Loneliness but yet have lots of connections

[maria_R]

I was homeschooled and just got into college last year. I had a study group and was able to organize with my many acquaintances. I can't seem to be open to any of them though I worry if I am honest they will dislike me. So often I find myself exaggerating my life, lying about my feelings and pretend to support and be there for others. But when I think about it those acuantences aren't my friends.

My friends are those I can share anything with. But yet I don't. I don't want them to dislike me. I have already shared enough of my issues with them. And yet even with my issues I still can't be honest and open I also noticed I mask myself even around my friends and family. I don't like doing it.

I pretend to be an ignorant sheltered homeschooled girl discovering the world with others. So far this has gained me much sympathy and lots of people trust me. I avoid swearing and act clueless on obvious jokes. I get people to willingly walk or aid me with things it helps being small and weak. Sometimes I act clueless as a way for people to pity me and go protect myself from embarrassment of messing things up. Say I am homeschooled once and now I don't worry about being awkward socially. I also am able to build networks easily.

I didn't think it was possible but anywhere I go people know me. Sometimes I switch my behavior based on group for example religious club on campus I act quite polite and shy, but for math class I am more out going and confident. Change my hobbies and demeanor to get into people's social circles. And it's to the point more people know my name then I know them. But yet I feel no one actually knows the real me. I am tricking a guy into thinking I like him. I am an awful person I don't care about his feelings but he is super useful in schoolwork. I am just using him. Is this healthy?
All these connections so many lies and personalities I have to keep up with. All of those acuantences at my study group. I know more about them on the inside then they know of me. I am a fake person. Yet they all trust me too much and I don't like it. And yet it's lonely it feels lonely. They are not my friends. I can't lean on them for my awful thoughts many I have just used talents for. I so far have only been leading on one guy but what if this behavior continues on others. This guy likes me and yet I am just waisting his time. I don't like this giant network of connections, I can collect almost any talent yet I am still lonely.

I just want someone I can be honest to and someone I don't have to lie to. I hate lying and pretending it's exhausting. But yet the person I am is an awful person with awful thoughts. I don't know how to fix this behavior.

 

[Finished]

Be honest with your closest friends. The rest are just there for entertainment, to be used, or for them to use you. So, don't feel bad about being dishonest to them. Life is a game. You don't win by being nice, following all the rules, and doing as you are expect to do.

 

[maria_R]

Be honest with your closest friends. The rest are just there for entertainment, to be used, or for them to use you. So, don't feel bad about being dishonest to them. Life is a game. You don't win by being nice, following all the rules, and doing as you are expect to do.

Thankyou. Only issue is it's hard to be honest. you bring up a good point of others using me. I know I myself sometimes use people's insecurities against them. I don't want others to do the same to me. Maybe my issue is that I don't want people to use me. And as a result it's hard to be open and honest as well as find real friends you can trust.

 

[okidoke]

The good thing is that your recognise your behaviour. Everything we do, we do for a reason. We treat people a certain way because we get something out of it. You already acknowledge this. Eventually people will catch on, and various things can happen. It’s hard to live a lie consistently. You have to be true to yourself and to others. Sometimes we hurt people and when that happens we should apologise, make amends, move on. I think you’re well aware of all this. But how to fix it? Well, you need some strategies and a good psychologist can help you with that. Otherwise, you could search the Net for advice, but you won’t be able to honestly look at yourself to determine your deep reasons for your behaviour whereas a psychologist will challenge you and make you look deeper within yourself.

 

[maria_R]

I sometimes am afraid of psychologists but the way you make it sound seems like that is my best option. I have a bad habit and behavior that has built up over years only recently have I noticed the loneliness it has brought me. It's only a while until my image will fade. My youth will go, and my "innocence" can't last long people will know. Perhaps going to therapy for this issue will be my first challenge rather then being honest with friends and acquaintances. It's just hard to convince myself though, however I don't want to be like this.

 

[okidoke]

And it may take you a few shots to find a psychologist that suits you so don’t be put off by the whole thing by one or two. Some are just more affable and relatable and easier to talk with and understand. Good luck.

 

[maria_R]

And it may take you a few shots to find a psychologist that suits you so don’t be put off by the whole thing by one or two. Some are just more affable and relatable and easier to talk with and understand. Good luck.

Thankyou I will try and give it a shot

 

[TropicalStarfish]

I'd like to point you to this thread; which I came across recently...

I'll give you my arm-chair psychological assessment... I'm not sure if you'll be back to see this post or not.

1: you've been homeschooled most of your life; and now, this is your first venture out into the world, into college?

2: you're an only child?

If (1) is correct; you are facing a great difficulty. Like a bird, freshly kicked out of the nest and expected to fly, I think it's quite natural to want to, 'recoil,' a bit.

What you describe, in sum total, isn't actually all that different from how most people live their lives, every single day, without thinking twice about it.

People pretend, put on a good face, and often hide their weaknesses and sufferings. Some people do it very well, and have no problems with it. While others, can't seem to keep it all together. Generally, even the most healthy, in mind and body, among us, will have a point in their life, where _everything_ just _does not work anymore_. So, that's kind of just life.

And not to single women out specifically, because men do their own honeysuckle, but, women often, 'use,' men in big and small ways, to get what they need. Sometimes it's pathological and malignant, sometimes, it's just being a woman: open the pickle jar for me, type stuff.

