misogyny, no labelling, no stereotyping and it's all upbeat and encouraging. Your attitude is that of someone who's going to succeed by sheer grit and determination.

Normally I'm not much of a fan of the ill-used rep point thingy but your post defies the tide of negativity....

 

[TheSkaFish]

I mean, I can see the original poster's point of view - I've combed PlentyofFish and OKCupid plenty of times - I'm not yet ready to date, but just out of curiosity to see what kind of girls are around here anyway. And sure enough, it's usually one of two things - either girls who are just into things like their careers, food, bars, TV shows, and the local sports teams - or, as the OP said - "drinkin, shootin, muddin". Either way, nobody that sparks my interest at all.

BUT - at the same time, I'm kind of at a point where I have no choice but to be optimistic, simply because I just can't go on as a pessimist. I have to believe things are going to work out, I have to believe I have the power to change my luck. Stop telling yourself "it ain't easy and it's only getting harder", you're defeating yourself right off the bat. Change that to, "it's as easy as it's ever been, and is only getting easier the more I understand it and learn about it".

That's another thing - you really can't complain or be negative, even when you feel like it or even when it is the truth. It's only going to take you further away from where you want to go, which is going to cause further complaining and negativity, and so on. It seems that the people who get what they want from any given situation act like they already have it, even before they have it. The more I look at people who are doing well the more I see that no one ever got anywhere by telling themselves "I can't do it, it's impossible, I'm not good enough, I'm not special enough".

 

[jayme89]

I'm sorry but this does make you sound pretty jerk-ish coming from a woman who would not be defined as "attractive" or "beautiful" to the majority of men. This kind of male thinking is what causes me loneliness, insecurity, and depression.

 

[Limlim]

I'm sorry but this does make you sound pretty jerk-ish coming from a woman who would not be defined as "attractive" or "beautiful" to the majority of men. This kind of male thinking is what causes me loneliness, insecurity, and depression.

Well lets not downplay the fact here that there is an entire culture of morons out there who use their ATVs to ride around in large piles of mud. So much so that it has become a... thing! At least the concept "men want hot girls" is something that's been around for a long time.

I can't really come to terms with this mudding though...

 

[Bob Arctor]

Dude, it hasn't "become a thing." It's been a thing for well over a decade. Deal with it.

 

[ardour]

BUT - at the same time, I'm kind of at a point where I have no choice but to be optimistic, simply because I just can't go on as a pessimist. I have to believe things are going to work out...

Yeah, negativity is great when you want to vent, but as a default attitude it's terrible. You can literally make yourself ill with negative thoughts, while turning off the few women who could otherwise stand having you around.