Life

[mhoward]

Tonight I reflected over the last few months. Not good. I met a girl that I'm in love with, but she won't take the leap into a relationship. We are almost always together, will hold hands, kiss, everything except become official. It is driving me crazy. Part of me wants to just say forget it, cut my loss and move on. The other part wants to really put all I have into this. My friends are no help because they have never been in this situation. If anyone has any advice on this please share.

Also, I quit a lot of habits, picked up some new ones, and am trying to quit others. I quit drugs back in July. Its been one of the worst and best things I've done. Its a lonely life now because it is hard for me to be around the people I used to. They still do things and I don't want to be apart of it. I started drinking a lot more. I don't have a problem with alcohol, I just do it more frequently than I had in the past. Also I'm trying desperately to quit smoking. Help there would be nice too.

Finally, work and school. I am, well was, in college. I dropped out yet again for work. I only make 75 cents over minimum wage yet I feel like all my focus is there. I don't want it to be either. I want to finish school and get a career, not some dead end job.

I know this is a long vague post. Mostly because none of you know me. But I am so tired of everything and am just on the verge of giving up on everything. I want a new start but know I can't have it. If anyone has any advice for me please let me know.

Thank you

 

[LoneKiller]

Hi mhoward.

Although cigarettes are bad for you,(I'm a smoker as well.) they aren't as important as drinking in this situation. You said that you don't have a problem with alcohol, but your drinking has increased in frequency. Why?

I'm not trying to be judgmental, but I've been sober for a little north of a decade now and I know alcohol. I'm saying that you do, but if you begin to drink to mask your pain, it's going to come back and bite you in the *** like you wouldn't believe.

Love can make a person do some insane stuff. A few years ago when my girlfriend and I broke up over her cheating on me, there wasn't a day that didn't go by without the thought of some other guy in bed with her. I was driving myself insane at the thought of her being touched by him.

I'm certainly no "Love Doctor", but sometimes in life, things are the way they are. You can't do anything about it, so don't torture yourself. In order to get through this dilemma of yours, you are going to have to be willing to suffer before you heal.

Please, please, please, don't use alcohol as a medication. I am more than happy to talk to you when you are in pain.

 

[Kat]

If the girl is afraid of commitment then clearly you and her are not compatible. I think you will waste a lot of time and energy feeling bad about her not wanting to be with you officially. You can't make her change.

It's common to drop one habit and pick up another habit. Try to start up school again....see if you can enroll in the spring or next fall. Contact your college and get some paperwork started. Stop drinking so much. When things are more settled, then stop smoking. Whichever order you want.

Smoking and drinking can be social activities so you probably need to start finding other things that you can do and meet new friends. If you start doing these things less, you'll need some way to release your stress and deal with some pain. Try some new hobbies. Try exercise or weight lifting. Would you be interested in volunteering? You could also meet new people if you start going to school again.

All of these things you are dealing with may seem overwhelming to you. You need to focus on one thing at a time and figure out how to make each thing better step by step.

 

[mhoward]

Lonekiller: thank you for responding. When I said I drink more frequently, I had just been given more opportunities at social functions to do so. I'm right around the age where my friends are crossing the 21 border. So it isn't like I just started one day to drink more. I do appreciate the response. I hope this clears it up.

Kat: thank you as well. Later this week I am going to reapply for the spring semester. This girl I was talking about is really confusing. She goes to school in a different state so she isn't close. Close enough though where she will stay with me for at least half the week and drive to school each day. Not only am I in love with her, but she's like my best friend too. We have never gotten into it. My friends like her, her friends like me. Everything seems perfect except the commitment. Since all of this hasn't been very long term do you still think its a good idea to drop it all? I've considered it in the past but part of me wants to hold on. Thank you again.

 

[Kat]

The only advice I can offer you about this girl is to tell her how you feel about her and see if she wants to make it official. If she doesn't want commitment and you do, then I think you should have some boundaries and stay friends or cut contact if you can't handle it.