Let's talk about intimacy

[Peaches]

I wanted to know what you think about the "right" level of intimacy in connections, both with friends and in relationships.

Last week I started going to a psychologist, and she wanted to know a list of my attempts to friendship in the last years.
Instead I made the list start from high school, and then I changed it into a diagram of all the people I used to hang out with - because apparently I am very social, even if for many years crippled by a disabling shyness, and I lived in many many different places, it turned out to be a huge diagram, but in fact I felt a connection maybe twice, three times in my whole life (never in a romantic relationship).

What I realized is that most people are happy with talking about general things, chit chat, etc most of the time, and if they share something intimate it's like twice a year, while I (and VERY few people I know and connect with) need to know about the other's feelings, need to connect at an intimate level all the time, at least once a day .

Now I finally understand that this might drive some people crazy, I have an aunt who can't stand it and pushed me away all my life, and until now I was just very judgmental, like "all those others don't know how to live and how to connect REALLY" but now I am beginning to guess that *I* am the odd one out, and the very very few I managed to find who felt the same were all pretty damaged people, maybe insecure or not very balanced.

I don't know if this necessity to connect at a deeper level is a sign of insecurity, mostly when it doesn't happen I get very bored and I find people not interesting, but it's not like I freak out and think that they don't care for me. I just need the connection to give a meaning to relationships, otherwise it's not much difference from being alone. Also when other people don't inquire about my feelings very often, I feel neglected.
It is to be said that I fall in the category of highly sensitive persons, http://www.hsperson.com/test/
and we have a LOT of feelings, we are born that way. But that is a major bummer, because it is so difficult to get this need satisfied, and I always have the feeling that not only I am unhappy but that I cause my own unhappiness because I want too much. And lately I have met ZERO persons who could accept this way of connecting.

What are your thoughts on this topic? What are your needs with regards to intimacy? Are they ever satisfied and if so, by what?

 

[Ymir]

I tend to get intimate with people really fast and really deep for some reason. I don't mind it, but it can be overwhelming, especially because I don't like most people and don't want to get intimate with them, but it ends up happening. I don't mind lack of intimacy in friendships, to be honest.

Just talking about whatever, hanging out, getting in trouble and having fun is enough for me, although I confess there has to be at least some deeper level of intimacy for me to hang out with people and have a really good time with them.

 

[Case]

What are your thoughts on this topic? What are your needs with regards to intimacy? Are they ever satisfied and if so, by what?

Peaches, this is a topic that is near and dear to my heart.

I can do chit-chat, but that's like the cotton-candy of conversation. Too much of it and it rots your teeth. lol - If you want that real human connection, that real intimacy with people, then you need to be with people who are both willing to share their deepest emotions, as well as listen to us share our own emotions, both without fear of judgment or ridicule. It's hard to find someone like that because so many people are afraid to be vulnerable, but these are valuable people in the journey of life, in my opinion.

My late mom taught me not hold in my emotions because I bottled them up when I was a kid. I learned to stop doing that. Now, I need to have that emotional closeness with people. It's very important to me to feel that trust from my friends and to show that everyone can drop the masks and the fakeness around me. It makes for real conversation. It's much better having a friend who knows your battles, who is willing to share their own battles with you, and have that extra-special connection. It's why I have few friends, but the ones I have are life-long.

At the moment, I wouldn't say my needs are being met fully, since I'm lacking the physicality of an intimate partner, but until that happens, I do have a few friends who I value and who value me. And I believe the closeness makes the best kind of friendships.

 

[Tiina63]

Peaches, I feel the same way as you do about this issue. So many people I encounter just seem to want chit chat, to keep others at arms length and to share nothing deep. While there is a place for this sort of surface interaction, it becomes boring and empty if
a. it is the only sort of interaction on offer with almost everyone we meet and b. it never moves beyond this level with most people.

I wonder if we are more aware of our need for deeper connections because we are not getting these sort of connections most of the time? When I meet others socially, most of them seem to have a network of family and close friends to fall back on, so are not necessarily looking for anyone else to open up to as their emotional needs are already being met. It's hard when you feel on the edge of other people's lives all the time.

 

[Lowlander]

I only get intimate or share deep and personal things with people I trust. I get a kind of 'vibe'. But I don't do that with everyone, and not necessarily fast.

 

[Nicolelt]

I am for the most part an open book once I am comfortable with people. But on some subjects, I am very guarded, and won't share. I'm lucky, because people seem to be satisfied the other things I am open with, that they leave my other things alone.

As far as me getting close to people, I struggle. I cannot give advice for people's problems, and I never know what to say when someone is opening up to me. I don't pry either. My thought is, I don't like it when people try to pry into me, so if they want to share something with me, then they will.

I have though met a few people in my life, actually 2 on this forum, that I have opened up to more than others. I like having those few, but it would be exhausting if I opened up to everyone.

 

[WildernessWildChild]

For me it depends on amount of interaction I'll have- as I spend more time with them (be it online or IRL) I feel more comfortable with depth in conversation but if it's a casual acquaintance that I don't feel any sense of connection I tend to keep it lighter.

 

[Kitsune Tora]

I want to connect like this with others, but I fear it so I have my guard up most of the time, which means that I feel everyone including my therapist does not really know what goes on for me inside. I can't even be that open and honest with myself so it's near impossible for others, thankfully people seem to know me better than myself at times. So maybe I'm more transparent than I think.
But yes, it can make you feel very lonely when the need for intimacy isn't met.