ive no confidence or self esteem. how could i not have noticed him?

[simhthmss]

ill be posting a serious post soon of much larger importance but, i was at the pub last night, and it was a weird night as with how pale i am and a new black smart blazer jacket i got people started to say i look like vampire (if you know me very well (thats 2 people to be honest) that felt very weird) well anyhow i go there mainly to find a nice young lady to go a courting with and all that romantic stuff, i go there for that but always end up with a group a drunk old geezers at closing time with us all talking *****

im thinking back on last night about a guy i got introduced to, a bloke just asked if i do any sports and i said i did karate as a teenager and got spun round and introduced to this mouthy 50+ year old talking out where the sun don't shine del-boy type guy who is insistent that i be his martial arts pupil, i very clearly kept saying i don't want to train with him if i ever do carry on it be my own club, but he kept going on and on with me saying his rates and when he can fit me in, what styles he does with me just saying 'i'm not looking for a karate teacher this bloke just introduced me to you is all!' and he kept going on and at me even wanting to spar (fight) with me in the car park! till i said ' i got back issues i cant(im getting an xray next week for the back pain) and then he said 'in that case im bored with you now, i don't put up with ******** excuses, you've wasted my time, i dont train people who make excuses goodnight' he wasn't drunk he was just bonkers on his own ego...i tried to reply with 'i never wanted your darn training ya loony' but he just kept interrupting me saying that with 'no i'm bored of you now goodnight of you go'

that left me utterly bemused for quite some time and very disoriented to notice something (later on he was telling people he was a watch collector!)

he was a crazy guy but his crazy ego had really puzzled me and made me not notice for the first time ive been to any pub in this town (each time is a very poor shot in that dark at lasting company and a huge hole in my wallet so its rare i can do this), someone really nice was flirting with me and i didn't notice because the body this friendly gentle person was in *drumrole* was a male body!

a thin bit taller than me quite feminine guy, i like femininity and have been with a guy before (who treated me like crap but...that was just him), with how lonely i am i have some limits, like for me masculine hairy blokes arent dating material due to my complex past thats just a matter of individual taste and bad experiences...

these days i look for kindness , femininity, fragility, gentleness, empathy and a hug and he had all those thing and really i need 'that' kinda company what do i give a crap what body they're in? all night the guy was quite obviously flirting like quite loudly giving me compliments across the smoking area, as i was going in from the cold he was saying 'ill keep ya warm'

finding someone i like who likes me is basically why i have spent a lot of time+money in pubs to find!!!

the 'blokes' were a macho crowd and i was in that kind of macho drinking buddy mind mask with like 10 guys with shaved heads and wives are all being...manly (its all pure ego and a sad echo of how men used to be) but thats for a rant. somewhere

so i didn't notice or think for even THINK that for the first time in years 'someone is flirting with YOU...YOU YOU ******* TALK TO THEM' cause it wasn't a woman the mask i was stuck in stopped me from registering it, subconsciously i was in 'strait bloke drink lots' mode but theres another quieter room for functions they weren't using we could talked in a quieter spot (its a bit Thatcherite homophobic in there) with n held hands or something or there was like an empty booth and even when i sat in that empty booth he walked over obviously chatting me up and i just wasn't in frame of mind ta notice!

i see myself as basically hard wired straight but with a pansexual twist (loneliness makes being strait eventual very wibbly), if they're not female or are even somewhere in between and they're a nice, kind, gentle, caring person around my age and they like me im happy with whatever body they're in

i cant just fit in (me just being myself would equal just depressed crying in the corner and i have to put on a social mask etc to get on with people and i had my 'drinking with the lads' social mask on and his advances just bounced off me, social situations always make me think with my head not my spirit, which never works...i cant help it, no thats wrong i could if i put work into it i just get stuck in whatever mask ive got on

but im just really upset i could have someone to actually hold me today (been way over 2 years sinse ive romantically had my hand held or an arm round me, to actually go with me to the park instead of my lonely pathetic times walks where i drag my carcass round the woods where i used to get company with my brother till my mum had stroke.

im just really kicking myself, its so rare that happens, hes not from this village, the girls don't LOOK at me so there goes another screwed up chance....you how many people have GENUINELY flirted with in person in my life? two; him and a girl 6 years ago, i guess i wait another 6 years?

thats what i waste my money in bars for ugh im such an idiot sometimes, ' may get tattoo on my arm 'think with your spirit dumb ass'

im mainly discontented with my OWN ego screw up, something i really have to work on. it should not take shouting at me across the smoking area multiple times, even then it didn't register cause id built a fake ego for the folk i was drinking with

 

[Senamian]

You think you'll meet that guy again? If you did, perhaps you should chat with him It's hard to find a nice person in general - no matter the gender.

