Just turned 20, never had a girlfriend

[abbeyroad92]

I'm brand new to these forums so hopefully I have this in the right spot. I turned 20 about a month ago and for the most part I feel my life is on track. I'm in the middle of completing university and have a good part time job. The one thing that really bothers me is that I have never had a girlfriend, been on a date, or even kissed a girl. I've always been a little shy, but I don't think people really pick up on it. It's more of an internal shyness, if that makes any sense. The whole not having a girlfriend thing didn't really start to bother me until I started university. Up until that point I didn't care. But since then, it's all I think about. Every day, every night, for two years. I always figured I'd meet someone in the traditional way, like at school or work or out with friends, but it hasn't happened. I'd say that my self-esteem is below average, but that's in part to do with not having a girlfriend. If I found out that someone liked me, my self-esteem would skyrocket. I feel really lonely. It's like everyone is moving ahead in life while I'm not. Not all of my friends have had girlfriends, but many have, and it makes me feel like there's something wrong with me. I feel embarrassed when I tell people that I'm 20, because the first thing that comes to mind is how weird my situation is. Just the number itself makes it so much worse. 3 months ago I never had a girlfriend, but at least I was only 19. I remember before this past school year started, hoping that I'd finally meet a girl before I turned 20. Now it's getting to the point where if I'm still in the same boat just before I turn 21, I might want to kill myself. I know it sounds dumb, and I know there are people who are older and in the same situation, but I just can't handle it anymore. To the outside person, I seem like an average, happy 20 year old guy. I know that no one would suspect me of feeling this way. I just don't know what to do. I feel hopeless. I want things to change so badly, but they're just not. Anyways, I just needed to get that off of my chest.

 

[Sci-Fi]

You know that actually isn't as big as a problem as you might think at 20. It really isn't so try not to let it bother you, I know that is hard to do. You just need to work on those 2 things that are holding you back, your shyness and self-esteem. Contrary to popular belief getting a girlfriend won't make those things all disappear. You need to turn them around. Any sense of loss of shyness or self-esteem you'd think you'd have from having a girlfriend, would all vanish the moment the relationship ended, and you'd end up being worse off. It all starts with you, work on your shyness and self-esteem for you and other things will become easier.

Oh and welcome to the forum.

 

[fuzzybutt]

What Sci Fi says is true. Sadly some people learn that the hard way.

 

[abbeyroad92]

Thanks for the replies. I know I have to work on my self-esteem, but I can't even picture it making that big of a change. Yeah, it would be nice to be more confident and not fear what people say about me, but I feel it's not those things that are holding me back. My self-esteem was fine in high school, and that's when I didn't care about having a girlfriend. I feel like my self-esteem is a function of not having a girlfriend.

 

[Sci-Fi]

What's different now? Why didn't you care in high school but now it's plaguing your every thought? Why do you fear what people say about you that you didn't a few years ago.

 

[abbeyroad92]

I didn't care in high school because I was so young. A lot of people were in the same boat as me. I feel like I'm so old now that it's really weird. It's almost like getting a girlfriend is a rite of passage that most people do by a certain age, and I'm way passed that, with no prospects for the future.

 

[Ak5]

You're 20. Still got two years of college left. That's plenty of enough time.

Way passed the rite of passage? You mean sex? There are plenty of guys who haven't had a girlfriend/sex and are well in their mid-20s.

When you LEAST expect it, you'll get a girlfriend.

 

[Sci-Fi]

Actually, and unfortunately that is true and still a bad stigma. You are still young, just put yourself out there. A girl won't always fall into your lap, unless she's a stripper, and giving yourself that push to find one (girlfriend not a stripper those are easy to find) you can work on your self esteem. Be prepared for rejection, it sucks, but it is all part of learning and growing as a person.

 

[Felix]

I didn't care in high school because I was so young. A lot of people were in the same boat as me. I feel like I'm so old now that it's really weird. It's almost like getting a girlfriend is a rite of passage that most people do by a certain age, and I'm way passed that, with no prospects for the future.

