Learning to Trust Again?

[Case]

This is about lying, liars, the people who have to deal with their destructive energy, and how to rediscover the trust in people.

A liar seems to only care about how to satisfy their immediate needs, and if it inconveniences another, or if a truth will cause someone to lose face, that's when the lies happen. The lie is a way to placate people and sooth them falsely to avoid tension, stress, yelling, or consequence for poor decisions, poor actions, and poor behaviors.

I have had my own experiences with liars, and my tolerance for them has been limited. Liars have hurt me enough to where there was a time when you would have had to bend over backwards to get me to believe a single promise you made to me. Since those days, I am much more trusting of people, and I'm not sure what I did to regain it. I fear that if one person lies like I've been lied to before, I might close right back up again and not trust anyone again.

When I was like that before, I felt that liars were the scum of the earth. I could not imagine a worse transgression against another, which is probably why I am as honest about myself as I am. But I was given a bit of a jolt when a therapist told me that I had to lie more often. He had a strange view on the truth. He said that the truth was not as important as it was that the people that you love know that you are there for them and you make sure you follow up on that promise. As for anyone else, lying to should mean nothing us. I had a hard time grasping his point since I'd rather hear a painful truth than EVER be placated by a lie.

So, I ask you, have you lost your trust in people in general after being lied to? Also, have you been able to regain the ability to trust people after being lied to? How do you think you did it? What advice do you have for those who have been emotionally abused by liars, claiming they will never trust another living soul again?

 

[TheRealCallie]

Personally, I don't think you can ever trust someone again like you did before. You can gain some level of trust back, if they are sincere and stop lying, but chances are, that won't happen.
People are who they are, and some people are just liars. I've known many liars in my life, but I've usually been able to tell when most of them are lying to me. You either have the option of accepting their nature and their lies or cutting them out of your life.

My ex, for example...I can't cut him out of my life because we have children together, but he has probably told me more lies than he's told me the truth. However, he's an alcoholic, so it kind of comes with the territory and I have since accepted that. But just because I won't cut him out of my life, doesn't mean we can't be civil for the sake of the kids. Do I trust him? Not even a little bit....but I can't change who he is. I try to give him the benefit of the doubt sometimes, but I never expect him to tell me the truth or live up to what he says. I try to shield my kids from most of the lies, so they don't hate their father, but in the end, they will start to notice too and that makes me sad.

 

[VanillaCreme]

For me, personally, it'll never be the same. I may talk to the person again, but I'll always have that questionable doubt in my mind. I'll always go back to the thought that they're doing something to make me distrust them again. Though, this is reserved for someone I'm close with. I've a friend that I'll always be that way. We had a falling out a few years ago, and we talk now, but it's not the same as it was before. And it won't ever be. They lost my trust, and any value that I hold in my friendship with them was severely tarnished.

But for people in general? Do I take that one example and apply it to everyone? No, of course not. It was one instance. I don't trust easily to begin with, and I take damn near everything with so many grains of salt. So, being lied to doesn't make me distrust. It makes me realize who is a liar and who isn't.

 

[lonelydoc]

Americans lie so much, it's what they swim in without realizing it.

I will never again trust America or Americans, and look forward to the collapse of the country under the weight of its lies.

 

[TheRealCallie]

Americans lie so much, it's what they swim in without realizing it.

I will never again trust America or Americans, and look forward to the collapse of the country under the weight of its lies.

Oh hi, generalize much? I'm American and I don't lie. So, you might want to stop with the generalizations and start looking at the people you associate with instead.

 

[wolvesjr]

No, it's never the same as before no matter how much you try. There will always be that little part of you that remembers.

 

[WildernessWildChild]

Americans lie so much, it's what they swim in without realizing it.

I will never again trust America or Americans, and look forward to the collapse of the country under the weight of its lies.

Since you seem to have no issues with stereotyping or labeling I guess that means it's okay to share my opinion that all doctors are pill-pushing quacks who're more concerned with their golf game than their patients

Wow, generalizing does feel good

 

[Locke]

Americans lie so much, it's what they swim in without realizing it.

I will never again trust America or Americans, and look forward to the collapse of the country under the weight of its lies.

Oh look, more lame generalizations from lonelydoc. After reading some of your posts, I now have reason to believe that doctors can be arrogant, self-absorbed, unintelligent and boring. I wouldn't say all doctors are like that though. Unlike you, I don't generalize entire groups of people based on very little experience.

I look forward to the collapse of your account under the weight of your idiotic comments.

 

[VanillaCreme]

Let's not lower ourselves to such ridiculous generalizations about an entire nation, yeah? Keep the rudeness and offensive behavior out of this thread and off this forum. Thanks.

 

[Sci-Fi]

Americans lie so much, it's what they swim in without realizing it.

I will never again trust America or Americans, and look forward to the collapse of the country under the weight of its lies.

Knock it off. This type of behaviour is not something we support around here.

 

[Ruthie]

Americans lie so much, it's what they swim in without realizing it.

I will never again trust America or Americans, and look forward to the collapse of the country under the weight of its lies.

You have been hurt so much. I know you have. I recognise it. I am so sorry for all the bad things that have ever happened to you, Lonelydoc, to drive you to feel those angry, bitter feelings.
The world is flawed. Don't we all just know it? But Lonelydoc, the only hope we have is to try to make our own little utopia for ourselves and find others who care about us and who we care about. If we have to do it on a forum on the internet, so be it. I am so grateful we have ALL to come to. And I know you are, too. I know behind the anger you feel that there is a very intelligent, reasoning, albeit disgruntled at the moment, wonderful human being. And the rest of us know it as well. I know you're angry and hurt about life, so are the rest of us to greater or lesser extents. But you know in your heart that things will get better if you just hold on and try for some happiness in life.