Not sure where you live, but I do know "homophobic" can become pretty dangerous for the poor fellas just trying to be themselves. But in other places... Even if they are homophobic they just leave you alone.

I am not sure I understand fully - but are you afraid of who you are? Personally, it's best for you to be happy - to hell with the homophobic. They aren't you. They aren't being hit on by you. They should not at all feel threatened. (But, that's just my opinion!)

 

[simhthmss]

no im fine but the lads in the pub could turn VERY ugly its hard to tell but we'd have gone somewhere discrete i dont care about that some are kinda half assed neo nazis i keep away from but i can really kick ass though, got all kinda martial arts up the yin yang so i dont care at all i just do what i want in a pub, its a 'public house' ie its everyones house and we can all do our own thing but erm it was more that, if i were myself in the pub id be sitting alone in the corner looking miserable over a pint, i kinda have to put of what sociologists call a 'social script' and i sort of got so stuck in the ego mask i made to fit in with 'drinking with the lads'....im pretty lonely and found to fit in anywhere if i want company i gotta put on a mask or no one talks to me, so i was in that mindset not even EXPECTING that anyone would like me!

so being stuck in that mask i never noticed he was flirting with me, tbh, kinda like if you're thinking about something important a heard of elephants could thunder past you and you'd look up and say 'did someone say something?'

i honestly couldnt care about any reaction from anyone i just wish i had bloody well NOTICED him, i had that stupid mask on in the pub to fit in and i totally and completely didn't notice him as a date!....the reason i go there is to meet someone!

the mask i had on to fit in defeated my damn purpose for being there, ive been with guys before....quite an orrible one it turned out in the end but this guy was nicer and gentler than women ever are to me, id have had no fear of any kind of homophobia and if i got any comments id have asked them 'how many of YOU have got a date tonight?' lol, hes very obviously gay so i think things would have been ok though, i would have had no reservations getting to know him, i couldn't care less what folk think i'm just kicking myself that it didn't even register he was flirting! he obviously was looking back just my self esteem is so low i never EXPECT anyone to be interested so when they are i'm often thinking about something else and realize they were interested like 5 hours later >.<

i doubt i'll ever see him again as he was just there with some friends from the next town away and, looking back i could tell he was fragile and i think i may have hurt his feelings with my low self esteem based ignorance of his advances

i know this sounds weird but apart from the first abuse g/f i had at 19 (the only time i have intimately touched a woman btw), tbh i want to be with someone may age before i'm to old to be, im not the peter pan type, i know how easily you lose your looks and youth getting to 26 just slipped past me from when i was 19 i know how fast your youth goes and i want at least one experience with a relationship with someone my age or younger id prefer female but im male, caring, empathic and treat people well so im sure there's many other guys like that and thats the kinda person im looking for

 

[Senamian]

Ah ok Then you are definitely in a town worse than mine! People here are all pissy about people's sexual orientation. It is ridiculous... And I agree can be dangerous sometimes.

I think you will find someone worth meeting Even though time to you may be your nemesis, it is also your friend. Do not beat yourself down too much... Try to remind yourself of the good qualities you DO have. And do not focus on any of the "bad qualities" you see in yourself. We are only but human - nothing less, nothing more.

 

[simhthmss]

yes its just last flirt i got was 7 years ago ya know?

i dunno where the 'rules of engagement are' my parents screwed me up relationship wise FOR LIFE i was 11 and in the limited way that you can love someone when you're 11 i did (she shot my heart rate up, my pupils dilated when i saw her etc

, all we did was kisk on the lips and hug and playfully tickle each other, all of which i think at 11/12 were perfectly healthy but it was so sad my dad basically said 'we know what youre doing with that girl and you've got to end it NOW (i hadn't a clue what he meet then and we would kiss and hug wit my mum in the room she thought it was cute) i didnt even know what they were talking about, they didn't even ask me if we were doing anything more than kissing on the lips but just assumed we were doing...something else

but we were both quite naive and honestly didnt know you could do much more than kiss on the lips but they forced me to break up with her and it was realy painful, she hated me and i missed her a lot, she cried when i had to do it and so did i as i was saying it i didnt know why i even had to theyd just assumed we were doing more than kissing on the lips without even asking but since then they were so paranoid about me even being FRIENDS with girls that i thought doing anything with girls or having a gf, that even just a kiss or hold hands with was 'wrong' so i was scared through my entire teenage and formive years, it was so late i was 16 and with no clue how to get a REAL relationship.