You just need to find whatever's holding you back and work on it.

If you can find a group with girls to be friends at least, that helps because you get used to talk to them.

If you are too horny to wait, you can pay for it... I know I got tired of not getting any at 19 and while it wansn't the best 1st time, I have no regrets...

Is not easy, I'm still trying after turning 25... but what else can you do?

 

[abbeyroad92]

It's not sex that's bothering me at all. I'm still a virgin, but to be honest I care about actually meeting a girl more than having sex. Yeah, obviously I would like to, but it's not the biggest of my worries at all.

 

[beautifulsorrow]

Its really no big deal that you never had a girlfriend. You can just look for a girl that interests you and build up the courage to ask her out or something, I know its much harder than it sounds but you can work it out somehow.

 

[The Good Citizen]

You strike me as pretty level headed and able to discuss how you feel well. I went to Uni having never kissed anyone, I had lots of female friends by the time I went there but it just took me a while to get used to being around girls (I went to an all boy’s school so they were a bit alien to me). I think the first year before Uni I was just getting used to being able to be around them without blushing or feeling a bit sick with nerves!

So what’s your situation now? Are you living in halls still or sharing a flat? Is your immediate social circle very male orientated or do you have a regular group of female friends to hang around with?

If it were me (and it was me once) I would accept you are a bit shy and its trickier for you than some and so going to take you a little longer and look to just get to become really good friends with a few more girls, take the pressure off yourself. Try and be open about your shyness as well, its not a crime just choose the right sort of girls to get to know, there will be plenty who are unsure of themselves and would appreciate a kindred spirit. If it grows into more with one of them great but if not you have a female perspective and someone fighting your corner (girls know girls too on a practical level). Maybe knowing you're shy will make the penny drop for someone who always liked you and wished you'd asked them. You might find that person will make the effort to get to know you themselves then.

Anyway don't stress as it will happen you sound a good catch for someone, just take it one step at a time and don't set a time limit on it or put more pressure on yourself by thinking its a race to get there.

 

[Chaotic Neutral]

Turning 30 in two weeks, never had a single relationship. There are a lot of us.

 

[Stranger]

What do you need a girlfriend for at that age? Girlfriends take a ton of time and money - you'd have to take her out on dates, talk to her EVERY DAY, even when you don't feel like it, do things together, including shopping and other stuff you probably hate but she loves. You will have less time for studying and your part-time work. Then she'll start staying over at your place, and you'll never get good sleep again! And statistically, there's a high chance you'll break up later. Seriously, think about it...

 

[Callie]

What do you need a girlfriend for at that age? Girlfriends take a ton of time and money - you'd have to take her out on dates, talk to her EVERY DAY, even when you don't feel like it, do things together, including shopping and other stuff you probably hate but she loves. You will have less time for studying and your part-time work. Then she'll start staying over at your place, and you'll never get good sleep again! And statistically, there's a high chance you'll break up later. Seriously, think about it...

I'll admit this is the only post I've read of this thread, but um...Are you saying women are evil and don't deserve relationships when they are "old"?

I'm 31 and technically single, so I guess I shouldn't bother looking because I'm not worth the hassle that men would have to put up with? Not everyone likes going out and having money spent on them. Not every female likes going shopping. And how bout all the things guys do that women hate, but put up with?

It's called compromise, it's what a relationship is about. Trust, companionship and compromise.

 

[redbutterfly]

What do you need a girlfriend for at that age? Girlfriends take a ton of time and money - you'd have to take her out on dates, talk to her EVERY DAY, even when you don't feel like it, do things together, including shopping and other stuff you probably hate but she loves. You will have less time for studying and your part-time work. Then she'll start staying over at your place, and you'll never get good sleep again! And statistically, there's a high chance you'll break up later. Seriously, think about it...

I see your point Stranger. All that honeysuckle you just said is true. Im married and I know my husband has to put up with some of these things. The BIG difference is that he tells me he wants to and/or does it because he loves me. When you're truly in love, all of that person's flaws and all the annoying honeysuckle they do arent annoying to you.