Now the reason I wondered if you are an only child, is because, not having any brothers or sisters, tends to affect those who have lived that way, in specific ways. For one, it sets you apart from the norm: most people have at least one sibling. Two; the psyche of the only child, is, in my opinion, a bit susceptible to... having difficulty acknowledging the fact that there are, 'other people in the world.' Think of it like, 'center of the universe syndrome.' Once the only child finally is confronted with the external world, and is forced to reckon with, nobody really cares or sees them as they were seen/treated in their upbringing, it can be a bit of a shock; and that shock, can be reacted to in different ways. I'm not saying it's a bad thing or their is any fault, in being an only child; it's just that, there can be some difficulty there, that most people aren't familiar with. So it wouldn't be out of the norm, for an only child to feel a bit, isolated, when confronted with a drastic change in social environment, more so than other people might.

I don't know if you were an only child, or not, so, if not, ignore all that.

---

So, the prime points of ponder, I think are...

1: A drastic change has occurred. Going from a home-schooled environment, to a college social environment.
1A: This can be a bit of a shock; slightly traumatic. Like if you were going ice-skating and suddenly you fall through the ice into freezing cold water. It's a _sharp_, and _drastic_ change. And that's okay, it doesn't have to be a clinical matter. That's kind of like the old saying, "If you think you need to see a shrink, you out to have your head examined."
1B: Difficult and shocking changes, are often met by our psyche with resistance.

2: The resistance may manifest in many ways.
2A: People pleasing
2B: Withdrawal into the, 'self.'
2C: Feeling like, 'something isn't right with you.'
2C-A: It may not be so much that, 'something isn't right with you,' so much as you are sub-consciously rejecting the overwhelming environmental changes that you are forced to contend with.


So, I can imagine some one, being confronted with a drastic change in environment, feeling an overwhelming need to, 'recoil,' and, 'withdraw,' into their self, to, 'just get away from it all.' Yet, in lacking awareness and immediate insight into this phenomena, may not realize exactly what is happening.

1: people pleasing
2: putting on a facade

That's kind of the extent of it. And the result of that?

1: feeling a lack of genuine connection (quite normal in college, I might add :-/ )
2: feeling overwhelmed
3: feeling dishonest/fake (kind of goes along with those overwhelming feelings)

---
Imagine, if you will, some one who dreadfully fears being disliked. Imagine this person meets 10 different people, in one day, and they all need a favor from this person who fears being disliked. Imagine this person then, taking it upon themselves, to do 10 favors, for 10 different people. Imagine they didn't realize, they can't possibly satisfy and complete all 10 favors for all 10 people...

The prophecy becomes true. 5 favors are completed and 5 aren't. It's likely five people are going to have to be dissapointed, and the dreaded fear, becomes realized. But maybe the 5 people she'll have to disappoint, won't dislike her, if she can make up some good excuses...

So, it can go on, and on, and on... And the vast majority of people alive today, are playing a very similar game. We're all doing a very delicate balancing act. Some of us take a tumble and fall; and others, are just absolute, born acrobats, and perhaps even start their own circus! The majority is somewhere in the middle, doing their best to maintain balance.
---

So, if you want my two psychological cents, made simple...

I think you are simply going through a very difficult change. And I think, at a certain point, a few knots got tied in your string, and you simply didn't have enough time to, really sit there, and untie them, and more knots came, and then more...

It can be overwhelming! Life!

I don't think it's necessary to get clinical; but, that's ultimately your choice. I think you are simply facing an overwhelming change, and being a bit unprepared and overwhelmed, you've kind of resorted to, 'sweeping it under the rug, just this once,' and then again, and again; and, now you're starting to feel bumps in the rug, and it's a bit unnerving, not unlike how big changes can be, 'unnerving.'

---
So, sorry to go on for so long; but, I think it's quite normal, to find a big change difficult. And don't fool yourself, all your college-mates, are just as insecure and all twisted in knots too.

It's quite normal to feel alone and isolated, at different times in life, as well as overwhelmed.
---
Unfortunately I don't think I have any answers. Some thoughts that come to mind, however, is, 'pulling back.' Perhaps you have too many fishing lines in the water, and you can't manage them all. So, take stock and say, 'I value these fishing lines, and would be interested to see if they catch any fish.'

Peck away at the problem, one step at a time, and make little changes; and perhaps, set aside a half hour, every day, where you are just with you, on your own time, being you for you and you alone; whether that's alone, in a time of self reflection, or, simply getting coffee, and making a point to reject social advances that you aren't truly interested in, etc.. etc.. Time for you to be you, with you, and perhaps some one else, if the opportunity arises. No expectations though.
---
Anyway, this is getting way too long; but, just give yourself some time to breath, free from outside influences, each day, if you can, and approach things with a gentle, kind, inquisitiveness.

So, good luck. I think it's quite normal to feel overwhelmed, disconnected, and behind a mask. We're all wearing one, and some times, we're wearing a bunch on different occasions. And sometimes, we are wearing so many, we forget where they all are, and which ones are for which occasion! And that's just being overwhelmed... And then, I think, it's a cue, to simplify, and take stock of what can stay, and what can be let go of.

It's an unfortunate truth that, we can't please everyone all the time. And through out our lives, people will not like us, no matter what we do. I still struggle with that; but, it's true, and it's okay. That's life...

You're alright. Go easy.