(my dad was ******* SCARY) so from 11-16 i wasnt doing whay every other guy was doing which was dating; getting used to how to communicate with the opposite sex, how they like to be treated, where they like to go, what gifts to buy them....like it went sour with my first gf at 19 (id had a weird group of goth girls that were into, erm a part of me that i dont share on here cause, A)you'l a think im lying oy B) think its realy freaky and im insane, i know im not theres thousands of us but i'll shut up about it, i only share it close friends, anyhow those girls didn't want relationships.

well anyway the point is all through secondary school and '16-19 yr old 6th form 'college' my parents were very severe about girls and i had pretty much no contact with them, i have from a child vowed never to have causual sex and only with someone over 18, the age is 16 hear but at 16 i still had no idea of consequences so i was saving it till after 18 but i got to 18 and realised all my formative years 11-18 where all the other guys had GF after GF after girlfriend: learning frim their mistakes, learning how to get a ladies attention, how to know when youre being flirted with, the right things to do to show a girl you like her and not seem like a psycho and so i i had missed all of that experience most guys have at that age, i had no youth reay, ive never been to partied, round a friends house, nothing.

were all human but the only time women have socially spoke to me is when i was bloody disguised as one! and they say me alone n wanted to include me in their girl group on the long train ride

i just dunno what to do and i feel my parents robbed me of those formative years, and not having girlfriend s and being thin and a bit feminine and all my lfe till puberty and not going out with girls i was assumed 'gay' got me bullied strait from junior school strait to secondary school, 11-14 (moved schools at 14) for 'being a homo' or a tranny or a weirdo, i cant go out in sun i get heatstroke in like 10 mins and so theyd call me 'gay vampire' etc and i had not ONE friend the whole time through to 5-14 until when i moved schools but honestly i had to spend lunch and break times reading in empty classrooms as id get the **** kicked out of me constantly, the bullying was bad for anyone different there, one student committed suicide from it and thew herself down the center of those strairs that got up like 5 floors of classroom, when i walked class to class id end up in the class room covered in spit, gum in my hair, random punches, one guy even had a leaflet campaign saying i should have a sponsored suicide with a picture of a chainsaw covered in blood on it and people ACTUALY put money in to that! and not small change either for 12 years olds.

but yes i was robbed of the formative years of learning how to woo/court/date women how to flirt, like basic chilvalrous ways to treat women the one time i tried i didn' know what to say, came off like a psycho and they did the 'text your mate the other side of the club to ring you with a pretend emergency thing'.

i had girls in college chase after me but it wasnt for romance or dating...there were goths that cut themselves and i have 'an affinity' for stuff i needed that they had and would have gone to waste, but the werent romantic material.

i think thats why my first girlfriend i moved to the us to be with started out happy with me then even though id cook for her, iron her work uniform and do her a lunch i hadn't a clue other than that, like before she got abusive she'd point out that i didn't do the nice things that woman like but i knew no better, i was so clueless from not having formative years, i never surprised her with a gift, even small ones are nice to have, i didnt open the car door for her, or pull her seat out for her at a restaurant things like that you know? just stuff my dad should have taught me or i should have been allowed to learn on my own dating girls 11 on wards and its a shame cause even at 5 i knew how to get 'girlfriends' course it was just holding hands and being together a lot then but until he destroyed that at 11 and banned me from any female contact at 11 i naturally knew what i was doing...male+female its nature its supposed to be intuition and it was intuitive till i lost all my formative years.

the 30 something year old boyfriendd i had i let him treat me like ****, i wore what he ordered etc and did whaever so that he could me told that me loves me and to get the hours of snuggling and kissing and sleeping with an arm around me, it was an unheathly relationship and all one sided but i just did whatever im tod to feel loved and to get hours of hugs and kisses....