Ex: You want to spend that time and money on them. You want to go on dates with them. You want to listen to their stories. You want to do all the things she loves but you might hate because you love her. Then when she starts staying over at your place, you might get lucky and she'll give you a good night's sleep. Seriously, think about it...

---

It's not sex that's bothering me at all. I'm still a virgin, but to be honest I care about actually meeting a girl more than having sex. Yeah, obviously I would like to, but it's not the biggest of my worries at all.

I felt the same way you did to when I was younger. (Im 20 just like you but hear me out k?)

I remember being single for years. All my friends getting into one relationship after another. Never getting asked out on a date, asked to a dance, or told "I have a crush on you". I was pretty depressed at the time. I had a huge self esteem problem. I thought I was ugly, no one sees me, no one cares etc etc.

Then one day it hit me. Why the fresia do I care what these bitches think about me? (Seriously that was my thought. I had to add the language for dramatic effect.) That day I told myself I was gonna make myself happy and not care anymore. Of course, the first few days was pretend happiness. You just dont become happy overnight. But it worked! I became a happier person. I stopped looking down whenever people were near me. I finally looked up and I had so much confidence in myself. Confidence I never had before. Anyways Im still working on my point. In time, I made more friends and I got into a relationship with a guy who said he has liked me ever since I moved into town (which was about 2 1/2 years ago at the time) I also liked him since around that time too. (we lived in the same neighborhood and we rode the same bus.) ANYWAYS! Cute story huh?

....I lost track now....


I suppose my point is if you wait, be patient, and stay positive good things are bound to happen to you.

or hell here's another advice: shut up and get yourself out there. Go to clubs, bars, parties, or a dating site. If you cant wait then make it happen.
Oh and if you're thinking "well I cant get into the clubs or bars and I dont know about any parties". You have friends...throw a **** party. Get them to invite more people. Have a friend hook you up.

I hope this makes sense. I tend to go all over the place.

 

[Stranger]

What do you need a girlfriend for at that age? Girlfriends take a ton of time and money - you'd have to take her out on dates, talk to her EVERY DAY, even when you don't feel like it, do things together, including shopping and other stuff you probably hate but she loves. You will have less time for studying and your part-time work. Then she'll start staying over at your place, and you'll never get good sleep again! And statistically, there's a high chance you'll break up later. Seriously, think about it...

I'll admit this is the only post I've read of this thread, but um...Are you saying women are evil and don't deserve relationships when they are "old"?

I'm 31 and technically single, so I guess I shouldn't bother looking because I'm not worth the hassle that men would have to put up with? Not everyone likes going out and having money spent on them. Not every female likes going shopping. And how bout all the things guys do that women hate, but put up with?

It's called compromise, it's what a relationship is about. Trust, companionship and compromise.

Hey Callie, I don't mean to say that women are evil or useless. I think it goes both ways in relationships... maybe I'm a bit biased after dating a guy who took a lot of time, money and effort. In our relationship it was the opposite - he used to drag me out shopping and make me wait for hours while he bought stuff for himself... he also made me go downhill skiing with him which is way too expensive for me and is not my choice of sport anyway. I know some relationships are better than that, but even happy relationships still take up lots of time. The year I was dating that guy, my academics and social life really suffered! If you are single, but all means look for someone! Just don't spend your precious FREE time feeling lonely and depressed about being single... enjoy every minute of it!

 

[Callie]

Just don't spend your precious FREE time feeling lonely and depressed about being single... enjoy every minute of it!

I'm a single mother of two kids....I don't know what FREE time means.

 

[Blue_Eyed_Symphony]

You know, you shouldn't just "want a girlfriend". You should want that one special girl that you can't keep your mind off of. All the guys I dated all dated me for the wrong reasons and it sucks. Keep your head high. I hope you find that one girl. I'm sure you will XOXO

 

[abbeyroad92]

Thanks for the responses and encouragement everyone.