Lonely because of BS karma?

[Peaches]

OK, I think today I would like to share this, maybe someone can relate:
does it ever happen to you to waste your life for various troubles (health, family problems, moving, having to work all the time) so that you end up alone because you just don't have the chance to meet others and are too busy to be a regular friend? For years I was "cleaning up" my life, so to speak, and I tried to deal with the above mentioned problems, and now that since a while that part is fixed, I keep encountering really but really stupid problems, like moving to a house that was too noisy and losing three months of life with lack of sleep (that happened twice actually), and now another problem with another house that also doesn't let me sleep, and I am beginning to see a pattern.

These problems are actually quite tangible, so it's not like I am making them up because my twisted psychology doesn't want me to be happy (it could very well be, but it's not), I am a bit sensitive to environmental conditions, even if I lived in really ugly and bad places, but not THAT much. I always had trouble with noise all my life, on the first year of college I moved 5 times in a year because I couldn't stand the noise other students were so happy with, I lost some other time of my life with back pains because of wrong mattresses, and I would get sick over things (food poisoning, flu, whatever) that other people wouldn't even mind. And it keeps happening, over and over again. Bad luck, or pattern?

I really feel that it is my destiny to be f..... alone, no matter how much I reach out to people or how much effort I put in being forgiving and open to others'q quirks, and convince myself that I am lovable, blabla, because I am completely doomed since birth to not have time or opportunity for affection. I can tell you, I feel really completely down. I wonder if someone else had anything similar, I feel so stupid because life is so precious and wasting one for these BS events, when people have cancer and divorces and just keep on going (ok, I had some of those other events too), and instead all I have to show of my life is that I had a hard time making friends or having a career because I couldn't sleep because of a f.... broken window. (sorry about the f.....)

well, isn't it stupid? I hate myself so much right now, for not being more adaptable, in fact on other things (relationships, culture, work) I totally am. how stupid is that? Sorry about the rant, feel free to ignore me.

 

[theraab]

I went through something similar when my Jackie was sick - the last six months or so of her life she was getting IV nutrition through the night and was too weak to carry the bag to the bathroom (which she went to frequently because of a tumor pressing on one of her kidneys) - this meant that I had to help her to the bathroom whenever she had to go through the night - usually 4 or 5 times, sometimes more. I think it's difficult for people to appreciate how hard it can be when you go without quality sleep for months, unless they've been there. It affects your mood (I was much more irritable), as well as your thought patterns (I found it difficult to concentrate).

I'm not being a smartass when I say this, but have you tried earplugs or something similar when you sleep? You say that you are sensitive to environmental conditions, and that a broken window kept you from sleeping - might you have some kind of anxiety disorder that keeps you from relaxing enough to get some sleep?

 

[Gutted]

I think I know how you feel. However I don't deem it a waste to have had to spend much time cleaning up after other peoples' mess and all that. I like to think that in later life, the troubled times will make me all the wiser and if I am privileged enough to have a family, everything will work out. I mean they have to be doing something for me as I have made far less mistakes then many people around me.

 

[Peaches]

well, the sleeping was just an example (btw, yes I do have earplugs), just saying how circumstances, even stupid ones, (and I am so sorry for your daughter, theraab, that is terrible to hear) can prevent one from making friends... enough, that post was lame enough, wish I could delete it but it's too late