VanillaCreme has something in her signature that helps me every time I see it. "Expectation is the root of all heartache." She's right. We have to just do our best and let go, and trust it will come back to us somehow, in time. All we can do, Lonelydoc, is do our best, then let it go. The anger and bitterness, whilst legitimate emotions from hurt, are not helping us! Don't you see? They are robbing us! They are thieves!

You have a heart and you're smart and you're caring. I have seen you help people here and give excellent advice to them. Somehow, we all have to work through our disappointments in life and learn to be happy again, not contingent upon others' behaviours.
We have to love and feel loved - yes - even if it's just online. And maybe then, somehow, it will carry over into our "real" lives.

I just want you to be happy. I want you to feel less frustration and anger, yet, I know how you feel! There is so much injustice in the world. It feels overwhelming and many times it is heartrending! But we have to go on regardless. We have to go on and do our little bit to make things better, don't we? If we don't, what legacy do we leave? We can be silent, we can be angry, or we can love people and bloom where we're planted as the old saying goes.

I'm so glad you're here. I want you to be happy. And so does everyone else. I know you're feeling lost because of your friends and family. So do I because of mine, and so do so many of us. You are not alone and you know you aren't. My point is, look for the good if you can possibly make yourself. It might be hard to spot at first, but keep looking! Keep looking!

 

[lonelydoc]

For disclosure I'm a Canadian born American. I've lived in Texas all of my life, since I was 4. Take from that what you will.

But, I must say that events are proving me right, but people fear talking about it because we don't want to consider the post America world. But look at history! Rome, British Empire, Soviet Union. All gone, and people move on, the world moves on.

Ruthie, thanks for the sympathy.

 

[Locke]

Living in America does not give you the right to insult an entire country full of people who you have never met and never will meet, lonelydoc. It just makes you sound ignorant.

 

[VanillaCreme]

Move on from it. Put this thread back on track, as the topic is one many have trouble with.

 

[ladyforsaken]

It would take me a long time to trust someone again after they lied. My niece lied to me several times before, I have a really hard time believing anything she tells me now... and I don't mean to, since I really care about her and love her but.. she's told me and the family too many lies. Some of which I see for myself and she never admitted it.

It's kinda like when you lie to someone and they find out, they crack and even if you piece them back to earn their trust again, it just won't be the same, there's still that little crack of doubt that will always remain.

It would take a whole lot for someone to gain my nearly complete trust again if they lied to me and I found out.

 

[Tealeaf]

I think your therapist would disagree with my choice considering how innocent lies are portrayed as, but I actually cut huge swaths of people out of my life when I found that I was even struggling to trust old friends. Every person who thought that picking a fight was a better way to see if I cared than having a discussion, every person who exaggerated their problems for pity, every person who said they valued one thing and behaved as if they valued another, etc. Being constantly exposed to lies and manipulation put it at the forefront of my mind and gave me real, practical reason to be on red-alert all the time not just with strangers or acquaintances but with the people who were part of my inner circle. It wears on your sense of self to be treated in such a way after awhile, even if you're just associating with people who do bad things while you stand by and watch. For people with conscience, anyway.

The problem with people not considering dishonesty and a lack of concern for those not in your circle to be a shameful thing is that it's hard to trust someone who's not already in your inner circle when they have every reason to lie and scam. There's white lies or deflecting lies, which I don't think this is necessarily about, and then there's the lies that make people wonder if they're a fool for believing even the mundane things you say or if trying to be a kinder, more empathetic person is just going to get them used up and tossed by the wayside. Very small amounts of trust can be given out to start, though, and you can still ignore every person with a sob story they want to tell to anyone who'll listen or who has money.

 

[VanillaCreme]

It would take me a long time to trust someone again after they lied. My niece lied to me several times before, I have a really hard time believing anything she tells me now... and I don't mean to, since I really care about her and love her but.. she's told me and the family too many lies. Some of which I see for myself and she never admitted it.

It's kinda like when you lie to someone and they find out, they crack and even if you piece them back to earn their trust again, it just won't be the same, there's still that little crack of doubt that will always remain.

It would take a whole lot for someone to gain my nearly complete trust again if they lied to me and I found out.

For many people, it's an automatic reaction. They don't even think before doubting.

 

[Pike Creek]

I read a book by Michael Connelly recently and the first lines were something like "Everybody lies. Cops lie, lawyers lie, witnesses lie. The victims lie." This intro really spelled out not only the plot of the book, but also the nature of people when they want a certain outcome. In my mind, I thought...yeah, he has a point EVERYBODY lies....I have no idea if a person is lying to me or not in any given situation...I've always tried to keep a positive attitude and hope they are truthful. Yet, when I am lied to, and I find out...it's terribly devastating because I have so much blind faith in people with whom I care so much.

But there are varying degrees of lying too, I had a best friend who completely lied to me about what her parents did for a living...that really didn't end our friendship when I found out, I just took a lot of what she said with a grain of salt from then on.

I had one bf cheat on me many decades ago and when I suspected, he lied through his teeth for months, when I found out, I broke it off and I will never forgive him. I don't hold anger or bitterness, but he will never be considered even an acquaintance in my life.

But I don't hold that experience against my current bf, as some women (maybe men too) do. My ex cheating doesn't mean I have any reason not to trust my current bf. But if he did lie to me, and I judged it unforgivable, I could never trust him again. It would cause too much anxiety, always doubting both him and myself...I couldn't handle that stress.