i dont want sex, i really don't unless im deeply in love with them then maybe id want to 'make love' gently and beautifully but i could probably dress really smart, go into the night clubs in the next town known for being full of girls who dont care who they 'do it with' and screw someone but i think i would find it depressing and empty, i don't those guys who boast about like 100 notches on their best bost, wow great you dont form lasting relationships go you!

but yeah disabled, transsexual, pansexual, male female, blind, deaf, im hardwired to be attracted to women but if some lovely wonderful person of another gender identity comes along i wouldn't say no

so really id like to just sensually and lovingly feel the body of someone my age or younger, smooth skin i can just run my hand on, having the youthful partners that i was robbed of when younger, to actuay .

sory ill correct what i may have said before ive felt the LOVING touch of 2 people, my gf before she went psycho and eve

my lack of knowing how to treat a woman started (the one i was first with)pissing my 1st gf katie off (she could have taught me i told her my childhood)and they started prescribing her AMPHETAMINES for depression!!!

i lost her after that, it took her empathy, any care she had for anyone, it made her irrationally violent and aggressive, (she was a bbw about 300lbs) so she could knock you across the room with an elbow barge, she had every choice not to take them though so im not making ANY excuses for her verbal, physical and sexual abuse, theres no excuse good enough

so yeah ive waffled..im working on that folks, i reed a relationship councilor but i cant afford that its not on the nhs, theres a therapy in less sexually repressed countries where its a long therapy and she teaches you how to date, how to compliment a woman and you kind of her partner for a bit just guys who've no clue, it starts from first meetings to dinners to even making love if you want to but i need a therapy like that, ill leave out the making love to someone i've payed bit but its very intense apparently, you lean how and what women like to be complemented onto how to hug a woman the right way, how to kiss properly etc

eve kinda of had to each me how to do all that frrom scratch but ive lost it over the years....its a shame they dont allow those kindsa therapies here

theres many painfully lonely men who don't know what to do with a girlfriend or partner if they even had one,

i had an idea a while back on 'hug therapy, strictly set guidelines, no inappropriate touching of any kind, STRICT rules on both sides, i mean someone in therapy can still attack ya,, these are just people willing to hug, and maybe listen to how alone or unhappy or whatever, can quietly cry if they want, standing up or on a 2 seat couch, any potential problems that could arise ironed out, screening on both sides for sexual assault charges, 'safe zones' on the body where you can touch like shoulders, round the chest to hug, i dunno i find our society too closed minded on that kinda thing, i cannot tell you how good a therapy a hug session 2 times a week would be for my self esteem, depression, loneliness etc

that's just an idealistic view of an empathetic world at least were i am, in the netherlands there are therapies exactly like that but, i just so wish the uk would get rid of that extremely rock solid stiff upper lip we're all meant to have and just admit maybe people are in emotional pain and something needs to done beyond what we have
just more love people more love
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sadly this is my disclaimer due to being trolled and flamed in the past for no good reason (not that there is a good reason for doing that)
ive had problems in the past so i dont say this to be rude to anyone, if you dont like ME and my posts you are very welcome not to read them and leave me in peace yo happily go about my business

of course constrictive ideas from friends and any one who's sincere is welcome but please no trolling flamers, if anything ive said has made you angry go write it in your pen and paper journal, im just here to express who i am, get help with my problems, help as many people as i can an make friends. i believe in peaceful non compliance with flamers so you'll never get an argument in response from me anyway ,

there genuinely are forums for people who just want to flame and attack each other please use those if you're angry you may find them therapeutic!

 

[nerdygirl]

I used to offer hug therapy, with the hope of finding people just like you, simhthmss. There were a few, but most were just pervs who had a totally wrong idea of what I was offering.

 

[Senamian]

Wow, people were real ******** to you when you were younger.

To me, you seem to put up with a lot. I do notice the nicest of people are trampled on... But it's because people LOVE to hurt others, since they themselves are obviously deprived.

I am curious... How is it you treat women? I don't understand fully, as you've mentioned that something happened (or perhaps was said), and they were angry or upset? There is a chance it is NOT you! It could be them, as they are damaged/confused and they dived into a relationship much too quickly, before they were truly ready.

I don't think you should worry too much about the people on this forum... You may find one or two, but for the most part we're really honestly a bunch of good people